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TNA
SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (6/17/2004)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Jun 17, 2004, 21:29
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (6/17/2004)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
E-Mail of the Week: Robert Schuschu asks some pertinent questions.
You know let's review, Test was punished and pulled out of a pay per view match a number of months back because he got snowed in and couldn't make it to Raw. John Bradshaw Layfield ignites and International Incident and gets a title shot at the Great American Bash? What the hell is wrong with this picture? If Bradshaw makes it to the pay per view, even remote references to Hitler are forbidden in Germany and who knows if he may face charges over this incident. Let me ask this Hawk if bradshaw does have to go back to Germany to face charges over this incident how is that going to go over in WWE? Plus if he has to miss the Great American Bash over this How does WWE explain this one as they haven't done much to acknowledge the incident? Getting to Smackdown I'd like to know who the hell Scotty 2 Hotty pissed off to deserve this? First Mordecai and now Suzuki. Plus where has Rikishi been? I also like to ask If bradshaw can't make it to the bash do you see John Cena getting the shot at Guerrero? Also one more thing Hawk if you haven't seen it yet make sure you watch the WWE Hall of Fame induction DVD. It is off the hook especially Bobby Heenan's speech.
A few things. Number one: Bobby Heenan is the fucking man. Enough said. Two, I don't care where Rikishi is or who Scotty 2 Hotty pissed off to become SmackDown's sacrificial lamb. I'm just glad Rikishi's off my TV and the Worm is no longer a guaranteed victory. And three, I would love to know what the difference is between Bradshaw and the rest of the roster. Robert mentioned the Test fiasco from last year, and you could even use the more recent Grand Master Sexay and Chavo Guerrero Sr. situations. One or two no-shows: automatic termination. Causing an international incident and nearly causing a riot: A slap on the wrist and the comment of "Don't do that no more."
Tonight: Time Warner Digital Cable tells us that Paul Heyman will threaten The Undertaker with Paul Bearer's life, and the world still won't care. Plus I'd be willing to bet we're getting at least one title change tonight. And I damn well guarantee that nothing on this show will top that CM Punk-Samoa Joe match I saw in Dayton on Saturday night, and that's acknowledging that some people are going to overrate that match based on the fact they were actually there.
Segment 1
Taped 6/15/2004 from the Allstate Arena in Rosemont, IL! Michael Cole and Tazz at ringside as Rob Van Dam and John Cena take on Booker T and Rene Dupree. Bradshaw will discuss the worst week of his life. And Chavo Classic defends Cruiserweight gold against Rey Misterio Jr. And a cement mixer is in the arena as the sound on my TV sucks ass right now!
One fall for the WWE Tag Team Championship: The Dudley Boyz vs. Rico and Charlie Haas (champions--w/Miss Jackie)
OK, make that two title changes as my sound clear itself up. Haas goes halfway up the runway this week but thinks better of it. D-Von and Haas start. Haas with amateur style wrestling into a cradle for 2. D-Von goes into brawling mode early. Corner whip, but Haas uses wrestling to regain control. Bubba pulls down the top rope, and Haas tumbles to the floor. Bubba tosses Haas into the announce table and rolls him back in the ring. Turnbuckle smash by D-Von. A series of punches. Tag to Bubba, and some double teaming in the corner. Bubba blocks a sunset flip with some right hands, and a series of elbowdrops gets 2. Tag to D-Von, who snap mares Haas and locks in a chinlock. Haas comes back with an exploder suplex. Tag to Bubba, and the hot tag to Rico. Rico with moves for both men. A Shouldertackle to Bubba and a cover, but Charles Robinson is distracted by D-Von and can't count. D-Von works Rico over on the floor and rolls him back into Bubba Ray. Rico tries a comeback, but he's favoring his knee. Vertical suplex by Bubba. Bubba grabs Jackie, and Haas tries to stop it but accidentally hits Jackie. Bubba trips up Rico and uses the ropes for leverage (with D-Von holding a leg for leverage) to get the title changing pin at 5:03. 3/4* That has to be the most boring finish to a match since...well, last week's SmackDown.
John Bradshaw Layfield addresses his firing from CNBC later tonight.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Obviously I'm not surprised at the result, although I would have expected the champions to put forth some sort of effort before dropping the match. This basically became a glorified squash before it was all over, and I'd like to think that most fans would rather have competitive title matches, particularly since they'd been building up the Rico-Haas team fairly well considering the contrasting styles and gimmicks. Now it's back to the "old reliable" with the Dudleys holding the straps, and the live crowd seemed totally apathetic to the entire thing.
Segment 2
Moments ago, new champions were crowned.
