Movies / TV
Books / Comics
" The Gravel Pit "
WWE Heat Recap: September 8, 2002
Posted by FakeRazor on Sep 8, 2002, 21:48
Before we begin, I’d like to point you all to BAHGAWD.co.uk which is quite possibly one of the funniest sites I have ever seen. Here’s an excerpt:
"Ah got home and mah beautiful wife greeted me. She served up some pork chop, with mah famous BBQ sauce. MM-mmmm deeelicious. Ah then served up mah own meat and took that biatch for a ride in the dawg house. Ah had a new attitude goddammit, ah was a certified badass, and believe me folks, that makes a whole lotta change from having a certified bad ass. Gone were the days of this Okie bastard respecting ladies and the other folk. The hood had such a great impact on mah self, that although ah am one handsome stud, ah just didn’t feel right no more in my body, so ah got me a new one. That surgery cost me a damned fortune, and you can see the results below. But, bah god, that damned surgeon shrunk mah bah god head. Good god almighty, you smelly bulbous SONOFABITCH, you shrunk my bah god head. Ah thought ah knew ya, bah god ah thought you had the skills. Nevertheless, ah have a nice ass now, and my new and improved member satisfies Ms JR, plus all them bah god hoes that ah be pimping."
Funny shit huh? All right, let’s get down to business.
I’m hyped for this show for one reason and one reason only. Shelton Benjamin’s titantron. IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS!
Your announcers are, as per usual, D’Lo Brown and Jonathan Coachman.
Here comes Victoria, sporting a tight green number. Looks like she’s got a match tonight. Hopefully it’s against someone decent. Dammit, it’s the old PMS theme. That can’t be good. Gah, it’s Jacqueline, this match probably won’t be too good. Hey, at least she’s not on commentary!
Match One: Victoria vs. Jacqueline
They tie up to start. Jacqueline turns it into a side headlock, but Victoria powers out and slams Jackie into the mat. Tie up again, wristlock by Victoria and another shove to the mat. Victoria poses for the crowd, and Jackie sneaks up from behind with an axehandle and a sloppy looking drop toehold. Victoria is quick to her feet, but gets hit with two armdrags from Jackie followed by a whip, which she reverses. Powerslam by Victoria for two. An elbowdrop from Victoria gets another two count. Damn, I’m just noticing the fine-ness of Victoria’s ass as she goes for those covers. Legdrop by Victoria… another two count. She beats Jackie’s head into the corner a few times and foot chokes her. Whip by Victoria, but Jacky manages to pull off a sunset flip for two. Victoria gets back up and quickly scoop slams Jackie for two. Lots of covers in this match. Sidewalk slam for two by Victoria. She gets Jackie back up, and clubs her in the back of the neck and sends Jackie into the corner. Victoria charges at Jackie, but gets met with a boot to the face, and some clotheslines. Jackie whips Victoria into the corner, followed by a German Suplex! Wow, I didn’t know Jackie had that in her! Twas a decent suplex too. Jackie hits two spinning heel kicks and a cover! 1…2…3! Jackie wins. Well, that doesn’t make any sense. Jackie is hardly ever on TV and they’re trying to build Victoria up as a force in the women’s division… why the hell should Victoria lose cleanly. Whatever. Not a bad women’s match I guess.
Next, Howard Finkel confronts Raven and says he’s mad he’s been relegated to Heat. Howard isn’t down in the dumps about this though, because the great Howard says he’ll bounce back in no time and will be back on RAW. I sure hope so; Lillian Garcia BLOWS as a ring announcer. Let Lillian stick to her singing career and let someone who actually knows the names of all the wrestlers do the ring announcing.
Raven interrupts Howard and cuts a decent promo calling Heat his playground yet again; and referring to all the wrestlers on the show as his pawns. “Quote the Raven… Nevermore.”
They shill a matchup between Spike Dudley and Raven tonight, and it’s time for our first commercial break.
And… we’re back.
IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS! WOOOOOOO! Here comes Shelton Benjamin! Sounds like his theme has been tweaked a little bit; it’s a rap theme. I don’t remember him having that when I went to RAW. Oh well, this episode of Heat has jumped the shark for me, as I have seen the one thing I wanted to. Benjamin has new tights; they’re black with blue flames on the side. Quite cool looking if you ask me. Benjamin gets a decent reaction from the crowd. His opponent… Shawn Stasiak. Stasiak gets decent heat from the crowd. He’s also got new tights. They’re black with a purple design and purple text that says “Planet Stasiak” on the back. They’re a definite improvement on his last pair of tights.
Hmmm, haven’t we seen this match before? Ah yes, this was Benjamin’s second match, from a couple of weeks ago.
