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TNA
SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (Christmas 2003)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Dec 25, 2003, 22:20
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (12/25/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
E-Mail of the Week: Jakefabe chimes in for the second time in several weeks, as he continues to feel that World Wrestling Entertainment has a personal vendetta against him.
Jhawk,
I'll keep this short this week.
5 Reasons why the WWE Still hates me.
#5 - they schedule a SD! TV taping in my hometown (Jacksonville, FL) while I am laid up in bed recovering from surgery. (this is forgivable but it still pissed me off)
#4 - Ryhno vs Faarooq (enough said)
#3 - Vince McMahon in Jacksonville (hide your wallets and your daughters, Vinnie Mac is in town)
#2 - Chris Benoit vs. Palumbo - Poor Chris, first they make you tap to Someone-who-should-not-be-on-the-cover-of-The-new-magazine-50-greatest-WWE-Superstars, now they are making you fight the dreaded mid card. Deep breathes Chris, soon the pain will all go away.........
And the #1 reason the WWE Hates me...
The W-O-R-M - just because Scotty 2 Hotty ( which is the gayest fucking name ever. Yes even worse the Booger Bastion) is in the ring they have to let him hit the worm. Come on, that little gay ass chop couldn't do shit to somebody. And they sell it like it was DEATH! Flopping around like that fag slap could actually hurt. You mean to tell me that some how by him "break dancing" before hand, it makes that much harder? So let me summarize, the "WORM" hurts just as much as the Sit Down Power bomb? Riiiiiiggghtttt.
Damn, and I thought *I* was having a bad week. Yikes.
Forums Quote of the Week: holy shit, Monica Belliuci? I am so seeing this.
BTW, if this movie is supposed to be so realistic then why is Jesus white? -Ravenbomb, on Pope John Paul II blessing Mel Gibson's movie Passion
Christmas in Wrestling Heaven: Since I got it under my Christmas tree, I have been gorging myself on the greatness that is The Ultimate Ric Flair Collection. Great matches, great extras, and a ton of stuff that I haven't seen in years. I'm going to hate tonight's show simply because I've seen so much great stuff today that my mind is beginning to melt. Great stuff, and pick this up immediately if you haven't already.
Tonight: It's Christmas from Iraq on SmackDown (not to be confused with Springtime for Hitler), and we have an interesting lineup. It will be John Cena vs. The Big Show and The APA vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team in previously announced matches, plus one match that ought to steal the show: Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero. It might have entertained the American troops, but will it entertain American wrestling fans?
Segment 1
Tony Chimel asks the troops to rise and salute for the National Anthem.
Taped 12/20/2003 from Camp Victory in Baghdad, Iraq. Michael Coleslaw and Tazz are your hosts, and Mr. McAsshole comes out to address the troops. Theme music and everything! On behalf of WWE, Americans in general, and those who love freedom, thank you. For protecting the nation and fighting for our freedom. "We thank you for kicking ass, taking names, and capturing Saddam!" The troops can't be home for Christmas, so let WWE bring you "a slice of Americana". Cue "Jingle Bells", as Santa Claus makes his way to the ring, and he must be hotter than hell in that outfit. Santa's not here to give Vince a Christmas present. He's here to give a present for the troops. Vince says to save one for him, and it's gift giving time. Tazz: "Santa looks like he might be half in the bag." Santa goes through the crowd handing out T-shirts as Tazz and Cole discuss all things Christmas. How the hell did these troops get hold of poster board? Santa starts to leave, but Vince never got his present. Vince wants to know why Santa never stopped at his house when he was a kid. Santa wants a handshake, Vince refuses...and levels Santa from behind. Off comes the hat and beard...it's Cold Stones Steve Austin to prove that losing your job doesn't stop you from going on business trips. Stunner for Vince, and everything old is new again. Now let's drink some damn beer! Austin wants the mic. He was singing Christmas Carols and got a bit hoarse, but after a few beers, he figured he'd cut the carols and just go back and drink more beer. That's fine with the troops, judging from the "Hell yeah". Then on a serious note, it's an honor and a pleasure to perform for the troops. I have a feeling we're doing a lot of these little speeches tonight. Show Steve the middle fingers, and tell Saddam to shove them up his ass.
