Wrestling > TNA TNA Lazarush (1/21/04) Posted by Corey Lazarus on Jan 22, 2004, 23:53

For starters, my girlfriend bitched me out on Thursday for taking this role as the TNA reviewer in the absence of Dames. She soon got over it once I said I only need three hours on Thursday afternoons to write the review (while I watch the tape, since I have school to attend until mid May), and that Saturday I hung out with her until around midnight (at which point I was driven back to my house in Franklin, whereas she lives in Framingham {a good 45-minute drive}, by my father, who works at the Loring Hockey Arena in Framingham on Saturday nights). Monday was Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and I spent it with Heather (my girlfriend). We had sex. It was good. Yes, yes it was.

Wow, a member of the IWC had sex? OH ME, OH MY! Yeah, shut up, I just felt like giving the breakdown of the past week. Nothing else of note happened (aside from my dad nearly interrupting our sex, and the third time he came close to walking in we decided to forget about it). I also bought four CDs and one DVD. THe CDs are Iron Maiden's new Dance Of Death album (which is the best Maiden in years), Type O Negative's new Life Is Killing Me album, an album by this hardcore band named Zombie Apocalypse titled This Is A Spark Of Life (only 11:25, and I feel ripped off because of the shortness), and Nile's brutal death metal masterpiece In Their Darkened Shrines (which features their "hit" song "Unas Slayer Of The Gods;" if you're interested in checking out a brutal death metal band with an Egyptian theme, Nile is as great as they come). The DVD is Freddy vs. Jason, which I saw in theaters a week or two after it opened, and I LOVE this movie.

Last week's Lazarush can be found here. I'll also like to shamelessly plug The Dames' Raw Diatribes, as well as JHawk's SmackDown reviews. Don't forget that Dames will be writing a Diatribe for this Sunday's Royal Rumble, I do believe, and his Diatribes are always good.

Oh, and since I was told to cut down on the cursing, I've decided to replace "fuck," "cunt," and "shit" with "baka," "huss," and "chave" (in regards to the TSM poster of the same name) respectively. Some shout-outs to some readers now: Sol, Duth, Tom, and the rest of the HiC crew; kikrusher, Amdub (though I hate you), Novo, and even Punkfan at TotalNonStop; Dames, Bryan, Jay (maybe I could be a PCN one day...when I start following indies better), Never, Agent, and every other person in the TSM Forums that I chat with (though I don't chat with Jay, Dames, or Bryan, but they've all given me advice on how to improve the Lazarush); NECROMINATIA at Wrestling-Titans (you too, Paco); and Ryan and eye of the Regz.

• America's Most Wanted defeated Redshirt Security in a RAWHIDE WHIPPIN' match when Harris Schoolboy'd Legend for the pin at 9:40
• Michael Shane defeated LowKi and Christopher Daniels at 10:24 to become the #1 contender to the X-Division title after Ki ate Sweet Shane Music
• David Young pinned Simon Diamond at 6:16 following special referee Glenn Gilberti's Chartbuster/Last Dance (whatever he calls it now, but it's a Stunner) to Simon. Post-match, Swinger helped his tag partner fend off Glenn and Young.
• Shane Douglas defeated Elix Skipper with a SICK Goku-Raku variation at 3:19. Post-match, XXX nearly reformed, but Ki refused to shake Daniels' hand.
• Kid Kash pinned Chris Vaughn with the Money Maker at 6:34. Post-match, Tiny began fighting with Kash, but the Redshirts came out, and were chased off by America's Most Wanted.
• The Gathering (Julio Dinero and CM Punk) defeated The Sandman in a Singapore Cane On A Pole match at 5:05 with a double superkick. Sandman announced that his partner next week would be Balls Mahoney.
• Erik Watts and AJ Styles defeated Abyss and Jeff Jarrett when Styles hit Abyss with a Sunset Flip at 9:16 after Goldylocks hit Abyss below the belt. Post-match, Callis said he'd quit if the decision wasn't overturned, and Watts said he'd quit if the decision WAS overturned.

TONIGHT...

• "Survivor: Pearl Islands" start JONNY FAIRPLAY makes his debut, and I don't care because he's NOT a wrestler
• Simon & Swinger take on Glenn Gilberti and David Young
• The Sandman and Balls Mahoney take on The Gathering
• Elix Skipper and Christopher Daniels take on The New Franchise (Shane Douglas and Michael Shane) in what was originally going to be a 2-on-1 affair with Douglas taking on both former XXX members, but I guess TNA realized that Douglas is a terrible worker these days
• America's Most Wanted and Redshirt Security meet again in a match to determine the #1 contenders to the NWA World Tag Team titles
• And El Leon (IWA Puerto Rico's Apolo under a mask with a Wal*Mart shirt on) takes on Jeff Jarrett in a Streetfight.

The ownership of TNA Entertainment LLC has an open letter to the TNA fans, which Mike Tenay reads off as the text scrolls. Due to the situation's unproductive consequences, Watts and Callis will fight in a no DQ, no count-out, falls count anywhere match next week. To prevent interference, every TNA wrestler will be at ringside, and be handcuffed in pairs. Cue the opening music video, as MACHO MAN OH YEEEEAH RANDY SAVAGE raps. He sucks as a rapper, and his rhymes are weak, but the overall flow of the tune itself makes up for it.