Paul E. Heyman has joined us at the top of the aisle. Be happy you witnessed history, because Paul Bearer is in protective custody and not only missed the title change, but he hasn't seen The Undertaker accept Paul Heyman's offer yet either. Heyman controls Bearer and thus controls The Undertaker's conscience. Taker should be under his control based on Heyman's greatness, but his weakness is Paul Bearer, so even the big dog needs trained. The Undertaker will take on The Dudley Boyz in a handicap match at the Great American Bash. And he'll do the right thing, or it's "live free or die". This coffin that we just happen to have right here represents a crypt that will be at the Bash, and inside that crypt will be Paul Bearer. There will also be a cement truck. And if Taker doesn't do the right thing...let's just say I didn't know the Italians had too many Jews working for them. You've heard of cement shoes? This is a cement casket. But this is just the demo. The actual crypt will be tall and made of three inch thick glass. That way we can see in but no one can bust Bearer out. Who is running the cement truck, the FBI? But the cement will stop at his neck so Heyman can see Taker's reaction. And if Taker still doesn't do the right thing...you get the picture. But that's in 10 days. Tonight will be a demonstration. See, Taker will bow at Heyman's feet tonight.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
OK, this idea is completely gay. Totally gay. Mind-numbingly gay. I mean, this is Rico saying "My character isn't even that gay" gay. This is stupid. "Watch the PPV because somebody might suffocate to death!" Or watch a rerun of the Simpsons and see something that at least has a chance to be entertaining. The choice is yours.
Segment 3
They keep showing clips of news outlets telling us Bradshaw got fired, but they never tell us why he got fired.
Eddy Guerrero makes his way to the ring. Oh yay, more mic time. Eddy flipped in to see Bradshaw's program on CNBC, and he didn't see him once. That's when he found out Bradshaw got fired. And Eddy's been through that, but his week wasn't that bad. He got one hell of a limo ride last week. Here's the video package to prove it. Now, Bradshaw's scheduled to talk later on, but Eddy wants him out here right now. Instead we get The Brothers Basham, who have some unfinished business after cheating to beat Danny a couple of weeks ago. In comes Doug Basham, and apparently it's...
Eddy Guerrero (WWE Champion) vs. Doug Basham (w/Danny Basham)
As we get a brawl, we get told SmackDown won the hispanic demographic last week. Down goes Brian Hebner, and in comes Danny Basham for the double team. Doug with a baseball slide as Danny holds him upside down, and the cover only gets 2. Reverse chinlock. Shots to the back, and Eddy hulks up and punches away. Rolling vertical suplexes. Eddy brings Danny into the ring, and Eddy does the headscissors/armdrag takedown combo. Frog Splash, pin at 2:58. 1/2* Danny immediately attacks from behind, but Eddy gets in the low blow. DDT, Frog Splash, play the champ's music!
John Cena comes into My Olympic Hero's office and taunts the general manager. Angle tells him he'll never be one-upped by Cena, and at the Bash, it's every man for himself. And Cena has to outlast everybody at the Bash, so the US Title match is not just a one fall match, but actually an elimination match. Thank God. Cena claims Angle's a John Cena wannabe, and he gives him a throwback WWE hat to get him started. Cena leaves, and Angle vows that Cena's going to lose the title.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Total filler, and not very entertaining filler at that. I think the video package went as long as the match actually did, and there really wasn't much point to the match aside from loosely tying it in to the match two or three weeks ago. Color me completely unimpressed with this segment, as well as this show so far.
One question: Wouldn't elimination rules give Cena the advantage since he has to be pinned to lose the title? Instead of Cena losing the title if, say, Booker T pins RVD, now Booker can pin Dupree and RVD but get pinned by Cena, and Cena keeps the title.
Segment 4
Why are we hyping the Raw Diva Search when the application deadline is over and it has nothing to do with this show?
Still to come, the cruiserweight title will change ha--um...I mean, the cruiserweight title is on the line.
Josh Mathews and Funaki have a rapoff. Funaki makes a bald joke about Kurt Angle, who just happens to be standing behind him. Apparently it will be Funaki vs. Luther tonight.
Look at the casket. You know you wanna see someone die. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!
