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Top 5 News Items of the Week!
Posted by Byron Vester on Sep 15, 2002, 22:48
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:::: Can You Dig It� SUUUUUCKAAAAAA!!!! hits on the speakers ::::
Wassup, bootches? Welcome to the Jun�errr� my debut Top 5 News Items of the Week(damn that sounds lame). I am your host, Byron Vester, and in case you DIDN�T get the memo, the reason why I�m doing this instead of Dames is because I kidnapped him, chopped his body up into little pieces and fed him to pidgeons. I�ll be expecting my cash in the mail, Tom, so don�t forget, dammit!
Okay, all fun aside, Dames has been ridden pretty hard the past couple of months and so to make the strain easier on him, I was given the reigns to the Sunday news column, so LOVE ME, FEAR ME, TREMBLE IN DESPAIR!!! Okay, okay� enough with the lame jokes, I know, ya bastards. Anyways, the Friday news column is finished, so for all 3 of my readers, just look for me on Sundays from now on.
Site going-ons aside, how about all the football we�ve seen lately? Fuck, I almost had a heart attack when my precious Crimson Tide almost beat Oklahoma Yokels and I�ll be damned if my Jacksonville Jaguars didn�t step up and shut down the Chiefs today, as well. Speaking of shutting down, this is for ALL Nebraska Horsefucker fans: BWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Eat THAT, you sorry pieces of trash! Man� getting murdered by friggin� Penn State, what a glorious afternoon yesterday was. Sorry for all the excessive gloating, but dammit, I�ve been holding that in for YEARS now.
Alrighty, now that I got you all fearing for my sanity, let�s get on with show, eh?
The Top 5 News Items of the Week
5. Daddy, Daddy!!!! The Hosses keep falling!!!
Sadly, Bradshaw tore his left biceps and will more than likely be gone for about 4 to 6 months. The injury happened during his quickie tag title match with Kane against the Un-Americans, BUT, since he�s �TEXAS TOUGH�(tm JR), he may be back sooner. In all seriousness, it sucks when ANYBODY gets injured, regardless of what I or anybody else personally thinks of them, so here�s hoping to his recovery(turns in SmartMark ID card).
Please credit Jim Ross of WWE.com
4. RAW Goes Down Worse Than Missy Hyatt
Contrary to Vince�s beliefs, Hot Lesbian Action failed to draw as RAW checked in with a pathetic 3.4 rating on Monday, despite spending damn near the ENTIRE show pimping the fuck out of the HLA segment and Jerry Lawler stroking himself on-air every 5 seconds(fuck you, Lawler) and generally acting like a 12 year old boy finaly figuring out that his �little man� can be used for more than just pissing. What a fucking joke. If they are REALLY trying to bury Eric Bischoff just to make Her Highness look good, they are succeeding since Bisch looks like a total nothing for hyping crap like that which got them in some serious shit with TNN(although those spineless jellyfish won�t do shit anyway since RAW is the highest rated show they have). Ahhhhh, Vince McMahon, willing to do ANYTHING to get ratings at this point. And there�s talk of Vince talking to Dusty Rhodes about shoring up the booking team, so I�d be VERY afraid right now because you NEVER know when Russomania will rear it�s ugly head around Titan Towers again�
Please credit Dave Meltzer of the Wrestling Observer and Nielson Media Research
3. A KLIQ Invasion?
Well, I guess Jerry Jarrett is hoping that lightening strikes thrice because he�s booked not only Scott Hall for the next NWA:TNA show, but his good buddy, the recently released Sean Waltman, a.k.a. X-Punk, and possibly his former Degenerate partner, Road Mutt. Hall and Waltman are entered in the tag team gauntlet for the tag titles since they were held up due to A.J. Styles and Jerry Lynn having a lover�s spat� errrr� feud, I mean. Hey, if Hall can come back and still be semi-entertaining, then good for him. Maybe this�ll motivate Waltman into NOT being a lazy sack of shit in the ring and maybe go back to when he used to actually give a damn. On Road Dogg, I could care less, but if he doesn�t stink up the joint, then I have no problem with it at all(as if my opinion matters on the subject�).
Please credit Dave Meltzer of the Wrestling Observer
2. Bill O�Reilly makes an ass out of himself� again
In something that didn�t shock me at all, Bill O�Reilly had a segment on his show �The O�Reilly Factor� bashing wrestling in general, and the WWE in particular. The main focus of his rant was the gay wedding angle with Billy & Chuck as if the WWE had actually gone through with it(which of course they didn�t) and even went as far as to bring up the Lionel Tate case from a few years ago to support his opinion of pro wrestling as a �despicable industry�. Hey Bill, when you�re done masturbating after attempting to make Pepsi drop Ludacris from their advertising campaign since rappers promoting sodas means that they support street gangs and all that other crap, how about waking up to reality and doing some fucking research, eh? Fucking dipshit.
Please credit Dave Meltzer of the Wrestling Observer
And finally� YOUR NUMBER ONE NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK!!!!!
1. Low-Ki gets Piss-E
Well, I guess he could always take Anger Management classes or something� In a funny bit from the Torch, Low-Ki got into a spat with Tammy �Wide Load� Sytch over a fucking CHAIR! Apparently, Low-Ki doesn�t believe in being a gentleman, but then, maybe he was scared Tammy may eat him or something, but nonetheless, Chris Candido got involved and said chair ends up getting thrown by �Ki and hits someone that wasn�t involved and wasn�t injured, thank God. Man, how sad is it when two people fight over a goddamn chair? Did the entire world warp back to 3rd grade or something? And Low-Ki wonders why the WWE never picked up his ass� but then they have Bob Holly, though� Ah, fuck it.
Please credit the Pro Wrestling Torch newsletter
Well, that does it for me, I would pimp everyone else, but screw that, they should pimp ME� wait, that didn�t sound right, dammit! Argh. Anyways, the world should be realigned now and JHawk should be dropping by doing RAW tomorrow, so be sure to peep that. Dr. Tom(one of the hardest working guys on this site) will be back on Wednesday for the Midweek News, as always, and Smackdown! On Thursday. I�ll be back next Sunday with the Second Annual Top 5 News Items of the Week(WCW Starrcade joke), so I�ll see ya then, FOO�!
Later, bootches!
Byron Vester
The SmartMarks.com
E-mail me at: [email protected]
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