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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (4/1/2004)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Apr 1, 2004, 22:21
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (4/1/2004)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
What I really wanted to do tonight was give you this super long fake SmackDown recap and give a big "April Fool's" at the end. Then I realized that there'd be a huge outcry for a real recap anyway, so I figured "Screw it, I ain't working twice."
E-Mail of the Week: Michael Branca has a challenge for all of you smarks who haven't been able to see the positive in certain things over the last few weeks:
One more thing,
Seems there's a "Benoit/Benjamin weren't put over by any means" contingent going round the WWE forum. Here's some questions I think you should ask around to the Anglesaults and RavishingRickRudos of the world.
1)Did you mark out when Foley won the belt for the first time? Did the fact that there was a Corporation/DX brawl and Austin hitting Rock with a chair mean anything to you?
2)Did you groan when Vince McMahon won the world title? Did the fact that there was a five-man brawl and Austin giving HHH the stunner--not to mention that Vince was battered senseless--mean anything to you?
3)Were you one of the people that after Rock won the world title as a face for the first time that said he should job it back to HHH cause there's nobody else? Does the fact that the uppercard situation is nearly the same four years later mean anything to you?
4)Could you confirm that we're all living in a dream land and Benoit only beat HHH and Shawn when they did the Royal Rumble finish and that Shelton only beat HHH when Michaels came in and superkicked him? I must have missed that.
I could go on and on with other examples but I mean hell, years and years of the IWC bitching and moaning (said in Benoit RAW post-WM mode) about how WWE is only about HHH, Undertaker, and Austin. Yet when we do see Edge, Benoit, and Eddie on top of the card and Cena and Orton on deck, it's still bitch piss whine moan rinse lather repeat. As I said last night I'm getting mostly what I want, and if HHH decides to be a team player and happens to take the belt back so Edge gets it I could truly care less cause Benoit's had his run, and as long as he stays in the main who cares? Of course HHH'll take the belt back at some point, cause just like four years ago who's left? What, put the belt on Orton? He's not ready. Turn Benoit heel and feed to Edge? It'd give me a dream Edge/Benoit match but how lame would THAT be?
People that bitched and whined about Benoit "running from Smackdown" seem to forget that if he hadn't moved, we wouldn't be enjoying Eddie now, and we'd still have the HHH/Shawn feud that wouldn't die--even though it still sorta exists, and we'd still have HHH making "paper champion" jokes.
So I have to ask you guys to answer this for Michael. Send me your answers to his questions at the usual feedback address and I'll put them in a special column over the weekend. I love a good smark debate.
No Forums Quote of the Week this week for the sole purpose that outside of some sexual innuendo I didn't read anything I found funny or thought-provoking. Of course, part of that is because my computer has been giving fits for a couple of days now, to the point that I'm hoping this recap actually gets posted before I go into work Friday morning, so it's been difficult to get me in a good mood. Luckily for you, I've calmed down some tonight, so hopefully I won't trash a good show.
Tonight: That doesn't mean I won't trash a bad show, and I'm not sure the lineup's going to provide for much else. Time Warner Digital Cable says Kurt Angle will present his Great American Award, and the non-spoiler match listing indicated a handicap match and a couple of matches that might not suck, but I certainly didn't see anything that looked like "must see TV". But being that I don't read the actual spoilers and thus have no idea how the matches actually are, let's all find out together.
Segment 1
Taped 3/30/2004 from the Nationwide Arena in Columbus, Ohio! Michael Cole and Tazz at ringside...
And My Olympic Hero is on his way to the ring! Last week, he made the ultimate sacrifice of setting aside his wrestling career to be the GM of SmackDown. And if week one is any indication, things are right on track. But he can't do it alone, so tonight, he's looking for someone "special". Someone who will step up and be a hero, just like Angle. A great American. There go Akio and Sakoda. Someone who has what it takes to win a giant trophy signifying the Kurt Angle Great American Award. If it's still in one piece at the end of the show, then I'll check the Weather Channel for the forecast in Hell. Eddy Guerrero doesn't qualify because the winner receives a shot at the WWE Championship. We have a series of matches tonight. The winners become the official nominees. The first of these matches begins right now.
