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TNA
Raw from JHawk's Beak (3/8/2004)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Mar 9, 2004, 09:48
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Raw from JHawk's Beak (3/8/2004)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
I have no witty introduction this week that is either relevant or true, and you've already waited all night to see this, so let's get right to it.
Tonight: The Rock will present a very special "This Is Your Life" to Mick Foley...and being that we're in the home stretch for WrestleMania, I doubt very highly that this is going to be a wrestling-heavy show.
Segment 1
We don't normally start Raw with a casket in the middle of the ring, but tonight LIVE in Bridgeport, Connecticut, we're going to bah gawd!
Cue the opening.
Worms crawl out of the casket as Kane watches on a monitor. Well, that's what JR said, but the screen's too dark for me to tell. Kane makes his way to the ring, but he slows down about halfway there. And he takes his time getting in there. Kane knocks the casket over, and it opens to reveal...an urn. So Kane destroys the casket and a perfectly good ring mat at the same time. Kane grabs the mic and questions why The Undertaker sent him an urn. For weeks Taker's sent him signs of his return for an empty casket and an urn full of ashes. "Is this what I have to look forward to? Empty promises?" It's going to take more than that to beat Kane at WrestleMania XX. Kane vows to end Taker's WrestleMania winning streak. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. It's back to the grave for you...for good this time. It's over, dead man. I am not afraid of you! Do you hear me, dead man? I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!" Cue the gong, and the "10,000 pound ring" lifts off the ground...with Kane in it. Then cue the Titantron: "This Sunday... It all begins again. Rest in peace." If the ring is rockin', don't bother knockin'.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A good promo from Kane and a kickass visual for sure, but it really wasn't what I was hoping for as far as WrestleMania hype goes. But I can't say I have anything better that would keep The Undertaker off of TV, so given the circumstances, this is probably the best we could have hoped for.
Segment 2
Tonight, The Rock presents "Mick Foley, This Is Your Life".
Garrison Cade, Mark Jindrak, and La Resistance vs. Booker T, Rob....Van....Dam (World Tag Team Champions) and The Dudley Boyz
And these four teams will be in the fatal four way for those titles this Sunday at WrestleMania. Bubba Ray Dudley and Rob Conway start. Short clothesline by Bubba for 2. Rene Dupree comes in and gets caught with a hiptoss and a neckbreaker for 2. RVD tagged in, and he hits Rolling Thunder for 2. Stepover back kick, but the backflip shoulderblock meets ringpost. Cade tags in and goes to work on RVD's shoulders. Armbar takedown for 2. Tag to Jindrak, and he locks in an armbar as we get a scrolling textbar saying that Dish Network might completely drop all Viacom channels for its servers. Tag to Booker T, who works over all four opponents. Book End to Jindrak, there's the save, and there's the eight man brawl. Booker goes for a Scissors Kick, but Conway elbows Booker, leading to Jindrak clotheslining Booker for the pin at 4:11. *1/2 The winners start arguing over who should get credit for the win.
Y2J+4 is on his cell phone, and apparently chaos is ensuing as technicians run past him in a panic. Jericho finds some privacy, and he's talking to Trish Stratus, saying that once he finishes with Stevie Richards tonight, he'll get revenge on Christian for what he did to her two weeks ago. "I can't believe you just that Trish, because there's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time too. See...OOF!" Christian has attacked from behind, and he grabs Jericho's phone. "I just want you to know that I left your boyfriend in the same position you're used to being in. Flat on his back."
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A decent match to kick things off, and it's designed to make all four teams appear as though they're on equal footing leading into WrestleMania. No problem with that, but I'm not sure the fans are going buy Cade and Jindrak or La Resistance as champions against RVD and Booker or the Dudley Boyz.
Segment 3
During the break, Christian had a car waiting for him, so he got the hell out of Dodge.
Good Ol' JR and The King discuss things as Lawler is given his WrestleMania XX pizza delivery. Um...what?
Todd Grisham interviews the champions, and he asks if Jindrak pinning Booker T is an omen for WrestleMania. Booker will give Jindrak and Cade their props, but nothing is going to stop RVD and Booker. Can you dig that, sucka? RVD then does the thumb thing that gets the crowd shouting "Rob......Van......Dam", then he looks almost disgusted as he walks off.
Tonight, The Rock presents "Mick Foley, This Is Your Life". Let's get clips of "The Rock, This Is Your Life" from back in September 1999. God, that bit sucked.
