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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (2/5/2004)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Feb 5, 2004, 21:19
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (2/5/2004)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
No Forums Quote of the Week. I simply wasn't on the Forums enough this week to pick one.
E-Mail of the Week: Last week, I went into what I thought was wrong about Chris Benoit being sent to Raw, and the e-mails from both sides came rolling in. But Michael Branca sent the most thought-provoking e-mail from either school of thought.
Look, regardless of how disinterested in it you are, the money match is Brock/Berg, they've been slightly hinting at it for the last year--screen-wise when they bumped into each other at Summerslam--and hey even the smarks are at war with one another as to whether Benoit has the qualities to headline Mania just like they've been every other time Benoit's been given the ball so to speak.
One announcement of a Goldberg/Benoit trade and this all falls into place.
And Benoit's leaving of WCW had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Kevin Sullivan was gonna screw him (most likely a 4 1/2 min job to Nash at Superbrawl), just he wanted the one title "that meant something", OK.
We KNEW as far back as last summer the plan for Mania was cross-promo brands, so what's the gripe?
Sorry J it just seems like more endless smark bitching. They finally get what they want, then it's not good enough. The few times Benoit has tasted the main events, all I've read ON THIS VERY SMARKBOARD from half the smarkulation is that he can't cut quality promos (I disagree heartily btw but that's what it is). So excuse Vince McMahon for not pushing the guy that all the internet crowd (that according to you, Dames, Scott Keith, Dave Meltzer et al he's supposed to be reaching out for) jizzes over yet much like Chris Jericho gets half-assedly behind when he does get to main event. Meanwhile, the one money match they have left (other than Brock/HHH) they're gonna go ahead and do, and I don't have a problem with it. Even if it means sacrificing a Benoit program to do it. Bottom line, Benoit is STILL the 04 Rumble winner if nothing else. He's gonna be in a main event a show that still has the potential to be one of the biggest in WWE history. And HHH could always end up going to SD and reliving his honeymoon with Miss Piggy and we get Brock on RAW and we finish what we started. So the big deal is? As Jeff Hanneman would say "No time lost".
Hey Benoit had a shot to main against Brock last year. Where was all the hate for Kurt Angle for coming back? Jeemeny Christmas!!!!!!!!!
As I told Michael, my main gripe is WWE insisting on insulting my intelligence, as I keep reviewing the tapes of every show for the last two weeks trying to find out why in the hell Benoit would want Raw's title instead of SmackDown's. The closest thing they've given was "Paul Heyman tried to screw him over", and since the entire point of Benoit wanting to earn the title shot was to stick it to Heyman in the first place, I think we can rule that out as a viable reason. If they actually explained their plot twists once in a while rather than just assuming we're too stupid to realize something's wrong, we wouldn't need "endless smark bitching".
If you want the focus to be on the soap opera plots and not the in-ring action, then make your soap opera plots logical.
Tonight: We'll have the debut of the Rey Mysterio "Crossing Borders" music video. Plus, the often advertised Tag Team Title defense by The Basham Brothers against Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi. Hardcore Holly meets the man who eliminated him from last week's SmackDown Royal Rumble, Kurt Angle. Jamie Noble meets Billy Kidman, we'll have a huge announcement concering WrestleMania, and The Big Show makes his first defense of the United States Championship against...Billy Gunn? Um...forgive me for using that logic thing again, but shouldn't somebody who has actually wrestled a singles match on TV in the last six months get the first shot? Why not just add Ernest Miller against Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title while we're at it?
Segment 1
A recap of last week's Royal Rumble airs as the local news runs a crawl claiming they'll go "behind the scenes of the WWE at 10pm". I actually forgot they were in Cleveland this week.
Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman welcomes us to SmackDown, taped 2/3/2004 in Cleveland, Ohio. Last week, he turned a negative into a positive by having the first Royal Rumble in network TV history. SmackDown became a land of opportunity, and Eddy Guerrero capitalized on it to earn a WWE Title shot at next weekend's No Way Out. But Heyman's not resting on his laurels. He'll produce again tonight, because later on, he'll return to this ring to name the number one contender for the WWE Title at WrestleMania. "We in the television business call that a 'hook'." And anybody who wrestles tonight will have the opportunity to impress the decision maker. Now, another GM like Eric Bischoff would stay out here talking, but not Paul Heyman. "I understand that time is money, and it's time for our very first match of the evening."
