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Raw from JHawk's Beak (3/15/2004)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Mar 15, 2004, 22:19
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Raw from JHawk's Beak (3/15/2004)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Benoit! Benoit! Benoit! Well, I'll be damned, World Wrestling Entertainment got one right. They ended an OK but unspectacular WrestleMania with one of the rare markout moments for me, Chris Benoit making Triple H tap out to the Crippler Crossface in the main event of WrestleMania. I popped watching a wrestling match on television, and I can't remember the last time I did that. And that postmatch celebration between Benoit and Eddy Guerrero is going to go down as one of my all-time favorite WrestleMania moments. Of course, I haven't been online since the show ended and therefore have no idea if anybody has decided to throw a bitchfit about it yet, but unless you're a diehard Shawn Michaels fan or something, then you can't convince me you thought the end of WrestleMania sucked in any way.
The rest of the card, however...
Tonight: It's basically the WrestleMania fallout edition of Raw, as we celebrate Chris Benoit's title victory, we find out why in the hell Trish Stratus is shacking up with Christian, and we find out that only Steve Austin is left standing after the Brock Lesnar-Goldberg "match" at WrestleMania. How will we begin the build to Backlash? Read on to find out.
Segment 1
LIVE from the Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, New Jersey, and please welcome...Hungry Hungry Hippos? Interesting...well, not really. Triple H comes to the ring with his arm in a sling. That sounds like a "You tapped out" chant. Hunter can't even start his promo, as the crowd won't quiet down, and I love it! The chant turns into "Benoit, Benoit, Benoit!" HHH: "You think one match makes someone the best?" Well, you never gave anybody not named Shawn Michaels a second match, so yeah, I'd say it does under your logic. But Hunter claims that you're not the best until you defend the title night after night, month after month, year after year. Um...you defended the title? That's new. But that's why this morning...the crowd's too damn happy that he tapped out to let him finish, so he bitches that it took two men to beat him. He's beaten them all, and that's why this morning, he looked at himself in the mirror and realized he's still the best. The crowd doesn't think so. Incredible heat! So Hunter addresses Benoit: He hasn't beaten him yet, because now Benoit's the target. And once the sling comes off, it'll be one-on-one...and Chris BenOIT cuts him off right there, and he brings the belt with him. A huge "Benoit" chant as the champ grabs the stick. Then cue the "You tapped out" chant. Benoit was listening to Hunter bitch and moan, and he had enough. It takes more than one match to become the best? Well, last night at WrestleMania XX, he beat two men and became the best. An angry Triple H throws his mic down as the crowd continues to get on him. He talks about consistency? Benoit tells him he'll give him the shot when the arm's better, because he'll make Triple H tap out night after night, month after month, year after year. I'm waiting for Hunter to take the sling off. HHH: "Not on your best damn day." Benoit: "Well, come to think of it, today isn't my best damn day." And Benoit knocks Triple H down before working over the arm, and the rest of Evolution runs to the rescue. They surround the ring, and out comes the Holy Bible Kid with a chair. That sends Evolution to the floor, and Benoit keeps his eye on Michaels until Eric Bischoff comes out and claims that Mr. McMahon will not sanction a World Title Match anytime in the near future, and he'll explain that when he gets here. But he can make the main event, so tonight, Batista, Randy Orton, and Ric Flair will face Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit in a handicap match. Just what we needed, another handicap match.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Does that build Benoit well enough for everybody's tastes? The arm in the sling puts over the damage the Crippler Crossface can do, and to top it all off, he gets to punk out Triple H. And I'm loving the fact that the crowd is completely into Benoit and completely against Triple H...wow, both of them getting over based on a match. One hell of a concept there. I'm not looking forward to the main event because we don't need another handicap match (and we simply added Flair to the tag match from a couple of weeks ago, and it wasn't that great the first time), but an excellent segment to kick things off.
Segment 2
Coach asks HBK why he saved Benoit, and HBK simply said he's protecting his investment. If Benoit's healthy, then HBK has to get a shot since he's beaten Benoit, but Benoit hasn't beaten HBK. So he'll protect his partner tonight and take HHH out of contention if necessary.
Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Victoria (WWE Women's Champion) and Lita vs. Jazz (w/Theodore Long) and Good Golly Miss Molly Holly (w/blond wig)
I'd tell you how much Molly's haircut pisses me off, but it's only a two hour show. Molly goes right after Victoria as Jazz sends Lita out to the floor. She gets a near fall and tags in Jazz, who slams Victoria hard to the mat. A series of crossface blows, and then into chops as the crowd chants "Molly's bald". Corner whip, but Jazz misses a splash in the corner and Lita tags in. Monkey flip. Suplex, nip up. Flying headscissors. A couple of punches, but she runs into Molly's foot. Lita brings Molly into the ring, and off goes the wig. Molly leaves the ring, leaving Jazz on her own to take a DDT from Lita for the pin at 3:08. I'd like to call it decent, but the shit with Molly's hair took away from the actual match. 1/2*
Still to come, that huge handicap match, plus Stacy vs. Miss Jackie. Wanna explain this one, guys? Plus, RVD and Booker T vs. The Dudley Boyz for the World Tag Team Titles.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
And thus we see the burial of Molly Holly right before our eyes. What exactly is the point of having Molly Holly shave her head? So she can run with the Kurt Angle wig angle from two years ago? If Molly isn't regaining the women's title at Backlash, there is no redeeming quality to this. On a side note though, I hope she's allowed to dye it blond when it grows back. She's much cuter as a blonde.
Segment 3
Your hosts are Good Ol' JR and The King, and I can't hear a damn word they're saying. Damn, the sound's back. They'll have more on the Chris Jericho-Christian-Trish Stratus situation.
Live in East Rutherford in front of the largest Raw crowd in two years as we go through the still pictures of Trish Stratus' unsurprising heel turn at WrestleMania.
And an angry Y2J+4 is asked by Todd Grisham how he feels, but Jericho tries to ignore him after giving him the Look of Death. Todd Grisham and Todd Pettingill...separated at birth?
One fall: Matt Hardy v.1.0 vs. Y2J+4
Matt Fact: "Matt is ridiculously underrtared". Amen, my brother. Jericho pounds away on Hardy to start. Corner whip, clothesline. Hard chops. Clothesline as JR informs us that Christian and Trish aren't here. Jericho charges Hardy, and Hardy gets a drop toehold and finally takes control. He runs into a Jericho clothesline, but Jericho chooses to beat on Hardy rather than pin him. Hardy recovers with a back suplex and a series of punches in the corner. Jericho grabs Hardy by the hair and dumps him out to the floor, then follows him to the floor to continue the beatdown. Jericho chokes Hardy with the camera cable as Earl Hebner finally calls for the bell at 2:15. He tells Jericho he's disqualified for refusing to follow the rules, but Jericho ignores Hebner and storms off. 1/2* for the intensity.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Anybody expecting Jericho to challenge Christian to a chicken race near the edge of a tall cliff? For once, I won't complain about the match being criminally short (although it was) because the story was a simple one -- Jericho is pissed about how he got betrayed last night, so he takes it out on whoever he can get his hands on until he cane get finally get hold of Christian and/or Trish. It's a shame Hardy has to be the sacrifical lamb when Test isn't doing anything of note, but I love the storytelling here.
Segment 4
Godsmack's "Touche" is available tomorrow. I'm guessing that's the Backlash theme song.
During the break, Chris Jericho drove out of the building.
We have a 3-on-2 handicap match later match. You saw Segment 1, you know how it came about.
Randy Orton cuts a promo, saying he's better than Mick Foley since he won with RKO last night. But didn't Triple H say about three segments ago that one match proved nothing? Orton challenges Foley to a one-on-one match with Evolution banned from ringside, and he wants to know what it'll feel like when little "Huey" looks up to Orton. It's Dewey, actually, which is probably the point.
Sylvan Grenier is back with La Resistance, and they have a poodle named Fifi. Sheriff Austin comes in looking at the dog, and that's a violation, so he's writing a ticket to the "French bitch". Not the dog, Grenier! They won't stand for that, but Austin wants to know what they're going to do about it. Saying something in French, that's what!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So Orton is going to face Foley in a singles match. Like the one they should have had last night? And did anybody actually miss Sylvan Grenier? And since when are pets banned in WWE? Where was Austin in the 80s when we had bulldogs and birds and snakes at ringside?
And am I going to say anything positive about this segment? Um...no, I don't think so.
