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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (4/8/2004)
Posted by Jared "JHawk"Hawkins on Apr 8, 2004, 21:31
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (4/8/2004)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Two quick notes before we get to business tonight.
First off, there's a good chance of recaps being late and/or nonexistent next week, as I have tickets to Indians games on Monday and Thursday. Now, the game Monday starts at 3:05, so that shouldn't be a problem, but considering the Indians and Twins have already played two extra inning games this week, it's possible that I'll be running late with it. I can guarantee SmackDown will be late (probably being posted Friday night at the earliest) because the Thursday game is a night game.
And the second note is a cheap plug for the TSM Mat Madness II tournament in the Forums. Voting in the round of 32 ends Sunday night.
E-Mail of the Week: Just for a bit of variety, I'm going with a first time writer, Vic Ciervo.
I know you can't stand the evil GM, neither can I. But what has become worse and worse as the weeks go by is the heel annoucer. Jerry Lawler has become such a joke as a commentator it isn't funny. He is out and out rooting for the heel, especially Evolution, every match that I can't even listen to the broadcast. His time is so past that they really need to look into either a replacement or a third announcer for some balance between Lawler the heel and JR the face suck-up. The broacast booth from WCW with Tenay, Sciavone, and Madden was so much better than what WWE has now and shows that three guys can have balance and get enough mic time. WWE is sending Tazz on this same path, at a time when I thought he was the best announcer they had going. People are smart enough to know what wrestlers are heels and faces that they do not have to have an over the top heel announcer to tell us HHH is a bad guy. Let the people have some free thought on the issue, they may be surprised at what happens. Good columns by you.
I wouldn't actually care if Lawler was a heel announcer or not if he'd actually pick one and stick with it for more than a couple of weeks. But praise for something WCW did? After 1997? That's gotta be a first.
Forums Quote of the Week: I've seen whores do less whoring than this -The Czech Republic, on Anglesault doing play-by-play of a classic Yankee game
Tonight: Five men are vying for the Kurt Angle Great American Award, and the winner becomes the number one contender to Eddy Guerrero's WWE Championship. And the fans voted, so it should be John Cena...unless the voting was rigged, in which case it will go to John Bradshaw Layfield...even though Booker T is probably the most deserving guy out of the five...and Charlie Haas could provide the best match...and The Big Show is probably the most credible in the eyes of Joe Everyfan. Kinda makes your head hurt just thinking about it, doesn't it?
Segment 1
Last Thursday, we determined five nominees for the Kurt Angle Great American Award. The one we focus on is Bradshaw. You do the math.
Taped 4/6/2004 from the SBC Center in San Antonio, Texas. Michael Cole and Tazz are at ringside, and tonight, Rob Van Dam and Booker T team up against The Big Show and Charlie Haas!
But first, it's John Bradshaw Layfield making his way to the ring. His driver buffs out the limo as he reaches the ring. Bradshaw's glad the people are here today. The booing is why Bradshaw left Texas for New York City. "Southern ignorance", he called it. And tonight is a great day for JBL, as he'll be the recipient of the Great American Award. Who better to represent America? And he guarantees to show us he's worthy. Last week on SmackDown, Eddy Guerrero desecrated his cowboy hat and therefore is not a great American. "You're cheering a man who committed a crime." Didn't Bradshaw vote for George W. Bush? Didn't some people think Bush stole the election? Hmm... Anyway, that was an expensive hat for most people, but with a little work, these people can achieve success too. So the thousand dollars he lost is nothing. He'll spend it on custom suits, "escorts", and his prized possession, his limo. He asks who wants to win a thousand dollars. All he has to do finish waxing the hood of the limo in 60 seconds. This is old school Ted DiBiase, and I gotta admit I like it. He picks a "fan" who looks vaguely familiar. "Come on and cross over that guardrail. I'm sure you're used to crossing borders." The fan's name is Enrique, but Bradshaw calls him Ricky since we're in the United States. They go to the limo, and Bradshaw asks for a clock to show up on the Ovaltron. With 15 seconds left, Bradshaw adds a little wax to it, so of course, Ricky can't succeed. It was just a mishap, and sometimes mishaps define you. Just work harder and smarter, and you're cool. Bradshaw calls it a half-assed job, and people just can't expect a handout for shoddy workmanship.
Your hosts discuss what we just saw and go over the nominees.
Up next, The Dudley Boyz vs. Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I have to admit that I marked out a bit for the old school Ted DiBiase "try to take my money" angle, but other than that this was nothing we hadn't already heard from Bradshaw before. Did we really need this to last like 12 minutes? I'd have lost ratings in Total Extreme Warfare if I booked that one.
