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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (3/4/2004)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Mar 4, 2004, 21:42
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (3/4/2004)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Before we begin, a few of you have e-mailed over the last couple of days and asked me what I think of the Rob Feinstein fiasco that's come up over the last couple of days (and if you've been living in a cave and haven't heard about it, check out the thread in the forums and be sure to click the various links for the whole story). Honestly, there's not much I can say that hasn't been said already, but let me say that Feinstein might be the dumbest person to make the news all year so far, and that's saying something.
E-Mail of the Week: Jack Helferstay asked the immortal question this week.
JHawk: Would someone please explain to me why the WWE creative and/or editing teams think their fans are stupid? Last night, they edited Cena�s rap. If you noticed, he says the line to Torrie, and then Rey pops up. Now, are we expected to believe that Torrie and Sable are fast enough to disappear without being seen? Or do they expect that we wouldn�t notice? Whatever their thoughts, clearly they don�t know most of their fans. What did they edit it for? A match, NO, they edited it so Kurt could have Eddy arrested. I look forward to Cena�s raps, or really that they make sense.
So, they need to make things line up. The only thing I�m asking for is that their telecasts, Make Sense.
I don't really mind that one so much since it wasn't really important in the grand scheme of things, but it probably would have served them better to have taken the commercial break just before Rey's entrance rather than just after it. I thought there were much worse things about last week's show than the editing, personally.
Forums Quote of the Week: We finally get somebody else quoted here, as El Satanico gets the honors this week. And it comes on the heels of McDonald's announcing they're going to get rid of supersized fries in the United States.
What are you people bitching about?
They aren't removing fries from the menu and they aren't changing how they make the fries. The only thing they are doing is removing super-sized fries. Large fries are more than enough.
It's not like the lack of super-sized fries will have an negative effect on your McDonalds meal. The only change to your McDonald's experience will be slightly less french fries. It's hardly cause to react like they are taking fries off the menu.
Let's not forget the extra 30 cents in your pockets, which you'd think would at least be a big deal among te college students.
Tonight: The Time Warner digital cable preview says Brock Lesnar will be baiting Steve Austin, which would make no sense because Austin has nothing to do with SmackDown. So knowing WWE, it's probably 100% true. As far as actual matches go...well, they seem to be editing a match off the show every week lately anyway, so it's probably better not to mention any so nobody's disappointed.
Segment 1
Paul E. Heyman (with Dawn Marie) welcomes us to SmackDown, and he apologizes for Eddy Guerrero's actions last week. In trying to get to Kurt Angle, he went too far and got himself arrested. SmackDown is embarrassed by his actions, and so is Angle. Angle, in an attempt to prevent similar actions, Kurt Angle will not appear in person, but will tell his side of the story via satellite. And Eddy will tell his story from inside the ring...and Heyman demands an apology.
Cue the opening.
Taped 3/2/2004 from the Civic Center in Savannah, Georgia. Michael Cole and Tazz are at ringside, but first, here comes King Brock I to Steve Austin's music...and riding his ATV. Brock mocks Austin's entire ring entrance. Before he beats on Hardcore Holly tonight, Brock has things to say about Austin. Yes, Brock stole his four wheeler. It will drive over everything except a tow truck. Brock has guts...he went to the other show to attack Austin, and let's show the clip from February 23. So with Austin out of the way, "Bill Goldberg is next!" It's because of Goldberg that Brock's "bare naked" without the title belt. In 10 days, Brock will beat Goldberg senseless so that Goldberg can feel his pain.
Hardcore Holly vs. King Brock I
Holly immediately attacks Brock and clotheslines him over the top rope. Darker shirts for the referees. Brock catches Holly with a spinebuster for 2. Into the waistlock. Holly out of it with an elbow. Brock with a Hotshot. A clothesline sends Hardcore over the top rope, and Brock continues the assault outside the ring. Holly sends Brock shoulderfirst into the ringpost, and back into the ring they go. Best Dropkick in the Business (although poorly executed) by Holly. Brock gets the F5 almost out of nowhere and gets the pin at 2:48. That was kinda quick. * Postmatch, Brock Lesnar mocks Austin's beer bashes, complete with music, then he drives off in the ATV.
