 |
|
Home
Wrestling
WWE
TNA
Tape Reviews
Other
Sports
Basketball
Football
Baseball
Hockey
International
Entertainment
Movies / TV
Music
Gaming
Technology
Books / Comics
" The Gravel Pit "
|
|
|
|
Wrestling
>
TNA
Raw from JHawk's Beak
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Sep 23, 2002, 23:26
|
|
Raw from JHawk's Beak (9/23/2002)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
WARNING: I have had a very bad day (I think "shitty" is the most appropriate word), so do't expect me to sugarcoat anything.
Question of the Week: On Comedy Central's "Beat the Geeks", does the movie geek have to quote Triple H? "I am the movie geek. I am the Game! I am that damn good!" Who cares?
Bonus Question of the Week: Would somebody please tell the people at FOX that American Idol should be off the air more than three weeks before they do a fucking reunion special? And it's not even the special itself. It's all of the asinine sales pitches. "What has Kelly Clarkson been up to since becoming a star?" Being on my TV 24/7, that's what! I need to watch two hours of that shit to figure that out? I didn't watch it the first time it was on! OK, American Idol rant over.
Anyway, we are now one day removed from Unforgiven, and of course, a large portion of the Smart Marks staff checked in here, with the exception of Dames, who checked in here. Want to see a variety of different opinions? There you go! And you don't even need to click off pop-up ads or buy a book or anything!
As far as a preview for tonight goes, that would require WWE to think further ahead than last night. Remember who the hell we're talking about. So let's just get to it and go from there.
Segment 1
Let's waste no time and go to the women! Puppies, JR, puppies! Damn, it's contagious.
Triple Threat Match for the WWE Women's Championship: Trish the Cheating Bitch (new champion) vs. Not Yet a Queen Victoria vs. Pure and Wholesome Molly Holly
Tonight, Kane and a partner of his choice against The Un-Americans for the title shot! The Raw these is performed live! Now, this was scheduled for last week but was postponed for Stephanie McMahon's ego trip and probably should have been done for last night instead. Molly and Victoria double team Molly until Trish avoids a kick and Victoria catches Molly with it instead. Molly breaks Victoria's pin attempt, and they start teaming again. Molly with a handspring elbow (with THREE handsprings!). Trish ducks a double clothesline and connects with one of her own, and she starts working over both challengers. Handstand headscissors to Victoria. Molly sends Trish out of the ring, so Victoria knocks Molly down and covers for 2. Delayed vertical suplex, but she heads up top and misses the moonsault. Sign in crowd: "Fear the panda." Trish back in, and she reverses rolling cradles with Molly, before Victoria and Molly hit head to head and Trish rolls Molly up for the pin at 3:17.
Backstage, Booker T and Goldust are showing the gang their own version of "At the Movies", and it's "Stank Wars: Rikishi's Ass Strikes Back", featuring the highlights of Rikishi sticking his ass in Bischoff's face. So many logic gaps, so little time to bitch about them. Guys, I didn't want to see this the first time. Goldust: "I haven't seen anything that terrible since Chris Jericho's last Fozzy concert." Goldust then uncovers a portrait of Bischoff with Rikishi's ass in place of Eric's head, and Rico goes "I'm gonna tell!" He should have stuck his tongue out for effect.
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
The match was OK, if a little too predictable. Seriously, they're partners chasing a singles title, so you knew they were going to miscommunicate. The main problem is Trish has now beaten every credible challenger in the entire division during this title reign. At least until Jazz comes back.
We did not need to see the Rikishi-Bischoff footage (although didn't that breach Stephanie's half of the contract?), and this is apparently setting up the Rico-Goldust showdown we've all been awaiting. Loser gets to meet Pat Patterson after the show.
Segment 2
Easy E welcomes somebody to Raw. In comes Rico, and he's pissed at Rico for leaving last night even though Bisch told him he could leave. So Rico tattles on Booker and Goldust and on everybody else for laughing at it, and Bisch says he's gonna stop it.