The music video's done, and the camera pans around the crowd. The only sign focused on is "3 LIVE KREW RUINED RAP MUSIC," which I agree. Watts is in the ring with Goldy, who is holding an NWA flag. Watts is here to declare the captain of Team America in the X-Cup on February 11th. However, due to the match next week between him and Callis, he's cutting a promo on the former Jackyl. Blah blah blah, here's the captain of America's X-Cup. The NWA team captain? Why...CUE THE FEAR FACTORY RIP-OFF MUSIC! Yes, bitches, it's JERRY BAKA'ING LYNN!!!! After all this time (roughly 5 months), TNA finally decides to give Jerry his money. (Unfortunately, I heard via the Torch that Lynn won't be here very long, which pisses me off, because Lynn is one of the three people that MADE TNA in 2002, the other two being AJ Styles and Jeff Jarrett.)
Lynn has to thank Erik for bringing him back, and apparently Jerry hasn't been doing anything but watching TNA. Tenay: "TOO GREAT OF A TALENT TO BE WATCHING AT HOME!" A "welcome back" chant is HUGE, and even the Juggalo's (who are about half of the crowd, proving that ICP is a draw) help out. Well, then they have an "ICP" chant, so yeah. Lynn: "Everything in the past...is water under the bridge." Kid Kash's music plays, and he says to hold on.
Kash wants Lynn to sign with Jarrett, because the two of them go back. Lynn got Kash his try-out in TNA, and Kash tells the Juggalo's to "shut your mouths, you painted whores." Ownage. Kash = awesome heel. Kash says that Watts could have brought Lynn back as soon as Callis got rid of him, but the people in the NWA only think about themselves. Lynn is a 15-year veteran, and doesn't deserve to be treated like he was (which I, of course, agree with completely). The K-I-D keeps verbally blowing Lynn's nuts, and I wish Goldy's top would fall off for some reason. "You, Jerry Lynn, made AJ Styles a household name when he was NOOOOOBODY." Watts is trash, the NWA is even more trailer trash. The Juggalo's chant for Rudeboy (a Psychopathic family member who can take a beating in hardcore matches, but that's it; worse wrestler than Nathan Jones and Giant Gonzales combined). Lynn is offered the Jarrett Loyalty contract, and he takes the clipboard as Kash gloats about how he's getting Lynn to sign. BAM! The clipboard gets BROKEN IN HALF over Kash's head, and then BAM! Another one. man, I love Lynn. I really do. Overrated? Sure. But awesome? Undoubtedly.
I hope this leads towards a match next week between Kash and Jerry, as even though I've enjoyed every Kash segment since Jarrett made him get the contracts signed, the matches haven't been as good (enjoyable, but not as good). Jerry Lynn vs. Kid Kash? Sounds like a guaranteed *** match next week, and an old-school US high-flying CLINIC. Lynn and Kash brawl on the outside, and Kash hits a Stungun to Lynn on the guardrail before shoving him into the ringsteps. Back in the ring, and Kash goes heel by taunting him. Lynn fires back with rights, and then a whip to the ropes, and he hits a clothesline as he tells Kash to c'mon. Lynn throws Kash over the top rope as the referees keep them separated, and the crowd LOVES Lynn. Just as you should. Jerry rips up the contract, and we cut to a video from earlier today.

Earlier today, Callis sent Jonny Fairplay a private jet. Backstage, Jarrett and Callis argue as they talk to Tom Tenenbaum's (Stenenbaum? It changes every week) brother Isaac, and the stipulations for Callis/Watts still stands. Callis says he's not a wrestler, and Jarrett says he used to be. "That was YEARS AGO, I'M A MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT! I'M NOT A WRESTLER ANYMORE!" Kash comes in to tell Jarrett what Lynn did, and Jarrett wants a signature from Siaki tonight. Kash says it's a done deal, and we go back to Callis and Jarrett arguing. Jarrett talks about tonight. "I'm going to eliminate, uh, uh, EL LEON tonight!" Jarrett and Callis slam their locker room door before Hudson can get any other information.

Recap of last week's Gathering/Sandman match, and Sandman's post-match promo where he announces Balls Mahoney will be his partner next week. Courtesy of Xplosion, Mitchell says Balls rolls around in thumbtacks for fun, but that The Gathering will show him what REAL pain is. This leads into the first match of the night, and the first team comes out at 8:21 (15 minutes after they should have.)