And Mr. Walking Tall is here! Rocky looks off-camera and tells his arch nemesis "You've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here." Pan out to see The Hurricane (and Rosey), and watch me mark the fuck out! Actually, Rocky's the one with the nerve since Hurricane won the last meeting. But that was with the Scorpion King. Right now, he's looking at The Rock. Let's pause this skit to soak in the Rocky chant. But Rosey and Hurricane saw a sneak peek of Walking Tall, and it was very good. But Rosey didn't see it because he got lost getting candy, and he ended up seeing "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" instead. Rock tries to keep himself from laughing as Hurricane welcomes him back, but he reminds Hurricane of someone else. Same goes for Rock: "We've got Hamburglar AND Grimace in the house!" But with the hair and goatee, he reminds Hurricane of....Coach is now behind the Rock. If Rock works a little harder, he could be an exact double. But Rock only came here to present Mick Foley with "This Is Your Life", and he has a sneak preview based on Coach's life. "How can I kiss your ass, Mr. Bischoff?" Then he shoves Coach out of the way before wishing Hurricane and Rosey luck in their match with Evolution tonight.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Can I assume the WrestleMania XX pizza box is a promotion with Domino's or something? Does the look on RVD's face hint at a heel turn, or is he just bored? As far as Rock and Hurricane goes, it certainly wasn't on par with their stuff from this time last year, but I appreciate them playing off of those bits a little...even though Rocky looks more like a villain with that damn goatee.
Segment 4
3 on 2 Handicap Match scheduled for one fall: The Hurricane and Rosey vs. Randy Orton (WWE Intercontinental Champion), Don't Call Me Dave Batista, and The Man WHOO!
Flair and Hurricane start. Chops by Flair, but Hurricane gets a whip and a backdrop. Headlock, but Flair counters with a suplex and tags in Orton. Orton targets the leg and tags in Batista, and Hurricane's leg is to focus of Evolution. Sidewalk slam, and Batista knocks Rosey off the apron. Sitout Power Bomb, pin at 1:25. Sigh. 1/4* Rosey comes in, but he gets triple teamed by Evolution. Spinebuster by Batista, and Orton grabs the mic. Rock and Foley, this is your life. "Two pathetic comebacks are going to be met with pain and embarrassment this Sunday at WrestleMania!" Once the biggest names in the business, but now...it's Evolution. Is Orton actually drawing an "asshole" chant?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So much for playing off of last year. Hurricane finally gets some TV time and he gets pinned in under 90 seconds. Hey, I'm as happy as anybody that they remembered to keep Evolution strong going into WrestleMania, but I don't think they need to look so strong that Hurricane and Rosey can't get more than one real move in on them.
Segment 5
Sold out from the Arena at Harboryard in Bridgeport, CT, and last week, Chris Benoit and Shawn Michaels couldn't get along in their tag team match.
One fall: Chris BenOIT vs. Matt Hardy v.1.0
Matt Facts: "Matt never irons his clothes" and "Matt occasionally cheats on his diet". So does almost every woman, Matt. Hardy taunts Benoit but gets knocked down. Suplex by Benoit. Backbreaker for 2. Snap suplex, and Hardy to the floor for a Tastykake break. Back in, and Benoit blocks a bulldog with a series of German suplexes, then he locks in a Crippler Crossface for the submission at 1:38? That's fucking IT?!?! 3/4* JR heads to the ring for an interview.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Why tease me? I saw Matt Hardy come out there, and I was all set to put up *** for a 6-7 minute matchup, but they go and cut it off before it ever even gets started. Boo! The one time Benoit should have a competitive match in the WrestleMania hype, and you don't let him have one. Dammit! Give them 15-20 minutes on a PPV...preferably in a World Title match.
Segment 6
JR asks Benoit what is going through his head concerning WrestleMania. Everything Benoit has sacrificed 18 years for will be defined at WrestleMania XX. He'll be in there with two of the greatest wrestlers in the world, and he will walk out of Madison Square Garden with the belt around his waist. The Holy Bible Kid apparently disagrees, because he makes his way to the ring. HBK respects Benoit's accomplishments more than anybody, and he wants to fulfill a lifelong dream. But HBK wants to end the war with Triple H, and to do that, he needs to win the title...and the crowd boos. It's not about grudges for Benoit, but they can agree to disagree on who will be winning the title while agreeing a new champion will be crowned. So...good luck and stuff...while we stare each other down...and shake hands. Um...anyway, here comes Hungry Hungry Hippos, who's so happy that they're all buddy-buddy now. But he thinks the entire situation is a bunch of crap. I can't guage this crowd. HHH: "I am the guy who always overcomes the odds." No matter how small the opportunity, "I will twist it and manipulate it until it becomes an advantage." Hunter has beaten them all because of that edge. And the edge he has this Sunday? Ego. Shawn's ego will make it impossible for Benoit to win the title, and Benoit's ego will make it impossible for Shawn to become champion. He doesn't mention his own ego, which Hunter calls "Stephie baby" in the bedroom. ::rimshot::
COMMERCIAL BREAK
About the only problem I have with this segment is the handshake between Michaels and Benoit. I mean, if all of a sudden it doesn't matter who has the title as long as Hunter doesn't have it, then what the bloody hell have they been fighting for? Two months of "the belt's mine, no, it's mine" and they shake hands? Only to have Triple H go "It'll never work out" like Zack started dating Jessie instead of Kelly or something? Selling the distrust is good, but the handshake makes no sense given the last two months.