And here he comes to the ring. So he's going to embarrass them in the ring instead of backstage. Now Bischoff yells at the fans not to start. Wow, heel heat. Bischoff questions how the entire SmackDown saved Stephanie, but where the hell has Raw been when Stephanie's gotten her revenge? I asked that last week and got no answers then, either. And apparently Vince McMahon himself has decided that there are no more jumps between shows unless there's a trade. But luckily, Bisch cut a couple of deals before the deadline, and now the deadline's passed, so screw you if you hate him. So Bisch calls out Booker T, and here he comes, laughing all the way to the ring. Bisch reams out Booker and asks if that was funny. "You're damn skippy, zippy!" But Booker apologizes, but asks if HLA now stands for "Huge Lumpy Ass". And he still laughs at Bischoff, does his "sucka" bit, but the segment hasn't gone 20 minutes yet...it's gone about Three Minutes. Booker actually holds his own until Rico attacks him from behind. Spinning leg lariat misses, Booker catches him with a side slam, and now Rosey and Jamal double team until Goldust makes the save...only to get himself beat down. Once he gets the advantage, in comes Rico, and apparently 2-on-1 can allow a comeback, but not 3-on-2.
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
I don't know. They've finally gone to measures to make Bischoff a heel, and it apparently worked...in Anaheim, at least. But I didn't really get to see enough of Jamal and Rosey last night to know whether I give a shit to see this tag match or not, and who do you bring in to counteract Rico? Let's see how (or if) they'll build this one up further before committing to an opinion.
Segment 3
Backstage, Bischoff and company are celebrating the beatdown, but just to be safe, they'll be in singles matches. Booker T vs. Rico, and in comes Y2J(2) is upset at Goldust's anti-Fozzy comments, so we've got an Intercontinental Title match tonight. Why is Goldust rewarded with a title shot?
One fall: Mr. Extreme (w/too much freaking body paint) vs. The Too Damn Big Show
Ah, the first two men eliminated in the top contenders four way. And two guys that immediately lessen my enjoyment of the show. Hardy decides to jump Show before the bell rings, but of course, Show outweighs Hardy by about 6,300 pounds, so Show pretty much dominates the opening. The bell finally rings, and Show teases a suplex before dumping Hardy stomach first on the top rope. And he walks over Hardy's stomach. One foot cover, and Hardy kicks out at 2. Hardy goes for the legs to try to keep Show off his feet, and he goes for the Swanton Bomb real early and connects to the lower back. The cover, but Show gets the shoulder up at 2. Hardy with a cross body, but he bounces off Show's chest. Ribbreaker by Show, and now he starts pounding away at the chest and ribs of Hardy. Another rib breaker, followed by a legdrop. And the Big Boot. Hardy tries a springboard bodyblock, but Show catches him, turns it into a choke slam, and gets the pin at 3:24. Dear God, this sucked.
Remember two weeks ago when Tommy Dreamer and Christopher Nowinski went at it? Me neither, so let's take a look. Anyway, Christopher Nowinski is in a classroom, which is his element, and he wants a classroom brawl with Dreamer. Today's lesson: Don't mess with a Harvard graduate.
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
Dear God, Jeff Hardy and The Big Show one-on-one? This match was about 3:26 too long and desperately needed a Jamal and Rosey run-in. Nice story, but it's the same one they've told every other time they've had Big Show vs. someone smaller than The Undertaker.
Is it a good idea for Nowinski to fight Dreamer when he's supposedly hurt? It could be a fun brawl, but still, why risk it?
Segment 4
Backstage, Kane is warming up for his tag team title shot.
But first, we're in the classroom, where Tommy F'N Dreamer gets attacked by Nowinski with a Singapore cane. Of course, hardcore is Dreamer's middle name, so once he gains the advantage, he beats the shit out of him, including throwing him head-first from the ceiling. Nowinski does regain the advantage, but stops to taunt and gets a low blow. Into the wall, and it breaks too. Then it's Dreamer with a Singapore cane to the face. "Class dismissed." Listen to that pop!
Up next, JR introduces the newest Raw superstar!
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
Would somebody please explain to me why that brawl was the shortest segment of the night, but it's also the most entertaining one so far? Seriously, that non-match was better than the two actual matches we've seen so far tonight. We have a couple of potentially incredible matches still to come though.