MATCH ONE: The Gathering (CM Punk and Julio Dinero) vs. The Sandman and Balls Mahoney in a No Disqualifications Tornado Tag Team match.
THE ACTION: Sandman takes three minutes to get to the ring, and his music (a horrible ripoff of "Enter Sandman" that even ACCLAIM did better for the ECW Anarchy Rulz PlayStation game) is only a minute or so long, so it plays three times during his entrance. He drinks some beers with people on all three sections of the crowd, and then he gets into the ring, pointing with the Singapore Cane to the entrance curtain as mist pours out. DUN...dun dun dun DUNNNNN...da-DUN...dun dun dun DUNNNNNN. Yes, TNA did a great rip of AC/DC's "Big Balls" (Mahoney's theme), and out comes BALLS MOTHERBAKA'ING MAHONEY! He does huss around, and he looks like he's lost quite a bit of his fat and replaced it with muscle. Balls has dyed his hair black, and before he can hit the ring, The Gathering take out Sandman.
Balls comes in, and begins doing the lefts. BALLS, BALLS, BALLS, BALLS...BAAAAAAAALLS! Punk ducks the big right, and then turns around after dodging a right from Sandman, only to get hit with Balls' big right. Balls and Sandman split a beer, and turn around to be met by a pair of enziguri's, spitting their beer out. Punk with Sandman in the corner, and they trade chops as Mahoney hits a spinebuster on Julio. Sandman brings Punk up top, and hits the Heinekenrana, allowing Balls to hit a frogsplash on Punk. Balls is up, and Julio with a spinning roundhouse kick. Sandman charges, but gets taken out with a superkick. Sandman rolls out, and Balls clotheslines Punk down. Punk's on the ropes, and Julio hits a baseball slide dropkick to Sandman, knocking a chair into his face. Balls hits a spinning wheel kick to Punk over the top, and they brawl around the guardrail. Sandman hangs Dinero on the top rope with a reverse suplex, and then hits an Arabian Facebuster (botched) off of the top for 2. Whip to the ropes, and Punk in with a springboard dropkick as Julio ducks a lariat. Dinero has a chair, and he smacks Sandman with it. He lifts it up again, but Balls is in and takes it away. Dinero ducks the chairshot, and kicks Balls to his knees, allowing Punk to hit the VAN SHINING WIZARDNATOR~! (yes, a SHINING WIZARD done Van Daminator style) to Balls. Sandman sits in the corner, trying to regain his composure.
Punk runs over and hits the RUNNING BOOTSCRAPE to Sandman, and yells at the camera "THAT'S FOR YOU, JEFF." (Anybody know why? E-mail me or tell me on the boards.) Julio goes up top, and Punk lifts Balls for a sideslam. Julio with an elbow drop to Balls off the top as Punk connects with the sideslam...and it's onto a chair...for the pinfall at 3:43.
THE WINNERS: The Gathering.
POST-MATCH: Mitchell hands Julio a bag of thumbtacks, and Punk grabs the mic. Punk says it's about time, and that they've beaten Sandman at his own game for the second week in a row. "And now, you pay with blood." Suddenly, some soundbites are cued over the PA repeating "QUOTE THE RAVEN, NEVERMORE." The lights go out, and are replaced with strobes. They come back on, and Sandman is back up with a Singapore Cane, smacking Julio down. He hits Punk, and then hits the White Russian Legsweep onto CM. Mitchell pulls Punk out of the ring as Julio bails, and they head up the ramp.
RATING: *. This match wasn't a GOOD match by any means. Very little actual wrestling was involved, and it was too short to really mean much. However, it was a good old-fashioned ECW tag brawl, which I mark for, and I dug it. Bad match, but entertaining nonetheless.

MATCH TWO: Simon & Swinger vs. Glenn Gilberti and David Young
THE ACTION: Glenn and David are out first, and these day-old Domino's CinnaStix are still delicious. I tells ya, it's the icing. Simon and Swinger are out next, and Simon derobes at the top of the ramp, charging to the ring with Swinger. There's the bell, and there's a melee to start. David and Glenn whip Simon and Swinger into the ropes, but it's reversed. Glenn bails, and David eats a double pancake. Simon and Swinger trade who punches Young before Swinger hits the Franchiser on him, putting the boots to him. Tag to Simon, and David's whipped into the ropes to be hit with the sideslam/inverted DDT combo for 2. Simon brings David to his corner, and BEGS Gilberti to tag in. Young reverses a whip to the ropes, and goes for a backdrop, but gets the Simon Series. Gilberti in, and Simon sees him, chasing him out of the ring. Back in, and David ducks a lariat before hitting the Spinebuster. Glenn wants the tag, and gets it. He paintbrushes Simon, and then hits him with a right. Simon wants another, and gets it. Another, and he gets that one too.
A boot to the midsection hunches him over, and a running swining neckbreaker gets two. Tag to Young, and they whip Simon into the ropes. Young with a drop toehold, and Glen with an elbow to the back of Simon's head for two. Young moonsaults off of the second turnbuckle, and covers for 2. Whip to the ropes, and a lariat allows David to tag Glenn back in. Simon fights out of Glenn's attemped offense, and Glenn reverses a whip into a Russian Legsweep. Glenn pulls up his tights and pulls down his kneepads, goes to the middle rope, and MISSES a flying kneedrop. Glenn tags in David, and Simon tags in Swinger to little reaction. A clothesline sends David down, and a back elbow sends him down again before he gets back up and eats a backdrop. Glenn comes in, but Simon tells Swinger to duck down, which he does, and Gilberti eats a right from Simon. Double Inverted Russian Legsweep, and then Simon and Swinger put David and Gilberti in opposite corners. Whip into each other, but Glenn and David move out of each other's way. David ducks Swinger's lariat and applies a full-nelson as Gilberti hits a running elbow to knock Simon down. Gilberti tries to do the same to the prone Swinger, but Swinger ducks it and Glenn nails Young with it. Glenn turns around and gets superkicked by Simon Diamond, sending him out of the ring. Simon brings David up, and he and Swinger hit the Problem Solver. Simon covers as Swinger slides out of the ring to deal with Gilberti, and this match is over at 4:45.
THE WINNERS: Simon & Swinger
POST-MATCH: Simon Diamond and Johnny Swinger celebrate, and then exit the ring.
RATING: *1/2. Decent tag work, but the match was virtually heatless. Simon's still good, as is Swinger, and David Young is also a good worker...but Glenn isn't very good at all. Formulaic, and nice work by all.