One fall: Suzuki Kenzo vs. L'il Spike Dudley
Two matches for Suzuki means he's lasted one match longer than Ernest Miller. Suzuki's geisha girl removes his robe. A quick knee and a series of chops. Double chop to the throat. Delayed vertical suplex for 2. Roundhouse kick, followed by a knee to the head for 2. Armbar. Spike tries to fight back and blocks a suplex, but one shot stops the rally. Spike gets a battering ram in but runs into the goozle, then into the clawhold STO (for lack of a name for it that I can actually spell) for the pin at 2:23. DUD
That tag team main event is still to come, but Bradshaw speaks next!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Wow. I am so unimpressed with Kenzo Suzuki that I am actually giving myself a headache wondering why they hyped this guy so hard for over a month. Out of all the Japanese wrestlers they could have brought in and pushed, and they picked this guy? Well, I wouldn't worry too much about it since he'll be struggling against some indy guy nobody's ever heard of Velocity within six weeks. Or beating Billy Kidman next week. It'll do just as much for his career, at any rate.
Segment 5
John Bradshaw Layfield comes to the ring in a "new" limo to bore the crowd. Most people are quite happy that he had such a bad week. He got fired from CNBC and had his limo totalled. Combine that with Ronald Reagan dying, and people are more concerned with Bradshaw. That's because Reagan's been buried and you're still here. Bradshaw thinks we hate him because he's better than us. No, we hate you because you suck. Oh, sorry. Bradshaw vows to come back and be successful, and he doesn't need anybody. Isn't this the same guy who had Ron Simmons carrying his ass for five years? The media ignored his visit to Afghanistan last year. And the crowd is begging for Eddy Guerrero to end this one. A soldier died in a bar fight, and rather than focus on someone "dying like a hero", the media focused on Sean Penn supporting Saddam Hussein. Umm...forget it, not going there. Bradshaw claims CNBC fired him for being a loudmouth wrestler...and he claims the First Amendment is meaningless when someone actually uses it. Actually, he's got a point there. And he spends pretty much the rest of the interview saying we're lousy Americans because we're not him before claiming he'll become WWE Champion just to shove it down our throats. "This will make Judgment Day look like a cartoon." I thought Judgment Day made Judgment Day look like a cartoon. And it's back to calling us bad Americans before saying he'll destroy himself if it means destroying Eddy Guerrero. The promo's finally over, and Eddy Guerrero is out to attack him and clear the ring.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Bradshaw does make a good point about the First Amendment, because he's not going to like me saying this about him. But Bradshaw needs to learn that we don't like him because we think he sucks. Call me some internet geek if you'd like, Mr. Layfield, but the one time I got entertained by your current gimmick was when you channeled the old "Million Dollar Man" gimmick, and it's been downhill ever since. But hey, the master of cheap heat got booed, so all is well in WWE-land.
Segment 6
One fall for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Rey Misterio Jr. vs. Chavo Classic (champion--w/Chavo Lite)
Classic with a kick, then into some chain wrestling to take Rey down. Arm wringer, then a tilt-a-whirl slam. Chavo Classic up top with a moonsault bodyblock for 2. That's impressive for a man in his 50s. Rey fighting back, and he takes Classic down with a flying headscissors. Seated senton, a shot for Chavo Jr. on the apron, then it's a drop toehold into the ropes, the 6-1-9, and the springboard legdrop for the pin and the title at 1:49. 1/2* Chavo Classic is on his way out, and he still got more offense in than Charlie Haas and Rico did earlier.
Luther Raines is preparing for his in-ring debut. I hope he brought his lucky horseshoe.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, most of you had already heard that Chavo Classic was leaving the company, so very few of you should have been surprised. Maybe now we can actually build up the cruiserweight division into something that the average fan might actually give a rat's ass about.
Segment 7
Mordecai tells us the locker room is full of sinners who aren't worthy of mercy, and they'll all feel his wrath. And one of them is the worst sinner of them all: Eddy Guerrero. How about getting people over before feeding them to Eddy for a change?
One fall: Funaki vs. Luther Reigns (official WWE spelling)
Angle watches from the top of the ramp. Funaki is down with one move, and Luther gets a few crossface blows in. To the floor goes Luther...with a boot to the head as Funaki hangs off the apron. Funaki with a few kicks in a vain attempt come back, but he gets slammed to the mat with one hand. On the shoulder in a powerslam position, then into a sidewalk slam for the pin at 1:23. DUD And Luther can talk! And he says this is what happens when you disrespect Kurt Angle. Luther starts to leave but is stopped by Angle...and Luther uses Test's old "Test Drive" neckbreaker. That would be a better finisher than that slam was.
The Raw Rebound takes us back to the second longest Raw ever...while ignoring the longest Raw match ever just to kiss Triple H's ass.
The huge tag team main event is still to come tonight.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Another debut of some guy who isn't all that impressive beating a guy who doesn't actually get pushed worth a damn. Making new guys look good: Good. Squashing more talented wrestlers to do it: Bad. Hell, there's a reason this guy never got past WCW Saturday Night status back in the day. Hey, I like having him as a muscle guy for Kurt Angle, but I'm annoyed at the blatant misuse of the cruiserweights not named Rey Misterio Jr. on this show.