Earlier this week, the Army and WWE got together to discuss the safety regulations for the week. If there's sniper fire, find cover and wait until you get the go-ahead. Big Show: "I've been to Atlanta, I'm used to gunfire."
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Cool segment, but it could have been cut from TV altogether and been done as something extra just for the troops (which most people thought was the case anyway). A very cool gesture for the troops though. I gotta say I like the general atmosphere. I like outdoor shows anyway, and everybody seems to actually want to be there so far, which makes for a more entertaining show.
Segment 2
The troops got to help set up the ring. Why was Austin's appearance such a surprise when he's in every single one of these video packages so far?
Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: The World's Greatest Tag Team vs. The APA
Tazz gives Bradshaw credit for helping to put this show together. Faarooq and Shelton Benjamin start. Lockup, into a corner, Shelton kicks away. Corner whip, Faarooq with an elbow. Tackle for 2. Tag to Bradshaw, who pounds away. Shot to the eye for Shelton and a tag to Charlie Haas, but Bradshaw gets a forearm to the back and covers for 2. Bradshaw fights off an incoming Benjamin and powerslams Haas for 2. Faarooq tags in and wants the Dominator, but Haas avoids it, setting up a double team that gives the WGTT control. Series of punches by Benjamin for 2. Haas tagged back in and a double team for 2. Bodyslam. Charge, but Faarooq with a backdrop. Hot tag to Bradshaw. Shoulderblock. Elbow. Benjamin in, and Bradshaw maintains control of both men. DDT to Haas, and Benjamin makes the save at 2. Double shoulder to send Shelton out of the ring, and Bradshaw takes Haas off the top rope with Last Call. Benjamin in with a superkick. Faarooq takes Benjamin down, Haas takes Faarooq down, and Bradshaw hits the Clothesline from Hell on Haas. Salute, cover, pin at 4:39. Before you scream bloody murder, remember, this is for the troops and not for us. Or something. Decent enough. * 1/2
Austin tells Chris BenOIT that the troops are ready for a hell of a match between Benoit and Eddy Guerrero. Doesn't it seem kind of odd to motivate a Canadian with "these Americans want action"?
Rikishi's Ass (and the rest of Rikishi) is next.
A sergeant talks about his family back home.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
If this was a regular show, I would question that booking. But this isn't a regular show. Bradshaw spends pretty much every possible moment going overseas to visit the troops, so it's obvious why he's going to get the pin here. The result means nothing in the grand scheme of things, so no harm done. If only we got a good match out of that, but that might just be nitpicky.
Segment 3
Capt. Jackie Huber gives a holiday greeting to her family. Sgt. First Class Patroni also sends a shoutout to his family.
Torrie Wilson puts on a Santa outfit as she has a Santa's Little Helper Competition tonight.
One fall: Rikishi's Ass (and the rest of Rikishi) vs. Rhyno
Blackhawks circle the skies as Rhyno approaches the ring. Rhyno with a shove, and Rikishi retaliates. Side headlock by Rhyno. Shoulderblock, nothing. Shoulderblock, Rhyno goes down. Rikishi tries to sit down on him, but Rhyno avoids it. Shoulderblock. Punches. Shoulderblock. A couple of forearms, but Rhyno runs into a kick. Rump Shaker, but Rhyno gets the knees up. Rhyno misses a Gore, and Rikishi hits the Samoan drop for the pin at 2:27. So bad that even the troops who are starved for entertainment didn't give a shit. DUD Riksihi gives Rhyno a Stink Face for good measure. Now let's bring in some of the troops to help us dance. Well, at least that got a pop.
The superstars meet the troops, and one tells Vince that even President Bush wasn't met with this much excitement. Well, I'd rather meet Vince McMahon too, so I'll buy that.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
And here I thought that we'd try to put on the best show possible for these troops. Instead they give them this match. Luckily they kept it short, but it's really kind of a sad day. I like Rhyno but he's had a couple of really bad weeks from an in-ring standpoint. That's what happens when you have medicore opposition, I guess.