Great American Award Nomination Match scheduled for one fall: The Too Damn Big Show vs. Rikishi (WWE Tag Team Champion)
Rikishi blocks a punch and punches away at Show. A shoulderblock by Show turns things around. Boot choke. Kick to the chest. Slap to the chest. Boot choke. Short slap to the chest. Kick to the ribs. *yawn* Oh, sorry. Headbutt. Rikishi with a headbutt of his own, followed by a couple of superkicks. Show falls into the corner...Stink Face. God, I hate that move. Rikishi charges, but he walks into a Choke Slam for the pin at 2:44. Thank God it was short. 1/4*
Earlier today, John Bradshaw Layfield arrived in a Texas Longhorn limo. "Where the hell did you learn how to drive, Tijuana?" The limo driver speaks in Spanish, so Bradshaw tells him to learn English. Um...I don't think the Latino population in Columbus is exactly dominating the area.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Kind of a silly premise, but what I like about it is that it gives every match meaning. Even the boring ones. Like this one. I'm glad Show got the win because he's actually entertaining on occasion, and Rikishi just has a large rear end. That doesn't mean I want Show any closer to the title than he is right this second though.
Segment 2
Let's take a look at the Walking Tall premiere from this past Monday.
Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Rey Misterio Jr. and L'il Spike Dudley vs. Chavito Guerrero (WWE Cruiserweight Champion) and Chavo Guerrero Sr.
Spike actually looks big next to Rey. No word as to whether this is a Great American Award Nomination Match or not, so I assume it's not. Chavito has a remix of his theme going on. Rey and Chavo Jr. start with a chain wrestling sequence. Rey with a drop toehold into the corner, and in comes Chavo Sr., which leads to Spike coming in and to some double teaming by the faces. Rey up top as Brian Hebner tries to remove Spike from the ring, and Chavo Sr. shoves him off, and the heels are in control. Double underhook suplex by Chavo Sr. Chavo Jr. tagged in, and he hits a flying axhandle for 2. Camel clutch. Rey breaks it, but Chavo Jr. retains control. Sunset flip, but Rey rolls through and hits a seated dropkick. Rey rolls forward to get Chavo Jr. off of him and makes the hot tag. Spike works over both heels. An inverted atomic drop and a clothesline to Chavo Jr., and Chavo Sr. has to break up the pin. Rey goes to 619 Chavo Sr., but Chavo Jr. clotheslines him over the top rope. Spike walks up Chavo Sr. to hit Chavo Jr. with the Dudley Dawg for the pin at 4:10. Short but energetic, and Spike even gets a TV win! *1/4 But in comes Bradshaw to attack the babyfaces! Clothesline from Hell! Power bomb! Now stand on that second rope and celebrate.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So is Bradshaw in cahoots with Chavo Jr. and Chavo Sr.? Is he just going after Eddy Guerrero and his friends? Or is it just that he likes beating the crap out of people smaller than he is? It looks as though it could be all three. The Bradshaw push is underway, and we seem powerless to stop it, even if it takes away from decent matches. But there's no way he'll ever get Eddy's title, right? Right?
