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" The Gravel Pit "
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Wrestling
2003 In Review Part 1: The Road to Wrestlemania
Posted by Nik Johnson on Dec 3, 2003, 14:58
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2003 is almost over already, and it�s been a wild year in WWE with� not a lot going on. The biggest news of the year was Vince McMahon�s increasing panic over the ratings leading to the WWE debut of Bill Goldberg, and return of Wife Beater Steve Austin. Kane lost his mask, while Triple H consistently retained His title. Over on SmackDown!, Brock Lesnar won his second WWE title in 6 months, . This was also the year of goodbyes, as Jeff Hardy, D�Lo Brown, Bull Buchanon, Raven and several others took the long walk down to the Indies. Oh, and there was Nathan Jones.
Let�s take a walk back down memory lane, starting (surprisingly) with January.
The Road to... The Royal Rumble
Raw started the year pretty much as it continued: Horrible wrestling. The Dudley Boyz (apparently the �z� is back in fashion) took on the awesome team of Rosey, Jamal and a pre-Evolution Batista. �Pre-Evolution Batista� can be read two ways; both are appropriate. Anyway, the winner is of no consequence, but the match took place because Eric Bischoff was showing us how EEEEVIL he can be. Supposedly evil to the Dudley Boyz, but you should really pity the viewers who sat through it.
At this point, Triple H was feuding with Legitimate Main Eventer (We Promise) Scott Steiner, and although the feud had been dragging for a few weeks, they were yet to fight each other.
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| HHH + Steiner: Gay |
So in a segment that marks the other distinguishing feature of Raw, there was a... Super Posedown. That�s right, a long dragging segment with zero purpose, zero wrestling and Triple H being put over.
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| Steiner + HHH: Gay |
The following week, they out-do themselves in another boring, stupid fucking segment: Bench pressing. It follows the same pattern as the Super Posedown: HHH acts gay, Steiner acts gay. HHH acts gay, Steiner acts gay. And so on. This week though, it�s Steiner who gets the upper hand by attacking and stripping Triple H. Yes, stripping.
Booker T and Goldust lost their tag titles to the UnAmerican Lance Storm and William Regal. There�s nothing interesting there, I just need to keep you informed of all the title changes � no matter how stupid and banal.
It means �boring�.
This ended up with Vince McMahon giving the Dudleyz a tag title shot at the Rumble. To get it straight: Bischoff and his lackey Chief �Val Venis� Morely hate The Dudleyz. Vince hates Bischoff. The Dudleyz want the tag titles. So a feud involving two non-wrestlers, Val Venis and the Dudleyz gets turned into a match between the Dudleyz and two guys who happen to be tag champs.
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| Vince + Bischoff: Blow job demo |
General Manager Eric Bischoff is given 30 days by Vince McMahon to turn around Raw or he�s fired. Apart from that sentence being horribly constructed, it�s wrong in two respects: Eric Bischoff isn�t given 30 days, and he doesn�t turn Raw around, but still keeps his job. We�ll get onto that in a minute, though.
Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels are also feuding at this point, and much like HHH and Steiner, are yet to wrestle each other. Jericho announces his entry in the Royal Rumble, but is interrupted by HBK, who puts himself in the match too, and dares Jericho to enter as #1 (like Shawn did, to win the match back in 1995.) The following week, Vince McMahon sets up an �over the top� match between RVD, Kane, Jericho and Batista, with the winner choosing their position in the Rumble, apart from #1. HBK is 1. Jericho wins, and stupidly chooses #2 As if proving a point to Shawn Michaels is more important than giving yourself an excellent chance of going to Wrestlemania.
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| Wedding: Retarded |
SmackDown! Opened the year with the wedding of the year: Not Ben and J�Lo, but Dawn Marie and Al �Torrie�s father� Wilson. In their underwear. This was to further the horrible, neverending feud between Torrie and Dawn, that had been going on for over two months at this point. The horror isn�t over, as next week we�ll be treated to their honeymoon video. Mmm... saggy old flesh. And Al Wilson.
I�ll skip the majority of the honeymoon video, but suffice to say that it is as hardcore as WWE porn ever gets � Dawn Marie rolling around in her underwear. Al Wilson then dies of a heart attack. He must have seen Dawn�s cock.
Then, of course there�s the funeral. Complete with Dawn Marie in a low cut top, and a fight with Torrie. Classy stuff. Of course, if you�re booking an angle that involves a lot of acting, you should probably check whether, y�know, they can FUCKING ACT. Since neither of them can act, and neither can wrestle... what�s this doing on TV? Oh yeah� Torrie is hot.