Cut to the parking lot, and Jonny Fairplay is hidden in a limo as a bevy of hot women exit. One gets pulled back in, and this cuts to Xplosion footage of Sonny Siaki taking a chave as Trinity argues with him. Kash comes in, and tries to get Sonny to sign the contract while he takes a chave. Sonny: "I'm not signing ANYTHING. LEAVE ME ALONE. I'm not signing ANYTHING, now please let me take my doo-doo." Sonny flushes, exits, and Trinity tells him to sign. Trinity: "Who's ADVISING you? Wash your hands and sign it." Siaki leaves, and Kash goes for the pen in the stall. Trinity holds the door shut with her foot, and then Kash comes out. Trinity: "Oh, sorry, door got stuck." Trinity signs the contract and leaves, and Kash goes "hey, call me!"
Cut to a backstage interview with Scott Hudson and Sonny Siaki and Trinity, and Siaki has just seen that Trinity signed. Siaki told Trinity to not sign, but Trinity said he can't tell her what to do. Siaki was advised last week to not sign, just as he was this week, and Trinity wants to know who advised him. Siaki: "Stay out of my match." They bicker, and Siaki enters, and here's the next match.

MATCH THREE: Sonny Siaki vs. D'Lo Brown
THE ACTION: Sonny's out first, and he's Trinity-less. D'Lo's back after a tour with All Japan, and he's got jet lag. There's the bell, and D'Lo with rights to Siaki. Whip to the ropes, and then a forearm. Another whip to the ropes, and Sonny gets backdropped. D'Lo brings Sonny back up, and a huge right staggers Sonny. Whip to the ropes, and Sonny ducks a lariat, turning it into a knee-drop neckbreaker. Sonny puts the boots to Brown, and brings him to his feet. Whip to the ropes, and Siaki nails D'Lo down with a back elbow for 2. Sonny with some mounted punches, and then a snapmare before a reverse chinlock. Sonny pulls D'Lo down for a cover, it gets 2. Sonny brings D'Lo back up, but Brown fights back. Whip to the ropes, and Sonny blocks a backdrop with a kick to the chest, and then a superkick gets 2. Sonny brings Brown into the corner, and does three shoulder thrusts before an uppercut and another shoulder thrust. The crow is chanting "Siaki Sucks," and Sonny's whip into the other corner is reversed by D'Lo. D'Lo charges, but eats boot. Sonny Siaki rushes out, but eats a weak spinebuster as the crowd chants for D'Lo. Brown brings Sonny up and into the corner, and a series of knife-edge chops prepares Siaki for a whip to the opposite corner. D'Lo knocks Siaki down with a running forearm, and Brown goes up top.
Siaki to his feet, and he gets nailed with a diving clothesline. Siaki's back up, and D'Lo hits a running clothesline for 2. Brown scoops Siaki up, and hits the sit-out Rock Bottom for 2. Trinity's out, and Siaki drop toeholds D'Lo onto the middle rope. Siaki goes outside for a chair, and tells Trinity to leave. Siaki back in the ring, and he holds the chair...but D'Lo hits a one-legged dropkick. D'Lo has the chair, and he lifts it up high, but referee Rudy Charles doesn't let him do it. While Rudy is distracted, Trinity comes off of the top with a tornado DDT. Siaki crawls over and covers for 2. Siaki brings Siaki up, hits a series of chops before going for the Siakolypse. NO! D'Lo twists out of it, and hits the Sky High for the pinfall at 5:39.
THE WINNER: D'Lo Brown
POST-MATCH: Trinity berates Siaki, and out comes Kash to make Siaki sign the contract. West wants to know who keeps advising Siaki to not sign, and Siaki has the clipboard, playing to the fans on whether or not he signs. Siaki tosses the clipboard, and Kash slaps Sonny. Siaki tackles him and punches him, but Trinity pulls him, and then hits a roundhouse kick to stagger him. Kash lifts Siaki up for a Fisherman's, and drops him on his knee. Trinity up top, and hits a moonsault. Kash goes to hug Trinity, but she bails out of the ring, walking back up the ramp as Kash AGAIN goes "call me."
RATING: *1/2. Not much action in this match, and while I dig Siaki THE CHARACTER, Siaki THE WORKER needs to be kept in tag matches to hide his weaknesses. D'Lo was off tonight, probably due to the jet lag, so I'm not being too harsh (since I've heard others call it a DUD, but there was enough action to give it *1/2, in my eyes).

In the back, and Hudson is with Callis and the Reshirts and Jarrett. Jarrett tells the Redshirts he wants the Tag belts, so they better go through AMW. Trinity comes in and gets congratulated. Trinity: "I wanna get one thing straight. I'm loyal to you guys, but I don't want anything to do with Kid Kash." Jarrett: "Kash, what's the matter with you? First you piss off Abyss, and now Trinity?" They cheer for Redshirts, and I take it that Redshirts/AMW is next.

