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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (8/12/2004)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Aug 13, 2004, 09:25
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (8/12/2004)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Late this week because as I sit down to write the intro, I have just gotten home from the Cleveland Indians' victory over the Toronto Blue Jays. And goddamn, I love this game. Pretty much enough said there, I think. As a result, this is probably going to be a half-assed effort because I'm tired and will already get yelled at for not having the recap up by 10:05pm Eastern. Anyway, we have a lot of ground to cover since it's Friday already by the time this actually gets posted.
Forums Quote of the Week: "I stuck my penis in the vagina. Then I thrusted until I ejaculated. Isn't that how most of us did it? I didn't think I was truly unique." -spiny norman, discussing how he lost his virginity
E-Mail of the Week: Scroby didn't really give me the best e-mail of the week, but he hit on something most of us hadn't thought of: "You know I'm noticing something here and I'm probably wrong about this but, remember how a rich guy with a butler brought the Undertaker in and now a Rich guy with a butler is trying to take the Undertaker out."
Things that make you go "hmm..."
Tonight: As we head into SummerSlam, we know that Spike Dudley takes on Paul London, and general manager Theodore Long has come up with the relay challenge or something with team captains John Cena and Booker T. This could be...um...interesting, I guess. Maybe. Let's find out.
Segment 1
Taped 8/10/2004 from the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, Michigan! Michael Cole and Tazz at ringside! The Summer Games Relay Match is tonight!
But let's begin with interview time, as John Bradshaw Layfield makes his way to ringside...with Orlando Jordan following him out of the limo. As Richard M. Nixon once said, "I am not a midget." Um...yeah, whatever. The Undertaker's attack on Mini Taker last week didn't intimidate the champion, no sir. Sure, Taker's beaten everybody. But he's not everybody. Does anybody remember when Bradshaw was following Undertaker around and doing his bidding? I know I try to forget. Anyway, Bradshaw has a plan, and while things look good for the challenger on paper, titles are won in the ring, not on paper. After all, Eddy Guerrero looked like the better man on paper, but Bradshaw beat him. Unlike cars made in Detroit, Bradshaw is built to last. (Ooo, cheap shot.) Bradshaw guarantees victory for SummerSlam. The respect the fans have been showing the champion has been moving into the locker room, so now Orlando Jordan -- Bradshaw's new "chief of staff" -- gets to speak! Jordan expected handouts and waited for his big break. But JBL showed him that he had to take his own break. So last week, he knocked one out of the park by stopping Taker "dead in his tracks". In proving his loyalty to JBL, he proved "Orlando Jordan Time is now!" Anybody else bored as hell yet? JBL is so proud of Jordan that he's convinced Theodore Long to grant Jordan a match with The Undertaker...and Jordan doesn't seem too pleased. He acts like it's cool though.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
How long was Jordan in Ohio Valley Wrestling? Did Jim Cornette never teach him how to cut a promo? Well, no big deal, because in all probability, Jordan gets squashed in about two minutes tonight before returning to his usual spot in Velocity hell.
Segment 2
Non-Title Contest scheduled for one fall: Spike Dudley (WWE Cruiserweight Champion) vs. Paul London (WWE Tag Team Champion--w/Billy Kidman)
Great, open with the cruiserweights so everything else seems sucky by comparison. Have no fear, Bubba Ray and D-Von come to ringside almost on the bell, and with Rey Misterio Jr. apparently nowhere to be found, that should be the extent of the people who will interfere. London with a tabletop suplex with a bridge for an early near fall. A series of forearms. Spike dumps London over the top, and London tries to skin the cat, but Spike dropkicks him to the floor. Kidman comes over to prevent a double team, and back in we go. Battering ram by Spike. London counters the Dudley Dog. Spike with an inverted atomic drop, but he runs into a dropsault. Clothesline. Spinning heel kick. Another heel kick gets 2. Double clothesline, and both men are down. D-Von grabs a chair, and Kidman comes over to stop it, but it's a setup for Bubba to glom Kidman. In the ring, London hits the enzuigiri and prevents Bubba's interference, but Bubba is still able to pull Spike away from the 450 Splash. Spike reenters the ring and covers for the pin at 3:49. That's IT? Four minutes? *1/4 Postmatch, Bubba whips the tag team champions with a leather belt, and Spike hits London with the Dudley Dog. And there's the 3D for Kidman.