Segment 5
Val Venis (w/a blonde) is in the ring, and he has chosen one of the many Garden State hotties to make her dreams come true. She's moving to Hawaii? No, she's just removing Val's towel. And she doesn't exactly sound enthralled. This is soooooooooooo 2002. She has his towel, so she wants to give him her shirt...and before we get the goods, here comes Kane.
Val Venis vs. Kane
A big boot before the bell. Corner whip, clothesline. Side slam. Flying clothesline as the crowd chants for The Undertaker. Choke slam, pin at 43 seconds. That's a complete play-by-play there. DUD
Highlights from the WWE Hall of Fame induction ceremony.
Stacy Keibler vs. Jackie Gayda is next!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, Kane needed the easy win after last night, but again, why not use Test since he isn't doing anything of note right now? By the way, why the hell didn't Pete Rose cost Kane the match last night? Probably to avoid giving Taker heel heat, but dammit, I wanted Pete to finally get his revenge! Hell, you're already paying him to be there, and it sure would have helped Kane more than the clean job did.
Segment 6
Thank you for joining us at WrestleMania XX.
One fall: Miss Jackie vs. My Future Wife
I'm guessing this is because Jackie wasn't all that willing to get naked before she got pinned last night. Jackie takes offense to Stacy showing off her ass and shoves her to the floor. The bell rings once they both get back in the ring. Leg lariat by Stacy. Boot choke. Stop counting, Hebner! Hair Beell. Jackie with a knee to the gut. Snap mare into a reverse chinlock. "We want puppies" chant...and out comes Mr. McAsshole in the middle of a Stacy Keibler segment! Normally I'd be glad for the end of this garbage, but it's Stacy Keibler, dammit! The ring clears, making an apparent no contest at 1:25. DUD He's got "a little something on my mind that I want to get off." Where it all begins again is not just the theme for WrestleMania XX. It's the motto for WWE. Things need to be shaken up. General managers have become too protective of certain people who kiss their asses, so we're getting what we want. "You want new superstars, you want new matches, you want new rivalries, and by God, you're going to get them!" Next week, the SmackDown superstars are going to Raw for a lottery, and no matter who you are ("even if you're in my own family"...hopefully a shot at Hunter, but likely foreshadowing to Stephanie's return), your name's going into it. The crowd's popping for it, but forgive me for being hesitant here.
Your hosts put over the potential for groups like Evolution to be split up.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Honestly, this does seem like a good idea in theory right now, but I worry that the logistics are going to end up killing the product. Think of the draft from two years ago. Most of the regular tag teams were broken up, and we're only just now starting to get some stablity into both tag team divisions. Not to mention that the titles are evenly split after it took a year to get those stablized to any extent, so who knows how the title picture will look after next week. This could work better than it did two years ago since they had a chance to learn from their mistakes, but it has to be very smartly done. Forgive me for being leery about it, but the last draft really didn't go very well.
Segment 7
::smile:: Johnny Spade asks about the "draft", and Triple H apparently didn't hear Vince, because Evolution can't be included with it. They simply can't be. Hunter doesn't want to leave Raw without that title. Eric has no choice but to go along with Vince. "Everyone is up for grabs, including Evolution."
One fall for the World Tag Team Championship: The Dudley Boyz vs. Booker T and Rob.....Van.....Dam (champions)
Lawler questions whether the titles would be vacated if the champs were split up next week, and JR says it could hold true for Benoit too. Oh fuck, no... And where to the OVW guys fit into this? Booker and Bubba Ray start. Extended lockup. Side headlock by Bubba. Shoulderblock. Booker goes for a leapfrog, but Bubba slams him down and covers for 2. I don't think that's what they were going for. Corner whip, but Bubba runs into an elbow. Clothesline by Booker. RVD and D-Von are both tagged in. Kicks and forearms by RVD, and D-Von comes back. D-Von runs into a boot, and RVD gets a bodyscissors cradle for 2. Clothesline by D-Von. Tag to Bubba, and a double shoulderblock gets a near fall. Armbar with a chinlock. RVD with some punches and a spinning dropkick. Tag to Booker T. Trading punches. Bubba with a corner whip and a shoulderblock. Tag to RVD, and he jumps off the top rope onto Bubba. Series of punches and a dropkick for 2. Tag to Booker T. Suplex reversal spot, with Bubba getting the advantage. Spear, and both men are down. D-Von tags in and gets a flying elbowsmash. Reverse neckbreaker for 2. Corner whip and a flying clothesline, and RVD has to make the save. RVD and Bubba fight on the floor. Booker goes for the Scissors Kick but runs into the Dudley Death Drop. RVD barely makes the save. RVD tags in and quickly covers D-Von for a near fall. RVD tries to go up top, but D-Von takes him off the turnbuckle with a reverse neckbreaker. RVD is sent to the floor...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Oh God, please end this match right now. I like all four of these guys, I really do, but their styles simply aren't meshing worth a damn here. And it's not helping that Lawler and JR are talking more about next week's lottery than they are about the actual match.