Segment 2
Non-Title Contest scheduled for one fall: The Dudley Boyz vs. Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty (WWE Tag Team Champions)
D-Von and Rikishi start. Rikishi backs D-Von into the corner, and we get a clean break. Some trash talking, and we're already throwing punches. D-Von off the ropes, but Rikishi points his ass at him to stop him from running toward him. In comes Scotty, and he knocks D-Von down and gets a quick 2. D-Von gets the advantage and tags in Bubba, who gets a neckbreaker for 2. Elbowdrops. Punch to the face. Enzuigiri by Scotty, and Rikishi tags in. A series of punches to both Dudleys, and a clothesline to Bubba. Over the top rope goes D-Von, then it's Bubba meeting an ass splash and a belly-to-belly suplex. D-Von stops the pinfall. Scotty tags in as Rikishi clotheslines both Dudleys. Spinning leg lariat for 2. Corner whip as D-Von and Rikishi fight outside. Bulldog, Worm, but D-Von prevents the chop, and the 3D gets the win at 4:28. 1/2*
Charlie Haas tells My Olympic Hero that he's a great American and better than Shelton Benjamin. I mean, he beat Triple H, but Haas was ahead on points last week and...he grabs Angle, who immediately protests. Haas is teaming with The Big Show tonight and that will go a long way to determining the award winner. Haas says he'll prove he deserves it, but The Too Damn Big Show enters and claims he'll be the one winning the award.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So The Dudleys get a not-very-surprising victory and are essentially the top contenders. My problem with that one is that this match wasn't very good, and I sure as hell didn't enjoy it enough to want to see it again. And just wait, because you'll probably get it at Judgment Day anyway.
Segment 3
Rico and Miss Jackie get a hype package to hype their appearance next week.
One fall for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Chavito Guerrero (champion--w/Chavo Guerrero Sr.) vs. Jamie By God Noble
A lockup that leads to some rolling around, and into a chain wrestling sequence, ending with Chavito getting a snap mare. Lockup into the corner, and an exchange of shoves. Chavo begins pounding at Noble with forearms, but Noble gets a hiptoss and a bodyslam. Backbreaker for 2. Chavo Sr. grabs Noble's leg, but Noble still backdrops Chavito over the top rope and dives out after him. Chavo Sr. distracts Noble, and Chavo Jr. uses a dropkick to take advantage. Back into the ring, and Chavito uses kicks and forearms to keep Noble at bay. European uppercut for 2. Upside down, seemingly for a Vertebreaker, but Noble gets out of it and takes Chavito down with a neckbreaker. Flying legdrop for 2. Chavo counters the tiger driver with a backdrop, but Noble rolls through into a sunset flip for 2. Noble in control, but Chavo counters a Victory roll and grabs the ropes for the pin at 3:50. That's the best chance we had of a kickass match tonight, and it was too short to mean anything. *1/2
Tonight in San Antonio, we name a top contender.
Theodore R. Long talks to Orlando Jordan and L'il Spike Dudley about his new protege. He hands cards to Jordan and Shannon Moore, but not to Spike. Spike interrupts, and says while he has a bad body and isn't exactly handsome, he can beat Long up, so he issues a challenge. Long declines, so Spike tells him he's scared. "OK, I'll play Whitey's game." Long accepts the challenge and says if there's anybody he can beat, "It's you, cracka!"
Rob.........Van.........Dam tells Booker T that his attitude isn't like the Booker T he knew, and Booker says it's not since he's on SmackDown. RVD tells him they'll just take the titles and get their respect, but Booker reminds RVD that he was screwed of the decision last week. RVD says there's no one he'd rather team with, so he's got Booker's back. Booker says RVD doesn't get it, but they'll take the belts anyway.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Oh my God. We cut a cruiserweight title match to under four minutes just to make sure that Teddy Long vs. Spike Dudley made the show? Does anybody want to see this match? Anybody? Didn't think so. As far as RVD and Booker T goes, I'm expecting Booker to turn on RVD tonight, even though the main reason Booker was upset the night of the draft lottery was because he couldn't team with RVD. They forgot that already, didn't they?
Segment 4
Tickets for Judgment Day go on sale Saturday at 10am.