Segment 3
Great American Award Nomination Match scheduled for one fall: Rob........Van........Dam vs. Charlie Haas
A rematch from last week's show, where RVD pinned Haas. Chain wrestling sequence to start. Side headlock by RVD. Off the ropes, shoulderblock for 2. Haas turns it into a brawl early on, but RVD hits a corkscrew dropkick for 2. He misses an enzuigiri, and Haas works over the knee, much like he did last week. RVD with a corkscrew headscissors to send Haas to the floor, and Haas goes for a chair. He thinks twice about it and reenters the ring. Corner whip by RVD and a rolling monkey flip, but Haas goes back to the left leg. Eye gouge. Then back to the leg. Haas rams RVD's knee into the ringpost. A series of slaps and crossfaces. Back heel trip and a toehold. RVD tries to kick out of it, but Haas chop blocks the knee. Half Boston crab. RVD gets to the ropes to force the break. Back suplex by Haas, then back to the leg. Off the second rope, RVD tries to block it, but Haas stops short...so RVD kicks Haas with the other foot. Neat spot, actually. RVD on offense, and he hits Rolling Thunder on one good leg for 2. Backflip, but he favors the leg and misses the corner shoulderblock. RVD gets a legsweep and a legdrop to Haas and heads up top, but he misses the Five Star Frog Splash. RVD backdrops Haas over the top rope. Baseball slide, but he does a slingshot plancha right into the chair Haas dropped earlier, and the chair knocks both men silly. That's a double countout at 7:37. I'm probably in the minority, but I liked the finish. ** Oh wait, it's GM Angle, who says SmackDown is about winners and losers, so we're going to pick a winner on points. And it's pretty clear to Angle who the next nominee is: Charlie Haas. The crowd and Michael Cole bitch, but if we really are going on a points system, Haas had to be ahead since he controlled most of the match.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Gee, a general manager playing favorites. I haven't seen that in...at least three days. Maybe an entire week. In all seriousness though, Haas and RVD simply have styles that don't really mesh that well together, although if RVD could properly sell the leg these could have been much better matches. Note to RVD: Guys with bad legs generally can't jump off the top rope with any accuracy. Still entertaining though.
Segment 4
Last Thursday, Bradshaw said he was going to make an impact, and he made it by attacking Eddy Guerrero. Then earlier tonight, he showed up in a limo and attacked two cruiserweights. Impressive stuff, huh?
Booker T isn't feeling it at all and tells Angle as much, so Angle kisses his ass. Booker is tired of the disrespect already and says he'd be a champion for SmackDown to be proud of. Angle says he'd make a great champion, so he has a nomination match tonight. In fact, you remember Hardcore Holly getting in your face last week? Beat him tonight, and you're a step closer to another title shot.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I honestly have no idea how much mileage Booker is going to get out of playing the "SmackDown is minor leagues" angle, but he's doing it well so far. Now hopefully he doesn't have to do the job for Hardcore freaking Holly.
Segment 5
If you missed the Legacy of Hope Award footage on Raw, here it is again.
Great American Award Nomination Match scheduled for one fall: Booker T vs. Hardcore Holly
Staredown to start, to the point that Nick Patrick separates them. Booker begins pounding away at Holly with forearms, punches, kicks, and chops. Hardcore can play that game too, so he retaliates. Clothesline, and Booker rolls to the outside for a Tastykake break. Back in. Waistlock by Holly, but Booker breaks with an elbow. Standing side kick for 2. Booker telegraphs a backdrop and gets kicked in the chest, and Holly takes control. Vertical suplex for 2. More punches and chops. Snap mare. Legdrop for 2. Amrbar. Booker with some punches. Whip, reversal, hiptoss by Holly, then an armdrag takedown and an armbar. Arm wringer, and Booker with a knee to the midsection to break. Side slam for 2. Snap mare and a delayed kneedrop. Boot choke. Choke against the ropes. Holly tries a comeback with kicks and punches. Corner whip, and Booker hits him with a hard elbow. Holly chops away at Booker, and a clothesline gets 2. Back into the armbar. Booker tries to use forearms to get out of it, and he takes Holly down with a Hotshot. A clothesline, and both men take a tumble over the top rope.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Oh my God, is this a snoozefest. I mean, I'm liking Booker's heel work, and I'm glad his matches seem more serious, but there's no flow to this at all. They're kind of loosely having Holly working on the arm, but there's no sense of any real psychology to it. No "I hate you, so let's just fight", no "I'm going to focus entirely on a body part", nothing. Hopefully this finishes up a lot better than it's started.