Your hosts set the stage for the rest of the show, but Bubba Ray nearly levels Cole with the leather strap. In the Summer Games Relay Challenge tonight, Booker T will start, and if he can't win within the time limit, then Luther Reigns and Rene Dupree, in that order, will get their shot.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
OK, I understand that this was just a setup for the six man tag team match at SummerSlam, but don't you think allowing them to have enough time to put on a better match would help to convince people to buy the PPV? Maybe they'll add some old school stipulation like "ten lashes to the loser" just to make things more "interesting".
Segment 3
Another Heidenreich and Paul Heyman promo, with Heyman implying that Heidenreich will be at SummerSlam.
All three Dudleys celebrate backstage when Scotty 2 Hotty asks Spike why he's changed. Spike claims he's merely come home to be with his family. Where did being friends with the good guys get him? With the title and his brothers, who needs friends? There's the slap from Spike as he tells Scotty not to do anything.
My Olympic Hero barges into Theodore Long's office and demands the profits from the auction of his stuff. Well, since he had it stolen, he's got a point. Long offers Angle an opportunity. Go out there and tell the people what you think about Eddy Guerrero. Long will make sure Eddy doesn't attack him. Does Angle have the testicular fortitude? "Kurt, be a man, playa!"
Rush's "Summertime Blues" is the official theme song of SummerSlam. Let's go to Raw's hosts, Good Ol' JR and The King, to give off the lineup. Triple H vs. Eugene. Edge defends the Intercontinental Title against Batista and Chris Jericho. Matt Hardy vs. Kane in a match where the winner marries Lita...and the loser gets the better end of the deal. And Chris Benoit defends the World Heavyweight Title against Randy Orton. Now your SmackDown hosts run down their half of the show. Kurt Angle vs. Eddy Guerrero. Rey Misterio Jr, Billy Kidman, and Paul London vs. The Dudleys. Booker T vs. John Cena in match #1 of a best of five series for Booker's US Title. And John Bradshaw Layfield defends the WWE Title against The Undertaker, who meets Orlando Jordan later tonight.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
All we really got out of that segment was the possibility of a Spike Dudley-Scotty 2 Hotty post-SummerSlam feud...unless Scotty brings back Rikishi and Brian Lawler for a series of bad six man tags. We're basically trying to show that Spike is finally more concerned with winning titles than making everybody else happy, which is good, but I still wonder exactly what kind of mileage we're really going to get out of heel Spike.
Segment 4
One fall: Chavo Guerrero vs. Nunzio (w/Johnny Stamboli)
The next SmackDown-only PPV is No Mercy in October...which means Raw got two brand-exclusive PPVs in between SmackDown's last solo effort. That hardly seems fair. Counter wrestling sequence to start, ending with a bad flying headscissors by Nunzio. Chavo with an armbar, and he slaps Stamboli for being too close. European uppercuts by Chavo. Nunzio comes back with a rana. A missed clothesline, and Chavo with an Exploder suplex for 2. Nunzio counters a Gory Bomb into a rollup. Chavo reverses and grabs the ropes, but Stamboli interferes, leading to a Nunzio reversal for the pin in 2:25. *
The Undertaker vs. Orlando Jordan. NEXT!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Probably the biggest question is "How the hell did the FBI become faces?" I mean, they were essentially filling time on Velocity with a pseudo-feud with The Basham Brothers...and now they're facing heels on the main show as well. I guess you could say "If you followed Velocity, you'd know why." Except I do follow Velocity and I still have no clue. Oh well, whatever.
Segment 5
Still to come is the Summer Games Relay Match, and Team Cena will feature Rob Van Dam, Charlie Haas, and John Cena, in that order.
