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TNA
Raw from JHawk's Beak
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Jul 29, 2002, 22:50
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Raw from JHawk's Beak (7/29/2002)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Getting medieval on your candy ass: I made a trip to the Great Lakes Medieval Faire this weekend. Always a fun day out, and plenty of great food even if some of it doesn't seem to fit the theme. I don't think they had hot dogs and pizza in 13th century England. But I only bring this weekend excursion up because it is somewhat wrestling related. They have two or three combat jousts each day of the faire, and in the three years I've been there, there's always one wrestling move of choice they incorporate into it. Two years ago, the heel did a People's Elbow. Last year, the move of choice was a Stone Cold Stunner. This year, they added to the wrestling quotient. In one sequence, both jouster hopped off of their horses and worked in a clothesline spot. Later on, the joust became "anything goes", and after one of the jousters was knocked off of his horse, the other one positioned his horse next to the loser, then stood up on top of the horse, did the Jeff Hardy hand thing, and fell off the horse's back into a fairly nice Swanton Bomb. I was hoping for a Five Star Frog Splash myself, but when they're doing flips in full armor, it's about as good as you're going to get. No word on where wrestling traditionalists stand with this exhibition. Those of you in northeastern Ohio and western Pennsylvania can find out more about the Faire by going to www.medievalfaire.com. I'd say "Tell them JHawk sent you," but they'd probably just go "Who?"
If I didn't know any better, I'd swear things were getting interesting: After what I felt was a good but unspectacular Raw last week, the rest of WWE TV was absolutely amazing. Nothing on SmackDown bored me in the least, with only Rikishi vs. Albert making me look for the remote control, and the lack of a long promo made me very happy. I enjoyed Heat and Velocity, but I would like somebody to tell me how the hell a kayak got underneath the ring. Confidential was once again pretty good in my opinion, but I question how the DX Army was the beginning of the end for WCW as they claim when the Nash-Hogan Georgia Dome fiasco did more permanent damage. I dug seeing the footage of Bob Orton Sr. and Bob Orton Jr. as well, and would really like to see World Wrestling Entertainment start a 24-hour wrestling channel. Linda McMahon, I'm looking in your direction!
Anyway, you are all here for Raw, and I've been looking forward to this one all week. We have Rob Van Dam vs. Chris Benoit for the Intercontinental Championship tonight, and if given ten full minutes this should kick 12 kinds of ass. That, my friends, is a lot of ass. Also, why did Triple H turn on Shawn Michaels and waste approximately seven of your 35 dollar PPV fee in doing so? Will we find out who the heel is out of the two? And somebody left SmackDown in Eric Bischoff's limo? Who was it? We can allegedly rule out Kurt Angle, John Cena, Rey Misterio Jr., Edge, Chris Jericho, Lance Storm, Christian, and Test, so my guess is it's one of the eight anyway.
Segment 1
We are L-I-V-E from Ric Flair Country, the Greensboro (N.C.) Coliseum! Why did The Game assult HBK? In a double main event, RVD vs. Benoit and The Rock vs. Ric Flair in a non-title match!
