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TNA
Raw from JHawk's Beak (5/30/2005)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on May 31, 2005, 20:44
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Raw from JHawk's Beak (5/30/2005)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Where was I last week? Long story short, I ended up working late last Monday, then had a ton of personal problems hit me at once. So as a result, I'm probably going to end up rushing through this and missing a ton of shit, but let's go for it anyway.
Segment 1
This edition of Raw is dedicated to the American troops who died defending our country. I forgot it was Memorial Day.
LIVE from Calgary, Alberta, Canada! Why the fuck are we at the Saddledome in Canada when we just did the Memorial Day tribute. Tonight, Kane and Lita will be on the Highlight Reel, plus Chris Benoit and Edge meet in a tables match. But first off, Jerry Lawler hosts a swimsuit competition with Christy Hemme, Candice Michelle, Maria, Victoria, and Lilian Garcia. I didn't like this last year when it was called the Raw Diva Search. We don't get very far before Viscera makes his way to the ring. Did they decide to make him a heel? That's what interrupting a swimsuit competition usually accomplishes. Apparently the thought of Lilian in a swimsuit is a turn-on, so he's "just gotsta have it". He basically drags Lilian to the back against her will, and the crowd boos like hell because we've already seen the other women in swimsuits. Nice to see Candice had learned no new skills since the godaddy.com commercials. Christy wins via Lawler's vote. Post competition, Victoria goes apeshit on the other three divas and beats the holy hell out of them. YAY! She even kicks Lawler low. ::channeling Dusty Rhodes:: She kicked him in the thing! ::end Dusty Rhodes::
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*yawn* Only used to further the Viscera-Lilian story arc until Victoria beats the hell out of everybody. All she needs to make that work is to say "This is about wrestling and not being pretty" and we're golden. Of course, that will make her the heel because this is wrestling and only women who flaunt their looks can be faces.
Segment 2
Moments ago, Victoria kicked ass. Live, Todd Grisham interviews her, and she ends up just being jealous of Christy's "success". They fucked it up in one segment, although the crowd popped for it.
One fall for the WWE Tag Team Championship: The Hurricane and Rosey� (w/Stacy Keibler) vs. The Heart Throbs
The Heart Throbs earned this shot by beating William Regal and Tajiri on Heat. See, Heat's important and you wanna watch. Romeo and Antonio double team Hurricane early on, but Hurricane is able to clear the ring. A leg lariat to Antonio for 2. Elbowsmash, but Antonio knocks Hurricane off the apron and into the guardrail thanks to Romeo's distraction. Antonio with the swinging neckbreaker for 2. Tag to Romeo, leading to a series of quick tags and some double teaming. The crowd chants "Stacy's hot" as if I didn't already drool over her in that super heroine outfit. The challengers continue to keep Hurricane isolated. Hurricane avoids a double team, leapfrogging over Antonio while taking Romeo down with a neckbreaker, and there's the hot tag to Rosey. Rosey beats on both opponents for a while, then tags Hurricane, who splashes Antonio from off of Rosey's shoulders for the pin at 4:22.
Batista is here!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Definitely serviceable, although short and formulaic. I've actually started to like the Heart Throbs a bit since their matches with Regal and Tajiri actually got some time to tell a story, and they could certainly make a decent run in the tag team division if WWE decides to care about the tag team division.
Segment 3
Prepare to be bored by the Raw Diva Search Mark II. June 27 will be the first appearance of the eight finalists. Audioslave's "Be Yourself" will be the theme song.
Last week, Triple H returned and laid out Batista, challenging him to a Hell in a Cell Match at Vengeance, which is apparently on June 26 and not in July as originally scheduled.