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| Team Angle: Awesome |
Team Angle, Kurt�s �insurance policy� (they run in and save his furniture if his house catches fire) wrestle their first match, against Benoit and Edge. The match runs about 20 minutes, and is every kind of awesome. WWE Champion Kurt costs them the match by hitting Benoit while he has Shelton Benjamin in a crossface.
The following week, the same thing happens, only without Edge or Charlie Haas. Post match, there�s a three on one badass beatdown on Benoit, which shows how much Team Angle rule � even after only two matches � until Edge comes out for the save.
Another awesome tag match � this time all three members of Team Angle vs. Edge and Benoit, albeit with a strange finish � Benoit is DQed for crossfacing Angle, since Angle isn�t the legal man. Still, the WWE Main Event Theory goes that whoever gets the last laugh on the show before the PPV will lose the match. But Angle wins, so that theory is 0 for 1 already.
The Big Show challenges Brock Lesnar to a match at the Royal Rumble � winner gets to enter the Royal Rumble. This is based off of their feud at the end of 2002, with Show being the first person to pin Lesnar, winning the WWE title from him at Survivor Series. Show is now with Paul Heyman, who cuts several promos on Brock.
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| Rey: Small |
In a strange match, Big Show and A-Train are beaten by Brock and Rey Mysterio in less than a minute, just to put over how tough Show is. Or not.
Also on SmackDown!, we start with some promos for a new wrestler~! An Australian guy called Nathan Jones, a former WWA world champion (how�s THAT for prestige?!) He�s big, tough looking and will DEFINITELY be a major player in the future.
Bwahahahaha
Royal Rumble
Raw Tag Titles: The Dudley Boyz vs. Lance Storm and William Regal
William Regal is still in his Brass Knucks phase here, as he had been for the last forever, and I�m sure he will be until his leg swells up and he can�t wrestle again. D�Von uses Regal�s knucks in a shocking piece of irony, and gains the tag titles for the millionth time.
RAW World title: HHH vs. Scott Steiner
Oh yes. This match. It�s a match that has to be seen to be believed, and recapping isn�t my thing, so I�ll avoid the play by play. In fact, I�ll summarise it as briefly as I can:
Overhead suplex
Overhead suplex
Overhead suplex
Steiner gets blown up
Overhead suplex
Overhead suplex
Triple H does stuff
Overhead suplex
Overhead suplex
Sledgehammer
Disqualification
HHH retained the belt in one of the worst World Title matches I�ve seen in years (and yes, I�m including Hogan vs. Taker in that.)
Both Steiner and the end of the match were booed to Hell, which is where both of them deserve to be. It was really, really brutal to watch. So WWE do the obvious thing... continue the feud for another month.
Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar [winner enters the Royal Rumble]
Brock wins with an F5, in a pretty pedestrian match. Was there any doubt though, really? Of course not, which has been a recurring problem throughout the year. If Brock was always going to win the match, and everyone fucking knew it, then it�s not an exciting match. Heyman sold it awesomely in his promos, pointing out who beat Brock first, and how Brock can�t beat the Big Show, but it just wasn�t believable.
Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson
Ugh. WWE Women�s wrestling has never been good, and WWE Women�s wrestling between two Divas� have never been watchable. Another terrible effort, rendering the whole feud and several HOURS of TV time wasted. But hey... Torrie�s hot, right?
WWE title: Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit
A fantastic, show saving effort, with Angle winning cleanly with the Anklelock. Everything that can be said about the greatness of this match has already been said, although some feel that Angle�s selling let the match down. I�ll leave that to everyone else to argue about � I enjoyed it!
Royal Rumble
Notable moments, then:
HBK and Jericho start out as number one and two respectively. Christian comes out to Jericho�s music, and Jericho jumps HBK from behind. Shawn is first out, in a shocking move.
Christian attempts to make up with Edge, but eats a spear.
Edge and Rey attempt a double dropkick from the top, but Edge misses his cue, and breaks Nowinski�s nose.
Bull Buchanon (B2 as he was known then) gets the Bushwhacker treatment (straight in, straight out).
Shannon Moore and Matt Hardy are gold together, as Shannon does EVERYTHING he can to stop Matt being eliminated. Including laying on his back outside the ring with his legs in the air, to stop Matt hitting the ground, and also getting in the way of a Swanton Bomb. Mattitude rules!
Shawn returns to attack Jericho, allowing Test to throw him out of the ring. This was about � of the way through the match, killing the crowd. With Jericho gone, the winner was obviously going to be...
...Brock Lesnar, who comes out at 29.
Undertaker returns from injury as number 30, and despite a video package that gave the impression he�d be the Old Skool Undertaker, sadly he�s the same old crappy one.