One fall: Orlando Jordan (w/John Bradshaw Layfield) vs. The Undertaker
And no, Taker is not accompanied by midget Taker. Taker throws Jordan down first thing. Remember when Jordan came into WWE and Taker shook his hand? There's a lot of history being completely ignored here. Shoulderblock. Backdrop. Arm wringer with a pumphandle. Jordan actually gets some corner shoulderblocks on Taker, then goes into the punches, but Taker shows Jordan how to hit someone with punches. Jordan with a boot to the face. Kicks to the ribs. Choke against the ropes. Forearms. Taker punching back, but Jordan brawling back and holding his own. But he runs into a choke slam. JBL to the apron, and Jordan rolling to the floor for a Tastykake break. Taker follows and works the left arm, ramming it into the steps. Back in, and still working on the arm. Old School. A DDT gets 2. Jordan with a low blow as JBL distracts Nick Patrick. More punches, shoulders, and elbows. Jordan runs into an elbow. Taker with a turnbuckle smash. Taker shoves him outside and follows. A whip is reversed, and Taker's knees hit the steps. JBL barks out orders and the fight returns to the ring, and Jordan with a couple of elbowdrops for 2. Jabs, but Taker with one punch to knock him down. Flying clothesline. Avalanches in the corner. Snake eyes, and in runs Bradshaw with the Clothesline from Hell for the DQ at 6:47. 1/2* Jordan gets one stomp in, and they run like hell to the back. They admire their handiwork from the aisle...and Taker sits up.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Now come on, at least give me a little bit of effort here. The goal of this segment was for Jordan to apparently soften up Taker before his match with JBL at SummerSlam. Fine. But why wasn't there an extended 2-on-1 beatdown after JBL's interference? It was basically, "Oh well, my lariat is the best this side of Stan Hansen, so he has to stay down." At least the sit up doesn't negate the entire segment. The match, however, did. I've seen fewer punches in the Arturo Gatti-Mickey Ward fights.
Segment 6
Did you bid in the auction for Kurt Angle's stuff? Well, screw you then.
Theodore Long is in the ring, and we're just three days away from SummerSlam. We're three days away from the Kurt Angle-Eddy Guerrero match. Their first meeting since WrestleMania XX. Five months in the making. Let's hear from Kurt Angle. But before Angle even gets to speak, Eddy Guerrero makes his way to the ring. Well, I guess Long didn't technically promise Eddy wouldn't be at ringside. Staredown time! Eddy says there's nowhere for Angle to hide, so say everything to his face. Angle doesn't hide from anyone. He had a legitimate injury that kept him from wrestling. Do you know what it's like to have something you love taken away from you? Like the WWE Championship? Oops. Forgot that, didn't you, Kurt? Eddy says he'll get back everything taken from him, and Angle calls him on it since Eddy did steal his stuff for the auction. And didn't Eddy fake an injury en route to victory at WrestleMania? Wow, if I didn't know better, I'd think this storyline was an elaborate six month setup. Angle takes it as a compliment that Eddy had to cheat to win. And Eddy lies, cheats, and steals, so it's all good. Maybe he can't beat Angle without cheating. But what if he can? And that's why Angle's been hiding: because deep down, Angle doesn't know if he can beat Eddy. Who's the better wrestler? Long interrupts and asks for a handshake..."if you're man enough". Extended staredown...and a reluctant handshake.
Up next, it's relay time!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Forced handshakes are always kind of silly and way too contrived, but other than that I loved this segment. You've got all the intensity that such an grudge match should include, and they actually found a way to tie everything from WrestleMania on together to make you think this has all been very carefully planned. Somehow they came up with something that makes the casual fan want to pay for the match and not just the workrate freaks.
Segment 7
Taped from Detroit.
Summer Games Relay Match: Booker T (captain), Luther Reigns, and Rene Dupree vs. Rob Van Dam, Charlie Haas (w/Miss Jackie), and John Cena (captain)
The rules (and thank God I'm doing this by way of videotape tonight):
1. Booker T and RVD will wrestle for five minutes.
2. If there's no winner, Booker T's next member (Luther) will replace Booker due to their victory in the coin toss.
3. If there's still no winner after that five minute period, Cena's next member (Haas) replaces RVD.
4. Team members alternate as such until a fall is rendered.
And of course, Cena has to do a freestyle to put over his team and call Booker's team gay. There's not much more to say about that.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
The raps are apparently back, and while they might pop a crowd, you can call me when he says something he didn't already say when he was doing them every week. This should be an interesting concept for this match though, so let's get to it.
Segment 8
First Period: Booker and RVD start. Booker with a side headlock. Reversal. Hiptoss. Armdrag. Armbar. 4:00 remain. Booker pushes RVD to the corner and pounds away. Corner whip, but Booker runs into an elbow. Booker clotheslines RVD over the top rope, then levels RVD with a lariat for 2. Standing side kick for 2 with less than 3:00 remaining. Top wristlock. Forearm smash. Chops. 2:00 remain. Corner whip, followed by a series of forearms. RVD kicks Booker in the face to buy himself some time. 1:20 remaining. Springboard bodyblock for 2. Clothesline. Stepover spin kick for 2 with 45 seconds remaining. Short knee by Booker T, but he misses the Scissor Kick. RVD knocks Booker down and heads up top with the Five Star Frog Splash, but RVD sells the ribs after he connects, and time runs out.