Match Two: Shawn Stasiak vs. Shelton (IT’S ALL ABOUT THE) Benjamin
They tie up to start. Stasiak breaks, and they tie up… again. Stasiak taunts Benjamin, and Benjamin side headlocks him. Stasiak breaks and tries for a hiptoss, but Benjamin lands on his feet and hits a hiptoss of his own, followed by an armdrag and a scoop slam in a quick succession. He slams Stasiak’s head into the mat a few times, and picks him up for a whip. Stasiak reverses, but misses his clothesline. He throws Benjamin over the top rope… BUT Benjamin holds on and skins the cat. Stasiak is taunting the crowd so he of course couldn’t see what Benjamin did. Benjamin throws Stasiak over the top rope. As Stasiak climbs back in, he jawbreakers Benjamin across the rope. Stasiak climbs to the top rope… and hits a flying clothesline for two. Stasiak goes to work stomping away on the rookie, followed by a blatent choke, broken at four. Stasiak hits a front suplex for two. Benjamin gets up and fights back with some right hands. He backs Stasiak into a corner, but gets tossed onto the turnbuckle when he tries to charge at Stasiak. Stasiak stomps Benjamin a few times, and sets Benjamin’s throat up across the second rope. Knee to the back, broken at four. Snapmare on Benjamin, followed by a sleeper hold. The crowd tries to revive Benjamin, and he breaks out and tries for a Sunset flip. Stasiak maintains his balance and punches Benjamin a few times. Stasiak taunts the crowd, but Benjamin hooks Stasiak’s arms with his legs and rolls him up for two. Clothesline by Stasiak followed by more stomping. Stasiak vertical suplexes Benjamin, but he lands on his feet and neckbreakers Stasiak! Nice reversal. Time for the ref’s 10 count. Stasiak is up first at 5. They brawl back and forth, with Benjamin gaining the advantage with some quick punch and kick combinations. Benjamin takes Stasiak down with a spinning back elbow. HOLY SHIT, he spun around at a million miles an hour. Stasiak gets up but is met with a Benjamin clothesline. Baaaaack body drop by Benjamin for two. Benjamin tries to whip Stasiak into the corner, but gets reversed. Benjamin comes out of the corner and gets hit with a hard spinebuster by Stasiak. Cover… 1…2…KICKOUT by Benjamin. Stasiak looks frustrated, and tries for a back suplex, but Benjamin lands on his feet. Stasiak turns around as Benjamin tries for a kick. Stasiak grabs his leg, but Benjamin whirls around and hits his Roundhouse Enziguri, which has now been coined “The Money Clip!” COVER… 1…2…3! Benjamin gets the W. Not a bad match.
Goldust vs. Steven Richards is next. They shill for HBK vs. HHH from Summerslam.
BAH GAWD, IT’S COMMERCIAL TIME! DAMMIT!
We’re back with an Unforgiven shill, and clips of HHH vs. HBK from Summerslam, a match that exceeded my expectations. Following the match clips, HBK’s interview from RAW is shown. “Everybody knows that I’m not a doctor, and even worse… I don’t play one on TV.” Jeez, looks like HBK’s sense of humor has faded more than his in ring ability.
They shill for Goldust vs. Richards again, and Spike vs. Raven. Oh, and a WWE magazine shill… this week’s issue features an article about Booker T.
And now, a word from our sponsors.
We’re back with clips from Raven vs. D’Lo Brown from last week, which is one of the best matches Heat has put out this year.
Speaking of Raven, here he is! He gets decent heat from the crowd, which causes D’Lo to spring out of his seat and stare him down. Here comes Spike Dudley, who gets a decent pop from the crowd. Raven ought to pick up the win here. “E-C-DUB!” chants fill the arena.
Match Three: Raven vs. Spike Dudley
Raven stares at D’Lo to start, and then ties up with Spike. He gets Spike in the corner, but keeps staring at D’Lo. Another tieup, and Raven chops Spike down with some rights. Raven whips Spike, but Spike comes back at him with spinning flying head scissors. He clotheslines Raven over the top rope, and hits a plancha. He tosses Raven back in the ring, and stomps on him in the corner. Spike whips Raven, but Raven reverses it and sends Spike SLAMMING into the turnbuckle hard. Raven whips Spike into the other corner, and clotheslines him as he’s coming off the corner for two. Raven starts working on the shoulder with a bulldog off the top rope, where he lands on Spike’s shoulder. Cover… 1…2…Spike grabs the rope. Raven guillotines Spike into the bottom rope, and whips Spike. He catches Spike in a sleeper hold. Spike gets out of it with a neckbreaker, but Raven goes right back to the sleeper. Raven turns it into a side headlock, and forces Raven into the ropes. He whips Raven across the ring, and catches him in a sleeper of his own. Raven picks Spike’s legs up and backs him into the corner, and gets out of the sleeper. Spike goes right back to it, but Raven gets out with a back suplex. 10 count from the ref…Both men get up at 9. Spike hits a battering ram right into Raven’s dick. Ouch! Spike is in control with rights and lefts, followed by a running bulldog and a clothesline for two. He whips Raven into the corner, but Spike gets hit with a knee to the midsection as he charges at Raven. Raven whips Spike, but Spike twists the arm. Raven picks Spike up and powerbombs him. 10 PUNCHES OF DOOM! D’Lo gets up on the announce table to distract Raven. Spike hits a backslide on an unsuspecting Raven… 1…2…3! Spike gets the upset win, and more fire is thrown to the Raven vs. D’Lo feud.