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| Taker: Old |
Taker does all the eliminations, and Brock luckily eliminates him for the win. This brings his first year achievements to:
- King of the Ring
- Royal Rumble Winner
- WWE Champion
- Hell in a Cell winner
- Beating Hulk Hogan
- Beating The Undertaker
- Beating The Rock
Not bad at all. Just remember that next time Linda says that it takes time to build new stars.
The Road To� No Way Out
So, HHH vs. Steiner continues into another month. Steiner wants a rematch IMMEDIATELY, but HHH says no. He must have seen the tape. Still, the only thing they could do that�s worse than HHH vs. Steiner is something like, I dunno... Batista vs. Steiner. Which, of course, they do.
This leads to a Randy Orton run-in, and the start of Evolution; HHH�s stable of Flair (the past of wrestling), HHH (the present of wrestling) and Batista + Randy Orton (useless). HHH gets a face pop for his Pedigree on Steiner.
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| Evolution: 75% suck |
Showing just how EVIL Orton and Batista, and how RETARDED creative are, Randy and Dave attack Goldust, throwing him into an electrical box. A minor attack, but the cuntsequences are important. Kinda.
Steiner beats Jericho in a number one contender�s match, meaning that he has another match with HHH at No Way Out. See, I never understood matches like this � the feud is established, so go with the logical match. There was no need to have Jericho job again, when Steiner is obviously nowhere near World Title material, making the whole thing an exercise in futility... but I won�t get into a rant.
After squashing Tommy Dreamer in about 30 seconds, Batista joins up with the rest of the crew, and announces their name: Evolution. So many jokes, so little time.
The other big feud on Raw at this time was Bischoff vs., well, Vince McMahon, I suppose. After the �you have 30 days to turn Raw around� last month, Bischoff has made it his mission to re-hire Stone Cold Steve Austin. Austin, of course, had his little temper tantrum last year, and went home to beat his wife. So Bischoff invites him to return at No Way Out.
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| Bischoff: Evil |
Austin doesn�t reply (in fact � he isn�t seen at all), so we�re treated to hilarious (read: fucking stupid) scenes of Eric Bischoff walking around San Antonio, Texas looking for him. It should be noted that around now, the time Bischoff has left has been changed to one week, screwing him out of 8 days. You think that someone in WWE offices had a fucking calendar. Anyway, Bischoff plays run around in a couple of houses, and then some bars, before smashing a beer bottle over a random redneck�s head. Why? Because he�s EVIL.
Eric Bischoff calls out JR, and fires him until he finds Austin. Vince McMahon calls out Bischoff and fires him for not finding Austin. To drag this out to two segments, Vince lets us know who the new General Manager of Raw is... Eric Bischoff. But only because he has guaranteed Austin at No Way Out, and literally kisses Vince�s ass. Oh yea � the Kiss My Ass club is back, baybee. If you�re ever asked �how do you make the return of arguably the most popular American professional wrestler seem totally stupid before he�s even been on TV?�, then you have your answer.
After being eliminated by Test in the Royal Rumble, Jericho is out for revenge~! They have a pretty crappy little match on Raw, which ends with a chairshot missing Test and hitting Stacy. Well, it hit the ringpost, but she sold it anyway.
The following week, a Jericho apology quickly turns into him and Christian hilariously pointing out that Test should have been a man and not ducked the shot. HBK gets involved, and tells Jericho about being a man.
Test and Stacy make their big comeback, and take another verbal beating from Jericho. Christian attempts a beatdown, but Test kicks his ass. See: every other big guy / little guy confrontation.
Test kicks Christian�s ass again the next week, this time in a match. Post match, Jeff Hardy saves Stacy from Christian, in an ending that was completely out of nowhere. Jericho challenges Hardy to a match because of that. It should be noted that at this point, Jeff is in the "majorly fucked up drug taker" stage of his career, right before he became "unemployed majorly fucked up drug taker."
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| Jeff Hardy: Musician |
The result of this is a tag team match between Christian and Jericho, against Jeff Hardy and Shawn Michaels. Test who?
Black pride made a really welcome return, with D�Lo Brown pointing out how oppressed he is. He�s oppressed for being a shit wrestler, not because he�s black, but there you go. Teddy Long has retired his refereeing duties, and is now joining the fight against The Man. He could have kept his job and brought WWE down from the inside, much like I suspect Vince McMahon is. After doing nothing of consequence, Brown is fired, and replaced with Rodney �Red Dawg� Mack, who jumped from SmackDown! without explanation.
The main event of Wrestlemania is now set, of course � Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle. Also on SmackDown! this month, we have the return of THREE former WWF champions!