Segment 6
Booker with a reverse chinlock. Holly with shots to the ribs, but Booker with a forearm. Kick to the face, and Holly falls to the floor. Dammit, don't go after him, TAKE THE COUNTOUT! Booker sets up the steps to suplex Holly onto them, but Holly suplexes Booker on the floor instead. Both men back in. I'm begging for a 15-minute time limit. Booker misses the sunset flip but improvises a roll up for 2, and another kick gets another near fall. Sleeperhold, but Holly counters with a back suplex. Booker misses a clothesline, and Holly gets one of his own. Powerslam for 2. Booker with a thumb to the eye, but Holly with the Best Dropkick in the Business for 2. Booker ducks a clothesline and hits the Book End for 2. Holly with a boot to the face and a flying clothesline for 2. Booker avoids a bodyslam and gets a roll up (with a handful of tights) for the pin at 14:57. It picked up near the end, but it felt like forever getting there. *1/4
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, certainly the right guy went over here, and once they actually started going for the win it became watchable, but I can't imagine why they'd give a Bob Holly non-hardcore match 15 minutes. Hell, they wouldn't let his WWE Title match at the Royal Rumble go more than eight minutes. No real flow, no real psychology ... This just felt disjointed for the vast majority of it, and I'm not sure that's the wrestlers' fault.
Segment 7
We're in C-Bus for this edition of SmackDown!
Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: The Dudley Boyz vs. Akio and Sakoda
And this is obviously NOT a Great American Award nomination match. Sakoda and Bubba Ray start. Extended lockup. Go-behind by Bubba, and into a headlock. Sakoda with forearms, and Bubba with a hard shoulderblock. A double team gives the Japanese team the advantage, and after a tag, Akio gets a dropkick for 2. A series of kicks and a tag to Sakoda. Kick underneath the chin and a cover for 2. Neck vice. Forearm to the back for 2. A series of slaps, and that's a bad move, as Bubba just smacks him. Tag to Akio, who kicks away. Bubba with a spear for a charging Akio, and that woke the crowd up. Hot tag to D-Von, who works over both men. Reverse neckbreaker to Akio. D-Von with a flying elbowsmash for 2. Sakoda attacks from behind and holds D-Von, but Akio misses a kick and hits his partner instead. 3D for Akio, and that's the pin at 4:10. Thank God for that spear, as it singlehandedly kept this match from being a DUD. 1/2*
The nominees for the Great American Award thus far:
Booker T
The Big Show
Charlie Haas
And one more spot (or two) to come as John Cena meets The FBI in a handicap match.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Another case of two distinctly different styles leading to a mess of match. At this rate the Dudleys will win the SmackDown Tag Team Titles by the end of next week's show, as they've basically gone through what's left of the tag team division already, so the champions are about all that's left.
Segment 8
Bubba Ray and D-Von check on how Spike's neck is doing after getting clotheslined by Bradshaw, and Theodore Long is in. He wants to put their differences aside and lead the Dudleys to the Land of the Dollar Bill. He hands Bubba Ray and D-Von their Playa's Card, but he conveniently runs out before he can hand one to Spike.
Raw action shows highlights from Raw if you missed it.
Bradshaw's Mexican driver is buffing up the limo, and in comes Eddy Guerrero riding in style. He eyes the limo and asks who's in it, and the man tells him.
Rene Dupree and Fifi are on their way to the ring, but it's John Cena wrestling next.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I'll have to wait and see who Teddy Long ends up managing before I judge what they've done with the angle so far. And there really wasn't anything else in this segment that furthered anything except a potential Eddy-Bradshaw fight. But Eddy shows up at 9:27pm? Is that what they call "fashionably late"?
Segment 9
Dupree is on commentary, and Tazz tries to interview "Sniffy" the poodle. No, that's not an April Fool's joke.
Great American Award Nomination Handicap Match scheduled for one fall: John Cena Th.D. (WWE United States Champion) vs. The Full Blooded Italians
Freestyle time for the champ. He says he's going to win the award. Haas cheated his way in, Show tried to eat his way in, and no "Busta Rhymes wannabe" is gonna win it. Um... Mention the Ohio State Buckeyes for the cheap pop, then imply that Cole and Dupree are lovers. Because you can't have a freestyle without at least one gay reference.
Johnny Stamboli starts. Stamboli with a hammerlock. Cena avoids a bodyslam and uses forearms to Stamboli's back. Backdrop. Forearms by Stamboli, but some in retaliation by Cena, who looks an incoming Nunzio back to the apron. Stamboli attacks from behind, and Nunzio heads up top, but Cena knocks him off and takes Stamboli down with a shoulderblock and a clothesline. Throwback. Five Knuckle Shuffle. Pump up the shoes, and that can mean only one thing...F-U! Cover, pin at 2:14, and why even bother booking a handicap match when the most talented guy of the three is never legally in the match? 3/4* You can't see him...well, you can, so...