But first, Earache Bitchoff is back (and better than ever, says the crappy music), and he's immediately taunting Stephanie McMahon. He knocked her out, because tonight, he brings to us...Test, Lance Storm, and Christian. Officially dubbed the "Un-Americans". Clever. It must have taken 30 seconds to come up with that one. And they're on their way to the ring, flying the American flag upside down. And remember, all weekend they said these three couldn't possibly be gone. Well, at least the tag titles are on Raw with the tag teams, but now what title do the SmackDown guys for? Anyway, Lance Storm has the stick, and the flag stands for the upside down beliefs of Americans. Americans worhsip celebrities as if they're icons, but let's look at them. Elvis--drug addict, died on toilet. Marilyn Monroe--O.D.'d on sleeping pills. John Wayne--his family became prostitutes by selling his image for beer commercials after he died. Huge "USA" chants as Christian gets the mic. "America is as cold as Ted Williams' frozen corpse." Why do people know eveyr Britney Spears song and not the Bill of Rights? Actually, I have no answer for that. The crowd applauds the mention of porn sites--heh. But according to Storm, there is one man who America is all about--Bischoff. But soon they get cut off by the Holy Bible Kid, and he has his own mic. He wants Triple H. This has nothing to do with this segment. HBK doesn't know if Hunter has the night off, but he wants to exercise his American rights and kick Hunter's ass. Bischoff says once Hunter gets here, he'll get there. Test wants Shawn to leave, and Shawn says they should do what Bret Hart did and learn to live with it. And there's the edict from Shawn--even give him Hunter, or he'll find Hunter himself and give what's left to Eric. Shawn's portion of the interview is over, and now Lance Storm wants to make an un-American impact.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Why yes, this does have an incredible logic gap attached to it. But you know, it makes sense since all the tag teams are on Raw. The problem is they disguise this as a push for Storm and company, but in reality they used this to push the HBK-HHH feud. Note to WWE: Shawn Michaels is risking his livelihood if you go through with this match. There's the risk of permanent paralysis. Is it worth the risk? As a fan, I admit I'd like to see the match. But Shawn's wrestled once since WrestleMania XIV, and unless he's at least 80%, it's pointless. Scary thought...a champion has to move to SmackDown. Please let it be Bradshaw. But it's whoever the I-C champ is after tonight.
Segment 2
Bischoff wishes Eddy Guerrero luck, and security tells him there's a lady outside waiting for him. Assuming it's Steph, Eric says he'll be there soon.
One fall: Booker T vs. Latino Heat
If given enough time, this could be sweet. Guerrero starts with some shots downstairs, but gets caught with a flapjack and a boot to the face. Booker covers for 2. Eddy ducks the leg lariat and goes for a suplex, but Booker floats behind. Eddy behind Booker, and he targets the lower back and the ribs. Yes, it's continuity from last week. I'm shocked too. And JR is amazingly trying to call the match as Eddy puts on a sort of camel clutch. Booker starts to break, so Eddy sits down on the back, then gets a couple of forearms to the back for 2. Forearm to the ribs, and then Eddy targets the ribs in the corner. Eddy begins to unhook the top turnbuckle pad. Eddy and Booker trade shots mid-ring, with Booker gaining the advantage...and a high backdrop. A clothesline and a bodyslam gets 2. Booker chops away at Eddy, but Eddy gets in a "headscissors takeover". Not good. The turnbuckle is completely exposed now, and Eddy pounds at Booker in the opposite corner. There's the whip, but Booker puts on the brakes, flapjacks Eddy into the exposed corner, and there's the scissors kick for the win in 5:24. There's the spinaroonie.
Eric is at the limo...and there's The No Longer Fabulous Moolah and Mae Olde. Mae might be looking for child support, but she's at the wrong show.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Slow match, but not bad. I love the psychology involved in Eddy working on the back, as well as the fact that JR and Lawler were actually calling the match (at least for the most part). Good to see Booker getting some clean wins, and he could end up becoming one of the top stars on Raw if the pace keeps up.
I know Moolah's got a book coming out next week, but does Mae Young have to be there with her to shill it?
Segment 3
Backstage, Shawn searches for Hunter and ends up in Booker and Goldust's locker room. Booker tells Shawn it's not so fun being on the other side of a beatdown, and Shawn says it's nothing personal, just business. Somehow Booker sees that as an invite to an ass-kicking, and Goldust goes "I can dig that, sucka."
