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Entertainment > Movies / TV

The Top 10 BAD Bad Movies
Posted by Jason Castleman on Jul 25, 2003, 14:34

The Bad Bad Movies

Review by Jason Castleman

At my house, every Saturday night is bad movie night. Every Saturday night is 1-3 of the worst movies we can find. Some of these movies are really fun. Some are just really, REALLY, horribly bad. We have strayed from the bad movie rule on the rare occasion to watch some Buster Keaton movies or something like Undercover Brother since it's a blaxploitation parody, one of our favorite Saturday night genres. A while back, on a whim, we decided to come up with our 10 favorite Saturday night movies and our 10 least favorite. We didn't put them in any particular order. So I thought I'd post these lists here on the site. You can find the 10 best HERE but for now, here's the BAD bad movies. In case you guys ever feel like putting together your own marathon of crap, here are some to avoid....

1. Teenage Caveman - This movie was painful to sit through. A couple of years ago or so, Stan Winston and Showtime thought it would be a good idea to take a lot of old Sci-Fi movie titles and remake them. Yes....TITLES....not the movies. These remakes only have the original title. Nothing at all to do with the original movies....they just reamde the TITLES. Earth vs. the Spider was remade into a Spider-man knockoff. It was bad but not top ten bad. How to Make a Monster was turned into a movie about a bunch of people trying to make a monster for a 'Doom' type videogame. Bad but at least fun bad. They also made a couple of more that we haven't had the testicular fortitude to watch yet, but we DID watch Teenage Caveman. The tagline for the movie is "the future sucks." The future isn't the only thing in this movie that sucks because EVERYTHING in this movie sucks. It takes place in the future and the only thing that really happens is lots and lots of softcore sex scenes. The cavemen have learned how to read thanks to old copies of Penthouse magazine. They end up in this "cave" which looks like some ultra cool New York yuppie loft apartment. They just lay around and have sex. The trick is that every time somebody has sex, they explode. So after 15 minutes of setup to get them into the cave. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. Sex. BOOM. The end. This movie is a travesty of justice and should be dealt with accordingly. The hilarious part is that it was made by the same guy who made Kids. How do you go from that to this?

2. Ticker - I don't know if there has ever been a movie that sucks more than Ticker sucks. When you consider the stars of the movie, it has no excuses. Dennis Hopper and Tom Sizemore? Two great actors. How they got sucked into this piece of crap I'll never know. Steven Seagal is in it, even though I'm a fan of his, I can not excuse him for being in such a crappy movie. He makes a crappy movie every week so you know it takes a lot for one to stand out. This movie is just a disaster. I mean, it takes a lot to be able to proclaim a movie as being Steven Seagal's worst movie. The sad part is that he's not the worst actor in the film. Dennis Hopper is. One minute Hopper is using an Irish accent, the next minute he's not. He just forgets to do it. The saddest part is that he's playing his exact same character from Speed and he can't even get it right. Somebody also forgot that Seagal is a martial artist. Instead of making him one in the movie, they make him a bomb expert. So he never fights anybody. His character actually just sat down through most of the movie except to stand up for ONE fight scene in which it is practically impossible to see due to awful lighting, bad editing, bad camera angles and the amount of fat on his body flabbing around all over the place. But at least everybody actually attempted to try. Sizemore, the poor guy, he tries really hard to deliver his lines but the lines are so stupid that it doesn't matter how hard he tries. The rest of the cast is filled out with rap stars. Nas, Chili from TLC and Ice T. Even THEY seem too GOOD for this movie. To make matters worse....Artisan released this movie. I would be more forgiving if this movie was put out by Craptastic Films or something, but this is Artisan. The studio that gave us Requiem for a Dream gives us Ticker?? Good Lord. Avoid this movie at all costs. Do not even take money to watch it.

3. Blood and Donuts - It takes a lot to be so bad that you can't even joke about how bad something is. Blood and Donuts reaches that level. This movie is bad. Not funny bad or campy bad. Not MST3K worthy. Just complete garbage from start to finish. Plot? It's about a vampire that lives in a donut shop and fights mobsters led by David Cronenberg. This movie is so bad that it gives me a headache thinking about it. Next.

