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Dr. Tom's Smackdown! Report
Posted by Dr. Tom on Jul 18, 2002, 23:19
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WWE SMACKDOWN! 7/18/02
Monday night, Easy Eric Bischoff was named GM of Raw, as well as official producer of all vignettes taped in strip bars. Damn, and that's the gig I was going after. POLITICS~!
On tape from Scranton Wilkes-Dingle-Barre somewhere in PA, this is WWE Smackdown for 7/18/02. Your hosts are Michael Cole and Taz(z).
Opening Match: The Internet Hates Jericho vs John Cena. Look honey, it�s Marc Lloyd playing wait-for-the-limo bitch outside. Nice canned noise for Cena. Jericho slaps Cena before the bell, and gets a rather fierce rebuttal. Cena spinebusters Jericho for 2, but Jericho lowers the ropes and helps the rookie to the outside. He puts the boots to Cena on the floor and rolls him back in. Jericho goes up and comes down with the Please Counter Me Leap, so Cena obliges with a dropkick. German suplex gets 2 for Cena, as does a belly-to-belly. Jericho tries the Walls, but Cena counters and DDTs him for 2. Cena misses a dropkick, and Jericho shows his empathic side by missing a Lionsault. Jericho's such a nice guy; I don't see how all you meanies on the internet can hate him so. Cena rolls him up for 2, and Jericho decides he�s hand enough and lowblows Cena for the DQ at 2:44. Taz remarks that, �This John Cena has got established superstars threatened.� Just ask HHHGH. Jericho gets a chair after the bell and beats the tar out of Cena with it. Three-minute openers don�t impress me much. 2/10
Meanwhile, Lloyd goes limo-chasing, but gets the brushoff from Easy E.
After the break, Bischoff chats with Randy Orton just long enough to get directions to Hollywood Hulk Hogan�s dressing room. They discuss the finer points of killing a promotion and have a generally boring conversation.
The Hurricane vs Chavo Guerrero (Jr). Helms does his superhero duty by offering the handshake, but Chavo just slaps it away. Who does he think he is, Lex Luthor? Helms shoulderblocks his wicked foe and POSES~! Backdrop, and Helms takes to the air with a crossbody for 2. Chavo goes to work on the knee, prompting the ref to check on Helms. Don�t worry, he�s too young and doesn�t take enough steroids to tear a quad. Chavo keeps working on the knee, interrupted only long enough for Helms to get a Shining Wizard and a neckbreaker. Chavo locks in an STF, and Helms taps at 4:12. SUPERHEROES SHOULDN�T TAP! There must have been some Kryptonite involved. After the bell, Chavo gets on the stick and talks trash about the soon-to-debut Rey Misterio Jr, and challenges him to a match next week. I liked the psychology, but what�s it doing in a cruiser match? Give me some highspots, damnit! 4/10
Meanwhile, another limo pulls up, and Lloyd does his bitch duty, but it's 100% Vince instead of the new GM.
After the break, Rico gives style pointers to Bischoff. Just keep up the Baldwin dye job, Eric, and it�s all good. Bischoff bumps into Vince and reveals his nefarious plot to sign away HHH and generally raid the Smackdown roster. Before I kill you, Mr Bond . . .
Earlier today, Cole sat down with The Undertaker, who talked about why he�s the American Badass, how the ring is his yard, and how he�ll still be champion after Sunday.
Tag Match: The Unambiguously Gay Duo vs Hardcore Holly and The Big Valbowski. Billy beats on Holly in the corner. Holly shoulderblocks him down and follows the the Best Dropkick In The Business Not Done By Randy Orton. He does his gut kick thing and clotheslines Billy for 2. Chuck comes in and is greeted by an inverted atomic drop. Val gets to brawling, and after a repetitive elbow/boot exchange, he slams Chuck and drops the knee for 2. Holly comes in and gets a slam, but quickly turns into the face in peril as Billy sneaks in to deliver a stungun. Chuck hits a nice overhead belly-to-belly for 2. Holly suplexes him to set up tags all around, and Val is a house afire. After some chicanery with Rico, Holy plants Billy with the Alabama Slamma, and Val finishes it with a Money Shot at 4:39. Does a Money Shot in this match qualify it as gay porn? Anyway, this was a perfectly acceptable tag match. 4/10
Six-Man Tag Match: Hollywood Hulk Hogan, Edge, and The Real Mr Ass vs Team Canada v2.0. Rikishi brawls with Christian and backdrops him. Storm comes in, only to play Patsy #2 on a double clothesline. Edge comes in with a flying clothesline for 2. He knocks the others off the apron, only to get pulled down by Test a moment later. Storm goes high with a kick for 2. Christian puts the boots to Edge and chokes away, leading to an exciting commercial break. After the break, Edge busies himself getting killed by Test in the corner. Test goes to the chinlocl, cuing the babyface comeback, but he blocks Edge�s tag. Storm pounds on Edge and goes for a springboard clothesline, which Edge turns into a powerslam. There�s the hot tag to Hogan, who cleans house on everyone. A brief Pier Six erupts. Storm superkicks Hogan for 2, but that just causes him to hulk up. Everyone comes in and hits a few signature moves, which sets up Edge hitting the Implant DDT on Storm for the pin at about 6:10 of TV time. Call me crazy, but I like the Edge/Hogan team, because Hogan�s role is so perfect: he stands on the apron while someone more talented actually wrestles, then comes in, pops the crowd with his 80's offense, and picks up the win. It�s a simple formula, and it works. 5/10
Meanwhile, the meeting that about six of you have been eagerly awaiting: Easy E talks to The Rock. Bischoff makes his sales pitch to get Rocky to Raw, and Rock says he�ll be there . . . but only because he�ll be the Undisputed champion as of Sunday. Rock talks about kicking Frasier in the nuts because he can go on ANY show as champ, and Bischoff yuks it up like a good sycophant. Rock ends the merriment by saying that while Bischoff was playing creative genius, he helped put WCW out of business, which draws the icy stares from Easy E.