Tonight, Eddie Guerrero has to publicly apologize.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Here's a memo for WWE creative, just in case they're unaware of it. The match is Brock Lesnar vs. Bill Goldberg with Stone Cold Steve Austin as the special referee, not Brock Lesnar vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin with Goldberg acting like a bumper on a bumper pool table. I understand that Goldberg's filming a movie and that limits how well you can build the match up, but the intrigue should be about who wins the match, not when the referee will try to screw the heel over. At least we got an answer as to who stole Steve Austin's ATV...do you think Brock drove the Hummer on Nitro too?
Segment 2
WrestleMania XX in 10 days.
One fall: Danny Basham (w/Doug Basham) vs. Scotty 2 Hotty (WWE Tag Team Champion--w/Rikishi)
Last week, the Basham Brothers' interference gave the APA a non-title win over Scotty and Rikishi. Scotty with a side headlock. Shoulderblock, then back into the headlock. Rollover by Danny for a cover. Snap suplex by Scotty. Punches and chops. Danny with the thumb to the eye, and he rams Scotty's shoulder into the ringpost. And that makes the focal point of Danny's attack the left arm. Armbar submission, then into a shoulderbar. Scotty out of it with right hands. Superkick for 2. Bulldog to set up the Worm, but Doug switches with Danny, and he nips up, rolls up Scotty, and gets the illegal pin at 3:00. I actually like the finish for some reason. 3/4*
The interview with Angle is next.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I'd expect a triple threat for WrestleMania to be announced before the end of the night, as they made a big deal that both the APA and the Bashams deserve title shots after their victories the last two weeks. As for this match, it was too short to be good, but also too short to be offensive, and it was actually a unique way of doing the illegal switch spot, so I'm OK with it.
Why the FUCK is UPN bringing back The Mullets?
Segment 3
SmackDown has come to the Savannah Civic Center.
Some technician is putting the mic on My Olympic Hero at his home in Pittsburgh, leading to a video package highlighting the Angle-Eddy feud thus far.
Interview time.
Q: Why aren't you in Savannah?
A: You can't open the newspaper without some athlete being disgraced, and sure enough, Eddy Guerrero got arrested last week, so Angle refuses to be around to watch anyone else get hurt.
Q: When Eddy apoligizes...
A: Hold it. Would you want your children to end up like Eddy Guerrero? Well, Angle got booed last week as expected, but he wasn't prepared for how he'd react to it.
Q: Do you regret your actions last week?
A: If one person got the point last week, then it was worth it. But as long as Eddy's still champion, it's only going to get worse. Angle's fighting for the people, because Eddy holding the title would only bring disgrace to the title.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
You know, this was all well and good, but Angle didn't actually say anything he hadn't already said last week. He was just able to say it without being attacked afterwards. That's literally the only difference. It would have been a good segment if he'd have said anything new at all.
Segment 4
Non-Title Contest scheduled for one fall: SmackDown's NUMBAH ONE Announcah vs. Chavito Guerrero (WWE Cruiserweight Champion--w/Chavo Guerrero Sr.)
Both of these men are in the Cruiserweight Open at WrestleMania, along with Rey Misterio Jr., Billy Kidman, Nunzio, Jamie Noble, Tajiri, Akio, Ultimo Dragon, and Shannon Moore. Funaki and Moore? Good for them, but last I checked being on TV was a prerequisite for getting PPV title shots. Chavo attacks Funaki before the bell. Funaki with a hiptoss. A dropkick sends Chavo out of the ring, and Funaki adds a baseball slide for good measure. Back in, and Funaki clotheslines Chavo. Right hands, but Chavo avoids a dropkick. Abdominal stretch. Chavo Sr. gets on headset to complain about the Cruiserweight Open as Chavo gets a backdrop. Chavo Jr. yells at Tazz for no apparent reason and nearly gets pinned with a roll up. Backdrop by Funaki. Bulldog for 2. Enzuigiri. Flying bodypress, and Funaki rolls off. Funaki covers, but Chavo Sr. distracts Charles Robinson and Funaki, allowing Chavito to get an hair pull backbreaker on Funaki and get the pin at 3:27. *1/4
Heyman tells Dawn they're going to the ring for Eddy's apology, but Dawn's scared to go out there. Heyman promises to go to the Board of Directors if Eddy touches Dawn.