Intergender Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: Trish the Cheating Bitch and American Dream Bubba Ray Dudley vs. Pure and Wholesome Molly Holly (WWE Women's Champion) and William Regal
Didn't we just do this last week? Wasn't this a waste of time then too? Much like the "Molly has a fat ass" angle that they insist on shoving down our throats. Anyway, Molly has the stick and says Regal pulled a muscle (really? Which one?) and can't compete, so his replacement...The Too Damn big Show. Wasn't he a face two weeks ago? Molly attacks Trish from behind and gets a suplex for two. Trish starts forearming away at Molly, but gets caught. Molly tags Show in, Show goes for an elbow, Trish moves and tags in Bubba. Show is quickly back to the attack and working on Bubba's injured arm. There's a combination arm wringer-Beell throw, and Bubba's doing a nice selling job here. A "We want tables" chant as Bubba side steps a big boot. Molly is in, Bubba takes her down and tag Trish, and Trish with a roundhouse kick for 2. Handstand headscissors gets 2. Molly reverses a whip, and Show takes Trish down by the hair. Bubba in, some Bubba Tough dancin' with Molly, and the Wuzzup Headbutt is stopped by Show. Trish gets crotched on the top turnbuckle, and Molly gets in a superplex for 2. Bubba uses the steps on Show on the outside. Molly misses the Molly Go Round, and Bubba picks up Molly...and there's the Dudley Device! Trish pins Molly at 4:15. But wait! The Big Show knocks Trish down after the match and choke slams Bubba. Show grabs a table from out of the ring and sets it up inside the ring. Trish grabs a chair, but Show knocks it out of her hands and sets her up for the choke slam. Bubba grabs the chair and hits Show in the back with it to make the save, and he grabs Trish and leaves the ring with her.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Well, this match was OK, but unspectacular. I have no interest in the Big Show-Bubba Ray they've been building the last two weeks, but at least they're trying. I just wish they'd get away from these intergender matches though. They're entertaining on occasion, but not when you're seeing them every week. Just give the time to Molly vs. Trish every week.
Segment 4
Are these commercial breaks shorter this week? Anyway, Shawn's still looking for Hunter, and he has no time to deal with Show's whining. He's not making any friends.
Also backstage, The Man (WHOO!) praises Mr. Extreme, but says he doesn't have to risk his life every night. But in comes Eric, saying (loosely paraphrased), "Well, yeah he does, but we don't want him to get hurt." Jeff gets a cheap hometown pop, and Flair apparently has a special announcement, but Flair will do it after his match for "great TV". And in comes Mae Young to try to kiss Bischoff. He resists and decides to allow Moolah to promote her book...and then insults Mae Young's breath.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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I can only assume Flair's announcement is another "retirement", which I don't entirely buy, or that he's moving to SmackDown for the sole purpose of being in his hometown tomorrow night. I guess we'll find out later. BUT GET MAE YOUNG OFF MY TV!
Segment 5
One fall for the WWE Hardcore Championship: Mr. Extreme vs. Bradshaw (champion)
And since Jeff's from Fayetteville, guess the finish. Oh yeah, 24/7 in effect. Bradshaw begins by pounding away at Jeff. A powerslam and an elbowdrop gets two. Jeff gets an inside cradle for 2, and Bradshaw regains control. There's the fallaway slam, and Hardy rolls out of the ring. Bradshaw is out after him and using the steel steps to his advantage. Underneath the ring for the plunder, and no kayak tonight. Of course, Bradshaw stupidly sends Jeff into the ring first, so Jeff can get in a trash can shot for two. A Big Boot stops Hardy's momentum. Bradshawn setting up a piledriver from on top of half the steps, but Hardy counters with a backdrop. Hardy outside the ring, and he's got the ladder. Setting the ladder up...and Bradshaw hits him with the steps. Bradshaw keeps control until Jeff hits the Will o' the Wisp. Ref down, Hardy using the trash can lid, and he's going to the top of the ladder. Bradshaw follows, but gets hit about five times with the trash can lid and falls off the ladder. Swanton Bomb off of the ladder, aand we crown a new Hardcore Champion at 4:36. In comes Johnny Stamboli, and he wins the title at :03. Bradshaw with a Clotheline from Hell, and Tommy F'N Dreamer runs in with a kendo stick and wins the title at :08. Dreamer quickly leaves through the crowd.
Backstage, Regal is with Team Canada, and it's pretty clear that Regal's faking the injury. Benoit leaves the locker room and is wished good luck by Team Canada. Benoit says he doesn't need luck.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Congratulations to Tommy Dreamer for finally holding a WWE title for more than 30 seconds. Too bad they didn't just go with Bradshaw vs. Dreamer for it rather than using all of the 24/7 crap to justify it. The Bradshaw-Hardy match itself was quite entertaining, but hardly a four star classic.