Segment 5
One fall: Steven Richards vs. Good Ol' JR...I mean, Randy Orton, who is introduced by Good Ol' JR
Might I ask why we care that Randy Orton jumped ship? Oh well, it's someone with talent on Raw. Richards opens by taunting Orton. Orton blows a hiptoss but gets in some armdrags to makes up for it. Dropkick and a cover for 2. Charge into the corner, but Stevie moves and gains control while JR puts Orton over. Stevie with knees to the back, and a whip into the opposite corner, but Orton floats over the charge and goes into a roll up for 2. Stevie regains the advantage and gets 2 off the side slam. Snap mare, into a full nelson, into a full nelson camel clutch (I love this move). Orton eventually breaks the hold and gets another roll up for 2. Orton counters a neckbreaker and gets in a back suplex, and here's the double count. Back to their feet, and Orton gains control. Clotheslines. Flying forearm. And some sort of combination neckbreaker/backbreaker, but it only gets 2. Stevie gets one in and covers, and Jack Doan hesitates on the third count. Orton gets a powerslam for 2, but there's the Steviekick for 2. Another cover and another 2, and Stevie starts complaining. Chokehold against the corner. Orton coming back with a knee, and there's the flying bodypress for the pin at 6:03. After all that, and that's the finish?
And backstage is The Man (WHOO!). Why did he turn on RVD last night?
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
Good little match, even though the crowd disagreed with me, but why wasn't that new version of the neckbreaker the finish? That was a sweet looking move that looked painful as hell, and it doesn't get the pin? And yet Triple H's Sleeper of Supreme Suckitude is allowed to get over. Just tell me the bookers are on crack so I might buy it.
Segment 6
And here comes Union Underground to perform "Across the Nation" live. Does anybody give a shit? Oh, and it's complete with the Divas dancing to it, just to show us that Jacqueline still has a job. Although Stacy's looking quite yummy as always. What can I say except "At least it ain't Fozzy"?
And back to business (thank God) and The Man (WHOO!) makes his way to the ring. I do like Flair as the "Dirtiest Player in the Game", but do you have to screw RVD over to do it? Yep, it's Triple H's doing, because he told Flair he'd lost his passion, guts, and instinct. "What" chants from the crowd to show they're complete jackasses. Flair was trying to mentor to the young guys and please the crowd instead of focusing on himself. Triple H idolized Ric Flair (who didn't?), and look at him now! He's better than ever...STOP LAUGHING! So Flair is going to teach Triple H to style and profile. Fuck, they're trying to force me to like Triple H. Must...resist...urge...to...kill. Flair: "I'm going to teach him how to be World Champion as long as he wants to be." He's fucking the owner's daughter, I think he's got it covered. And backstage, there's Rob...Van...Dam with his ribs taped, and he makes his way to the ring to confront Flair. And of course, Hungry Hungry Hippos has to attack from behind and send RVD into Flair so they can double team. Of course, HHH lets Flair do most of the work. Hunter taunts RVD, but out comes Bubba Ray Dudley to make the save, and of course, Hunter and Flair double team him too. They work over RVD again until Bubba finally comes in with a chair.
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
One guess who looked weakest in this segment. And the hint: He's the most over guy in the ring. If you said "Bubba Ray Dudley", then you haven't been paying any attention. The positive thinker in me says this is the start of RVD's huge push, but the common sense part of me laughs and says "Are you serious?" If this builds to RVD getting that title, fine, but I have no confidence that this doesn't lead to World Champion Bubba Ray Dudley.
Segment 7
Coach runs into Bubba Ray Dudley, and he says this is not "The Triple H Show". No fair! Cheap pop! And he'll be damned if he has to sit through one more Hunter or Flair speech. RVD agrees and suggests they finish the job, but Eric Bischoff disagrees. Jesus Christ, turn everybody I like why don't you? Bisch makes the tag team match for tonight. Bischoff tells RVD to watch the ribs. "I know Flair and Triple H will be."
One fall for the Intercontinental Championship: Y2J(2) (champion) vs. Goldust
Bell rings, Jericho taunts Goldust, Goldust slaps him in retaliation. Jericho gains the advantage with forearms and chops (WHOO), but Goldust quickly slingshots Jericho into the corner. Hey guys, there's a title match going on, quick talking about the building's history. My patience isn't wearing thin, is it? Jericho does the Hogan ear cupping thing to a pop (huh?), and into a chinlock. Goldust comes back, avoids a dropkick, and then rolls up Jericho for 2. Jericho back in control, taunting Goldust, and then he drops Goldust throat first on the top rope. Choke against the ropes, and then the squisher. Jericho kicks Goldust in the corner, and there's the sleeping neckbreaker (and the feet on the ropes) for 2. Jericho hammers away, but gets caught with a clothesline coming off the ropes. Time for the classic comeback (tm D'Lo Brown). Goldust wastes time going to the Curtain Call, which allows Jericho to land on his feet, but Goldust gets a powerslam for 2. Jericho tries a bulldog, but Goldust straddles him onto the turnbuckle, and there's the setup for the Golden Globes. Jericho pulls the referee in front of it. Goldust tosses the ref aside, so Jericho gets a flying enzuigiri, then turns it into the Walls of Jericho. Goldust fights for the ropes, but can't make it and taps out at 6:46.
