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3D: Ditaliano on (Disney) DVD: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Platinum Edition
Posted by Matt Ditaliano on Jun 22, 2003, 01:53
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I told y'all I'd be back. I just didn't say when. Yes, that last sentence was insurance in case something goes horribly wrong and I can't get this up until after the weekend.
Good news! My archives are now up. Yay for me! So, now, if you are looking for my past atrocities/columns, look no further than my latest article, which will be sure to have at least one link to them in it. If that link actually worked, I�d like to thank Nik (No �c�, folks. I learned that the hard way) Johnson for helping me out. His stuff is located here. Yeah, now I�m just playing around with my new toy, so to speak.
This week I had planned on reviewing Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs for you guys. But when I sat down to review it, I realized that I couldn�t find the goddamn DVD. Truth be told, I probably could have done the thing from memory, but I just wouldn�t have been comfortable with that.
So, being the professional that I am, I curled up in the fetal position for a minute or eight before I lined up a back-up movie. You guys almost got the review for Monsters, Inc. Honestly, I don�t think that would have been such a letdown. Hell, I could have went out and bought the Jungle Book, (Is that out yet?) and made us all suffer through the goddamn son of a bitching Bear Necessities. Yes, I have issues, we have already established that. Remember that I�m not all that stable, so keep me happy. Because I now have a secret weapon. Oh, come on, I couldn�t be the only one who wanted to fucking impale Mowgli with a staple remover.
::Clears throat::
Well, anyway, being the almost perfectionist that I am, I couldn�t actually start Monsters before I turned my home upside down looking for Snow White. Since I was indeed able to find it, you will be getting Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs this week. I guess those last three paragraphs were kind of useless, but I�m sure you all want to know what goes on in the mind of an idiot.
Before I begin with the review (or before you answer that last statement) I�d like to share some more exciting news. Thanks to RANDOM MAILING~! (Well, I�m actually probably apart of one or thirty-eight Disney mailing lists through various obsessive escapades.) I received a form to join the Disney movie club or some shit like that. So, sometime soon, I should be getting Emperor�s New Groove, Pocahontas, one of my all time faves, Robin Hood, and a Disney Classic, Alice in Wonderland. I�d be willing to enlist one of my drugged up friends to help me explain that one to us clean guys.
Yes, that was indeed one of my patented �type a whole lot but don�t actually say anything� introductions. I do that for several reasons. First of all, I�ve convinced myself that you guys actually care about my life outside these columns. Please, don�t send me mail to the contrary. That will just deflate my ego.
Secondly, if I didn�t inject some of myself into these columns, I�d be like an empty shell reporting facts in a boring manner . And on the off chance that that didn�t get my ass fired, expect a �3,000 Reasons Why Dames Rules� column next week. Seriously, Dames does rule and he has actually gotten me interested in TNA, something I didn�t think would happen. I don�t order the shows, mind you, but I do care.
Third, if I didn�t ramble on, I�d be pumping 500 word columns every week. And that�s just stupid.
The length of my explanation was somewhat comparable to the length of my introduction, which I felt my have been a little long. And I still have to review the massive DVD for the �One that started it all.� Buckle your seatbelts folks, we�re in for the long haul.
I better get a goddamn raise or something.
This isn�t a paying job. GOD DAMNIT!
I�ll just start the DVD review now. Okay? Yeah, I thought so.
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| One day, My prince will come. DaDa DaDaDaDa |
3D, Ditaliano on (Disney) DVD: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Platinum Edition
The Movie
Hot damn, if there was any movie easier to gloss over than Beauty and the Beast, it�s Snow White. In fact, if you don�t know this story, just leave now.
Oh well, might as well Reader�s Digest � (or is it � or �?) it.
Show White is indeed the fairest girl in the land. This makes her vain and conceited queen and possibly stepmother (to tell you the truth, I never did figure out if they are related. I�m sure it�s mentioned somewhere, and somewhere obvious at that, but I always manage to miss it. Or maybe I�m confusing it with Cinderella. I just don�t care enough to look it up right now, nor would I even know here to begin to search for it.)
The jealous queen, of course, orders her dead, and Snow White escapes only thanks to the kind hearted hitman. She runs away, and stumbles upon the cottage of the strange and dysfunctional Seven Dwarfs.