A recap of last week's Elix Skipper/Shane Douglas match is shown, including the teased XXX reunion. This sets up our next match, which is Elix Skipper and Christopher Daniels against The New Franchise (Shane Douglas and Michael Shane). NOTE FOR ALL READERS WHO SMOKE: A few wet paper towels folded together makes a decent makeshift ashtray.

MATCH FOUR: Elix Skipper and Christopher Daniels vs. The New Franchise (Shane Douglas and Michael Shane)
THE ACTION: Shane Douglas' rip of "Perfect Stangers" (Deep Purple, in case you're a tool and didn't know) is AWESOME. Traci is SMOKIN' hot tonight, with a black half-shirt tied just below her boobs, and this little cap and uber-tight pants. Mmmmm...Traci With An I...what? Oh, the match...
Daniels and Skipper rush the ring, and a brawl to start. Daniels tosses Shane out of the ring, and Skipper clotheslines Douglas down. This was originally scheduled as a handicap match with Skipper and Daniels against Douglas, but "due to backstage political maneuvering" (READ: TNA realized that Douglas isn't nearly good enough to be COMPLETELY carried by Daniels and Skipper), it's now a tag match. Douglas and Michael are outside, and Daniels follows Douglas out, sending him into the ring. Skipper with forearms, and then Daniels is back in. Whip to the ropes, and a double hiptoss sends Douglas down. Skipper takes the apron, Daniels whips Douglas into the corner, and a quick tag to Skipper brings him in for some boots to Douglas. Another quick tag, and Daniels with some quick boots to Douglas. ANOTHER quick tag, and Skipper with a snapmare and kick to Douglas' back. Douglas with a poke to the eyes, and a tag to Shane. Michael with some punches, and Skipper reverses a whip to a knee, sending him into the corner for Daniels to smack him, followed by a drop toehold to Michael Shane. Douglas tries to come in to hit the somersault grounded neckbreaker on Skipper, but Elix goes low and "The Franchise" misses. Daniels with a punch to Douglas, and then Skipper sends Douglas out with another punch. Skipper brings Shane up, and whips him into the ropes, but Shane ducks a lariat and hits a crossbody for 2. Skipper Matrixes out, and hits a roundhouse kick to knock Shane down. Into the XXX corner, and Skipper tags in Daniels. Daniels with a headbutt to Shane, and then a scoop slam before the Arabian Press for 2. Daniels brings Sahne back up, and knees him in the midsection, applying a front facelock to tag in Skipper. Suplex/crossbody combo, and Skipper covers for 2 after flashing the XXX symbol. Skipper brings Shane up, and knocks him back down with a forearm. A forearm dazes Douglas on the apron, and Skipper fights out of two suplex attempts by Shane. Skipper lifts him up, and hits a reverse suplex. Douglas enters and hits the somersault grounded neckbreaker, and Shane covers for 2. Michael Shane with an elbow to the back of Skipper's neck, and then another knocks him down.
Shane with a neckbreaker to Skipper for 2, and I'm digging the psychology. Tag to Douglas, and Douglas puts the boots to Skipper before applying the Goku-Raku variation he defeated Skipper with last week. Daniels breaks it, and The New Franchise exchange without a tag. Shane with a snapmare, and then a reverse chinlock, which I won't rag on because the psychology IS good (attacking Skipper's weakened neck). Skipper fights to his feet, and a pair of elbows breaks it up. Running the ropes, Skipper misses a lariat, and gets an overhead Belly-to-Belly Suplex by Michael for 2. Shane chokes Skipper with his shin, and the ref makes him break it. Douglas hops off of the apron, and sets up a chair. And another chair. In the ring, Shane has Skipper in a sleeperhold, and Traci and Douglas set up four steel chairs on the outside. Skipper gets thrown into the New Franchise corner, and Skipper fights out with forearms and elbows before a club to his neck by Douglas knocks him down. Tag, and in comes Douglas. Shane sends him out of the ring, and Michael grabs Skipper in a front facelock, taking him over towards the chairs. Michael Shane goes for a back suplex onto the chairs, but Skipper fights out and whips Shane into the guardrail. Skipper gets back in the ring, and Douglas is in pure AWE before getting knocked down with a roundhouse kick. Douglas with a drope toehold, and he holds as he tags in Michael Shane. Skipper jumps out of the drop toehold lock, however, and rolls to his corner, tagging in Daniels. Shane comes in and gets knocked down with a right, and Douglas eats a lariat. Daniels hits a single-legged dropkick to Shane, and then a standing dropkick to Douglas. Daniels goes back to Michael Shane, but a poke to the eyes dazes him.
The New Franchise whip Daniels into the ropes, but Christopher clotheslines them both down. Daniels whips Shane into the ropes, and hits a Blue Thunder Powerbomb for 2. Douglas comes over and applies a full-nelson to Daniels, hitting a reverse full-nelson Russian Legsweep. Skipper comes back in, knocking Shane out of the ring, and hits a slingshot corkscrew crossbody. Douglas and Skipper fight on the arena floor, and Skipper knocks Douglas onto the chairs before climbing to the middle rope. Traci comes up after tossing a chain into the ring, and grabs Elix in a rear waistlock. Skipper elbows her, and applies an over-the-shoulder headlock (Stunner position), getting ready to give Traci an Ace Crusher off of the second rope to the chairs on the outside. Michael Shane pops up, and pushes both Skipper and Traci off as Douglas gets out of the way. THEY GO THROUGH THE CHAIRS~! HOLY CHAVE~! Shane wraps the chain around his hand, and Daniels ducks a punch attempt and hits Last Rites for a cover. The referee is tending to Traci and Skipper on the outside, and Traci actually DENTED a chair by having her elbow hit it. I think she actually might have broken her arm.
Douglas wraps the chain around his own fist, and punches Daniels as he tries to get up, draping Michael Shane over him for a cover. Douglas gets out of the ring, screaming "HEY REF, DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!" Douglas sends the referee into the ring, and Shane keeps covering Daniels for the pinfall at 10:10.
THE WINNERS: The New Franchise (Shane Douglas and Michael Shane).
POST-MATCH: Douglas and Shane celebrate the victory while referees and security tend to Traci and Skipper. Two replays of the spot are shown, and Traci REALLY looks like she took the worst. Douglas helps Traci up, and she's almost crying.
RATING: **1/2. Without a doubt, this is the best match tonight so far. It was booked nearly perfectly, with Douglas only doing some minor offense before tagging in Shane, and the spot with the chairs was INSANE. I hope Traci's all right, same for Skipper, because Traci seemed to have taken the worst of it, and is also not TRAINED to wrestle and take bumps, and thus her ability to withstand pain isn't as great as Elix's.