One fall: Danny Basham (w/Doug Basham) vs. John Cena Th.D. (WWE United States Champion)
I assume it's non-title, but nobody said anything one way or the other. Angle takes notes as Cena begins his freestyle. He's going to win the Great American Award, yessir. He gets bleeped saying something about Rene Dupree's dog (I'm assuming "bitch"), then goes on to insult the Bashams and the other nominees. Belltime (thank God), and we actually get some chain wrestling to start. Basham punches out of a headlock and goes to an arm wringer. Armbar. Cena with a whip and an elbow for 2. Thumb to the eye, but Doug quickly switches with Danny. Cena saw it even after the thumb to the eye and gets the right man in himself. Doug interferes, allowing Danny to attack from behind. Kicks and stomps. Danny tries for a sunset flip, and Doug tries to add the clothesline to make sure he goes over, but Cena knocks Doug down and goes after Danny. Throwback, Five Knuckle Shuffle, F-U, pin at 2:54. Same finish every week, with only the match time changing. 3/4* Angle's still taking notes.
Up next, Haas and Show vs. RVD and Booker T.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
You know, the more I watch John Cena, the less impressed I am with him. Sure, he's insanely over, but his matches have been repetitive for months now, and his raps have become cliche and stale. "I'm gonna kick ass, you're gay, choke on this." Get some new material already! If he was wrestling awesome matches every week to compensate, that'd be one thing, but these three minutes specials aren't improving my opinion of him.
Segment 5
If you weren't sick of Walking Tall hype yet, here's some more.
Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Rob.........Van.........Dam and Booker T vs. Charlie Haas and The Too Damn Big Show
Haas and RVD start. Haas with a quick forearm to the back. Chain wrestling sequence. RVD with a shoulderblock. Series of missed moves, and Haas gets in a hard punch. Haas runs into a spinning leg lariat for 2. Rollup for 2. Haas regains control and slams RVD's face into Big Show's boot. Show with some hard shots and a "cover" that looked like a chokehold for 2. Tag to Haas, who sends RVD into the turnbuckle. Elbow and a springboard back kick by RVD. RVD goes for the tag, but Booker has left the corner to badmouth Big Show, and Haas takes RVD down with an Exploder suplex to regain control. Show tags in and press slams RVD. And he walks on RVD's chest. Ouch. Tag to Haas, who focuses on RVD's ribs. RVD comes back with the spinning heel kick and goes for the tag, but Booker T decides to walk away instead. RVD shoots the Look of Death, and Haas attacks from behind. Side bearhug by RVD as Booker has made his way to the back. RVD forearms out of it and gets in a spinning leg lariat. RVD tries to tag, but no Booker. Punches and another spinning leg lariat, and the Rolling Thunder for the world's longest two count. Seriously, Nick Patrick paused for like two seconds at the top of that count. Legdrop for Haas, a shot for Big Show to knock him off the apron, and the Five Star Frog Splash to Haas. RVD with a delayed cover...long enough that Show comes in with the Choke Slam, enabling Haas to get the pin at 6:42. * Haas celebrates, but Big Show just eyes him until they leave the ring.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Wow, big surprise there, huh? Like you didn't see that coming! The match was OK, but certainly nothing spectacular. The ensuing RVD-Booker T match could be entertaining as hell, unlike just about everything we've seen on this show so far.
Segment 6
Moments ago, Booker T walked out on Rob Van Dam, which led to defeat. How American, huh?
Angle tells RVD that he had no idea that was going to happen. The Booker-RVD match is made for next week.
One fall: Rene Dupree (w/Fifi) vs. Orlando Jordan
Dupree immediately gets a kick in, pounds away at Jordan, and tosses Orlando to the floor. Back into the ring, and Dupree continues the onslaught. Jordan get a rollup in for 2, but he runs into a spinebuster. Elbowdrop. Sitout bodyslam for the pin at 1:12. Welcome to 1987 and WWF Superstars of Wrestling. DUD
Teddy Long shadow boxes. Put a shirt on, Teddy!
And we crown the Great American Award winner tonight!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Wow. And here I thought the days of squash matches ended with the Attitude era. I guess we're using the old school idea of "have a string of easy victories to establish a competitor before setting up a feud", and I'm all for that...but not when we're still trying to pass off a show like this as being a lot better than what it is.
Segment 7
Kurt Angle asks a technician to bring him Eddy Guerrero.
Your hosts discuss the fan voting for the Great American Award winner, and as predicted, John Cena got more votes than the other four nominees combined. Now it's time for the Raw Rebound.
Angle tells a couple of guys to prepare the trophy for the presentation as Eddy Guerrero comes in to say how great it looks. "What kind of eagle is this? Is this a....bald eagle?" Angle orders the trophy out of the room, and Angle tells Eddy what he was brought in here for. Eddy loves to defend the title on SmackDown, and the fans love seeing him enter the arena on his Lowrider...and it's not happening tonight. Nothing personal, just business. The trophy will be presented in the ring, and Eddy has the night off. Eddy slowly leaves Angle's office.