Eric Bischoff informs Batista that Triple H is in Stamford, so Batista agrees to Hell in a Cell but wants the contract signed next week. In come Muhammad Hassan and Daivari to correctly say Triple H should be unworthy of the title shot since he lost two of them already, while Hassan is "undefeated" and thus more worthy. Batista asks for a match with Hassan to shut them up, and Batista levels Daivari just to be a bitch.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A few questions:
1. Is Hassan-Batista a title match?
2. If he wanted a title match so badly, why didn't he just grab a hammer and hit Batista's bandage with it? That seems to be all you need to get a title shot these days.
3. What happens if Triple H gets drafted to SmackDown? I guess that's the reason for the contract signing so it all becomes on the level regardless of the draft and all, but somebody probably should have thought that out.
Segment4
Triple Threat Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: Shelton Benjamin� vs. Robert Conway vs. Sylvain Grenier
Why isn't Daivari in this one since he pinned Benjamin last week? Jesus, people, you just showed the clip and can't remember what's going on from week to week! Conway and Grenier try to upstage each other before the bell. La Resistance double teams Benjamin as JR informs us that Jake Roberts actually made it to another birthday. They argue amongst themselves but still manage to focus on the champion. Benjamin fights back and knocks Grenier to the floor with a kneelift, then backdrops Conway. Pulldown backbreaker for 2. Grenier reenters the ring just in time to hit the Hart Attack, but neither man can get the pin without the challengers breaking the pins, so they begin to fight each other. Conway clotheslines Grenier over the top rope, and Benjamin clotheslines Conway over the top rope. Double baseball slide, and Shelton rolls Conway into the ring. Up to the top he goes, and he gets a flying clothesline for 2. Again the challengers fight each other, and Conway gets the reverse neckbreaker in for 2. Did the crowd just start chanting "separate"? Benjamin back in, and he dragon whips Grenier into Conway. Conway falls to the floor, while Grenier walks into the exploder powerslam for the pin at 6:27. Benjamin's reign could reach Honky Tonk Man length at this rate.
The Highlight Reel is next.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Pretty formulaic here, as the challengers, being regular tag team partners, work together for a while before eventually fighting each other, although you get the added element that they're not really getting along anyway. Decent, although I was seriously expecting something much shorter.
Segment 5
Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel!
Before he introduces his guest, Jericho says he did an autograph signing earlier today and didn't nearly get to everybody. He feels sorry for the kids, but their parents should have known to come earlier if they wanted their kids to get their autograph. He also says his guest next week will be the first SmackDown wrestler to be drafted to Raw. He finally brings out Kane and asks how he's feeling now that the woman he raped and forced to marry her is actually a cheating slut. The only person I feel sorry for in this entire situation isn't even with the company anymore, and they expect this angle to draw money. Jericho then makes reference to Kane being a premature ejaculator and calls him a chick before Kane starts charging. Edge then asks Kane how it felt to be speared by Edge two weeks ago -- and how it feels to know Edge has been spearing his wife. Kane doesn't answer, so Edge goes over all the excuses Lita used when she was really seeing Edge. In comes Lita from the safety of the locker room, and she says she's officially filed for divorce. Supposedly that makes the divorce official even though Kane's never signed the papers and there's been no court date or anything like that. The "You screwed Matt" chants kick in, and Edge and Lita make their way to the commode to flush Lita's wedding ring down the toilet.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Sadly, last week I heard Lita's promo and figured this heel character was going to be just the shot in the arm she needed to salvage her career. Sadly, she's gone back to boring me in one fell swoop. One quick note: Jericho actually said he'd never been dumped by a woman, apparently forgetting a storyline with Trish Stratus that lasted at least six months last year.
Segment 6
Eric Bischoff reiterates what he plans to do about the ECW One Night Stand pay-per-view last week, and I'm making out a mix of "EC-DUB" and "BWO" chants. So why, if he's anti-ECW, is he sanctioning the following table match? To prove he can "out-ECW ECW". Oh, and Edge just happens to be the first member of Bischoff's anti-ECW party.
