Movies / TV
Books / Comics
" The Gravel Pit "
The Spoonful of Raw: March 20th, 2006
Posted by Patrick Spoon on Mar 21, 2006, 00:25
PREVIOUSLY ON WWE RAW: Shawn Michaels peed in a cup.
WE'RE LOUD AND METAL-Y and LIVE(!) in Memphis, Tennessee. After a much-needed break from the normal commentary team on Saturday Night's Main Event, it's back to Joey Styles, Jerry Lawler, and The Coach.
But forget my pissing fits with the announcing crew, because it's time for a party!Vince and Shane McMahon do it biggie-style, with a band and confetti and the Spirit Squad and all that razamatazz. Shane is proud of the McMahons being undefeated against Shawn Michaels in the last month or so. It'll get much worse at his pappy's greatest creation, Wrestlemania. Vince shows some brief honor among thieves and says that Wrestlemania is second to Shane on his list of great creations. Shane wonders why Stephanie McMahon is in charge of creative and given free reign to run the company into the ground if Shane's supposed to be the best kid. No, not really. He hugs his pop and thanks him for the kind words. Shawn Michaels screwed Shawn Michaels, sez Vince. Sure, that makes perfect... huh?! Continuing to imply drug use for whatever reason, Shawn is going to "crash" at Wrestlemania, according to Vince. And oh yeah, their match at Wrestlemania is No Holds Barred now. We're on the Highway To Hell tour (it's been more than seven years, so I'll allow it), and Triple H versus Shawn Michaels will be the night's main event.
Everything's all well and good and it's time for some good ol' dixieland jazz until John Cena shows up to end the great music. Thanks a bunch, John. Cena wants HHH and says that no one is allowed to get their hands on him until Cena gets to do it himself. Throw in some dick jokes for flavor. Shane is offended by Cena trying to make decisions about matches without a last name of McMahon, and threatens to beat him down, just like he did Shawn Michaels. Cena TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT~, but Vince cools everyone down and gives Cena a spot in a tag match instead. HHH/Shane v.s. Cena/Michaels is set for later tonight. Shane soils himself and is probably curious as to why his father keeps sending him into matches.
Okay, so: Where the hell was Poochie? And what about Scarecrow's brain?
Kane v.s. Carlito Carribbean Cool is our actual opening match, and you can guess how this went. Kane smacks Carlito around, but Carlito dropkicks Kane in mid-air to avoid Kane's top rope clothesline. Carlito hits that badass backcrack maneuver, but a springboard into the ring is caught by Kane and Carlito is toe-tagged with a chokeslam. One (*) star.
Wrestlemania's less than two weeks away, folks. Can't ya just feel it? No, that's gas pain that you're thinking of. I'm talking about Wrestlemania.
Carlito and Majin Masters have a heated argument backstage. Masters tells Carlito to watch his match with The Big Show to see how to really soften up an opponent.
The next induction for the Hall of Fame will be... (drumroll) The Blackjacks, with an induction speech given by Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. You know, it's really good that they're doing a lot of older inductions (from other promotions no less) this year.
Time for a triple threat Intercontinental title match, and out comes Ric Flair just in time for a commercial.
Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector is coming soon to a theater near you. Aren't you excited?
Intercontinental Championship: Rob Van Dam v.s. Ric Flair v.s. Shelton Benjamin(c) can now begin without any backwards, obese, catchphrase-spouting rednecks getting in the way. The Money in the Bank match uses the same font in its graphic as it had last year, which was also the font used for Wrestlemania 21, and the same font John Cena uses in his entrance. It's the little things, ya know? Oh yeah, the match. Ric and Rob take turns beating up Shelton until they turn on each other. RVD takes Flair off his feet, and both him and Shelton end up on the outside where RVD somersaults over the top rope onto his two opponents. Hey, a commercial. And another one. And another one. And we're back. RVD and Flair are bleeding from cracking heads on that somersault before the break, Joey Styles tells us. RVD whiffs on a Five-Star Frog Splash and Flair applies the Figure Four. RVD is about to submit when Shelton pins Flair (who doesn't let go of the figure four even though he's being PINNED) and escapes with his title. Two and one half (**1/2) stars.
Mick Foley is WALKING!
Wait, we gotta show some Starburst ads first. Okay, done.
Mick Foley enters the arena and it looks like now is where he's going to cut that promo that'll make this program with Edge worthwhile and not such an obvious stretch. Mick says that Edge was right about him when he said Mick's just a big cuddly spoof of himself. Tonight won't be a night for plugs or cheap pops thanks to Edge, with an emphasis on thanking. Edge has unleashed the fucking fury of Cactus Jack. After a hearty "bang bang," Foley appears to be done BUTWAITAMINUTE, Edge's music plays and here he comes... in a really good Lita costume. Hotter than the real thing - guaranteed!*
Lita begs off in absentia for Edge, and requests a normal wrestling match instead of a hardcore bout at Wrestlemania. She actually makes a pretty good argument, telling Foley it'd prove he wasn't a glorified stuntman and it'd make his kids proud to see their father actually wrestling. Edge is still banged up from Saturday Night's Main Event and didn't leave Detroit due to "vertigo and stuff." Good one, Amy. Foley continues the trend of this segment (verbalizing pro wrestling's storytelling devices that are so paint-by-numbers that pointing it out is fruitless) and says this is where Lita slaps him and Edge attacks him from behind while he's distracted. Foley demands that Lita slap him, so she does. Foley demands Lita slap him harder, and says something about a safety word, but here's Edge to attack from behind. You think they'd abort the plan as soon as Foley said he knew what was going to happen, but Edge goes and gets his ass whooped anyway. Foley even blocks a low blow attempt by Lita. Lita gets the Mandible Claw, and Edge beats the crap out of Foley for touching his woman. Well, I'd be saying that if Edge wasn't the most sniveling of heels, but he is, so he stares at his girlfriend being abused.