The tag team title match is next!
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
Can you at least make these matches good or bad one way or the other so I can actually comment? That's about four matches tonight that were just there. This one started to pick up near the end, but the point for most of this stuff has escaped me all night long.
Segment 8
Meredith Brooks (who had a hit with "Bitch" and hasn't been heard from since) is in the crowd and apparently is working on something for Lilian Garcia.
One fall for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Lance Storm and Christian (w/William Regal) vs. Kane and The Hurricane
When Kane's music changes to the Forcible Entry (Canada) version a minute like that, I think someone else is coming. They really need to change that. The Hurricane? This makes absolutely no sense. Hurricane and Christian start and trade blows. Hurricane with a blockbuster, and here comes the tag to Kane, and he is cleaning house. He slams Christian onto Lance Storm. Hurricane is launched by Kane onto the champions. Regal interferes, but Hurricane is after him. One Christian baseball slide later, we've established Hurricane as face-in-peril. JR gets in a good Anna Nicole Smith shot. "She took up two seats at Unforgiven." Storm with an elbow for a near fall. Christian is tagged in, and he gets a backbreaker for 2. Christian into a reverse chinlock, because you have to have a resthold in a 6-minute TV match. Hurricane fights out, but the inverted DDT backbreaker gets 2 for Christian. Hurricane finally counters Christian's offense and hits the Eye of the Hurricane. Tag to Storm, HOT TAG to Kane, and here we go. HUGE backdrop from Kane to Storm, and he's taking out all three Un-Americans. Kane up top with a flying clothesline to Storm, and Test runs out to distract Nick Patrick. In comes Regal with the title belt shot to the head, but the actual count from Patrick is like 30 seconds later, so Kane kicks out. Out come the rest of the referees to eject Test and Regal from ringside. Hurricane comes off the top with a sloppy rana to Christian and goes for a choke slam to Storm, but Christian makes the save. But seconds later, it's a stereo choke slam, and Kane pins Storm for the titles at 6:26.
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
They didn't have a choice but to take the titles off of Storm and Christian, because if Storm doesn't have a concussion after last night I'll be shocked (and I haven't been online to check if he's OK or not). But too many little things bother me here. One, you have established tag teams on Raw already. That's why you moved the belts to Raw in the first place. Second off, why is Hurricane on Raw? He's a cruiserweight, the cruiserweights are on SmackDown. Even Crash jumped ship for the cruiserweight division, and he hadn't won TV match in six months. Three. Doesn't Kane remember the last time he teamed with a cruiserweight who wore black and green. Best match of the night so far, in my opinion, but just too many little things that make no sense.
Segment 9
Someone Feed Terri interviews Hurricane and asks why they're partners. "We both wear masks, we both use choke slams, and we both have great physiques." He's been looking for a sidekick, but Kane walks in and Hurricane passes it off as a joke. Kane says they're partners because they're both freaks and freaks are cool. To the Hurricave! But not before Kane kisses Terri. Hurricane: "That's what I call an Ameri-Kane!" Well, the crowd's popping for it.
Coach is with the former champions, and Christian says (rightfully) that they had the win with the referee distracted, but Regal says not to complain like the Americans would. This interview is over, so piss off! Go Regal!
One fall: Booker T vs. Rico
Sign in crowd: "They took my sign...AGAIN!" Booker actually has the early advantage and needs to be pulled off of Rico by Charles Robinson. This enables Rico to get the advantage. Springboard kick to the face, and Rico covers for 2. Rico with a kneelift that only seems to energize Booker, and here's Booker with clotheslines. Rico counters with the thumb to the eye, but not for long, as Booker knocks him down and SPINNAROONIE! SPINNAROONIE! Scissor kick, pin at 2:06, and it's less than three minutes but Rosey and Jamal are out anyway for the 3-on-1. Double flapjack from the Samoans, and Jamal is off with the flying splash. Goldust is out for the save, and he clears the Samoans , then works over Rico until he gets the Golden Globes. Rosey and Jamal finally get to work over Goldust, because it makes no sense for Jericho to kick his ass but beat on three men 15 minutes later without nearly dying. Why yes, I am cynical tonight. Why do you ask?