For the WWE Tag Team Championship: Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty vs. The Basham Brothers (champions--w/Shaniqua)
After about four cancellations, we finally get the rematch from Scotty and Rikishi's non-title victory in December. Rikishi and Scotty attack from behind, proving that karma is a bitch. Scotty chops away at Doug Basham. Shaniqua on the apron, enabling the Bashams to double team. Doug rams Scotty into the corner. Scotty with some right hands, and then back into the heel corner. Tag to Danny. Elbowdrop for 2. Scooty tries to tag, but Doug tags in and goes after Scotty's neck. A front facelock keeps Scotty away from the corner. Crossface forearms. Neckbreaker for 2. Danny tagged in. Spinning back suplex for 2. Headsmash into Doug's boot, and Doug tags in. Front facelock, and a knee prevents the hot tag. Scotty avoids a suplex and makes the hot tag to Rikishi. Rikishi cleans house, and it's like Terrance and Phillip starring in Asses of Fire. Scotty wants the Worm, but Shaniqua trips him, so Rikishi brings her in the ring. Rikishi wants the Rump Shaker, but Doug makes the save. Flying legdrop for 2. Rikishi catches Doug coming in with a Samoan drop for the pin and the championship at 5:12. They finally give Cleveland a title change, and THAT's it? *1/2
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Actually a fairly decent match all things considered, as the Bashams really came into their own during the last month of their title reign. And there really was no choice but to give the titles to Rikishi and Scotty considering there aren't any other face tag teams that have been on the main show with any regularity to go against the Bashams. And hell, the crowd even popped for it. I doubt anybody's going to remember that match two months from now, but no complaints so far.
Segment 2
Moments ago, we crowned new WWE Tag Team Champions.
Michael Cole and Tazz are your hosts, and they review the SmackDown Royal Rumble, and specifically the attack on Eddy Guerrero and his subsequent comeback victory. Did anybody see Rhyno get eliminated last week?
Coming up next, the U.S. Title is on the line!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
This was a good segment if you missed the show last week, but not so good if you saw it. I saw it, so I was kind of bored, but it was a good way to show you how Eddy Guerrero got his title shot in five minutes or less.
Segment 3
Dawn Marie walks backstage, and she goes into the dressing room of John Cena. He hits on Dawn, and in walks Heyman. Does Cena read the newspaper? See, the FCC is cracking down on indecency in light of the Super Bowl halftime fiasco, and Heyman is looking after the interests of the children. Long story short, Heyman doesn't want to give Cena a live mic, so he's benched...but he's invited to stick around for the big announcement, because he'll find it very interesting.
One fall for the WWE United States Championship: The Too Damn Big Show (champion) vs. Billy Gunn
No discernable reaction for Gunn, who apparently got this shot because he took Show off his feet last week. The Show-Gunns EXPLODE~! Show shoves Gunn down. Lockup, throw down. Right hand by Gunn, and Nick Patrick warns him. Show with a series of knees to the midsection. Slap to the chest. Gunn ducks a clothesline and gets in a jawbreaker. Gunn pulls the top rope down to send Show out to the floor, and Show is PISSED! Gunn slides out as Show comes in and eventually drapes him throat first on the top rope. Series of punches and kicks by Gunn, but he runs into Show's massive forearm smash.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A nice little bit of continuity as Heyman continues the war with Cena, but considering this is Cena's first appearance in Cleveland in over six months, that crowd has to be royally pissed that he doesn't make an in-ring appearance. A smart move considering the knee injury though.
But why does this match, out of all the matches on this show, get the mid-match commercial break treatment? They finally get the hint that guys can't improve in five minute matches, and they experiment with Billy Gunn? I guess I should thank my lucky stars that I didn't have to see the whole thing.
Segment 4
Show with a slap to the chest as we return from break. Boot choke. Show shoves Gunn out of the ring. Gunn rolls back into the ring at 8. Headbutt for 1. Gunn tries to fight back but is dropped with a forearm to the back. Cobra clutch! Show learned a wrestling move! Gunn with two weak punches, and Show dumps him to the mat. Boot choke. Gunn with a few kicks, but Show tosses him into the corner and slaps his chest. Show stands on Gunn's chest. Slingshot. Damn, where'd Show learn that? Back to the cobra clutch. Gunn breaks and hits a clothesline. Another one. He goes for a third, Show tries to counter with a choke slam, but Gunn dropkicks away from it. Fameasser for almost but thankfully not quite 3. He goes for another one, but Show counters into the Choke Slam (sorta) for the pin to retain at 12:14. Decent finish and some actual wrestling by Show saved this one. *
Heyman meets Chavo Guerrero Sr. and Chavito Guerrero that they had nothing to do with the attack on Eddy last week, but Chavo Jr. is starting to have a problem with Rey since he has a music video and a SmackDown magazine cover to his credit. Heyman makes Chavo Jr. vs. Mysterio for the Cruiserweight Title at No Way Out, and Chavito says he'll also take Rey's mask, and Chavo Sr. will spank him afterwards. Heyman adds Chavo Sr. vs. Rey (non-title) to tonight's show, and Chavo Sr. objects until Chavo Jr. talks him into it.