Okay, so: Look, he's a real softie when they're alone. He wouldn't allow her to be tortured by a submission move if he didn't love her, right? This match is still difficult to get into, although it isn't as underwhelming now as it was a week ago. Progress, however small, is progress.
Torrie Wilson is WALKING~, and that girl looks like she's been built from a bunch of female body parts.
She'll be facing Victoria(with Candice Michelle) as we return from commercial. Candice now has a little sexpot platform carried around by a bunch of dudes, with her Playboy cover blown up and attached to the platform. Blink and you'll miss the match, as Victoria dispatches Torrie with the Widow's Peak. No ( ) stars.
Chris Masters doesn't wait for them to leave before starting his entrance, and here's another commercial. I think his ass is made out of flubber.
The Big Show v.s. Majin Masters follows the break. Big Show spends most of the match overpowering Masters until he crotches himself on the guardrail outside after missing a big boot. Show recovers and gets back into the ring, but Masters wants a chair. As Show tries to get Masters back into the ring, he gets waffled with the chair and the referee calls for the DQ. The chairshot sends Show skidding all the way out of the ring on the opposite side, where Masters uses the Masterlock to subdue Show and send him into a ringpost. Three-quarters (3/4*) of a star. Masters poses and Show aches.
My Ex-Girlfriend is WALKING~ but it's time to hear from our sponsors.
After the five-minute assault of conspicuous consumerism, we're back. There's a big gift box in the ring, and out comes Mickie James to explain. It's a gift for Trish Stratus. Mickie understands if Trish doesn't want to be her buddy, but there are no hard feelings. And oh yeah, Trish/Mickie at Wrestlemania is on. 'Bout damn time. Trish won't come out to accept her gift, so Mickie has the box lifted to reveal someone inside, apparently bound and gagged and covered with black sheets. Now that Trish knows the box doesn't contain a year's worth of Big Boy burgers or something, here she comes. Here's where it gets good. Mickie pulls off the sheets to reveal it's Ashley and says for Trish not to take a step further or else. Yikes, Ashley looks like her chest has been glued to her body. Mickie is all "YOU THINK I'M CRAZY NOW BITCH" at Ashley, who's all "mmmmph!" and Trish is all "I coulda been a dentist" before hitting the ring to rescue Ashley. She tosses Mickie out of the ring and goes to free the hobbled faux-punk girl, but you don't turn your back on a crazy-ass ho like Mickie James. Mickie hits a pretty nice swinging DDT to put Trish down. She's bleeding too, but that doesn't stop her from laying a kiss on an unconscious Trish and asking if Trish loves her now. She dabbed some of her blood on Trish and exited.
Okay, so: We FINALLY had the heel turn on Saturday, and this was the best they could have done to follow this up. I guess next week Torrie Wilson will reveal that it was Mickie who jacked her during last week's show. We'll probably get some dated Scream references with Mickie calling Trish and asking if she's alone and shit instead.
Time to run down the Wrestlemania card. Man, everyone's going to have to give 110% to make this a show worthy of the name.
HHH and Shane McMahon v.s. John Cena and Shawn Michaels is the main event, and on NOW. Aw, made you look. Commercials ahoy after HHH's entrance. Why the hell do they keep doing this tonight?
Yes Nintendo DS commercials, touching is good, but no one has the right to touch you in your bathing suit area.
We return to the show, and the WWE Champion comes out first for his team. I hate that. Shawn eschews his normal entrance and runs to the ring, chasing Shane off into the crowd. Once order is restored, the match is immediately stopped. Vince feels that the rules need to be followed for a change, and that Cena's closed fists mean he's disqualified. Um, no ( ) stars.
It ain't over yet though, because we now have a handicap match! Vince tells Cena not to interfere and has him removed from the arena.
HHH and Shane McMahon v.s. Shawn Michaels is our new main event, and NO ONE CARES. Coach even asks "why isn't anyone enjoying this?" That's too, too easy. HHH and Shane beat on Shawn in front of a silent arena ("they're stunned," according to Lawler) for a while before Shawn hits the flying burrito and makes his comeback. HHH is sent outside, leaving Shane all by himself to take a Michaels top rope elbow. Shawn goes to tune up the band, but HHH nips that in the bud by crotching Shawn on the ringpost. Back in the ring, HHH drops a knee on Shawn's jumblies, and Shane tells HHH to give Michaels the Pedigree while he readies himself on the top rope. As HHH sets it up, John Cena returns (to a good pop) and pushes Shane off the top rope. Vince's security goons flood the ring, but Michaels and Cena clear them all out while the crowd goes as close to bonkers as it gets these days. I guess this match is over. One (*) star.
Vince, Shane, and HHH retreat, but not before Vince says he warned Cena not to interfere. Next week, it'll be John Cena versus Vince McMahon. Cena seems happy about it, so him and Shawn share a tender moment as we fade and the show ends.
Okay, so, about this show: More wrestling than Saturday Night's Main Event had, but the whole night felt like placeholder material except for the Mickie James/Trish/Ashley segment. But where was the Bowflex?
Patrick Spoon can be reached via E-mail at [email protected].