Segment 8
We are live and back as D-Von has a headlock on RVD. Spinning heel kick by RVD. Tag to Bubba, but Booker is down on the floor, so RVD's in the corner and can't make the tag. Bubba with a hiptoss into a DDT for a near fall. Crossface blows, and Bubba works over RVD's neck. D-Von in. Snap mare into a chinlock. Elbow to the back of the head, and a cover, and Booker is finally able to make the save. RVD has a bit of blood coming from the mouth as D-Von simply punches away. Bubba tags in, and he trash talks RVD as he continues to beat on him. Chinlock, and Bubba pulls at RVD's mouth. Ouch. RVD elbows out of it, but Bubba levels RVD with a clothesline. Tell me there's a 20-minute time limit. RVD misses an enzuigiri but gets a spinning back kick, and finally he makes the hot tag. Flying forearm by Booker. Clothesline. D-Von in illegally, and Booker works him over to. Sidewalk slam to D-Von. SPINNAROONIE TONY! Leg lariat to Bubba for 2. Scissors Kick, RVD with Five Star Frog Splash, and D-Von barely makes the save. RVD with a flying headscissors to D-Von to send them both over the top rope. The legal men trade blows in the center of the ring. Bubba Bomb is blocked, but the Book End isn't, and Booker pins Bubba with it at 18:10. Long, but way too sloppy early. *1/4
Highlights from WrestleMania XX.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, that certainly didn't give anybody the argument that the Dudley Boyz have to be kept together after next week. Unless you remind them that their respective singles pushes both sucked hard two years ago. This match just never seemed to get on track, with a bunch of sloppy work early keeping the crowd almost completely out of it. And the crowd wasn't really into it anyway, as they didn't seem to have any idea who they wanted to cheer for, so they chose near silence instead. I appreciate the effort, but this simply didn't click.
Segment 9
"Step Up" by Drowning Pool ended up being WrestleMania's theme song, and some Australian fans not only made the WrestleMania trip, but made a weekend out of it and made the trip to Raw.
L'il Spike Dudley makes his way to the ring, but he is jumped from behind by Christian and Trish the Bitch. They celebrate after the beatdown, and I'm begging for them to let Spike wrestle on Raw without getting his ass kicked one of these weeks. Christian tells Spike "wrong place wrong time", then says Trish wants to get something off her chest. Hopefully that tank top, but I know better. Don't judge Trish, because Jericho's the one who made that bet over one Canadian dollar. "What kind of a cheap slut do you think I am?" Doesn't Jericho find it ironic that Jericho spent all that time trying to screw her, but in the end she screwed Jericho, or rather screwed someone else. And they bleeped "screwed" every time. Christian then says he's not a creepy little bastard because he got the girl. Um...did they actually let "bastard" go through when "screwed" didn't? But Jericho got too soft, because she didn't want someone who followed her around with flowers. She wanted a man. He can't get no Stratusfaction. And they make out. Why do the pretty ones always end up with the complete assholes?
La Resistance is bitching about not only the ticket, but the fact that they could be split up again after just a week of being back together. Rene Dupree's going to the ring to confront Austin while Grenier and Rob Conway stay in the back with Fifi.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Did Trish Stratus forget that it was Christian who suggested the bet with Jericho in the first place? Other than that, I honestly don't care. I guess I'm supposed to have sympathy for Jericho, but unless he's getting to kick Christian's ass then I really don't care.
Segment 10
Stills of Brock-Goldberg, which I honestly don't believe they're acknowledging. It's just the aftermath, granted.
Rene Dupree is making his way to the ring. Please make this short. It seems that Austin has a mistaken perception that the French are cowards and sissies. Which is why I saw a French rifle at a gun show that had never been fired. Of course, Dupree didn't want to go to war and get shot "for you American pieces of crap". He says some stuff in French, and out comes Austin on his ATV. And he immediately goes to work on Dupree. Kicks in the corner. Turnbuckle smash and a series of punches as the crowd chants "USA". Choke against the ropes. Knee to the midsection. Stunner! Thank God. Give that man about 50 beers so the mat's nice and slippery for the main event.