The middle of the movie basically sees Snow White housebreaking the dwarfs (teaching them to wash up, cooking suitable meals etc.) and daydreaming about the return of her prince (who, once again, may or may not have a name. I�ve never caught it. I might end up calling him Prince Eric-Ariel�s love-somewhere in here. If I do, you have permission to shoot me.) whom she met before she had to flee the castle.
All this merriment, mirth, and gaiety comes to abrupt end, when the queen turns out to not be a total idiot. Well, she talks to cosmetic items, so who the hell knows. But anyway, the mirror tells her that our heroine is still alive.
So, she goes and does what any normal person would do. She turns herself into a hag, (She�s not a witch, motherfuckers. She�s a queen that practiced witchcraft to turn herself into an old woman. The end result is an old woman, not a witch, no matter what anyone says.) poisons an apple with a sleeping sickness, and feeds it to Snow White while the dwarfs are working in the mines. (Hi-HOOOOOOOO!) Snow White�s loyal animal friends alert the Dwarfs, who promptly chase the hag to the top of a cliff, when lightning strikes and she becomes the first victim of the famous �Disney Villain Death Fall.� And before someone tries to tell me that the boulder killed her, I don�t care. She could have fallen into a wormhole, landed at the Jungle Book premier, and died of disgust for all I care. She took the same fall that all evil people in Disney movies would later take. End of discussion.
Since no Disney movie ends on a sad note, Prince Kane of course comes, and makes out with Katie Vick-White, which brings her back to life. They ride off into the sunset and their castle in the clouds and we all clap and cheer.
Great movie, of course, it�s Snow White, for Christ Sakes. Still, believe it or not, I can�t rate it at the same level as Beauty and the Beast. Nothing can top that.
Well, with that out of the way, let�s get to the meat of this review. THE EXTRAS~!
The Special Features
Another two disc-er, here folks. And it might just be better that that of Beauty and the Beast.
Disc One
The first disc has the standard �commentary, fluff, and stuff that can be found on the second disc.� Not NEARLY as good as disc one of Beauty and the Beast. , but not terrible. Okay, maybe it is.
We start off with �Goddess of Spring� which is a mind numbing ten minute long Silly Symphonies short. This is, I think, the first cartoon to feature a real human type character. Or maybe the first in color. I don�t care. It starts off nice, but it takes a strong will to sit through all 9:43 of it.
�Making of Snow White� is definitely more my speed. So, of course, it�s 40 fucking minutes without a break. If you, for whatever reason, have forty minutes to kill, this is certainly the way to do it. If you are like me, you eat up the �making of� stuff. Well, empty your plate, because there�s plenty of it here.
One of the few highlights of the first disc is Dopey�s Wild Mine Ride. It really is a fun game for people of all ages filled with trivia, clips from the movie, mini-games, and the obnoxious Magic Mirror. That definitely gets thumbs up.
All right, disc one, which was floundering to begin with, (Really, only staying afloat on the strength of the movie itself) goes WAY, WAY the fuck downhill from here.
�Because BARBRA FUCKING STREISAND shows up! Why? God almighty, and I thought Celine in the other movie was bad. What the hell is this bitch doing in this movie? Why, she�s been hired to shriek �Some Day My Prince Will Come.� I�ll never be able to listen to that song again. What is Disney�s thing with hiring these women to scream out these songs? Just hire Aretha to do �Hakuna Matata,� Eisner, I dare you. Just do it.
Now, I like commentary on DVDs, and I�ve never hid that. Still, I�m bright enough to have warning bells sound when �Audio Commentary with Walt Disney!� is advertised. I mean, how can a man that�s been dead for thirty-five(???) years do commentary on a DVD?
Well, if you said �Hire some film historian to kind of sort of commentate while they throw in clips of Walt talking about something kind of sort or related to the scene,� please give me an address where I can reach you, because you obviously came up with this brainfart of an idea. It would have made more sense to just have Roy Disney or one of those senile old artists that they interviewed actually do a real commentary. Instead, we get something that put me to sleep.
Finally, on disc one, we have the VIP guided tours where we are double teamed by the tag team of Roy Disney and Jessica Fletcher. At this point, my spirit is broken, so let�s just move on to disc two.
Disc Two
Thank Fucking God.
If it weren�t for this masterpiece of a disc, this DVD would be a bust.
Disc two is organized into a bunch of subsections, each based on an area in the movie and each with it�s own �theme� so to speak. And of course, the Lord of Ruleage, Magic Mirror is in the middle to yell at the viewer. Some of these sections are better than others, but NOTHING is bad in the true sense of the word. The sections will make up my subcategories.