4. Monkeybone - I will not argue with anybody on that point. It is the worst movie OF ALL TIME. If you disagree, do not walk....RUN to your neighborhood looney-bin and strap yourself in for some electroshock. This movie is an atrocious mistake that never made any sense for even one second of screen time. If I was a wizard I would cast a spell to banish this movie to the netherworld, never to return. It takes pure brilliance to make a movie THIS bad. You can't just accidentally make something this horrid. It takes skill. So I look forward to Henry Selick's (director of the totally over-rated Nightmare Before Christmas) next nutty turd that he decides to polish into a movie.

5. Grim - Grim was the worst movie ever until we saw Monkeybone. I can not tell you anything about this movie. We were so completely lost watching this movie that we just quit. Terrible story about an evil monster who lives under an upper class neighborhood. Silly, slow and dreadfully dull. Painful.

6. I, Zombie - This was the movie that was the worst movie ever until we watched Grim and then we watched Monkeybone. This is very weird. It started out like your average zombie flick but later crash-dived into some moving heartfelt drama like 'Fried Green Zombies' or something, This dumbass gets bitten by a random zombie and instead of turning into a zombie himself, he just begins to decay. Instead of getting help for his condition he just figures he'll be a zombie and live that way. So here's this dying zombie living in his apartment, jerking off to pictures of his dead wife. Hell, I don't know. I think this was supposed to be some kind of subversive thing about zombie-itis being like AIDS or something but I didn't care because the movie was so piss-poorly made. Don't watch this. Watch Fried Green Tomatoes instead.

7. The Monster of Camp Sunshine - Part two of a monster in a nudist camp double feature along with The Beast that Killed Women. A scientist carelessly dumps some toxic waste into a river. The gardener at a nudist camp drinks the water, turns into a monster and attacks all the nudists. Does it really get any better than that? I hope so cause this movie SUCKED! I never saw the monster and I never saw any naked chicks. And after watching the awesome Beast that Killed Women's man in a monkey suit chasing naked girls hijinx, this movie was nothing at all. It just wasn't even there. Nothing happened. It was like an "arty" monster in a nudist camp movie. If you get this double feature from Something Weird home video, don't bother with this one. Just watch Beast twice.

8. Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde - Take the classic novel, set it in modern day Hong Kong and make it a terrible pilot for a TV series produced by Francis Ford Coppola and you get a very bad movie. I'm not really gonna say much about this because I've got a FULL REVIEW of this idiotic masterpiece on the way. So just wait for that.

9. The Horrible Doctor Bones - With a great title like that you expect something at least fun to watch. At least they were smart enough to put the word "horrible" in the title so I should've known what I was getting into. I kinda figure that the movie was originally just called Dr. Bones and after they finished it they went ahead and name it The Horrible Dr. Bones to warn people like the crazy old man in every horror movie that tells the kids that they're doomed and screams CURSED at everybody. Much like the kids in every horror movie, we didn't pay any attention to the warning. The "plot" consists of a music producer wanting to take over the world by combining rap with voodoo. So he finds this really bad rap group and tries to use them to do some wacky crap. Hell, I don't know. It just sucked. I don't need to talk about how bad the writing and acting and all that was. It goes without saying. Nothing was good in here. Not one redeeming value.

10. The Killer Tongue - Sounded good going in. A killer tongue. Robert Englund. What could go wrong? Well, we watched it. That was wrong. This movie is so absurd that you can never explain what it's about. I almost have to recommend watching it just so you can see how bad it is for yourself. It's something about a 10-foot, flesh-eating, talking tongue that lives inside a woman named Candy who is waiting for her boyfriend to be released from jail. Trying to lay low, she becomes a nun and lives in a gas station out in the middle of a desert. While eating a bowl of soup some...."thing"....comes from outer space and lands in her soup. She eats it and the killer tongue takes over her body. She then becomes slave to the mighty tongue and has to feed it a lot of human flesh. After typing that, I don't know how we got all the way through it.

Well, that's the end, so far. I'm sure these lists will change in the future as we continue on our journey through the worst Hollywood has to offer. So, look out, there could be a new list posted in the future.


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