Segment 4
Spc. Conroe takes the WWE superstars on a helicopter ride to Camp Anaconda to visit some of the troops.
John Cena is on his way to the ring, and apparently he lost a rapoff to one of the troops this week. After this trip, all he has to do to make his Christmas complete is give Torrie a pearl necklace. Tonight, he makes Show look like Saddam Hussein's mugshot. Obligatory crotch reference, and Cena's going to win because this isn't a pie eating contest. "Big Show beating me is like trying to get the French to fight." Saddam never stood a chance, and there's the thank you for the troops.
Austin finds Eddy Guerrero, and Eddy's happy to see him despite getting his push screwed over last week. Austin stirs the pot between Eddy and Benoit.
More troops send some love home.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
They're actually building up the Eddy-Benoit match? By using the guy they were feuding with before he threw a hissyfit and took eight months off? Well, at least they're more or less promising a good match out of it. Not much else of note except Cena's freestyle, which was cool at first before turning into the lovefest for the troops. Nothing wrong with that though.
Segment 5
The troops at Camp Anaconda are partying with the SmackDown crew.
One fall: Eddy Guerrero vs. Chris BenOIT
Lockup, stalemate. Benoit with a headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Eddy with a hammerlock. Headlock takedown. Arm wringer, and he works on the shoulder. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2. Forearm smash. Side headlock. Off the ropes, Benoit with a monkey flip. Chops, and Eddy hides behind the referee. Eddy to the outside, and he puts on a flak jacket. Cole: "Maybe the rulebook is thrown out in Baghdad." Tazz: "There's a rulebook?" Eddy tosses the flak jacket at Benoit, which gives him the advantage. Series of chops. A back suplex counter sequence sends both men over the top rope to the floor...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So far so good, and the troops are appreciative so far. I'm cool with it.
Segment 6
Double wristlock by Benoit as we return from break. Reversal, double reversal. Savate kick by Eddy, and he sends Benoit into the turnbuckle. Up top go both men, and they botch a sunset flip but improvise into an Eddy rollup for 2. Benoit works into a Crippler Crossface, but Eddy counters until they get into the ropes. Turnbuckle smash by Benoit. Chops. Flapjack, then into the rolling German suplexes. Eddy with some elbows, then going for a Tombstone, and Benoit turns it into a shoulderbreaker. Benoit up top, but he misses the diving headbutt. Eddy misses the Frog Splash. A series of reversals ends with Eddy getting a sunset flip and hooking the ropes for leverage for the pin at 11:38. Completely non-formulaic, certainly entertaining, but nowhere near what these two are capable of. **1/2 Eddy returns wearing the flak jacket, and the referee asks him if he used the ropes. A little late now, isn't it? Eddy wants a handshake and says, "Come on, we're in Iraq, holmes" and starts a "USA" chant. Too bad Benoit's Canadian. We get the handshake and hug though.
If you missed Santa Austin hitting Vinnie Mac with the Stunner, here it is again.
Staff Sgt. Vasquez sends love to his family while a group sends general Christmas wishes.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Not the classic match that I was hoping for, but certainly good enough given the time and circumstances. Again, it's not a case of trying to push one person or the other. It's a case of entertaining the troops. And if you can remember that and keep it in perspective, it's all good. But this entire show has to be really pointless for those of you outside the United States, huh?
Segment 7
More troops, more Christmas wishes.
We are exactly one month away from the Royal Rumble in Philadelphia.
The WWE superstars are happy to be here, and if you don't believe it, watch this video package. One troop holds a sign: "Torrie, who's your Baghdaddy?" I gotta admit, that's funny shit there.
No Longer Able Sable still has nice legs, and they'll be seen in the Santa's Little Helper Competition.
Troops give holiday greetings.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Unless you really really really like Sable's legs, there's nothing of note to see here.
Segment 8
The SmackDown crew is taught how to use firearms, and they're told to just hit the ground if they hear something odd. Big Show: "You did say 'hit the ground' and not 'hide behind me', right?"