Segment 7
Mick Foley is backstage, and he runs into Spike Dudley. Foley's excited about tonight, but he's nervous because he has some skeletons in the closet. Um...that's why you should bury the bodies, Mick.
One fall: Lita vs. Good Golly Miss Molly Holly
Molly attacks Lita before the bell. Hair Beell. And again. Face gouge. Backbreaker for 2. Reverse chinlock. You might want to check the choke there, ref. Lita gets out of it and counters a side slam with the world's slowest flying headscissors ever. Clothesline. Inverted Twist of Fate for 2. Molly avoids a Twist of Fate and hooks the roll up (with the ropes for leverage) for the pin at 2:23, then starts ripping Lita's hair out. 1/2* Victoria runs out for the save and tosses Molly out of the ring by her hair, then tells her she'll be getting her head shaved on Sunday.
Last week, Steve Austin tried to run over Vince McMahon. Austin will be here next.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Another short match, but I have to admit I like this storyline between Molly and Victoria. I still think Victoria's title win should have come at WrestleMania, but they're still doing a pretty good job of trying to sell this title vs. hair situation. I'm actually looking forward to that one.
Segment 8
Lots of different activities for WrestleMania weekend.
Let's recap the Goldberg-Brock Lesnar feud and pretend the wrestlers are going to overshadow the referee.
And Sheriff Austin is in town! And he has to walk to the ring since his ATV was stolen! And he'll be walking to the WrestleMania XX press conference this Thursday at noon at New York City's Planet Hollywood! Austin's ready for WrestleMania, as he's been speared and F5d, so he can call the match right down the middle. And he'll throw punches if necessary. He doesn't care that Brock stole his four-wheeler, because he'll go to Atlantic City, gamble, drink, then go to SmackDown to get the four-wheeler back. Dammit... And he dares the entire SmackDown roster to try to stop him.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
No, Austin's not wrestling this Sunday. Why do you ask? Because he barely even mentioned Goldberg in passing during a promo to hype Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar? Sigh. And now Austin gets to go onto SmackDown despite the fact that I don't think he can actually do that without Vince McMahon's approval...but that never stopped them before, so what the hell.
Segment 9
One fall: Y2J+4 vs. Steven Richards
Stevie Richards on Raw? Oh, no Heat this coming weekend. Jericho attacks Richards before the bell. Chops. Boot to the face, but Richards recovers and rams Jericho's shoulder into the ringpost. Richards goes to work on the left arm. Armbar. Jericho breaks with an armdrag. Spinwheel kick. Chops. Drop toehold into the ropes, followed by the squisher (tm Kevin Nash). Lionsault misses, Jericho lands on his feet, but Richards with the advantage. Suplex by Richards is countered into a roll up, and Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho. Trish Stratus' music plays, but Christian comes out for the distraction, and Richards gets a small package in for an upset win at 2:35. * An angry Jericho decides to take things out on Richards, slamming him on top of the ringsteps.
A quick look at the Hall of Fame inductees.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Stevie Richards wins a match, giving me more evidence to my theory that hell may indeed be freezing over. But why was Trish's music playing when Christian came out? It could simply be that Christian paid the sound guy to do it...or it could be hinting at a Trish Stratus heel turn that I'm not sure fans would buy. Not because Trish is incapable of being a heel, but because her breasts are too big for men to boo her.
Segment 10
"Step Up" by Drowning Pool is...um...being plugged for no apparent reason.
Jackie Gayda and My Future Wife are waiting for Eric Bischoff, but they're excited about their big evening gown match at WrestleMania XX. They want to prove they're the two hottest divas in WWE, and they're half right. Stacy Keibler always look yummy, but it depends on Jackie's hair and makeup. And in comes ::smile:: Johnny Blaze to wish them luck and tell them how important the match is for Raw. And he's a hands-on apprentice, so call him anytime. The ladies leave, and Blaze turns and asks Eric Bischoff what he thinks, and Bischoff is impressed.
WrestleMania is Sunday, and it starts at 7pm Eastern/4pm Pacific. Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Benoit. Chris Jericho vs. Christian. Victoria vs. Molly Holly. Cade/Jindrak vs. RVD/Booker vs. Dudleyz vs. La Resistance. The Rock 'n' Sock Connection vs. Evolution. Michael Cole and Tazz are in Stamford to hype the SmackDown matches: The Cruiserweight Open. The Big Show vs. John Cena. Scotty 2 Hotty/Rikishi vs. Basham Brothers vs. APA vs. Haas/Benjamin. Eddy Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle. Plus the interpromotional matches: The evening gown match. The Undertaker vs. Kane. And Brock Lesnar vs. Bill Goldberg with special referee Steve Austin.