The Undertaker makes his first call out since his return: The Big Show. See, the Big Show threw Taker off the stage last year, and now Taker wants his revenge. Show says no, and sends out A-Train to job instead.
A week later, and Taker is still waiting. Big Show doesn�t come out, so the person who takes the beating on his behalf this week is... Brian �Spanky� Kendrick. On a child�s bike. Dressed in a silly outfit. Singing. And they wonder why they have problems building new stars. Spanky, of course, gets beaten down.
Another week, another beating. Paul Heyman brings out a huge wooden crate, which contains a surprise for the Undertaker. Big Show isn�t here tonight, so don�t worry. Nosiree. Surprisingly, Big Show ISN�T in the box, it�s Brother Love, who is the most fucking irritating person ever. Why him? He was The Undertaker�s first manager, before Paul Bearer. Of course, he eats a chokeslam and tombstone.
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| Spanky: Sad |
Another week, another beating. Paul Heyman brings out a huge wooden crate, which contains a surprise for the Undertaker. Big Show isn�t here tonight, so don�t worry. Nosiree. Surprisingly, Big Show ISN�T in the box, it�s Chris Kanyon, who ith thinging Culture Club. Thtupid. He, of course, gets beaten down.
Another week, another beating. Paul Heyman brings out two huge wooden crates, which contains a surprise for the Undertaker. Big Show isn�t here tonight, so don�t worry. Nosiree. Surprisingly, Big Show ISN�T in the first box, it�s a puppy. And in the second box� nothing. Big Show jumps Taker from behind.
Team Angle lose to Benoit and Edge in singles matches, causing Angle to bitch them out and then go on to beat Rey Mysterio. This causes a three on one beatdown on Angle, from Benoit, Edge and Rey.
In a number one contender�s match (winners get Los Guerreros next week), Team Angle beat Edge and Benoit. Of course they use a Kurt Angle beltshot, but that�s what makes them so awesome. A clean finish would have been nice, but you have to remember that Team Angle have been on TV for less than two months.
Team Angle beat Los Guerreros with an Oklahoma Roll in another fantastic match � putting TA at 4 for 4 in great tag matches.
We�re treated to an Angle / Benoit rematch, with Angle cleanly retaining again. Post match we have a customary Team Angle beatdown on Benoit, with Edge and Brock making the save.
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| Vince + Steph: Ego |
Angle offers Stephanie a flower for Valentine�s day, in a nice nod back to the Summer 2000 storyline. He�s interrupted by Brock, and the obvious 6 man tag is on for No Way Out.
Oh � and it�s Angle vs. Brock � Next week! And if you believe that, you�ll believe anything.
Of course there�s a bait and switch, so Brock must beat both of Team Angle in singles matches. He finishes off Charlie Haas with an F5, and Shelton Benjamin with an Angle Slam. Then just seconds into the main event, Paul Heyman hits Brock with a chair to draw the DQ.
And here are your first two former WWF champions: Hulk Hogan, who milks the applause for 15 minutes, without fucking doing anything. Wait � he�s been doing that for 20 years now. Vince interrupts, but gets punched for his trouble. Thanks for trying anyway, Vinny.
The following week, Vince tells us nothing new; Hogan is washed up and old. No shit. Yet you�re still paying him HOW much? Still, Vince wants to drag the feud out for a month more, and sets up a match at No Way Out between Hulk Hogan and� Returning WWF Champion #3, The Rock!
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| Rock: Cool |
Bald Rocky can�t work out why the fans are booing him, but then it comes to him: Philly fans are jealous of greatness. (�But Rock... why are they booing you?�)
Hogan comes out for an interview, but is interrupted by the Rock. He tells Hogan to skip the posing, since it�s boring. Way to go! Rock leaves for his dinner, and Hogan (eventually) lets us know that Vince is full of shit. Then he outdoes himself for stupid comments, and calls Rock, �The Rock of Jabroni�. Christ, after 15 years, you think WWE would know better than to allow him to just say what he wants. Dude. Brother. Mean Gene.
Rock interrupts his own promo to take a cell phone call, and finishes up by banning the fans from sing-a-long with the Rock. Well � if they will boo him.
After beating Shannon Moore, Billy Kidman is beaten down by Matt Hardy. In a Grudge Match (actually, it wasn�t billed as one, but it SHOULD HAVE BEEN) Kidman beat Hardy with a fluke roll-up, and Hardy promises to make weight for the CruiserWeight division.
This is done on a strict diet, causing him to collapse against Rey Mysterio. But the match at No Way Out is ON~!