The Rock presents "Mick Foley: This Is Your Life" on Raw this week. Oh fuck...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
This was your basic cookie-cutter WWE cruiserweight match, where they get airtime just to appease the workrate freaks but don't really get enough time to actually show their stuff. Just a brief look at the cruiserweight open, and entertaining while it lasted, but I'd really like to see the cruisers get some time once in a while. You know, like they did (sort of) last week.
And if the "This is Your Life" segment on Raw is as "entertaining" as it was when it was "This Is Your Life, Rock", that's going be a long show.
Segment 5
A highlight video of the Passport to Pain tour of South Africa that's bound to be given at least two segments on this week's Confidential.
Heyman and Dawn are in the ring, and Heyman changes his mind and tells Dawn the ring isn't a safe working environment, so shake your ass back to the office. Heyman's patience with Eddy is wearing thin, so he wants an apology right now. Eddy Guerrero is going to come to the ring, but will he apologize? A huge "Eddy" chant breaks out as Eddy grabs the mic. Heyman wants Eddy to stop smiling because he's out here to apologize for being the first champion to be a drug addict, for assaulting Dawn Marie last week, for disgracing the championship, and for disgracing Paul Heyman's SmackDown. Eddy apologizes if he's disgraced the championship or the fans. And Heyman's surprised he actually did it. Apology accepted. But one more thing? "When I said I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you: I LIE!" Well, it's in the motto, and he got Heyman good. Heyman did the deer in the headlight thing. Eddy wishes he had a camera. He's not going to apologize for providing for his family, because he's proud to be WWE Champion and represent the fans. And he's proudest of all about walking into WrestleMania as WWE Champion...and he'll walk out WWE Champion. Another "Eddy" chant. Heyman gave Eddy a chance to apologize, and he spits in Heyman's face? The only thing he hates more than Eddy Guerrero as WWE Champion is Eddy Guerrero as a human being. He wishes Angle was here because he wants to watch Angle beat him into the ground. And he wishes he was in a position to beat on Eddy Guerrero personally. Eddy: "You couldn't beat me with both hands tied behind my back." Heyman asks point blank if he's lying, then asks if the crowd wants to see Eddy try. They cheer. "It looks like your public wants me to call your bluff, and that's just what I'm going to do." So the match is on, but instead of tied, Eddy's hands will be handcuffed behind his back since Eddy's used to it already.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So Eddy Guerrero's a disgrace when the general manager gets to make matches that stack the odds against wrestlers that piss him off? Well, Heyman's the heel, so if he believes that, cool. But does this really sound like a main event worthy of WrestleMania buildup? Entertaining segment, but the match it set up is going to suck.
Segment 6
The John Cena DVD is out now. Way to tell us ahead of time. Eh, not like I'm buying it anyway.
Six Man Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: Rey Misterio Jr., Billy Kidman, and Ultimo Dragon vs. Tajiri Yoshihiro, Akio, and Sakoda
Everybody except Sakoda will be part of the Cruiserweight Open at WrestleMania. Akio and Dragon start. Chain wrestling sequence to start, which turns into Akio trying to brawl. Dragon rolls through a sunset flip and kicks Akio in the chest for 2. Tag to Kidman, who gets a slingshot legdrop for 2. Tajiri tags in, and Kidman takes him over with a flying headscissors. Savate kick by Tajiri, and Kidman is going to be your face-in-peril. Tag to Akio, who stomps away. Sakoda tags in and locks in a bearhug. Knees and forearms, and a corner whip for 2. Vertical suplex for 2. Tag to Akio. A series of stomps. Kidman ducks a clothesline and dropkicks Akio. Hot tag to Rey, who gets a satellite headscissors. Spinning heel kick for 2. Now we've got all six men flying in and out of the ring. Rey with a rana to Akio that puts him in the ropes, but Tajiri prevents the 619. Only temporarily, as he hits the 619, followd by a swinging DDT for the pin at 4:41. Spotfest, but action-packed. **
Heyman vs. Eddy later tonight.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Another case of guys not getting enough time to really showcase their stuff, but right now we've seen seven of the ten men involved in the cruiserweight open in action tonight. Can we only get decent length matches on shows with three or four matches though? I mean, no way is Heyman-Eddy going 20 minutes, so what's the point of all these sub-five minute specials tonight?