Spike Dudley heads to the ring...put your shirt on!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Does Eddy Guerrero's night off mean the trophy will leave the ring intact? Probably not, since I'll be very surprised if Eddy actually leaves the building. This segment built a bit on the tension between Eddy and Angle, but it was mostly just an excuse to put Eddy on TV and keep the live crowd happy.
Segment 8
One fall: Theodore R. Long vs. L'il Spike Dudley
I hope this gets the Dupree-Jordan treatment. Long even has a protective helmet on like amateur boxers wear. Long grabs the mic and tells Spike he needs a warmup match before he faces the wrath of Teddy Long.
One fall: L'il Spike Dudley vs. Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli
Spike goes to work right away, but Stamboli uses his weight to his advantage. High throw into the air and a cover, but Spike is in the ropes. Right hand. Back suplex for 2. Bearhug. Dudley with a series of punches, but Stamboli rams him into the corner. Spike goes for a suplex and avoids Stamboli's attempted punch counter. Stamboli charges but meets the ringpost instead, and Dudley hits the Dudley Dawg for the pin at 2:05. 1/2*
Long goes to put some boxing gloves on, and Mark Jindrak attacks from behind...and takes Spike down with a combination back suplex/Rock Bottom. Long does some stomping...then hugs Jindrak. I think we've found Long's new protege.
We crowd the award winner next!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, at least it was better than what Spike vs. Long would have been, but it really isn't saying much. The rumors are true: Teddy Long is now managing Mark Jindrak. And it could help Jindrak's career, as Long can do all the talking for him, and even Mark Henry was getting somewhat over with Teddy Long in his corner. But didn't Spike just pin the Cruiserweight Champion last week? Why is he apparently preparing to feud with Mark Jindrak?
Segment 9
Moments ago, Mark Jindrak saved Teddy Long, bele'e that.
Next week in Indianapolis, Rob Van Dam meets Booker T.
And here comes Kurt Angle to the ring, and once again the trophy beat him to the ring. This is the moment we've all been waiting for. The journey to find a great American began last week, and the field was narrowed down to five. And they're all going to be introduced. First is John Cena, followed by Charlie Haas, Booker T, The Big Show, and John Bradshaw Layfield, respectively.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
What am I supposed to say? A nice touch to allow the nominees to come to the ring, but nothing has actually happened yet.
Segment 10
The crowd chants for Cena. Everyone is filled with anticipation as to who will win the award and be named number one contender. Cena won the fan vote by a landslide. Therefore, the award goes to...Bradshaw interrupts because he guaranteed he'd show he deserved the award, so he asks for a video to be shown. He's on the American side of the Mexican border. Mexicans cross the border here and take advantage of our health care and welfare system and send the money to Mexico. Um...what health care system? Long story short, our taxes are so high because of illegal Mexican immigrants. He finds some Mexicans and kicks their asses back over the border. Literally. That impresses Angle enough to award Bradshaw the top contenders' spot...yes, the guy who hasn't wrestled a singles match since the draft lottery. Way to make all those matches mean something. It's time to present him the award, but Eddy apparently stole the real award, as it was replaced by one with Eddy Guerrero's picture on it. Bradshaw calls for Eddy, as does Angle, and you knew damn well he wasn't leaving the building even with the night off. Eddy drives in, using the real trophy as a hood ornament. Bradshaw begs for the trophy, and Angle threatens to strip Eddy of the title if he doesn't return the trophy. Eddy claims he found it in the parking lot. Eddy enters the ring and puts the trophy down as the crowd chants his name. Bradshaw can be proud of that beautiful trophy with the beautiful eagle on top, and he "accidentally" snaps the wing of the eagle. Then he hits Bradshaw in the ribs with the trophy. Eddy holds Angle and Bradshaw at bay by holding the trophy, then brings a chair into the ring. Angle warns Eddy not to do it...but Eddy destroys the trophy anyway. Well, the trophy last one week, one hour, and 59 minutes, which has to be a WWE record.
END OF SHOW
OK, so what exactly did Bradshaw do to deserve a shot at the WWE Championship? According to WWE, he sent some of those damn Mexicans back across the border where they came from. Which, of course, overrides winning wrestling matches and having actual in-ring talent when it comes to making it to main events. (And I use "damn Mexicans" as sarcasm, so please don't send angry letters).
Overall, I can sum this show up in one word: Boring. About the one saving grace was the Cruiserweight Championship match. I mean, this was a lot like Raw in that there were a lot of short matches, but you didn't have the awesome promos to help counteract the complete crap. This was just bad wrestling, bad promos, and barely enough good to put onto the SmackDown Rebound. Give Raw the nod this week simply because they let Mick Foley talk.
And give TSM the nod this week for letting you talk by sending the feedback to the usual address.
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