Michael Cole is in the ring, and he's going to interview Eddy Guerrero. Cole congratulates Eddy for his performance last week, and the Cleveland crowd is eating Eddy up, starting one of the largest Eddy chants outside of El Paso. Cole asks Eddy what his chances at No Way Out are, and before he can answer, out comes King Brock I to spoil the party. Brock checks out the Lowrider on his way to the ring. Brock grabs the mic and sends Cole scurrying to the floor. Another massive Eddy chant. Brock congratulates Eddy, putting over his Royal Rumble victory. But Brock Lesnar wasn't in that ring. He's beaten Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, The Rock, and Kurt Angle. He's afraid of no one, including Goldberg...and he invited Goldberg to No Way Out, which is good since he's already got a front row ticket and all. Eddy's impressed at the resume, and he wouldn't be afraid of himself if he had a resume like that. But all Eddy has going for him (besides another huge Eddy chant) is that he's overcome every obstacle that's ever been out in front of him, and he didn't do it by listening to people like Brock Lesnar. After all, the critics all said he was too small to succeed in the wrestling business. They all said the personal demons were too strong to overcome. But by the grace of God, he's overcoming those obstacles. "Because all I do is picture people like you in my mind. I hear the voices, just as I'm hearing them by looking at you, holmes." Eddy sees nothing but hatred when he looks at Brock. "I see nothing but my next obstacle, holmes." Brock's not facing Eddy Guerrero at No Way Out. He's fighting Latino Heat. Brock laughs in his face as yet another Eddy chant starts up, then he tells Eddy that all those people were right. "Eddy Guerrero, you are no one." Eddy's had enough and punches Lesnar, forcing Brock to drop the title belt and sending him scurrying out of the ring. Eddy grabs the belt and puts it on, and he's smiling at the thought of wearing it permanently.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I have to admit I'm surprised that The Big Show is actually expanding on his moveset. Now as long as he doesn't go another four months without a title defense, we might actually be able to salvage this title reign.
Chavo Jr. vs. Rey at No Way Out? That's two matches signed and two matches that should actually be pretty good. Too bad there's no way to properly build up to that show with only three weeks (or now, ten days) to do it.
But they're trying, and they did a pretty good job of it with the in-ring interview involving Brock Lesnar and Eddy Guerrero. I do have a problem with bringing Goldberg into it (yes, he'll be at ringside, but it's not his title shot, it's Eddy's), but overall this was outstanding. Eddy sold exactly how important this match is to him and what winning the title means, and Brock was able to build himself up as a seemingly unstoppable champion without making Guerrero look weak by comparison. Triple H could learn a thing or two about building up a challenger by watching that interview. One of the best interview segments I've seen in a long time.
Segment 5
Tonight in Cleveland, we'll know half the SmackDown main event for WrestleMania, but first, we hype the ongoing paranormal experiences between Kane and The Undertaker from Raw.
One fall: Jamie By God Noble vs. Billy Kidman
Last week, Nidia revealed she could see and cost her boyfriend Noble the Cruiserweight Title. Hammerlock by Kidman to start, but Noble uses forearms to gain control. Kidman gets in a dropkick for 2. Kidman up top, but Noble elbows him, and Kidman tweaks his knee trying not to fall to the floor. Noble takes advantage by going to work on the left knee. Leg scissors. Sitdown splash to the knee. Noble grabs the leg, and Kidman counters with an enzuigiri. Slow cover for 2. Noble with a dropkick to the knee for 2. Spinning toehold, and Kidman counters into a small package for 2. Noble with a school boy into a half Boston crab, and out comes Nidia with Noble's wallet. She starts handing money to the crowd. The distraction allows Kidman to hit a spinebuster bomb for the pin at 3:00...and the crowd is apathetic. Too bad, because the match was good while it lasted. *1/4
Still to come, Kurt Angle vs. Hardcore Holly, but we have a music video coming up next!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
That proved two things. One, Billy Kidman isn't the least bit over. Two, Nidia is more important in WWE's eyes than pretty much the entire cruiserweight division. The match itself was decent, with Noble focusing his attack on Kidman's oft-injured knee, but what we're supposed to remember is Nidia tossing the inheritance money to the crowd.