Next is RVD-Benoit. I've been waiting for this one all week long.
Segment 6
One fall for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: Chris BeNOIT vs. Rob...Van...Dam (champion)
JR: "Benoit has seemingly been waiting a year for this title opportunity." Um...he HAS been waiting a year. What is this "seemingly" shit? Sign in crowd: "We want Sabu". If you say so. And here we go! Excellent wrestling sequence to start, and it gets a good pop. Another wrestling sequence, ending with a missed leg lariat and into a clothesline by RVD. This leads to Benoit kicking RVD. Some flipping by RVD leads to a springboard bodyblock for 2. A dropkick sends Benoit to the floor. RVD over the top with a pescado. RVD sends Benoit back in, and a slingshot legdrop gets 2. Benoit comes back with chops, but RVD reverses a whip, does the legsplit duck...and gets caught with a baseball slide. Ouch! And Benoit apparently got the left shoulder, because RVD is selling it and Benoit it right to work on it. Shoulder into the ringpost. JR reminds us of all the pressure on the left shoulder during the Crippler Crossface. And into a form of an armbar (the vicious looking one), with Benoit using the ropes for additional leverage. RVD comes real close to tapping before Charles Robinson sees Benoit using the ropes and calling for the break. Benoit with a hammerlock into a Northern Lights suplex for 2. Sweet move. And Benoit again sending RVD into the corner shoulder first. Backdrop suplex by Benoit for 2. Into the corner, but RVD with the boot, and he gets a bodyscissors roll up for two. Series of kicks by RVD, but Benoit quickly regains control with a dragon screw. Benoit goes back after the left shoulder. RVD tries to fight back but gets caught, but he flips over Benoit's backdrop attempt and connects with the stepover spin kick. Both men down, both men up, and they exchange blows. Benoit gets flapjacked into the corner as he goes for another shoulder smash into the corner, then RVD comes off with a springboard side kick. There's the rolling thunder for 2. Into the corner, RVD with shoulderblocks and the backflip, but RVD gets caught by Benoit, avoids the Crippler Crossface, then gets Benoit down. Up top...and Benoit tries to avoid the Crippler Crossface but gets hits in the side with it. Benoit recovers first and gets the Crossface in, and RVD slides to the ropes feet first. Counters by each guy, RVD with a rollup for two, and Benoit kicks out and turns it into a Crossface. RVD separates Benoit's hands and uses a headlock takedown, but Benoit maneuvers his way into a roll up and uses the ropes for leverage to win the title in 10:19.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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I am very disappointed in the crowd reaction (or lack thereof) for most of that match, but that was quite the little match there. Quite honestly, there was too much of a focus on technical wrestling for the casual fan, and I'm even disappointed in the lack of high spots, but that's exactly what a wrestling match is supposed to look like. Good psychology, good selling, and a cheap but effective finish. If Benoit isn't moving to SmackDown, I'd love to see the SummerSlam rematch.
Segment 7
Shawn talks to a security dude backstage, and he'll be waiting in the parking lot.
Eric is on the stage, and he introduces The Fabulous Moolah so she can shill her book. Of course, Mae comes out with her. Bischoff says she has three minutes...and you can guess what's coming here. Moolah tries to give her life story. Then she goes into her first match at Eric's request. She has two minutes left. Let's go into Cyndi Lauper ("she's a little bitch"). Ooo, kayfabe! She's got one minute left. Ooo, Mae Young's interrupting! Please no catfight! They're not entertaining Bischoff. And here comes the last chapter. The Island Boys are beating the hell out of Moolah and Mae. Mae's the feisty one. Mae takes vicious fucking bodyslam and a big splash. Oh my fucking God! Did Eric call them "Jamal and Rosie"? I couldn't hear it very well.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Major props to Mae Young. Oh my God did that look fucking vicious. And some credit to Eric Bischoff. That was somewhat entertaining. Time will tell if this gets The Island Boys over.