Following a squash from Rikishi, Nunzio warns about �his people�. These are forgotten about for a couple of weeks, then turn out to be Johnny Stamboli (who jumped from Raw without warning), and Chuck Palumbo (who is now heterosexual, and Italian without warning.)
Stamboli loses to Rikishi, putting the FBI (Full Blooded Italians) at 0 for 2 against him.
Sean O�Haire has some AWESOME promos, where he tells you not to pay taxes, to cheat on your wife and to not go to church. But hey � he�s not telling you anything you don�t already know.
He then debuts, and tells Spanky to streak, thus making Spanky all that more cool. Of course, that�s a lie, and it�s a stupid segment.
No Way Out
Chris Jericho v. Jeff Hardy
Test missed his flight, making this match instead. It still sucks, though. Shawn Michaels makes his first return to Montreal since that Sharpshooter, and gets a surprisingly un-hostile reaction (compared to the hell that Hebner and McMahon get every time, anyway.)
RAW tag title: William Regal & Lance Storm v. Rob Van Dam & Kane
I haven�t recapped the feud, because it was so rubbish (and not funny-rubbish like Scott Steiner). The match is the same. Kane accidentally chokeslams RVD to give Regal and Storm the win. Kane hurts Regal by bouncing his head off the mat during a bodyslam.
RAW World title: HHH v. Scott Steiner II
Stuff happens, and Triple H wins with the Pedigree. Horrible, horrible stuff. Steiner got booed for almost everything he did, so there�s one redeeming thing about the match. Nothing else though. Nope.
Steve Austin vs. Eric Bischoff
Bischoff wins cleanly with a Stunner, after beating Austin down for a minute. Of course not. Austin comes out, mugs for the crowd, stunners Bisch three times and wins. Would it happen any other way? Of course not, it�s Stone Cold "can�t touch this" Steve Austin.
Cruiserweight title: Billy Kidman v. Matt Hardy
Matt wins with a contrived top rope twist of fate, to become the Cruiserweight champion. I recall him saying in an interview that he didn�t really make weight, but it doesn�t matter anyway.
Edge takes a beating backstage, although we don�t see why. This is because of real life neck injuries, and will be the last time we see him this year.
Undertaker vs. Big Show
Horribly tedious match, as every match involving one of these two is. Luckily, the fast forward on my DVD player allows you to watch at 32 speed, so I managed to sit through it. Taker wins with a triangle choke, after pretty much constantly getting the upper hand through the feud. I can understand that �revenge� feuds should be ended with the guy getting revenge, but after destroying everyone that came near him� ugh.
Team Angle vs. Chris Benoit & Brock Lesnar
With Edge injured, this is now a handicap match. Same thing we�ve seen on SmackDown! every week for the last two months, which is a shame, but still worth watching. Charlie Haas taps out to the Crossface, as Angle takes an F5.
Rock vs. Hulk Hogan
Capitalising, of course, on their Wrestlemania X8 match. All anyone remembers about that match is the crowd heat, because that�s all it had going for it. Rocky is in full heel mode, mocking Hogan by wearing his bandana. Oh, and he�s selling everything like a maniac, too. Silly match ending, with the lights going out, and the referee going down. Vince hands Rocky a chair, who pastes Hogan with it. The referee suddenly wakes up and counts the pin.
The Road to... Wrestlemania XIX
The Road to Wrestlemania opens with a bang: The Rock on Raw! I cannot over emphasise how awesome the Rock is. He berates Toronto for booing him at Wrestlemania X8, and won�t allow them to �sing-a-long with the Rock�.
We have the first great Rock / Hurricane interaction, as Hurricane mocks the Scorpion King. If you can find a copy of this, lie, cheat and steal to get it.
Another great interaction, as Hurricane hides in Rock�s wardrobe. I�m watching this again now, and even 10 months later, it�s hilarious. Hurricane thinks that the Rock is scared of Steve Austin.
Talking of Austin, he makes his return to Raw. Bischoff sets up a �welcoming committee� of:
3 Minute Warning and Rico
Lance Storm
Jericho and Christian
Chief Morley
Chris Nowinki, but he�s promptly 3Ded by the Dudleyz.
Anyway, this, of course worries Austin so much that he just drives at them. He comes out to a smaller ovation than you�d expect, and is promptly interrupted by Rocky. Rock warns him that the fans will turn on him when he gets popular, and says that he�s done it all. Except to beat Stone Cold Steve Austin at Wrestlemania. (Austin is up 2 -0 there: Wrestlemania XV and X7). Bischoff says that if Rock can beat Booker T next week, he can choose Austin or HHH at Wrestlemania. That TOTALLY seems like a decision you get in a SmackDown! game.