Segment 6
Moments ago, Nidia tossed ten bucks to the crowd.
Noble finds Heyman, and he bitches about what Nidia just did after all the money he's spent on her. He wants a match with her, and he gets it at No Way Out. For $34.95? I don't think so!
Here's the world premiere of Rey Mysterio's "Crossing Borders" video. It looks a lot like Konnan's WCW videos but with more Spanish in the song.
Still to come, Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guerrero Sr.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
And here is my main problem with the signing of Noble vs. Nidia, and believe it or not, it has nothing to do with the match being signed. Instead, it has everything to do with how they'll portray Noble. Noble is understandably the heel considering how he's mistreated Nidia the last six weeks or so. But instead of focusing on that, the focus will be on how Noble's the bad guy not for all that, but because he's beating on Nidia in a sanctioned match. How can I say that? Because they do it every time there's an intergender match. Not to mention that Noble might not get booed as much as they think. Hell, there are a lot of guys who are probably going to be rooting for Noble because Nidia's an ungrateful bitch for being mad at Noble after all the money he's spent on her.
And funny how UPN just showed more music videos on a two-hour wrestling show than MTV does on their entire channel in a 24 hour period.
Segment 7
Monday on Raw, Steve Austin gave Goldberg his ticket to No Way Out. He'll be there to see Eddy Guerrero vs. Brock Lesnar, but here's Rue DeBona to confirm that No Longer Able Sable and Torrie Wilson will both be on the cover of Playboy this month. Here's the behind the scenes look on one of the worst-kept secrets in WWE history. And next week, an interview with Torrie and Sable. And this has what to do with wrestling, exactly?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I'll ask again. This has what to do with wrestling, exactly? And the appeal is what, two women being naked in the same picture? Are perverts more likely to buy Playboy with two women they've already seen naked on the cover? And all this will likely build up to is that Sable-Torrie Wilson match that's bound to add 100,000 buys to No Way Out. You know, I think I just figured out what this announcement has to do with wrestling.
Segment 8
Non-Title Match scheduled for one fall: Rey Misterio Jr. (Cruiserweight Champion) vs. Chavo Guerrero Sr. (w/Chavito Guerrero)
Chavo gets a cheap right hand to jumpstart the match as Chavo Jr. distracts Rey. Turnbuckle smash. Corner whip. European uppercut. Front facelock. European uppercut. Tazz: "How impressive is Chavo Sr.? This man is in his late-30s..." Rey gains control and gets in a baseball slide. Springboard "senton" and a series of punches. Rey goes for the 619, but Chavo Jr. moves his father out of the way. But after Rey gets Chavo Jr. out of the way, he can't get his father out of the way of a second one, and it gets the pin at 1:59. 3/4* Postmatch, Chavo Jr. aatacks Rey and gets in a large amount of right hands.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I'll give them credit with how they're using Chavo Sr. He's in either tag team matches or short single matches and is being used solely to help further Chavo Jr.'s feuds. Somebody got something right. I can't call a two-minute match good, but I can't call that one bad by any means. By the way, why must we insist on pushing how important the mask is to Rey when he already wrestled without it in WCW for two years? In fact, I'm pretty sure putting the mask back on after losing it is a huge no-no in Mexico (hell, Psicosis was once prohibited from wrestling in an advertised mask vs. mask match in Mexico because they found out he'd already lost it in WCW). This is more of that insulting our intelligence thing I keep talking about. I know alot of WWE fans never watched WCW, but a lot did, so don't assume all of us tuned WCW out.
Segment 9
WrestleMania Recall: Hulk Hogan slams Andre the Giant (WrestleMania III).
Dawn Marie massages Heyman's head and asks about the top contender, but Heyman asks that Dawn not have a "wardrobe malfunction" on his show. He'll make that announcement after this match.