Santa's Little Helper Competition: Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie vs. No Longer Able Sable
Only Dawn hasn't been on the cover of Playboy, which would disqualify her by default at any other WWE event. Each lady gets to dance for the troops, and the troops will applaud. The loudest pop gets the win. Sable dances first and shows the crowd her ass. Tazz: "Some of these men haven't been home for months, so..." Cole: "Point well taken." Dawn Marie is second. She unties her Santa coat to reveal a small bikini, but leaves the coat on. Tazz: "Here's Torrie. Same song." Torrie actually takes the coat off but is otherwise exactly like Dawn. Sable should win based on originality, but she's a heel and Dawn's just there, so Torrie wins. Sable and Dawn attack immediately, but Torrie removes Sable's coat. This will be replayed on the new FOX special, "When Bitches Attack".
The superstars are sent to the CASH hospital in Baghdad to meet the troops.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Remember, it's for the troops, it's for the troops, it's for the troops...if I keep telling myself that maybe I'll forget how pointless that segment was. But hey, I'm not dead, so I enjoyed the view.
Segment 9
Gen. Art Myers tells us how this means more to the troops than any other celebrity visits. He asks for a repeat next year.
Spc. Harvey and the 240 Quartermaster Company sends well wishes home.
Non-Title Contest scheduled for one fall: The Too Damned Big Show (WWE United States Champion) vs. John Cena
Let me get this straight: A show for American troops that are defending the United States, and they still can't be bothered to have a United States Title match. Why did we bring this title in again? Cena runs in and atacks before the bell, but he is immediately choke slammed for his troubles and roll to the floor. Show pulls him to the apron by his head, but Cena drops him throat first on the top rope. He runs into Show's clothesline though. Show in control. Beell. Headbutt. Cena punches back, but Show gets in a headbutt. And another. Mouth gouge. Abdominal stretch. You'd think a guy 7 foot tall would be able to properly hook the leg for full pressure. Gorilla Monsoon would be proud that I know that. Show misses Cena with a big boot and takes out Brian Hebner instead. Show celebrates and grabs Cena's chain, but Cena with a low blow, and he grabs the chain and levels Show with it. Cena covers, Hebner awakens, and we get a count of 2. Cena avoids a Choke Slam and gets Show down with an FU for the pin at 4:11. Why yes, that was your main event, why do you ask? *
Cue the shattered glass and the arrival of Steve Austin.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Now, that's twice in the last six weeks that Cena has pinned the United States Champion. May we please have an actual title match now? Pretty please. This was pretty much the only somewhat important thing on the entire show from a wrestling standpoint, and they only gave it five minutes. Not that I'm complaining about a short Big Show match, mind you.
Segment 10
Cena and Austin are arguing as the copyright notice comes up nine minutes early, and Austin hits a Stunner. He turns around and gives two to The Big Show. There's his music, and Austin's got the mic. He wants to see Santa's Little Helpers one more time. Hell, while we're at it, bring the rest of the guys that made the trip out here too. Austin actually introduces Vince McMahon and promises not to give him a Stunner. Show staggers to his feet, so Austin gives him another Stunner. He thanks the crowd for giving their all, and there's a celebration for the troops as they chant USA.
Let's give you one last recap of the tour from the press conference on.
END OF SHOW
It wasn't a great segment of TV by any stretch of the imaginiation, but it was a great nod for those troops, and as a result, I'll give WWE props for it. But much like the first segment, it could have been done off-camera as an extra thing for the troops.
Overall, a complete throwaway show, but it's simply impossible for me to hate on it. I mean, I look at it this way. You're reading this and most likely thinking this is a halfassed recapping job. And yeah, it probably was. Hell, this came off as a two hour episode of Confidential that just happened to have some of that wrestling stuff as filler. But this show wasn't about me as a recapper or all of us as wrestling fans. This one was about the American troops, and if they had fun, that's all that matters tonight. It was kind of neat to get the perspective of the wrestlers visiting over there as well as getting a look at some of what goes on with the troops overseas. Factor in that they only took about 15 people with them for the troop, and it was certainly passable given the circumstances.
But if you were really looking forward to watching wrestling tonight, dig out your tape collection.
Feedback is always welcome, and don't forget to check the archives.
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