Table Match: Chris Benoit vs. Edge (w/Lita)
For those of you who are unaware, the first man to go through a table loses. Benoit drives some knees into Edge's midsection, then chops away. Running forearm smash. Edge begins to fight back as Bischoff calls ECW fans "lemmings". If they would have fallen off a cliff, they'd be dead by now. Benoit regains the advantage and drives some knees into Edge's back until Edge rolls out of the ring. Back into the ring, and Benoit snap suplexes Edge. A loud "You screwed Matt" chant. Edge reverses a corner whip and follows in with an elbow. Edge goes for a table, but Benoit stops it with a tope suicida.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Already longer than last week's ECW rules match, and without all the weaponry. Still, a good spot for the commercial break, as we establish that tables are a part of the match without going overboard trying to get it involved.
Segment 7
Edge rolls Benoit back into the ring. Forearm smashes. Benoit trips Edge and lays in the right hands, and they're reversed by Edge. Edge misses a dropkick, and Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter but can't lock it in. Corner whip by Edge and a spear. Edge tries to bring the table into the ring but gets met with a baseball slide instead. Benoit sets the table up, then grabs Edge so that his groin is straddled on the bottom rope. Ouch. Benoit tries to German Edge off the apron through the table, and they go through a series of suplex reversals until Benoit suplexes Edge into the ring. They try to get to the table again, but Edge lays Benoit out in the ring with a hard forearm. Benoit keeps Edge from going off the top rope, then baseball slides him to the floor. Benoit's under the ring for a second table. He sets it back up in the ring and focuses his attention to Edge. He tries a superplex through the table, but Lita moves the table to save her "boyfriend" from certain defeat. She tosses the briefcase to Edge, but the first of Benoit's rolling German suplexes sends the briefcase flying. Benoit places Edge on the table and climbs to the turnbuckle. Lita grabs the foot to buy some time, and Bischoff calls out Maven and Tyson Tomko to go after Benoit. Benoit begins fighting them off, so out comes Gene Snitsky to kick Benoit in the face. It remains 4-on-1 until Edge takes Benoit through the table with a power bomb at 15:28 to get the win. Bischoff promises Paul Heyman that this is just an example of what his crusade will be like at One Night Stand.
We'll hear from Triple H next?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Why is it that a 1-on-1 table match went longer than pretty much every multiman table match ever? An OK match that was hampered by the table stipulation, and we now know four members of Bischoff's anti-ECW faction. But Tomko without Christian? And where was Nova to counteract Maven? They've got to at least touch on that connection at some point, don't they?
Segment 8
Batista will meet Muhammad Hassan within a couple of segments here, but first, we have to relive what happened with Triple H and Batista last week when THEY ALREADY FUCKING SHOWED IT TO US!
We go to the WWE TV Studios in Stamford, Connecticut. JR flat out asks why he thinks he's worthy of another shot, but he conveniently avoids the question to talk to Batista. Anyway, Hunter says he's the puppet master and Batista's the puppet. Batista's now a wounded animal, and a wounded animal either becomes more aggressive or it becomes submissive. What's going on in the crowd that they're cheering? Anyway, Hunter thinks Batista's becoming submissive, so the final act in the play is going to be Hell in a Cell. And Triple H has ended careers in Hell in a Cell. As Hunter goes over the rigors of Hell in a Cell, apparently someone gets ejected from the arena as the crowd sings "Na Na Hey Hey Goodbye".
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Look, I'm going to give WWE the perfect example of why Triple H needs to be depushed right now (and not just because of the "boring" chants during the promo). My co-workers are casual fans. They don't read the sheets, they don't chat on internet message boards, but they know what they do and don't like. And every single one of them came up to me last week and asked me the same question: "Why does Triple H have to get involved in everything?" For the love of God, that means STOP PUSHING HIM IN THE MAIN EVENTS! I'm sorry for shouting, but listen to the people. Did you hear that crowd? They seemed more interested in a fight in the crowd or a chick flashing them or whatever it was than they were in Triple H's obligatory promo. People who you supposedly cater to want Triple H pushed into the background. Listen to the people.