They shill HHH getting the RAW title as the next segment on the show, meaning its time for more commercials.
We’re back with clips of D’Lo vs. Spike, and during the break D’Lo had to be restrained by the Coach from kicking Raven’s ass.
RAW Recap: Triple H is awarded the RAW title
They soooooo should have held a tournament. “There is no one who deserves this title more than me!” says Hunter. Yeah… right. It was obvious that HHH would be the champ, but at least let it look like the guy put in a little effort. RAW might have actually been a little more entertaining if they started a tournament that night. Kudos to the WWE for using the WCW tape library when showing Flair with the ol’ NWA title and other things. Triple H vs. Ric Flair clips are shown, which of course was won by HHH. Hey, RVD ran in though making for a decently interesting feud. I wonder how good a HHH vs. RVD will be. Guess we’ll find out at Unforgiven… shame RVD will be doing the JOB as he got a clean win over HHH on RAW. They trashed the potentially great RAW main event of RVD vs. Chris Jericho for the next match they show clipped, RVD and Ric Flair vs. Chris Jericho and HHH.
Cocktail napkin booking is evident this month. If they’re going to give RVD a world title push, why did he have to win the IC title off of Benoit? Are they making this shit up as they go? I’ll let the reader decide that one.
They shill Goldust vs. Richards as the main event before they fade to commercials.
I don’t know what it is, but lately I’ve become a Steven Richards fan again. The man oozes charisma and still is a decent talent despite some injuries holding him back a bit.
WWE Rewind is up now, this time Booker T beating Regal and pleasing the crowd with a tremendous spinneroonie.
We’re back, and they hit Kronik’s old theme. It’s time for some WHACKO Steven Richards action! Richards gets decent heat from the crowd. His opponent is Goldust, who the crowd goes nuts for.
Match Four: Goldust vs. WHACKO Steven Richards
They tie up to start, and WHACKO Steven breaks it and taunts the crowd. Another tieup, and Richards backs Goldust into the corner. He tries for a clothesline, but no one’s home. Goldust rubs himself which gets a big pop from the crowd, but Richards shoves him. Goldust shoves back and knocks Richards on his ass, and hits him with some rights when he gets up. Goldy whips Richards and hits his patented butt bump. Another whip, this time reversed by Richards, but Goldust drops on his back and hits his trademark uppercut, followed by an armdrag right into an armbar. He gets Richards up and puts him in a Hammerlock. Richards tries to flip out, but lands on his back and Goldust drops a leg across the arm. He gets Richards up and puts him back in the hammerlock. He whips Richards into the corner, still holding onto the lock. He whips Richards again, this time releasing the hold. Goldust goes right back to the arm with an armbar, but Richards fights out with some brawling, and mocks Goldust’s taunt by rubbing himself. Goldust is pissed and picks Richards up by his throat and delivers some stiff chops. Goldust tries for a whip, but Richards reverses it and sends Goldust into the corner backwards, and hits a nice neckbreaker for two. Goldust gets back up, but gets hit with some chops and a snapmare. Richards keeps right on Goldust with an elbowdrop for two. Richards stays on Goldust with a side headlock. Goldust fights out with some punches and hits a sunset flip for two. Richards clotheslines Goldust, and hits some mounted punches. He gets Goldust back up and hits some more stiff chops and a front dropkick for two. Richards whips Goldust again and tries for the front dropkick, but Goldust holds onto the top rope and Richard’s lands on his ass. Goldust rolls him up with a bridge… 1…2…Richards gets the shoulder up. Richards fights back with some rights, but Goldust hits a powerslam. 10 count time… Richards is first up at 3, and they trade slaps. Richards gets hit with two clotheslines, and an atomic drop. One-handed chokeslam by Goldust! COVER… 1…2…KICKOUT! Goldust gets him back up and its time for the TEN PUNCHES OF DOOM! Goldust tries setting Richards up for Shattered Dreams, but Richards frees himself and tries for a superkick. Goldust grabs his leg, but Richards spins around and hits a clothesline for two. Richards sets Goldy up for a suplex, but Goldust fights out and hits the Curtain Call for three. The crowd goes nuts! Decent match.
Well another Heat is in the books. Not a bad episode of Heat this week; and I got to see Benjamin’s titantron again! The main event was pretty decent as well, as was this addition of Heat.
Feedback? Hate Mail? Contact his Fakeness at [email protected]
Have an undying urge to talk to FakeRazor and others like him on a regular basis? Then head over to The ALL NEW whacked Out wrestling, the best damn wrestling board out there! Now THE OFFICIAL Wrestlecrap Fan forum!