Kurt Angle holds the trophy and goes over the nominees, then he asks a technician to find Eddy Guerrero because he has a major announcement next.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
This didn't really accomplish anything except give John Cena some TV time. Hell, Nunzio's the best actual wrestler of the three and he stood on the apron for the entire match, and this sure as hell didn't make Johnny Stamboli look the least bit credible. And Cena's the only face eligible for the award, so my guess is he won't win it. So what was the point besides the TV time?
Segment 10
And the GM is in the ring! And even though he was holding the trophy three minutes ago, it beat him to the ring! Angle's getting slow in his injured state. He's also getting impressed with the SmackDown locker room. Triple H wouldn't have made it five minutes on SmackDown. The Great American Award winner will be announced next week, and the fans can vote on wwe.com for the winner by midnight Monday. And there's only one face nominated, so that pretty much defeats the purpose. Anyway, the more Eddy Guerrero lies, cheats, and steals, the more he degrades the title. And out comes Eddy Guerrero. A Lowrider with Ohio license plates, but it's clearly owned by a Tennessee fan. Heh. An "Eddy" chant just before we get some dialogue. Eddy grabs the mic out of Angle's hands. Angle grabs another mic and says he doesn't like being interrupted, but Eddy's going to ask a question. If he's such a threat to SmackDown, why not just do something about it? "Right here, right now!" There's the staredown, but Angle's the GM, so no fight. He's something Eddy will never be: responsible. He wants to introduce Eddy to someone these fans can be proud of. One who is as adept in the stock market as Eddy is at stealing cars. He gave Eddy a Clothesline from Hell last week. And he's the fifth nominee for the Great American Award. John Bradshaw Layfield. Anybody else expecting the "voting" to be rigged? Bradshaw comes out in the limo and sticks his head through the sunroof. He's honored to be nominated, and he's a shoo-in to win. I mean, he grew up in Sweetwater, Texas. Played football for the local college and professionally. Then he moved to New York City. Central Park, actually. And he's rich. Rich, I tell you! And he earned it all. What's a better success story than that? I mean, he's an author, a talk show host, a TV analyst who talks about America. Go to Fox News Saturday morning, and he'll be there. And he just now notices that Eddy's in the ring. Last week was nothing personal, just business. He's just making an impact because that's how you succeed. Eddy has something Bradshaw wants, and he gets what he wants. And he wants the WWE Championship. He's taking it, and there's nothing Eddy can do about it. Impact players make an impact, and there's nothing personal, just business. Eddy says he'll make it personal, and he's going after him. Right through the sunroof if necessary. He comes out with Bradshaw's hat. HE STEALS! Eddy tells him if he wants the hat to come take it, but Bradshaw doesn't want to ruin his suit. Eddy tries it on and says Bradshaw has a big head, and Eddy asks the crowd if they want to help fill it with beer or something. So he walks around ringside with it as various fans dumps food and drinks into it. Then he reenters the ring and jumps on it for good measure. If that's actually a $1,000 hat, then that's an expensive piece of trash now.
END OF SHOW
A really asinine payoff, as I really don't care whether Bradshaw has his hat stolen or destroyed or dumped in a garbage can or whatever. But I do have to admit that Bradshaw can cut one hell of a promo to put himself over. Of course, this has to build up to an eventual title match between the two, and if the voting isn't rigged I'll be the most surprised person in the country.
By the way, the temperature in Hell today is -48 degrees Celsius. Cold by Hell standards, but short sleeve weather in Canada.
Overall, a good effort that largely felt flat. I appreciate that they made the singles matches mean something by putting the top contenders spot on the line, but there really wasn't a match that was good enough to hold my full interest aside from maybe RVD-Haas, which wasn't that great either. Hell, if I wasn't writing this recap, I probably would have flipped into Friends of the Sacramento-Dallas game or something just to keep my mind from going numb.
But hey, somebody always disagrees, so let me know what you think, and don't forget to vote in the TSM Mat Madness II tournament between now and Sunday.
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