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Britney Spears: A Smart Marks Exclusive
Posted by Danny "Kinetic" Gregory on Aug 24, 2002, 00:25

Britney Spears: A Smart Marks Exclusive
By Danny "Kinetic" Gregory

Who doesn't love Britney Spears? Since winning over the public in 1998 with her full, heaving melodies and thick, juicy bass lines, Spears has gone on to become one of the world's most beloved and influential personalities; she even recently topped Forbes magazine's list of the most powerful celebrities, besting the likes of Oprah Winfrey in the process. It understandably shocked much of the world when she announced a hiatus from her recording career recently and many are wondering what the future may hold for the trailer park prodigy. That's why it gives me great pleasure to bring you this Smart Marks exclusive synopsis of a recent interview Ms. Spears gave to People magazine, which is most assuredly a top publication when it comes to music news and reviews. Read on and enjoy:

o--She begins the interview by describing the severe injury she suffered while spying on Brad Pitt. She makes no attempt to apologize for her unsavory behavior, although she does admit to feeling "like the biggest dumbass ever." It's comforting to see that not even the biggest of celebrities are above stalking famous members of the opposite sex. All of you guys out there cutting letters out of magazines to aid in your composition of a love letter to Britney Spears, take heart: She's into that sort of thing!

o--Despite the breakup of her relationship with NSync's Justin Timberlake, the divorce of her parents, diminishing returns from her creative ventures, and poor public reception in both Mexico and London, she denies rumors of a meltdown. She even agreed to allow the interviewer to check the contents of her purse, which surprisingly yielded neither photographs of Brad Pitt taken from the tree in his front yard nor alcohol. Whether or not she drank it all prior to the interview was unknown as of press time.

o--Says that her days as a teen role model are over, citing the overwhelming urge to drink, smoke, and fuck as explanations for the change of heart. She claims that the recent photo of her smoking a cigarette was taken out of context, as she was simply holding it for a friend. Someone please send me an e-mail and remind me to cancel that shipment of "Britney Spears Smoking a Cigarette" commemorative t-shirts. She also refuses to apologize for flipping the bird at a group of Mexicans. Well...that's a little weird. She goes on to admit to snuggling with Leonardo DiCaprio in a well-known brothel, surrounded by dozens and dozens of nude women. Our little girl is all grown up.

o--She reneges on her 1999 vow to abstain from sex until marriage. I'm in a state of shock. She proceeds to more or less insinuate that she has, in fact, had sex, claiming that she "is no different than anyone else my age." Hey, I know plenty of twenty year olds that aren't having sex. A lot of them write for this very site, in fact.

o--Her three albums combined have grossed $46 million worldwide, although her most recent effort, Britney, sold a paltry and embarrassing 3.8 million copies. When you compare that with the 10.4 million copies of Baby One More Time currently occupying the shelves of used CD stores everywhere, you see where the doomsday proclamations are coming from. Britney remains unfazed, however. That her lack of concern is most likely attributable to heavy drug use is pure conjecture.

o--She claims to have been recently told by a psychic that she has a fear of intimacy, which certainly explains the Brad Pitt stalking thing. She claims that her breakup with Timberlake was very mutual and due to conflicting schedules, rather than the previously reported "creative differences." She also denies allegations of substantial weight gain, claiming that yoga, not binging of any sort or doing lines of coke off the ass of a 14 year old groupie, is what's helped her cope with a difficult 2002. She's ready to date again--mothers, lock up your sons--but laments her inability to flirt discreetly, given the whole multimillionaire thing. She goes on to use the word "ass" for the second time in the interview. I'm not sure I like this new Britney.

o--She seems to be diabolically ecstatic about the breakup of her parents' 30-year marriage. Goddamn! Misery loves company, I guess. She claims to pray every night for her aunt, who is suffering from ovarian cancer. Whether this prayer occurs before or after the sex, drugs, and profanity-laden outbursts wasn't touched upon.

o--She plays coy when asked about being greeted by 3,000 British moviegoers chanting "Britney go home" at the London premier of her film Crossroads. She also makes no apologies for leaving a Mexico City concert five songs into the set, claiming that "it wasn't safe." Racist bitch!

o--She claims that when the tour ended, she was so excited that she partied every night. Drinking, smoking,'s all fair game for every thirteen year old girl's role model. She feels comfortable nude and has no qualms about uninhibited monkey sex. I don't know whether to be disgusted or aroused.

o--She closes the interview by pondering her future as so many her age do, although with the added benefit of being incredibly rich at 20. She claims to be the happiest she's been "in a really long freakin' time." Junkie.

o--There are a few pictures here that should only add to the perception that Britney Spears is now not a girl, not yet a prostitute. There's one in which she removes her bikini top in broad daylight while prowling the sidewalk. Harlot! There's yet another in which she palms the ass of her younger sister. I can't even find the words.

What can you really say after something like that? Britney Spears is rapidly degenerating into a disgusting pig-woman who is in no way a suitable role model for our children. This interview, as well as a recent single that went so far as to advocate slavery (of Mexicans, no doubt), should be more than enough evidence that Britney Spears is no longer the girl we all fell in love with. This former fan has had more than enough of her shameless whoring about and I plan on disposing of all of my Britney memorabilia. Farewell and good riddance.

On the bright side, she's available and she puts out. It's a lot to consider.

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