Segment 7
Dawn Marie asks Heyman if he really wants to wrestle tonight, but all he wants to hear from her is that his gear has arrived. Eddy "attacked" a defenseless Dawn Marie last week, so Heyman wants to show Eddy what it's like to be defenseless.
The World's Greatest Tag Team comes to the ring dressed like the APA. Why is the white guy dressed like Faarooq and the black guy dressed like Bradshaw? Just a thought. Shelton Bradshaw talks about liking NASCAR, drinking beer, and knitting while making love. Charlie Faarooq just says "Damn" alot as they talk about never beating Haas and Benjamin. Haas: "Damn! Damn damn damnity damn damn." Benjamin: "That's a hell of a vocabulary you got there. Where'd you learn that, Florida State?" I don't know if anybody agrees with me, but I'm finding this hilarious. Now they're gonna sing one from the West Texas Rednecks. The return of "Rap is Crap" (changed to "APA is Crap"), and here come The Real APA to attack...and the Bashams to attack the APA. Lots and lots of double teaming to the APA until Rikishi and Scotty finally make the save.
The Too Damn Big Show talks shop with Ape Train, who prepares for John Cena.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So either there's a fatal four way for the SmackDown Tag Team Titles at WrestleMania (real original, guys), or an 8-man tag team match for no title. Either way, the heels have all the talent. The crowd didn't seem to get the segment though. I mean, they booed Haas and Benjamin, but mostly for insulting the crowd and not for their parody of the APA. Hell, I marked out for the West Texas Rednecks reference, so that makes the segment a thumbs up right there.
Segment 8
WrestleMania Recall: Hulk Hogan vs. The Rock (WrestleMania X8).
One fall: Ape Train vs. John Cena
Of course, Cena has to do the freestyle before the match, saying the World's Greatest Tag Team's singing was worse than the Japanese guy from American Idol, then puts himself over as he prepares for his U.S. Title shot at WrestleMania. He acknowledges the editing of his raps, saying "Even Vincent Kennedy McMahon can't see me yet."
Now onto the actual match. A-Train breaks a headlock and takes Cena down with a shoulderblock. Hard right hand by Cena. A-Train takes the fight to the outside, but misses a clothesline and hits the ringpost. In the ring, and Cena focuses on the left shoulder. Cena slides down the back to avoid a powerslam, but he can't avoid a clothesline with A-Train's other arm. A series of right hands in the corner. Knees to the midsection, and A-Train goes after Cena's bad knee. Cena fights back, but he gets dropped by A-Train's headbutt. A-Train again misses Cena and hits the ringpost.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Oh great, make this the long match of the evening when you actually put cruiserweights on the show. I guess I have to pretend I'm enjoying it now.
Segment 9
Cena with shoulderblocks into A-Train's midsection, but A-Train knocks him back down. A series of stomps. Snap mare and a boot to the back of the head. Back to work on the left knee. Cena finally fights back...but is quickly sent into the corner. Cena avoids a boot and begins pounding away at A-Train. Pump up the shoes, and it's the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena avoids the Derailer and hits the FU for the pin at 9:35. I've seen worse. Just not tonight, I'm afraid. 1/2*
Cue The Big Show's music, and he appears by the entrance applauding. Every time Show thinks he's going down, Cena finds a way to overcome adversity and win. And that's what it takes to become US Champion. Show envies Cena. Not for his witty raps or his body, but for his ability to dream. But while Cena was dreaming, he woke up a sleeping giant. One that beat The Rock at Madison Square Garden. One that beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Championship at Madison Square Garden. One that retired Hulk Hogan at MSG. And when he keeps dreaming, he's going to run into a 7' tall nightmare. WrestleMania XX might be where it all begins again, but it's where it all ends for Cena.