Vince comes out and complains about backlash against his choice of Raw GM. He then says all contracts are open to negotiation, rather invalidating the purpose of the roster split. How much longer until they give up on it completely, I wonder? For those of you who have lived in a cage since Tuesday night, the new Smackdown GM is none other than Stephanie McMahon. Hair update: straight, so she�s not EVIL~! tonight. Steph cuts a very pro-Smackdown promo, and promises not to wait until Sunday for her first official act. That�ll be tonight, and it�ll be throwing Bischoff out of the building. It�s weird to see Stephanie not dress like a whore and try to cast herself in a face light, for however long that lasts.
Billy Kidman vs Tajiri. Tajiri pounds Kidman, but gets tossed and takes a guillotine. Tajiri stunguns Kidman and heel kicks him. He locks in the Tarantula, then chokes Kidman on the bottom rope. Kidman counters the handspring elbow with a dropkick to the back. Neckbreaker gets 2, but Tajiri kicks Kidman in the head for 2. Tajiri flips thru on a missed moonsault (and I HATE it when they do that), leading to a Kidman powerbomb and the Shooting Star Press at 3:37. Jamie Noble comes in after the bell, and gets beat on until Tajiri zaps Kidman with the GREEN MIST OF FACE MELTING~! Noble then violates one of the known laws of the universe by powerbombing Kidman. Gravity is the next one to go, folks. We're going to be floating around like feathers in the breeze by the weekend, you watch. Decent cruiser match, and this one actually had a few highspots. 5/10
Meanwhile, Jericho sucks up to Stephanie. Maybe he thinks that will keep him from walking dogs and cleaning up poop instead of being portrayed as a viable champion if he's ever allowed near the belt again. Since it'd be hard for him to slip Steph the baloney pony, I guess he has to make his inroads somehow. Stephanie decides to reward Jericho�s generosity last week by booking him against Edge next week on Smackdown. Well, that certainly makes up for getting bumped from the PPV.
Main Event: Kurt Angle vs The Rock. Since there�s some PPV hype to be done, The Undertaker decides to motor out to ringside. Rock starts with a brawl and clotheslines Angle out. He puts Angle�s head to the steps, then into UT�s bike. Well, that just wasn�t too wise. Rock suplexes Angle on the ramp, but ends up catapulted into the ringpost. Back in, Angle stomps away and suplexes Rock. They exchange chops in the corner, and Rock does his belly-to-belly throw for 2. Angle comes back with the rolling Germans for 2. Two more suplexes, and Rock rolls to the apron, only to get pounded by Angle there. Rock rolls thru a crossbody for 2, but gets clotheslined and suplexed. Angle slaps on a chinlock and, like a good heel, uses the ropes for extra leverage. Right fights out, but takes an Olympic Slam. It gets only 2. Rock dragon screws Angle into the Sharpshooter, but Kurt makes the ropes. Angle elbows out of the Rock Bottom, but Rock has some punches ready, and the SPIT PUNCH OF FIERCE DRIPPAGE~! knocks Angle to the outside. Rock lowblows Angle on the table, then goes for a clothesline and hits UT with it by accident. I was wondering when THAT contrived spot would come into play. Back in, Angle grabs an Anglelock, but Rock rolls thru. Laying The Smackdown DDT gets 2. Rock knocks UT off the apron and spinebusters Angle. He goes for the People�s Elbow, but UT breaks it up with a clothesline to draw the DQ at 12:19. UT pounds on Rock, only to get chaired by Angle. Angle misses Rock with the chair, but he locks in the Anglelock this time, and Rock taps like Gregory Hines on speed. I�ll never complain about a 12-minute Angle-Rock match on free TV, but the Standard PPV Bullshit Schmoz Ending cost it a point. 6/10
Lloyd chases HHH in the parking lot, but gets cut off by Stephanie, who just wants a fe minutes of his time to talk business. H puts her off until Sunday, then gets into a limo with Bischoff. What a thrilling climax to the show THAT was.
Doing The Math: They actually managed cut back on talking tonight, though we had to suffer thru ten minutes of limo arrivals instead. I hope that wasn�t the �E� Bischoff was talking about Monday night. None of the matches sucked, though the ending to the main event was disappointing, if expected. I don�t know about Stephanie as a face, but since she�s easy to look at, I�ll give her the benefit of the doubt for now. Leave the limos in the parking garage next time and give us some more wrestling, instead of three-minute openers and brief cruiser matches. Still a pretty good show overall, and much better than some of their pre-PPV editions have been in the past. Overall (Not an average): 6/10
Dr. Tom
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