The Rock is backstage, and it's almost time for "This Is Your Life".
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Honestly, the only thing that really came out of this segment was a chance to stare at Stacy Keibler for a minute or two. I think Johnny Blaze might be charismatic too, but I was too busy looking at Stacy.
Segment 11
And here comes The Rock! And he's back for a whole six more days! Huge "Rocky" chant. Rock has never said this in seven years, but "Finally The Rock has come back to Bridgeport." But Mick Foley lost his ability to smile thanks to Evolution. So tonight, Mick's going to get his smile back. Where were you seven years ago when we went from Bret Hart-Shawn Michaels to Undertaker-Sycho Sid because of a lost smile? Foley won't be truly happy until they beat Evolution at WrestleMania, but tonight, "This is your life." It's raining confetti. Take a stroll down memory lane and relive the footage from The Loved One of Foley jumping off his roof. "What in the blue hell was wrong with you?" Rocky brought the owner of the house he jumped off of, Miss Dora Snyder. JR: "I would venture to say this is Miss Dora Snyder's first time in the ring." Foley thought this would be an ex-girlfriend revealing some sexual secrets, but this is great because she gave the boys cookies, milk, and some "mouth-watering pie". Well, Rocky asks for clarification there. Everyone lined up for it. Boys, girls, stray dogs... Rock's reaction alone is making this work! Anyway, she no longer serves pie on her porch, but she will keep her back door open for strudel. "Back off, you sick freak!" Now, remember when Mick Foley hitchhiked for 5 miles...I mean, hours...to watch Jimmy Snuka jump off the top of the steel cage at Madison Square Garden? Mick Foley, say hello to WWE Hall of Famer Superfly Jimmy Snuka. Well, this is cool! Foley's honored, because if it wasn't for Snuka, he wouldn't be in this ring tonight. But what he wants to know is will Snuka be at MSG for WrestleMania? Apparently so. Rocky imitates Snuka's promos, "and in all honesty, nobody knew what the hell you were saying, but..." And on the "but", Miss Snyder checks out Snuka's ass. Rocky apologizes, but Snuka says "The Superfly loves pie." Rock's disgusted, but Foley's all for it. So Rocky agrees to pay for the hotel room as long as they leave the ring. Anyway! Foley was an amazing wrestler and entertainer, and a best selling author, beginning with "Have a Nice Day". So Rocky brought in Bob Thompson, who wrote the first review of Foley's first book. Of course, this guy didn't like Foley's book and called wrestling fans idiots. So Foley wants to stuff Mr. Socko down his throat. Even a fake critic can draw an "asshole" chant. But this man represents all those people who told Foley he couldn't succeed. To show the world that the critics are wrong. Just like the critics that say they can't beat Evolution are wrong. The critic tells Rock that if he had this much passion in Walking Tall, it wouldn't be a "walking piece of crap". Lawler: "Maybe he writes for one of those dirt sheets." But it doesn't matter what Bob thinks. Foley's got Socko ready, and Socko meets Mr. Thompson. Mick, this is your life...and another chapter comes to an end when they beat Evolution on Sunday. Batista comes in from behind and takes out The Rock. Foley goes for Batista, but out come Flair and Orton...and it's 3-on-1 again. They go for a triple power bomb, but in comes Rocky to make the save. A Rock Bottom for Orton is stopped by Batista, and not even the Rock 'n' Sock Connection can overcome the numbers game as Batista takes Rock down with a Sitout Power Bomb.
END OF SHOW
I don't agree with this being the final segment, simply because a match should end the show 99 times out of a 100. But this was much better than the first "This is your life" segment from back in 1999. Funnier stuff (thanks largely to The Rock) combined with an actual point (the 3-on-2 beatdown), which was something that was missing the first time. Nice symbolism with the stuff with the critic and the numbers game as well. They surprised me with this one, because it worked very well.
But overall, thank God for that last segment, and it ended an otherwise poor showing. OK, so it helped build up to WrestleMania, and I'm definitely more interested in this show now than I was a week ago. And truth be told, that was the point, so mission accomplished. But there were simply too many short matches to satisfy those of us who still watch wrestling for the wrestling. The longest match was barely four minutes...and it was an eight man tag team match. How the hell is anybody worn down that fast in an eight man tag?
I hate to say it, but those of you who will be watching this overseas should just wait until around the one hour 45 minute mark and watch the last segment, because you're not too likely to be entertained before that point.
Feedback goes here.
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