Segment 9
Chris Masters is out for the Master Lock Challenge, and he's upped the stakes to $10,000, but the offer is now only valid for someone in the locker room since nobody in the crowd can even come close. Val Venis answers the challenge. Masters says he's a fan since his old college roommate has all of Val's movies, so it'll be an honor to make him pass out. Venis makes some not-so-subtle erection references in saying he can break the hold. Val cautiously sits in the chair, and Masters attacks from behind and gets some shots in to the back of the neck before locking in the hold. Val fights valiantly, kicking off the turnbuckle in a vain attempt to break the hold before eventually passing out.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, if they're starting to get the actual wrestlers involved in this, then we're probably a few weeks away from seeing it broken. Then comes the true test. Can Masters actually, you know, wrestle? For more than two minutes at a time? Against guys who don't lose to lesser talents every week? This actually worked pretty well tonight since Val came within an eyelash of actually breaking the hold instead of automatically passing out.
Segment 10
Christian comes out to cut a promo, and he's insanely over. I don't think it's just because he's from Canada either. With the draft beginning next week, he's been watching SmackDown and noticing they're missing something. They've got Americans, Mexicans, Japanese, Frenchmen, a giant, a st-st-stutter, a dead man, and "a rapping hip hop poser champion that couldn't make me say 'I Quit' even if he forced me to listen to his lameass CD," but they don't have a Canadian. So next week, either Christian stays on Raw, or SmackDown gets a taste of the 3 Cs: "Charisma, Canada, and Christian."
The main event is next.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A great promo by the super over Captain Charisma, and I think SmackDown is in urgent need of this guy. Gotta have somebody to watch on that lameass show. That's about six weeks in a row that Christian has had the line of the night on Raw.
Segment 11
Next week, the site of the first Hell in a Cell Match hosts the contract signing for the next Hell in a Cell Match. Plus, Chris Jericho interviews the newest member of the Raw roster.
Non-Title Match scheduled for one fall: Muhammad Hassan (w/Daivari) vs. World Heavyweight Champion Batista
Hassan charges before the bell, but Batista just casually elbows him coming in. Hard shoulderblock by Batista. Hassan rolls to the floor for a Tastykake break. Batista follows and clotheslines Daivari, but Hassan DDTs him as he tries to reenter the ring. A kick to the head, and solid strategy by Hassan here, as Batista likely has a concussion from the sledgehammer shot last week. Choke against the ropes. Neckbreaker for 2. Cobra clutch. Batista uses a flying mare to break the hold, then he gloms Hassan with a stiff lariat. The match becomes all Batista, as he hits a series of shoulderblocks into the corner. Spinebuster, and Batista's woozy, but not so woozy that he can't slam Daivari off the top rope when he tries to interfere. Batista with clotheslines to Hassan and knees to Daivari, and Daivari's busted wide open. Batista turns his attention to Hassan in the corner, shoving Mike Chioda aside a couple of times before refusing to break a choke in the corner and getting disqualified in 4:45. That's gotta be an upset. Batista continues to beat on everybody for a while, busting Hassan open with a sick chair shot in the process. Daivari gets a Batista Bomb just because somebody's gotta get a Batista Bomb, and Batista gives on to Hassan for good measure.
END OF SHOW
Good psychology with Hassan working on the head of Batista. I also liked the DQ finish and postmatch beatdown, as it helps put Hunter's promo over: The wounded animal has become more aggressive. Not the result Triple H wants, I'm sure, but it proved him correct. My lone complaint is Hassan basically got destroyed here, possibly taking away the effect of Hassan's first pinfall loss.
Overall, nothing actively sucked, nothing was really good. This show was just kind of there. And OK, we're building toward two PPVs and a draft all in one shot here so there's only so much they can do. They did a fair job of getting the storylines progressed, but calling this a good show would be kind of a stretch.
I've got double duty for SmackDown this week, so join me then and drop me some feedback while you're waiting.
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