Segment 8
We're back live, and Mae Young has had her neck secured on a stretcher. The Island Boyz made a "big splash" of Raw. Funny. Seriously, that's funny. If you didn't think so, blame Eric. But Bischoff is in the ring, and since he's in charge and all...oh wait, here comes Dead Man Walking, and I'm hoping for a replay of last week's Taker segment. Taker has the mic, and he's questioning Bischoff saying that things happen when he snaps his fingers. But before this can go anywhere, here comes Christopher Nowinski, claiming Taker is nothing more than a bully. And he wants an apology from Taker since it's not his fault Taker doesn't have a college degree. So Eric tells Nowinski he's getting a match with Taker, and Nowinski quickly says "Nobody tells The Undertaker what to do." Taker says he's right, but he wants to fight anyway.
Dead Man Walking vs. Christopher Nowinski
Taker starts off by kicking his ass. Nowinski actually gets in an elbow and a clothesline. And a nice dropkick for a 2 count. Chris keeps the offense on, but Taker with a Big Boot, and there's the Old School. Taker says it's over, and the Last Ride will get the Taker the easy win in 1:39. And now out comes Team Canada to a "USA" chant, and they try to attack The Undertaker 3 on 1. It works until they stop to celebrate, and Taker comes after Test. There we go, more 3-on-1 goodness, and Test with the Big Boot (more of a knee), and there are Storm and Christian with chairs...weak Con-chair-to. A slightly better Con-chair-to, and Team Canada stands over Taker waving the upside down American flag.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Does this mean we're getting that long awaited Undertaker-Test match at SummerSlam. Forgive me if I'm not jumping for joy at the possibilities. Taker's probably the only guy on Raw outside of Flair who might be able and willing to put these guys over though. We'll have to see how this develops before really judging its effectiveness.
Segment 9
The replays are more flattering with the Big Boot. Team Canada is celebrating, but they've got one more piece of business to take care of.
Coach is with Rocky Wants To Be In Pictures, and he wants to know if Rock is going to make a serious impact on Ric Flair tonight. Did you know the Rock is back in Greensboro? He implies Mark Loyd is gay, but praises Coach...other than that night with the cows. Coach wants to know what he's talking about. "Coach, live TV, let's move on." Coach refuses to let it die, so The Rock will break it down. Coach likes to go home to his farm in Kansas, dip into the moonshine, and spend some time with the animals, including his special cow Bessie. I'll leave the rest of the story to your imagination, but it's pretty obvious where he's going. Coach: "Rock, it was just one night..." Rock: "You admit to it? The Rock was joking! You sick freak!" Very funny. Rock finally goes into his promo on Brock Lesnar, and he's only playing one game--"Just bring it". Onto tonight, and for the first time ever, it's Rocky vs. Flair smack dab in the middle of North Carolina. There's only one word to describe this one. "WHOO!" "If you smell...what the Rock..." Rocky goes off stage, then does a Flair strut. "...is cookin'!" That was a long break between "The Rock" and "is cookin' " there. The match is NEXT!
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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More of the usual Rock goodness here. I really could have gone without knowing about Coach's personal life, but hey, more power to him. Anyway, my only regret about seeing tonight's main event is we've had exactly two segments of build up for it when this could have been a co-main event at any major PPV with a month of build up. I'm still looking forward to it. And amazingly, no mention of a monkey's ass, although lots of cow rectum jokes...what is it with Rocky and animal anus anyway?