Next week, Rock decides he DOESN�T want to face Booker T. He doesn�t care about decisions � he just wants Austin. So the match with Booker is cancelled and replaced with Rock vs� someone. It should be noted that the real reason Rock didn't want to face Booker was that he didn't want to put him over, and then have HHH beat him at Wrestlemania.
Hurricane shows up backstage and he�s the opponent tonight! Rock hits a cheapshot after another funny segment. I feel bad for not recapping these in any detail, but it has to be seen to be funny � describing a joke always sucks. Still, if you�ve seen it you know what I mean, and if you haven�t, then� tough.
Bischoff calls out Austin, and offers him a handshake. He gets the finger. Rock arrives, and says he wants to slap Austin. Austin invites him to take a free shot, but The Rock won�t get into the ring � he wants to save himself for WRESSSSSSTTTTLLLLEMAAAANIA~! Austin turns to attack Bischoff, but Rock slides into the ring, and as Austin turns back, he leaves again. This is pure gold, and the best Raw offered all year. Bischoff announces Austin vs. Bischoff II, next week.
So Rock vs. Hurricane, no superpowers barred. Rock gets in most offence, but Hurricane rolls him up for the win as Austin comes out and stares down the Rock!
Austin vs. Bischoff is hyped as a lumberjack match for the whole show, but is changed to no DQ, so that the Rock can interfere. Despite a Rocky Stunner and attempted People�s Elbow, as well as interference from Chief Morley, Austin hands out Stunners all round, to win. Rock lays him out afterwards, and sips some beer like a little girl.
Next week, Austin holds a sit in until he can get his hands on the Rock. The show starts around him, with Test coming out for his match. He eats a Stunner, so Lance Storm runs out to quickly get the pin. Austin counts the fall, and Stunners Lance. Austin gets escorted out by cops, as Bischoff produces a restraining order. Rock sings �Jailhouse Rock� as he leaves, and there�s a Rock Concert� Tonight!
Oh, but here�s Austin hanging around in the parking lot. Bisch�s going to make Austin�s life hell.
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| Rock + Austin: Overplayed |
So we have the Rock Concert. See, that�s clever because he�s CALLED �The Rock�, and he PLAYS Rock. A truck comes out to the ring, and of course it�s Steve Aus� wait, it�s the Hurricane. He gets arrested, and Austin is in the back and gets to smash up the Rock�s guitar.
Goldust is back after being electrocuted by Evolution. In a s s sss s ss ss ss ssss s sit down in in int I I in int interview (I�ll stop with the annoying letter repeating � if only WWE had done, too) with J.R, he apparently has Tourette�s Syndrome.
In fact, it�s so shitty and stupid that I won�t mention it again.
Jericho and Christian have a match with Stacy and Test, and wind up with Test in handcuffs, and Stacy in the Walls. She sells it by... crying. Unintentionally hilarious. HBK makes the save.
Next week, Jericho shows footage of Test signing some girl�s boob, causing problems between Test and Stacy. Jericho beats Test, and him and Christian attack him with chairs. Stacy is next, but guess who makes the save. Go on� yup, shockingly HBK is back. Jericho lays him out with a chair, and challenges him at Mania.
After beating Kane and RVD with Christian, Jericho is superkicked by HBK. This feud has been attack after attack with nothing to fill in the blanks.
Jericho and Christian take on Test and Scott Steiner, in a reprise of the feud. Stacy takes a fall off the apron, and Steiner catches her, setting up 4 months of shitty Test / Scott matches.
Pre-PPV staredown between Jericho and HBK ends with Jericho saying that he wants to be himself, because he�s BETTER than Shawn. Can�t argue with that. He slaps Shawn, to prove his point.
Kane defeats Lance Storm in about a minute, and the Dudleyz cozt Chief Morley a match againzt Jerry Lawler. This is going somewhere; the Dudleyz get suspended.
If Spike can beat Chief Morley, then his brothers are unsuspended. He�s squashed to all hell.
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| RVD + Kane: Midcard 4 Lyfe |
Okay then, if D-Von Dudley can beat Chief Morley and Lance Storm, then both Dudleyz are unsuspended. Morely pins him cleanly. This shit is boring as anything.
After a tag team match between Chief Morley and Lance Storm against Kane and RVD, the Dudleyzzzzz make their return� and attack the faces! They explain that they don�t want to be evil, but they need the money. I think that was Hitler�s explanation, too.
Regal and Lance Storm are the tag champs at this point, but Regal has been off injured since Kane smashed his head on the mat. Chief Morely strips Lance and Will of the belts and announces new champions: Himself and Lance. Kane and RVD will face the Dudleyz in a number one contender match, with the winners getting the shot at Wrestlemania.