And we go back to the ring as the next match is starting...

MATCH FIVE: Red Shirt Security vs. America's Most Wanted for the #1 Contendership to the NWA World Tag Team championship.
THE ACTION: Redshirts are out first, and here come AMW in their all-white attire. God, they look like such indy trash. There's the bell as AMW rush the ring, and ANOTHER brawl starts a tag match tonight. Harris pairs with Northcutt, and Storm with Legend. I'm not even going to do PBP on this until it gets into the ring, because you standard ringside brawling is happening. Wow...punches, and punches, and MORE punches. OH MY! Legend FINALLY sends Storm into the ring, and brings him to his feet for a few punches before Storm fights back. They trade punches, and Storm whips Legend into the ropes. Legend ducks a clothesline, and Storm hits a kick to Legend's midsection, missing a Buzzsaw Kick. Back up, and more blocking of punches before Storm takes Legend down with rights. Tag to Harris, who whips Legend into the ropes, and Harris hits a Thesz Press (followed by rights) before Legend cheapshots and tags in Northcutt. To the corner, and Northcutt with a series of punches and overhand chops. Harris reverses a whip to the opposite corner, and charges in to eat boot. Harris blocks the boot, punches Northcutt, and then whips him into the other corner. Northcutt staggers out, and Harris hits a bulldog before covering for 2. Harris tags in Storm, and whips Northcutt into the ropes. Harris holds Northcutt up, and Storm BOTCHES a top rope kick to Northcutt, landing on his ass and barely grazing Northcutt. Harris catapults Northcutt into the corner, and Tenay is saying that Storm landed on his right shoulder (when it's obvious he landed on his ASS). Legend in with no tag, and the referee tries to stop him while Harris checks on his partner, but Storm shoves both the ref and Harris out of the way, kicking Storm when he's down. He brings Storm to his feet by the hair, and hits a kick to the midsection. Storm blocks a punch, and hits him with one of his own...but his "previously dislocated shoulder" is hurt. Storm whips Legend in, and kicks Legend down. Legend's back up, and Storm charges, but gets a kick to the shoulder. Northcutt comes in, no tag, and hits an armbar DDT. Legend brings Storm to the Redshirts corner, and as Northcutt chokes him, Legend charges in to eat a boot. Storm fights out, and lifts Legend for a back suplex, but Northcutt tags in. Storm with an Atomic Drop to Legend, but Northcutt comes in and knocks him down, covering for 2 before pulling him up.
Northcutt pushes Storm into the ropes, and wraps his right arm (the "injured" one) around the top rope. Legend does the same as the ref is distracted by Harris' attempt to enter, and Northcutt tosses Storm out. Legend hops off of the apron, applies a hammerlock to Storm, and then tosses him into the guardrail. Northcutt goes out, and wrenches Storm's around around the top of the guardrail, allowing Legend to hit a double axehandle off of the apron to Storm's "injured" arm. Legend rolls Storm in, and covers for 2. Legend looks frustrated, just frustrated, and digs his elbow into Storm's "injured" shoulder. Legend brings Storm to the top rope, and goes up himself for a superplex. Storm fights out, and flips over for a Sunset Powerbomb into a pinning attempt. Rudy Charles is distracted by Northcutt, so he doesn't see the pinfall. Northcutt enters, and tries to powerbomb Storm, but gets backdropped out of the ring. Storm tries to get the tag, but Legend holds his leg. Storm hits an enziguri on legend, and dives for the tag...but Northcutt pulls Harris down before he can make it! Man, I'm starting to REALLY like the Redshirts.
Northcutt whips Harris into the guardrail, and Legend eats boot from Storm. Storm goes up top, but Northcutt distracts him long enough to allow Legend to hit a SWEEEEET Exploder Superplex. Both men are down, and Legend is the first to cover. 1...2...NO! Storm kicked out! Legend tags out, and Northcutt hits Storm's shoulder twice before going for a short-arm clothesline. Storm ducks underneath the clothesline, and when Northcutt turns around, he nails the superkick. HOT TAG~! (yes, it finally happened in an America's Most Wanted match) and Harris cleans house with rights to Legend and Northcutt. Harris whips Legend into the ropes, and backdrops him. Whip to Northcutt, but he reverses. Harris ducks a clothesline, and hits a flying forearm to knock Northcutt down. Harris clotheslines Legend over the top rope, and then Northcutt whips Harris, but Harris reverses and hits a drop toehold to the middle rope. Harris showboats to the crowd, and Northcutt gets back to his feet. Harris bouncs off of the ropes, and Storm makes the blind tag. Harris tries to Sunset Flip Northcutt, and Storm goes for a superkick to him, but Northcutt catches his foot! Northcutt lifts Storm up high for a powerbomb, but Storm reverses it into a 'rana. The cover! 1...2...NO! Northcutt kicks out just before 3. Legend back in, and he hits the Stungun on Harris. Storm whips Northcutt into the ropes and goes for a backdrop, but Northcutt floats over. Northcutt holds Storm for Legend, and Legend charges...botching an obvious attempt at backdropping Legend over the top rope (Legend slipped mid-jump, and landed on his side, VERY SLOOOOWLY, next to Northcutt's feet). Storm reverses the rear waistlock by Northcutt, and then rolls him up in a cradle. 1...2...Legend grabs Storm and tosses him out of the ring, following him out to beat on him some more.
In the ring, however, Harris SPEARS Northcutt, and covers while the referee still focuses on Legend and Storm outside. Harris gets up, and tries to get the ref's attention before turning around to scoop up Northcutt for the Catatonic. He covers, but the referee is still distracted. Chase Stevens slides into the ring with a chair, and goes to thwack Harris with it, but stares at him while Andy Douglas slides in behind Harris with a handful of powder. Harris turns around, and gets the powder to the eyes. Wildcat turns around, and gets WAFFLED~! by Stevens' chairshot, allowing Northcutt to make the cover as the referee re-enters the ring. Northcutt covers, and there's the pinfall at 11:58.
THE WINNERS:
POST-MATCH: AMW wallow in pain as the Redshirts go back up the ramp, where The Naturals (Andy Douglas and Chase Stevens; Stevens has a LONG history with AMW, as he is a former member of the Hot Shots, who were the first team to feud with America's Most Wanted in TNA, and thus his interference makes perfect sense) are still celebrating their costing of AMW's title shot.
RATING: **1/2. I cannot believe how well these teams gel now. Sure, the opening brawl was boring, but once the action got into the ring, I dug every minute (EXCEPT for Storm's "injury," where he CLEARLY landed on his ass; last I checked, the ass was not the right shoulder, but maybe Storm's a mutant). The finish made sense to me (as AMW have beaten The Naturals on Xplosion quite a few times, as well as the previously mentioned Hot Shots connection), and I'm REALLY starting to dig Kevin Northcutt.