Second Period: Luther Reigns is immediately on the attack and gets a series of near falls.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Some decent stuff from RVD and Booker, actually, and the use of the five minute periods should add a lot of drama to the match. Plus we should be able to figure out if a guy like Luther Reigns can go ten minutes without getting blown up. So far so good.
Segment 9
Under a minute remaining, and RVD gets the boot up. Flying side kick. Corkscrew legdrop. Rolling thunder with 30 seconds left, and a cover for 2. RVD runs into a sidewalk slam. Luther misses a kneedrop, and time runs out.
Third Period: In comes Charlie Haas, and he takes advantage of a tired Reigns. Haas focuses his attack on the left knee, snapping it back and stomping it before going for the toehold. 4:00 remain. Legdive takedown. Kneedrops to the knee, and back to the toehold. Luther's shoulders fall to the mat for 2. And again. 3:00 remain. Luther goes into a chokehold to free himself, then he reverses a whip, kicks Haas, then takes him down with a beautiful double underhook suplex. Haas with a fireman's carry and a cover for 2. Luther pounds at Haas with knees with 2:00 remaining. Cover for 2. Back suplex for 2 with 1:25 remaining. Chinlock.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Kind of an odd place for the commercial break, but I do like what I've been seeing thus far. The brilliant thing about this concept is that even if the period completely sucks, it changes up after five minutes, so you can't get too fed up with any one point.
Segment 10
Fourth Period (joined in progress): Haas kicks out with 2:41 to remaining. Chop. They begin to exchange blows. Haas runs into a big boot. 2:00 remaining. Dupree up top, but Haas takes him down with an armdrag takedown. German suplex for 2 with 1:20 remaining. Another German suplex for 2. 1:00 remaining as Haas uses an Exploder suplex for a series of near falls. Luther on the apron, and Booker hits Haas as he runs into the ropes. Dupree locks Haas in an STF with less than 30 seconds left, but Haas holds out until the end of the period.
Fifth Period: In comes Cena, and we get a staredown. Cena blocks a kick and takes Dupree down, and Cena is turning this into an all-out brawl. Hard corner whip. 4:00 remain. Dupree with a reverse neckbreaker, and a delayed cover for 2. Camel clutch. Cena tries to push out of it but can't. 3:00 remain. Dupree sits down on the back. A series of right hands. Cover for 2. Reverse chinlock. 2:00 remain. Cena stands up with Dupree on his back and breaks the hold with a jawbreaker. Clothesline. Elbows. Dupree avoids the flying shoulderblock and takes Cena down with a modified spinebuster. French Tickler, but he misses his version of the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena hits his version of it with 30 seconds left and covers for 2. Pump up the shoes, but Dupree counters the F-U into a rolling cradle for 2. Another F-U attempt, but Dupree grabs the ropes to avoid it as time expires.
Sixth Period: And back in comes Booker T, which is realistically the only way this one could end. Flying forearm by Booker for 2. Kick to the side of the head. Booker's all "You can't see me" and drops the knee for 2. Chinlock. Cena with elbows and punches, but Booker catches him with a knee. Booker goes for a leg lariat, but misses and tumbles over the top rope. RVD gets some shots in on Booker on the floor then tosses him back in, and Cena rolls Booker up for the pin at 2:07. Outside of the finish of the final period, some good stuff all around, but hard to rate with the commercial breaks, so let's call it **3/4 based mostly on solid action and well-timed non-finishes in the early periods. Postmatch, we get a brief six man brawl, but Team Cena reigns supreme.
END OF SHOW
No Raw Rebound this week? Or did I just miss it?
This was actually set up beautifully, as Cena and Booker get to be the final two men in and build up to their SummerSlam match. And there was some pretty good action throughout a pretty cool concept. It's not often you think one match could save a show, but I think this one did it.
And thank God for that, because aside from the Angle-Eddy segment, the first 90 minutes of this show was just boring. The matches were either too short (Spike vs. London and Chavo vs. Nunzio) or too punch-kick (Undertaker vs. Jordan), and the rest of the non-wrestling segments just felt flat. You kind of expect the last show before a PPV to lack a bit in the wrestling content, but this seemed to lack in the PPV buildup content as well. A middle of the road show, mostly due to the main event keeping my interest for half an hour.
But drop me the feedback since I know you all have your opinions.
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