Morely and Storm fuck up their interference, so D�Von eats chokeslam and 5*. Kane and RVD are going to Wrestlem, er, HeAT~!
Bischoff announces a 20 man Battle Royal (I remember the days when Royal had an �e� on the end. Battle Royale is so much cooler) for the #1 contendership: Winner gets HHH at Wrestlemania. After eliminating the Rock, Booker T picks up the win.
The following week, Booker is elated to be going to Mania, but Triple H isn�t so sure. Apparently now he�s a racist too, as he calls Booker T �nappy hair�, and says he�s �just� an entertainer. I�m not sure WHY the hell he�s doing this all of a sudden, except to (genuinely) be a colossal dick to Booker.
Booker resents that, so he cuts a promo saying that he IS an entertainer, but he still wanted to kick the crap out of HHH for saying it. It�s like when everyone knows something, but nobody can actually say it. Like �having a wrestler fucking the bosses daughter is probably bad for business.� Flair says that HHH won�t lower himself to Booker�s level, because he isn�t World Title material. Flair takes a beating for that, as does Triple H, who is washing his hair backstage.
The following week, HHH calls out Booker, but gets f ff ff ff ffff ff f fucking Goldust. Goldust gets laughed at, and beaten down. Booker comes out to help, and the faces clean house. HHH wants Goldust tonight.
HHH squashes Goldust
HHH and Flair take on Booker T and Goldust in the obligatory pre-PPV tag match, and Booker actually gets the win.
Trish faces Jazz in a number one contender match � winner gets Victoria at Wrestlemania. After 20 seconds, Victoria runs in with a beltshot each. That was� that.
Trish and Jazz then team up to take on Victoria and Steven Richards. Jazz won�t accept Trish�s tag, and leaves Trish to be beaten down. Jeff Hardy comes out to make the save, and kisses Trish.
In an intergender match, Trish Stratus & Jeff Hardy take on Steven Richards & Victoria. Trish gets the pin, and is beaten down by Jazz. Can you see where THIS feud is going? Three way, anyone?
Vince boasts about screwing Hogan at No Way Out. Hogan challenges him to a fight at Wrestlemania. They argue over who created Hulkamania.
Oh, and Hulk never said "Thank you" to Vince. Or to his steroid dealer.
The match, according to Bob Costas, is like the Old Timers game in baseball.
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| Vince: Asswit |
During a Mean Gene hosted contract signing, Vince pretends to be walking to the ring, but attacks Hogan and signs the match in Hogan's Blood. He's EEEVVVILLLLL. Or senile.
In another Attack Of The 80s, Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart returns to help Hogan.
Vince gets in some last minute training, in a funny segment with Shane.
Torrie Wilson is "allowed" to pose for Playboy by Stephanie McMahon. Thanks Steph!
This leads to an exciting "press conference" about it, and any excuse to mention it.
PLAYBOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Brian Kendrick (the streaking guy / the singing guy / the guy who put on awesome matches in Ring of Honor and Japan) wants a job, and he can have one if he lasts 5 minutes with Kurt Angle.
In a contrived finish to a squash, Angle wins with the Angle Slam in 4:58. When did the move name officially change from the Olympic Slam? Does it matter?
Matt Hardy offers an open challenge to anyone under 220 pounds, and is challenged by the "Pittsburgh Penguin". If you don't know what that's a reference to, it doesn�t matter at all. Matt is counted out, but retains the title. I'm not sure what they have against Brian Kendrick, who was under the, er, beak, but they are determined to humiliate him.
Brian can have a job if he can beat Shannon Moore. Well, every other fucker has beaten Shannon, so it can't be that hard.
Rey Mysterio defeats Jamie Noble and Tajiri in a triple threat match, earning a title shot at Matt Hardy's CW title, at Wrestlemania.
Matt interferes in the Shannon / Brian match, so Rey comes out to help, and Kendrick gets his job! Despite having wrestled several matches already.
This leads to the inevitable tag match, which Matt wins with the Twist of Fate.
If Brock can beat Shelton and Charlie in a handicap match, he can choose any member of Team Angle to have a cage match with.
After winning with the F5, Brock chooses his victim... Paul Heyman. Fear the workrate~!
If Brock can beat Heyman, he gets Kurt next week.
He can, and he does.
It should be noted here that Kurt Angle seriously injured his neck at No Way Out. It was unclear whether he'd be able to work Wrestlemania, or indeed ever again. The backup plan was to turn Benoit heel, and have him win the title from Kurt just before the show, and then lose it to Brock at Wrestlemania.