Cut to Callis in the ring, and he hypes next week's match against Erik Watts. "Big matches, historic matches, are won and lost up here," he says while pointing to his head. Callis has the NWA World Heavyweight champion, Jeff Jarrett, in his corner, and Watts has a ho in his. This leads into Jonny Fairplay coming out and being an obnoxious little prick, the kind that you all knew in high school as a Junior. You know the one. That little punk freshman that listened to some popular band you couldn't care at all for, told nothing but bad jokes, and always tried to fight with you, but he knew very well you'd murder him in under a minute. Yeah, that's Jonny Fairplay. I don't care about "Survivor: Pearl Islands" (if requested, I'll explain why I think reality TV is stupid next week, but everybody has already said what I will), and Tenay tries to make it seem like Fairplay is worse than Saddam Hussein. Sorry, but this "most hated man in America" nickname is just baka'ing stupid. Blah blah blah, typical celebrity heel promo (he basically rips off Andy Kaufman left and right), and out comes AJ STYLES. Teach that huss what it means to be a PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER, Styles.
Fairplay gets in one good line to AJ ("now, I know you probably don't have a TV in your trailer..."), and then AJ fires back by calling him a twerp. Styles is ready to kill Fairplay, and Callis tells him, nicely, to please "GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RING AND GO BACK TO THE LOCKER ROOM...please." AJ grabs Callis by the sportscoat and pushes him into a corner, ready to kill him. Fairplay grabs a chair, and runs into the corner, smacking AJ with it in the back. AJ's held by Callis, and Fairplay does his retarded dance (which does its point of making me want to see the chave kicked out of him). Jonny goes to hit AJ with the chair, but Styles knocks Callis down and blocks the chairshot. AJ's got him, and...oh CHAVE! AWESOMELY STIFF POWERBOMB TO FAIRPLAY! AJ goes to back as Tenay and West shill TNA OnDemand (where you can watch any previous TNA online) and next week's card. In the crowd, we have ICP~!~!!~! hanging with the Juggalo's. HUUUUUUUGE "ICP" chant, and I mark (hey, shut up, I'm a minor Juggalo, and have been since seeing JCW volume 1, which is the most hilarious wrestling tape I've ever seen). Next week, Chris Sabin defends the X-Division title against Michael Shane, 3 Live Kru defend the Tag Team titles against Redshirt Security, and Erik Watts squares off with Don Callis in a Falls Count Anywhere match for the control of TNA.