Next week, the draft lottery.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So the entire point of this segment was to put Austin over. I could understand it at WrestleMania since Goldberg and Brock were both leaving anyway, but what's the point of doing it now? And if you had to go with it, could he at least have done it to Grenier? Since Dupree actually has some charisma and a little bit of talent, when Grenier has neither.
Segment 11
Mr. Walking Tall takes us behind the scenes of Walking Tall. Way to pretend he's sticking around.
3 vs. 2 Handicap Match scheduled for one fall: The Holy Bible Kid and Chris BenOIT (World Heavyweight Champion) vs. The Man WHOO!, Batista, and Randy Orton (WWE Intercontinental Champion--w/Hungry Hungry Hippos)
Did Lilian try to claim Benoit was from "Atlanta, Georgia"? You'd think after five years on the job she'd get it right. Combine that with damn near forgetting to say "version one" after "Matt Hardy" earlier, and she's having an awful night. Benoit points at the nameplate on the belt to get under HHH's skin. Batista and Michaels start. Lockup, Batista with a throw down. And again. Into the corner, and Batista with shoulderblocks. Corner whip, clothesline. Tag to Flair. Shoulderblock by HBK. And a slap by HBK. Chops by Flair, and HBK returns the favor. Backdrop. Tag to Benoit. Flair goes to the eyes. Chops by Flair, and Benoit returning the favor. Flair with the header, and there's still no one who falls forward quite like the Nature Boy. Flair with a chop to knock Benoit down. Tag to Orton, who goes to the ribs. Whip, reversal, forearm by Benoit. Tag to Michaels, who whips Orton but gets caught with a unique backbreaker. Cover by Orton for 2 as Mick F'N Foley arrives, and Orton sees it over the Titantron. Michaels goes after Orton as the referee goes down, and we've got a five man brawl in the middle of the ring. Out comes Foley, and goes right for Orton. He battles Orton out to the floor and simply starts taking it to him. They brawl through the crowd as Michaels and Flair battle in the ring. Bodyslam by Flair, and he goes up top...flying elbowdrop! Tuning up the band...but Hunter's taken off the sling, and he runs in for the Pedigree. And he favors the arm again...um... Out comes Earl Hebner to make the count for the still out cold Mike Chioda, but he can only get two. Chop by Flair, and he goes up top...that never works, and tonight is no exception. Flair tags Batista. Powerslam for 2. Sidewalk slam for 2. Reverse chinlock. All that brawling, and *now* we get wrestling out of it. Michaels with punches and chops, but an elbow by Batista gets 2. Flair tags back in. Snap mare. Kneedrop and a series of punches. Facebite. Flair distracts Hebner as Hunter gets a right hand in. Batista tags in and rams HBK's head repeatedly into the turnbuckle. Flair back in, but Michaels avoids a back suplex and gets a roll up for 2. Both men go down. Tag to Batista, hot tag by a bloody HBK to Benoit, and Benoit works over both men. Rolling Germans to Batista. Cut throat gesture, diving headbutt for 2. Some shots for Flair, and Hunter's in for a Pedigree...but HBK levels HHH with Sweet Chin Music. Batista goes for the sitout power bomb, but Benoit counters into a sharpshooter. HBK superkicks Flair out of the picture, and Batista taps out at 11:49. Get rid of the midmatch brawl and this was pretty good. Keep it and it's about **1/2.
END OF SHOW
A solid main event to finish off the show, with everybody getting to look pretty good as we end the evening. It was just silly to have a ref bump and that much action barely halfway into the match only to continue the action for another six minutes or so, but what happened after that was the solid formulaic tag team match that we're all used to but almost always seems to work. Shawn protects his investment, as he said he would, Benoit gets yet another submission victory...hard to find fault with this one.
Overall, a decent show with some good (the opening interview and the main event), some bad (the Austin segment and the Stacy-Jackie match while it lasted), and a whole lot of in between. The problem is they started building to a lot of different things. A lot of different things that coule be rendered meaningless after next week's lottery.
You know I love the feedback, so send it my way. I am a couple of days behind on my e-mail, so be patient if you're awaiting a response.
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