Segment 8
Taped from Rosemont, Illinois in suburban Chicago.
Earlier tonight, the Cruiserweight Title changed hands. The WWE Tag Team Title changed hands. And that leads us to the Great American Bash in ten days. The Dudley Boyz vs. The Undertaker. John Cena vs. Booker T vs. Rene Dupree vs. Rob Van Dam for the US Title. The bullrope match: Eddy Guerrero vs. John Bradshaw Layfield. That's it so far.
Show me that cement truck, then bring out Torrie Wilson dressed in red, white, and blue and holding a microphone. This can't be good. Apparently we can't be bother putting the cruiserweights in meaningful matches, because the SmackDown divas are gonna host the PPV, by God. Is there a point to that?
Josh Mathews interviews Booker T about the US Title four way at the Bash. He feels he should be the only challenger because he didn't get the full five minutes thanks to a French judge. Rene Dupree comes in and thinks it's a shame that a five time WCW Champion needs to blame his failure on the clock. Booker questions a non-American getting a US Title shot and acknowledges that Dupree got pinned, so Dupree tells him he might be on the receiving end of a French Tickler. The match is next.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
We have less than 20 minutes left for two segments, and we still have an Undertaker segment of top of this tag team match. And to top it all off, we still only have three matches scheduled for a pay-per-view that we're supposed to pay $34.95 for in less than two weeks. You'd have thought that after Judgment Day bombed they would have learned their lesson and actually have the lineup fleshed out ahead of time, but apparently that would require common sense and we're talking about WWE here.
Segment 9
Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Rob........Van........Dam and John Cena (WWE United States Champion) vs. Booker T and Rene Dupree (w/Fifi the Bitch)
Cena and Dupree start. Hard shoulderblock. Hard right hand into a reverse chinlock. Tag to RVD, who sunset flips in for 2. Spinning kick, then the cartwheel moonsault for 2. Dupree blocks a turnbuckle smash and gets one of his own. RVD comes back and covers, and Booker makes the save. Dupree and Booker shove each other, and Dupree stumbles into a rollup for 2. Dupree falls out of the ring, and the heels argue until RVD goes over the top rope onto the opponents.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Good thing RVD likes to fly around the ring, because that's pretty much the only saving grace of this match so far. The tension between Booker and Dupree is fine, but shouldn't the tension be between RVD and Cena after RVD's kick to Cena's face last week?
Segment 10
RVD with another kick to Dupree's face as we return. RVD goes for rolling thunder, but Booker kicks him from behind, leading to a Dupree clothesline. Tag to Booker, who punches away at RVD. A series of stomps. Elbowsmash for 2. Snap mare. Kneedrop. Tag to Dupree. Some brief teamwork, then Dupree with a bodyslam. French Tickler, and an elbowdrop and cover, with Cena making the save. Booker tags in and takes RVD down with a kick and covers for 2. Reverse chinlock. RVD tries to elbow out of it, but a shot to the back stops the comeback. Only briefly, as RVD gets a nice kick in and makes the hot tag to Cena. Backdrop to Dupree, pump up the Reeboks, but Booker's kick prevents the F-U to Dupree. All four men in, and Dupree and Booker both fall to the floor. An argument between RVD and Cena, and they begin to brawl with each other. In come the opponents to take advantage, and since we're running short on time, let's just cue the gong and bring The Undertaker into the ring to cause the no contest at around the 10-minute mark. He goes to choke slam Booker but decides to go after RVD instead. Choke Slam! He stares Cena down now...and down goes the US Champion with a Tombstone. Now give Paul Heyman the look of death as he holds the urn toward you, then salute him. Very good!
END OF SHOW
Wow, thank you for so much for allowing us to pretend we're getting an actual match before completely fucking it up with a meaningless run-in. And yes, that's sarcasm. No rating for this since they can't seem to be bothered to give their main events an actual finish on this show these days. Is a finish really too much to ask for?
Overall, this show sucked with a side order of suck. Was there a point to anything? Were they trying to make me interested in purchasing the Great American Bash? Nope, that can't be it. To give me great wrestling? Nope. To entertain me for two hours? Hell no. The name of the company is World Wrestling Entertainment, and for the last two hours I sat through this boring show with little wrestling and even less entertainment. Technically I could sue for false advertising and probably have a case with a competent lawyer on my side.
But there's always one person who likes these boring shows, so by all means, tell me what could possibly be the fun part of it by e-mailing me here.
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