So Brock has his match with Kurt. Kurt does his stretches in the corner, and is quickly F5ed by Brock. One... Two... Brock stands up confused! He punks out Team Angle, and turns around, before being quickly rolled up by Kurt Angle for the win! It later turns out that Kurt was replaced by his brother Eric (who took the F5), and then Kurt switched back to get the win. Silly stuff, really. Oh, Michael Cole and Tazz are all "WTF?", despite the replay showing it happening right in front of them.
Kurt and Eric come out to gloat about getting one over on Brock. Stephanie warns that if Kurt gets DQed or there's any shenanigans at Wrestlemania, he forfeits the title.
An Angle Slam onto a chair is enough to "break" Brock Lesnar's ribs.
After having words with the A-Train, Undertaker is beaten down by him and the Big Show. The guy who makes the save is one Nathan Jones. After several promos, this is his big moment to shine, and he misses a kick and stumbles.
Nathan is then due to face Chuck Palumbo, but due to a lack of confidence in his wrestling ability, the match is scrapped in favour of a beatdown.
After a Big Show / A-Train vs. Rhyno and Chris Benoit match (which was rubbish), Nathan Jones attacks Show and Train.
Chris Benoit announces his new tag partner � Rhyno. The soundly defeat Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore.
They also beat Tag Champions Team Angle in a non-title match.
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| Los Guerreros: Cheats |
This sets them up for a number one contender match against Los Guerreros, with the winners going to WrestleMania. Team Angle beat both teams down after an exciting 20 minute match, and are punished by talking to Steph. Sorry, I read my notes wrong: "They are punished by talking to Steph about having to defend against both teams at Wrestlemania.
In singles matches, Charlie Haas cheats to beat Rhyno, while Shelton fears the Crossface, and taps. They always do the "one partner wins, and one loses" thing.
As if to prove me wrong, Los Guerreros then beat Team Angle in singles matches. Bastards.
Nunzio and his crew (Johnny Stamboli and Chuck Palumbo) still suck. They are beaten down by Rikishi, and lose to Los Guerreros, who start to turn face.
Los Guerreros beat down the FBI after their match with Rikishi.
The FBI are the dullest characters that WWE have ever produced.
Los Guerreros do some "wacky" segments, where they take the "cheat 2 win" philosophy, and extend it to the real world, including a hilarious moment on the golf course.
John Cena cuts some raps on Brock Lesnar, and issues an open challenge to a rap-off at Wrestlemania.
WrestleMania
On HeAT, Sean Morley and Lance Storm beat Kane and Rob Van Dam. The Dudleyz 3D Lance, but change their minds and elbow drop RVD to cost them the match. A match that would have been better served on Raw.
Victoria vs. Trish Stratus vs. Jazz
Trish wins the title with the "Chick Kick", as it is named in SmackDown! Here Comes the Pain. I don't know why they bother with a serious women's division. Bra and Panty matches get better ratings, and it's not like the matches are anything to care about.
Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho. Jericho wants to prove he is better than HBK. In one of the best matches of the night, despite HBK winning in a badly booked move, they go for 20+ minutes. A silly roll-up wins it for Shawn.
Triple H beat Booker T with a Pedigree, after a delayed pin. People complained about Triple H not putting Booker over, but he did the honourable thing by sending Booker down to the midcard, while participating in a title match at every available PPV for the rest of the year.
The Rock vs. Steve Austin. In Austin's retirement match, Rock beats him with three Rockbottoms, after both men kick out of each other's finishers, as well as their own. If that makes sense.
Nathan Jones is "injured" on HeAT, so Undertaker beats up Big Show and A-Train on his own. Nathan hits his Big Kick~ to help win the match.
Team Angle vs. Rhyno and Chris Benoit vs. Los Guerreros. In a let down match, Team Angle sneak the win with a quick pin on Chavo.
Vince McMahon vs. Hulk Hogan. This was the most hyped match going into the show, and it's even on the front of the DVD case. The match, as expected, sucked a goat's dick. Notable moments include Rowdy Roddy Piper making his return, a Vince McMahon legdrop from a ladder, through a table, and a whole load of blood.
Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar was the final match, but not the main event. Remember that Kurt is going in not knowing if he'll ever wrestle again. Spoiler: He does. Lesnar botches the finish, landing on his neck from a shooting star press, but has the presence of mind to hit an F5 to win his second World title in six months.
Part two will be up next week, taking us through the Dark Period of the year, from Backlash to Bad Blood. Parts three and four will be up in the weeks following, with part 4 probably arriving in January.
Nik
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