The Dwarf�s Cottage
This is my personal favorite. It�s basically a media department. I can�t really think of something better to call it. I�m sure some smartass will, though.
Right off the bat, we have the section based on the premier. The first thing we see is a video newsreel clip of the actual premier. Hey, it�s not as horrendously boring as it sounds. It�s pretty damn cool, actually, to see the old stars all filing in and the coverage it gets. And the old ugly versions of Mickey and Minnie. The radio broadcast, just like the other three on this DVD, absolutely rules. Although, sitting in a room with Walt as he speaks in a million different voices would scare the shit out of me. I love Uncle Walt, but that would be creepy.
Right after this, go to the trailer section. It will take you about 12 minutes to breeze through them, and if you are a Disney history buff, it�s worth it.
The Publicity section is pretty �eh� until we hit two of maybe the coolest mini-documentaries dealing with Disney ever. �A Trip Through Walt Disney Studios� and �How Disney Cartoons are Made� sell the goddamn whole DVD set, even if Streisand dominated the rest of the whole damn thing.
Vintage Audio is another GREAT (That reminds me, what the fuck is with the new Tony the Tiger Cereal? Cinnamon Toast Crunch with a tiger?) section, and I beginning to think I should have saved this for last. The three full radio broadcasts rock everything, and the radio commercials fall under the trailer rule above. The recording session is unneeded, but �You�re Never Too Old to be Young� will be stuck in you head-in a good way-for two days.
Great, great section.
From there, we move to probably the worst.
The Queen�s Dungeon
Just because I don�t like this section doesn�t mean it�s bad, per se. Abandoned concepts rarely if ever interest me, although the bizarre fantasy version of �Some Day My Prince Will Come.� Certainly piques my interest at least. Not much else, though, and really, how long can you sit and watch how they restored the movie?
Snow White�s Wishing Well
This is much better than the last one, especially for history and/or animation buffs. Personally, I don�t know how anyone could pass up the timeline on Walt�s life or the development of Snow White. That�s just cool. The Brothers Grimm story section might not be your cup of tea, but no reason to not give it a shot.
Animation fans behold a storyboard section! I don�t give a fuck about this, but even I watched if for a minute or two. I�m sure someone really into that stuff would care much more than I do.
This section might not seem promising, but looks are certainly deceiving here.
The Queen�s Castle
More art design. Blah blah blah blah. AND MY GALLERIES! Yes, this is where my favorite animation galleries EVER from Beauty originated! These guided gallery tours are like the best thing ever put on a DVD. Hell, they�re great just because they show the inside of castles of the Beast and the Queen. I wonder what they�ll use for Lion King? WHO THE FUCK CARES? They could use Michael Eisner�s sock drawer for all I care as long as they have these guided tours in every Platinum Edition DVD. If they don�t, I�m flying my ass to where ever the hell Disney is headquartered and demanding a recall and addition of the guided virtual galleries.
All right, I�m done.
This section just barely makes it. (HA!)
We finish up with�
The Dwarfs� Mine
Kind of a deleted scenes section with something tacked onto it for no apparent reason. Of course, if you care about deleted scenes, the more power to you. You�ve got six of them. And the original RKO credits. Be happy.
But the real selling point of this section is the �Disney Through the Decades� section. Much like the section in Beauty that gave the back-story to Disney classics, this features a series of celebrities. Obviously, they are going over Disney�s going-ons for the last century, separated by the decade. I mean, duh. But really, it�s a damn cool section, great for Disney fans that give a shit about history. And, of course, the last thing I�m reviewing today. A damn nice way to end.
The Final Verdict
Movie: 9.5/10 There are just some parts about this movie that can�t keep my attention. But not enough to even really dent it.
Special Features: 7/10 (Disc 1: 4/10, Disc 2 10/10) The second disc just makes this one of the greatest sets ever, In my humble opinion.
Final Verdict: 10/10 Yeah, the math doesn�t add up. Don�t kill yourselves trying to figure it out. It�s fucking Snow White, so history and atmosphere alone brings it up to ten. If you can get it, get it now.
Wow, that column took away many hours of my life. But still, it was fun. And I have a week to regroup before the next SfA, so it was worth it.
See ya then!
Ditaliano
My archives
I�d list an Amazon Wishlist, but you sick fucks would buy me The Jungle Book
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