One fall: My Olympic Hero vs. Hardocre Holly
SmackDown is in Tacoma, Washington, next week. Last week, Angle eliminated Holly from the SmackDown Royal Rumble, and Holly wasn't too happy about it. Speaking of which, there's the clip. Don't forget that Angle once broke Holly's arm with a moonsault. Angle goes into mat wrestling to start, and Holly actually holds his own. Holly with an armdrag takedown into an armbar. Into a wristlock. Angle reverses and takes Holly down to the mat with an armbar. Side headlock. Off the ropes, shoulderblock. Off the ropes, hiptoss by Holly, armdrag by Angle, and a stand-off. Waistlock by Angle, and an elbow by Holly effectively ends the mat wrestling clinic. Holly gets a boot to the face but runs into a clothesline. Angle with a backbreaker. Shoulderblocks to the back in the corner. Holly with an elbow, then Angle charges the corner. Holly side steps, and Angle's shoulder hits the ringpost.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
This is already Holly's best match since he returned from his injury at Survivor Series. Some solid mat wrestling early on, and we're just starting to get a bit of a brawl, so each man's strengths have been played to. Now we need to see if Holly capitalizes on Angle's shoulder smacking the post.
Segment 10
Holly reverses a whip and hits the Best Dropkick in the Business. Holly punches away at Angle's shoulder. Kicks to the midsection and punches to the head. Angle elbows Holly but runs into a sleeperhold. Legsweep by Holly, and he maintains an armbar. Holly uses the top rope for leverage on an armbar. Angle punches back, but Holly catches him. Power bomb, Angle punches to avoid it...but gets dropped throat first on the top rope. Angle again punching back, and a flying forearm. Clothesline. Corner whip, but Angle runs into a boot. Holly runs into a backdrop. Rolling German suplexes by Angle for 2. I wish someone would hold the bridge after the last suplex, but since everybody had a broken neck at one point, that's kind of hard. Holly counters an Angle Slam with a small package for 2. Holly goes for the Alabama Slam, but Angle hooks the top rope...so Holly kicks him in the...um...thigh. Inverted DDT for 2. Holly up top, Angle tries for the belly-to-belly superplex but gets thrown off, and Holly comes off the top with a flying clothesline for 2. Alabama Slam, and the ropes save Angle at 2. Full nelson, but Angle counters with an armdrag. A quick Angle Slam, and Angle's slow to cover and only gets 2 as a result. Down go the straps. Ankle Lock! Holly kicks out of it. An Alabama Slam is countered into a sunset flip, which is turned into an Ankle Lock, and Angle pulls Holly to the center of the ring and locks it in. Holly tries to counter, but Angle hangs on, and Holly finally taps out at 14:11. ***1/4
But instead of Angle's music, we get Paul Heyman's, and he power walks to the ring. The moment of truth has arrived, and Heyman's glad Angle's at the ring for the announcement for the SmackDown top contenders spot. Big Show's music plays before Heyman can make a decision. Show's making the assumption that he'll get the WrestleMania title shot. After all, he finally made a successful title defense and dominated the Royal Rumble. Who else will the fans spend their money on? But Angle was the last man eliminated at the SmackDown Royal Rumble, so he feels he deserves the title shot. And he'll prove it by beating The Big Show at any athletic competition. But "pie-eating contests aren't an Olympic sport". They steal the eating pieces of crap line from Happy Gilmore, and Heyman tries to diffuse the situation. He loves their passion, so it will be Angle vs. Show to determine the number one contender at WrestleMania XX. Or will it, as before Heyman can finish the announcement, John Cena comes out to the top of the ramp. If nothing else, that'll send the Cleveland crowd home happy. He cuts a freestyle, basically insulting Show's weight and calling Angle gay, then tries to get into No Way Out. Angle and Show both ask for Cena to get in that match, and Cena says not being in it is like LeBron James not getting in the All-Star Game. Cheap pop. Heyman's changed his mind. There will be a top contenders match: Kurt Angle vs. The Big Show vs. John Cena. But Cena's not done with Heyman yet. We're in Cleveland, "so I'm giving you a Cleveland steamer". Eat shit, basically.
END OF SHOW
So a match that even I'm amazed was as good as it was to finish things off, and the main point we get to is the announcement of the number one contenders triple threat match at No Way Out. The last time Angle and Show were in a triple threat match together it was remarkably good, and Cena's certainly carryable, so good booking could make that the sleeper match of the show.
Overall, no complaints as far as the show's entertainment factor goes, but half the time I was confused as to which show we were actually trying to build for. Obviously WrestleMania's the granddaddy of them all, but No Way Out is on the immediate horizon. Great buildup for the main event, decent buildup for the triple threat, but just as much buildup for WrestleMania, which is going to hurt No Way Out as a whole.
Good show overall, but the focus of next week's show has to be No Way Out.
Send me somefeedback or check out the archives.
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