Segment 10
Before our main event, it's time to play the game, as out comes Hungry Hungry Hippos. Why did Hunter attack him last week? Well, he'll tell us. Apparently, after everything he did, he couldn't do one thing for him. See, HBK as Hunter's manager was his idea. Um...why didn't you, you know, tell him that last week? You might have gotten a more favorable reaction. So anyway, Shawn's a glory hound and can't let go of the spotlight. Now, Hunter's the showstopper (true, but not the way he thinks) and the icon. Shawn's back is gone, and his mind is more handicapped than his body. Reality slapped him in the face last week because his career is over, and deep down, he knows it. All HBK has left is pride, and all his pride can do is get him hurt. Shawn has two choices: Listen to his pride and make an in-ring appearance, or he can put his pride aside and accept his role. The stage manager at ringside gets Hunter's attention, and Triple H is on his way to the back. Backstage, Hunter is running to the parking lot, and Shawn has been laid out...much like he was in late-1998 early-1999 during his commissioner run. Hunter asks for help.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Interesting. I believe it was the night Mick Foley won the title that Shawn was last put through a car window, and that's the implication here. Back then, it was Vince McMahon's corporation. This time...well, I think The Bossman is still on roster, but somehow this appears to me to be Hunter's doing. To swerve us, you see. Still, nice job by the writing team to tip their hat to history a little bit for those of us who were around back then. That could be their "out" to delay the HBK-HHH match a few months (or even to WrestleMania), and they've done a good job building tension between HBK and other guys in the back to leave some doubt as to who it is.
Segment 11
We're back in the parking lot, and the entire locker room is back there watching Shawn get put onto a stretcher. Eric accuses HHH of doing this, and gets a "fuck you" for his trouble.
Non-title contest scheduled for one fall: The Man (WHOO!) vs. Rocky Wants To Be In Pictures (Undisputed WWE Champion)
JR's word of the night: "seemingly". Staredown to start, and a "Whoo" from Flair. Flair starts with a headlock. This leads to a solid wrestling sequence, complete with a leapfrog from The Rock (!). Rocky gets the better of it. Rocky into a headlock, then off into another wrestling sequence, this time with Flair getting the better of it. Not the best armdrags from Flair, but I'm liking this so far. Another lockup, Flair with the advantage, Rock reverses it...right hand! Rocky playing the heel in North Carolina? Nice touch. Flair comes back with chops, and even today nobody does them better. Clothesline by Flair sends Rocky outside, and Flair out after him. He pounds away at Rock and sends him back in. Back heel trip, and he goes for the figure-four but gets kicked off. A very pro-Flair crowd tonight. Chops from The Rock, and they're not as good but Flair's, but nobody's are. Rocky needs three tries to hit the spinebuster, and off goes the elbowpad. People's Elbow is countered with a single-leg takedown. Rocky then counters the figure-four and puts on a sharpshooter. Flair makes it to the ropes. Another sharpshooter attempted, but Flair goes for the eyes. Flair is finally able to get the figure-four. Rocky is able to make the ropes after about 30 seconds in the hold. Dear God, those are vicious chops. Rocky comes back, but Flair blocks the spit punch and fires away. There's the nip-up by Rocky, and Flair immediately walks into a Rock Bottom for the pin at 7:24. Well, that was rather anti-climactic. Rocky celebrates, then looks over at Flair...and they exchange a handshake. Flair raises Rocky's hand. Rocky leaves, holds up the belt at the top of the stage, and Flair has the microphone for his announcement. Flair is about to make the announcement, but Y2J(2) makes an appearance. OK, I wasn't expecting this. He comes in through the crowd and levels Ric Flair with a steel chair. Jericho announces that "Raw is Jericho". Jericho celebrates as Flair lies in the ring.
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END OF SHOW
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Good little match here too, but I almost feel bad for Rocky. No matter what he does, no matter how popular he gets, he just can't quite get the great reaction against the legends. I still can't figure out how Hogan got cheered more than Rocky, but you probably chalk tonight up to location. Very anti-climactic finish, but some very solid wrestling. Two solid performances in as many weeks for Rocky. I wasn't expecting Jericho to show up, but I guess his appearance officially makes him part of Team Canada (they said they had one more impact to make), and it sets up what could be a tremendous Flair-Jericho match for SummerSlam.
Overall, a bit better effort than last week, marred only by a crowd that didn't pop (or at least didn't appear to pop) for much of anything except Rocky's promo. Several good matches, unoffensive promos, and some solid storyline advancement this week. They have a potentially kickass undercard for SummerSlam if they keep some of the programs they seem to be building to. Plus, the talent is actually getting pushed. Lots of Team Canada all around here this week. Aside from Test, that's a good thing.
Join Dr. Tom sometime late Thursday/early Friday for SmackDown! Until then, I'll accept your feedback.
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