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
Jesus, the one match I've been looking forward to all night and it gets barely two minutes. Rah. Hey, I'm all for building Rosey and Jamal up, since they have impressed me so far, but what about making them get some work in on heat before going over your number 2 and 3 faces (no, Bubba Ray is NOT your number two face).
Segment 10
The referees are leading Booker and Goldust to the back, and Bischoff comes in to ask if Booker has his respect, and next week's Raw's in Booker's hometown of Houston, and it will be Rosey and Jamal against Booker and Goldust. Booker: "I think you are what you eat. Eric, I think you're an asshole."
In the locker room, RVD is ready for the main event, because Hunter and Flair took everything from him, including the I-C Title. So what if he's hurt? He has nothing else to lose. Except his push.
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
Hey, a good segment, even if there was no wrestling! Episodic TV, as we've got a match set up for next week that is logical based on what happened over the course of the night. RVD puts over exactly why we should actually care about the main event and does it somewhat believably. Just one question: If Bubba doesn't want Triple H to have anymore airtime, why is he so gung ho about getting him in the ring?
Segment 11
Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Hungry Hungry Hippos (alleged World Heavyweight Champion) and The Man (WHOO!) vs. Bubba Ray Dudley and Rob...Van...Dam
Too bad this isn't Flair/RVD vs. HHH/Bubba. Then I could actually root for somebody. And this is coming from someone who admittedly likes Bubba Ray Dudley. Bubba has to talk RVD into going to the apron, so Hunter attacks Bubba from behind. Bubba cleans house early, and the crowd is apathetic. Bubba and Hunter yell at each other, and then we have the headlock into a shoulderblock spot, and a confused Hunter tags in Flair. Bubba gets in an arm wringer and goes to tag RVD, but Flair gets free and tags in Hunter. Avoiding RVD. Nice psychology. Flair back in, and he chops Bubba in the corner, but Bubba returns the chops, and this leads to a botched Flair flip. Now RVD tags in, and he gets his licks in (while only occasionally selling the ribs), then blows the monkey flip. Jumping side kick to Flair. Spinning heel kick followed by a rolling thunder to Hunter. Flair with a thumb to the eye, and a clothesline from Hunter. RVD is able to get Hunter down, but misses the split legged moonsault. Tags on each end, and Bubba works over Flair. And he Samoan drops Hunter coming in. JR is pissed that Earl Hebner isn't sending Hunter out of the ring. Bubba with a double flip flop and fly. He clotheslines Hunter out of the ring, slams Flair, and RVD with the Wuzzup Legdrop. RVD goes "Bubba, get the tables" for the first actual pop of the match. Bubba goes for it, and RVD baseball slides HHH as he goes after Bubba. The table is set up in the ring, Bubba sets Flair up on it. RVD is up top slowly for the Five Star, but Hunter pushes RVD off the top rope. Flair rolls up Bubba from behind, hooks the tights, and gets the pin at 7:07. But wait! What's Raw without an illegal postmatch double team? Hunter grabs the sledgehammer, but in comes Bubba to make the save. Bubba goes for a Bubba Bomb, but fucks up and Hunter hits the edge of the table. I hope that was planned. So RVD puts Hunter on the table and heads up top. Flair tries to interfere, but Earl Hebner cuts him off, and RVD legdrops Hunter through the table. And we are out.
----------
END OF SHOW
----------
And notice who was over in this segment. RVD and a table. Would it really have been that hard to do that finish in the HHH-RVD match at Unforgiven? Apparently. This was a 20 minute tag match condensed into seven minutes, which is the biggest problem with Raw lately. At least, whether on accident or not, RVD ended up being the guy who put Hunter through the table.
Overall, this show sucked. What wrestling was good was good, but there was so little of it that was any good that I honestly can't think of anything that really stands out. And quite honestly, I had to sit and think about whether I liked Jericho vs. Goldust. If that's the reaction I have to a match I was looking forward to, I can't be happy with the show.
The good: Much less Triple H than in weeks past, plus a surprising tag title match and an underappreciated Orton-Richards match.
The bad: Just about everything else.
The confusing: So who was Bischoff welcoming to Raw? Orton? A letdown by even Raw standards, but I got the impression it was someone else.
I don't do this often, but this show was so flat, I'm going to pimp my Amazon wishlist. But if you buy me something, I will review it for the site, so this is not worthless shilling like those guys on other sites. And you won't hurt my feelings if you don't buy me anything.
Until next week, you know how to get hold of me.
| |
|
|
|
|
|