In the back, where Hudson is with Watts. Watts tells El Leon that Jarrett's a cancer, and he's the cure. "Kill Jarrett. KILL JARRET." Watts tell Goldy that next week's match is dedicated to her, but he needs her to stay in the back. Former Chicago Bear Brian Urlacher will be in Watts' camp next week (and since I don't follow the NFL, I don't care). Callis wants to start it right now, but security breaks them off.

Video recap of El Leon's appearances for the past two weeks are shown, hyping tonight's main event. Let's get right to it then!

MATCH SIX: El Leon vs. Jeff Jarrett in a Streetfight
THE ACTION: Jarrett's out first, and then here comes El Leon to the SAT's old music. Jarrett goes to hit Leon with a mailbox, but Leon ducks and hits him with a cookiesheet. Leon then grabs a trashcan and hits Jarrett with that before whipping him into the ropes, and El Leon hits an inverted Atomic Drop before clotheslining Jarrett over the top. Leon follows, and comes up with a series of rights after slamming Jarrett's face into the table. Tenay shoves Jarrett in the guardrail (a "pre-emptive strike"), and Jarrett's sent back into the ring. Leon comes in with a chairshot to Jarrett's back, and wedges it between the top and second ropes. Whip to the corner is reversed by Jarrett, who sends Leon into the corner. Jarrett eats boot, and bails. Leon follows, and Jarrett waffled him with a few trashcan lid shots before hitting him with a tray. Here comes the crowd brawling, and there goes the enjoyment of this match (since Jarrett SUCKS at crowd brawling). Jarrett shoves Leon into the chairs, and then hits him a few times in the back with a steel chair. Jarrett brings Leon back to the commentators' table, and slams him face-first. Jarrett goes over and grabs a leather strap from the ring, whipping Leon with it twice before grabbing another steel chair. Leon stands up, and BAM! Jarrett hits him with the chair before shoving Tenay for earlier. Leon fights back with a trashcan lid, and Tenay puts his headset back on to badmouth Jarrett. Back in the crowd, and Leon hits Jarrett over the back with a cookiesheet.
Jarrett catches Leon in the head with a chair, and then knocks him down with a shot to the midsection before hitting him in the back with a chair. Leon grabs a chair, and hits Jarrett over the head with it. Leon comes in, but Jarrett knees him in the midsection, doubling him over. Jarrett grabs a chair, and then threatens ICP and the Juggalo's. Bad move. Trust me. Jarrett begins WAILING away on Leon with a chair, and stops to go back to taunt ICP. HERE COMES THE FAYGO SPRAY~! Jarrett's drenched with the root beer, and Leon brings Jarret back to ringside, sending him into the ring.
Leon whips Jarrett into the ropes, but it's reversed. Leon ducks a clothesline, and then connects with one of his own for 2. Leon brings Jarrett back to his feet, and whips him into the ropes. Jarrett ducks a clothesline, and Leon lifts him up into a fireman's carry, hitting a sideslam out of it for 2. Leon brings Jarrett into the corner, and whips him across, hitting his back onto the chair. Leon charges, but Jarrett pulls the referee in the way, and Leon spears the ref into the chair by accident. Jarrett goes outside and grabs his guitar, but Tenay pulls it away from Jarrett, saying "no way, Jarrett." Jarrett turns around and eats a seated spinebuster by Leon, and the referee comes to for the 2-count. Jarrett knocks Leon down, and then goes for Tenay (who is on the apron). Tenay hops down, and Jarrett eats a (crappy) superkick by El Leon for 2. Leon whips Jarrett into the corner and charges, but Jarrett elbows him, making the big man stumble around. Jarrett grabs the guitar, and bashes it over Leon's head. Double J motion to the crowd that he's taking the mask off, and tries for it. The referee tries to pull him off, but Jarrett shoves him away. Out from the back comes AJ Styles, who hits a springboard lariat to Jeff Jarrett. The referee calls for the bell, and there's the NO CONTEST at 7:49.
WINNER: None, NO CONTEST.
POST-MATCH: AJ Styles hits a sweet suplex onto Jeff Jarrett, and then sets him up for the Styles Clash. Abyss charges out, clubs Styles, and hits the Torture Rack Backbreaker. Abyss rolls out of the ring, and sets up a table at the bottom of the ramp before sliding back in. Styles is up, and as Abyss is on the apron, he begins clubbing him before winding up, and Abyss tosses Styles out of the ring with a Gorilla Press Slam...THROUGH THE BAKA'ING TABLE!!!!! Abyss helps Jarrett celebrate as referees and security tend to AJ Styles on the outside. Jarrett comes over to Tenay, and tells him that AJ is out of a job as of next week, as well as Tenay. The Blackshirts keep them separated, and Tenay flips. Tenay: "It's going to be a cold day in Hell, Jarrett, when I lose my job because of you!"
RATING: *3/4. El Leon (Apolo) is slow in the ring due to his size, and the in-crowd brawling killed what could have been a decent streetfight. WHY MUST JARRETT'S MATCHES ALWAYS CONTAIN IN-CROWD BRAWLING?! Whatever. Baka it. That huss needs to wake up and realize that when he's not in the ring, he's chave.