Cole and Tazz discuss WrestleMania. Big Show vs. John Cena. The Cruiserweight Open. Eddy Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle. The Rock 'n' Sock Connection vs. Evolution. Chris Jericho vs. Christian. Victoria vs. Molly Holly. RVD and Booker T vs. La Resistance vs. Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak vs. the winner of Sunday Night Heat's main event. Triple H vs. Shawn Michels vs. Chris Benoit. The Undertaker vs. Kane. The Playboy Evening Gown Match. Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar with special referee Steve Austin. Kind of a Raw-heavy show, isn't it?
Heyman makes sure Brian Hebner knows who he works for, and he tells Hebner to make sure Eddy remains handcuffed. Hebner asks for the key, but Heyman is keeping the key, and he's going to beat some sense into Eddy Guerrero.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A boring match for the most part, which is a shame because I actually like both of those guys more than some people do. But that was way too long, and the midmatch break was silly. Think of it this way. I timed it at 9:35, including commercial. Figure three minutes for the commercial, and that's 6:35. Why not just take the break at the end of the match, come back when Show meets A-Train, have Cena do his rap, take another break, then have a six minute match? I hate non-wrestling segments, but unless you're hitting 12-15 minutes (or more) there's no point to that midmatch break, because 9 minutes uninterrupted is certainly feasible. The Big Show's promo basically saved both segments, and it certainly did more to put over the US Title Match at WrestleMania than that match did. And Show was able to put himself over and still put Cena over at the same time, which is what a good promo's supposed to do.
Segment 10
Your hosts discuss the Hall of Fame inductees. Jesse Ventura, Harley Race, Superstar Billy Graham, Tito Santana, Sgt. Slaughter, Bobby Heenan, Don Muraco, Greg Valentine, Big John Studd, Junkyard Dog, and Pete Rose. Which of these names doesn't belong?
One fall with Eddy Guerrero's hands handcuffed behind his back: Paul E. Heyman vs. Eddy Guerrero (WWE Champion)
It takes a while to get handcuffs on Eddy. They argue at the bell, and Heyman slaps Eddy. Eddy ducks another slap and uses a knee to the midsection. A series of shoulderblocks, and a series of kicks. Eddy ducks a series of punches and kicks Heyman in the knees. And now to the ribs. Heyman rolls to the floor for a Tastykake break. Heyman gets one shot in on the floor and starts running. He runs up the aisle...and here comes Kurt Angle...so now you ask how he got from Pittsburgh to Savannah in an hour and a half unless....wait for it....IT WAS A SETUP ALL LONG! Angle tapes up his hands, and Heyman, who has the only key to the handcuffs, is now long gone. No contest around 3:00, and a solid DUD. Eddy's in the ring calling for Angle to enter the ring. He has no arms, Kurt, get the hell in there already! Eddy kicks at Angle every time he tries to enter the ring. Angle's ready for it and gets a single-leg takedown in, then he slides into the ring. Eddy gets a few kicks in, but Angle catches him and drops him with a Hotshot. Angle measures Eddy for some right hands. Finally some variety, as Angle uses a kneelift. Angle to the outside, and he grabs the belt. In the ring he goes...and he taunts Eddy, who spits in Angle's face and practically begs to be hit with the belt. Ask, and you shall receive. Angle stands over Eddy with the belt...
END OF SHOW
Well, I expected the match to suck, and it did, and we even got a boring postmatch beatdown after it. OK, so there wasn't much Angle was going to do when Eddy can't protect himself, but would getting some punches in at a decent pace before the belt shot have really been a bad thing in that situation? At least Angle gets some sort of edge in the feud again.
Overall, the streak of bleh SmackDowns continues. Anytime I like the mic work better than the action, I'm not happy. And tonight, outside of the too short six man tag team match, I saw no redeeming quality with the in-ring action, and what mic work I did enjoy wasn't enough to carry this show. Let's put it this way. The segment I found most favorable overall was the APA parody...and nobody involved in that segment has an official WrestleMania match yet. Hey guys, each brand has one show left. Let's remember where our focus is and try to salvage the buildup here.
That being said, I'll get 15 e-mails telling me how stupid I am (with the less common "oo" spelling) for not thinking this was the greatest SmackDown ever.
And you can send any e-mail, whether you agree or disagree with me, to the usual address.
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