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TNA
Raw from JHawk's Beak (9/16/2002)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Sep 16, 2002, 23:26
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Raw from JHawk's Beak (9/16/2002)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
Question of the Week: What the hell did Joanie see in Chachi anyway? Come to think of it, what the hell did Chachi see in Joanie?
Anyway, I am back where I belong, sitting in front of my computer with a bag of tortilla chips and a jar of salsa by my side and the TV tuned into the new TNN for Eric Bischoff's Raw! And all of you are going, "Yeah, whatever, when's Dr. Tom's next news update?" The answer is "Wednesday if he's on time."
Whoever said "I have nothing to say that is either relevant or true" hasn't tried to write an introduction for a Raw recap. And that would be especially true today, because as of 3pm Eastern, wwe.com's Raw preview essentially asked "What are the writers working on? Because we don't know either." But expect buildup in the Triple H-Bubba Ray Dudley feud for the sole purpose of downplaying RVD's title shot at Unforgiven. Why? Because it drives the smarks absolutely batty! What other reason do you need?
Segment 1
We are L-I-V-E LIVE and it's Easy E sitting down in the ring and doing his own impression of Troy McClure. His appearance on SmackDown! was a one time shot because he can only do so much, but now he's back on Raw (to a chorus of boos...I can't figure out what the hell they want) with his new acquistion, Rico. And Rico's first match on Raw will be against Ric Flair. This could be interesting. Who will style and profile best? Is Bischoff just being in that spotlight a sign of what the crowd looks like? Bischoff thinks controversy brings money, and RVD and Triple H are to meet at Unforgiven, but first, they have to successfully defend their titles tonight, and he'll figure out what to do about the title picture when he comes to it, but he doesn't want boring, predictable TV. He'll leave that to Stephanie McMahon. Welcome to RAW! He got the crowd on his side by the end of the five minute bit, give him credit.
Opening theme, pyro, and we are at the Pepsi Center in Denver, Colorado! Good Ol' JR and The Pharaoh are here to bring you all the action!
And let's waste no time to bring out Hungry Hungry Hippos (who doesn't, unlike the other World Champion, know how to wear a belt) to waste TV time. He's not dressed to wrestle. Must be main eventing again. It's not standard, boring, predictable TV, so we open with a Triple H promo. To quote Rob Van Dam, "Whatever.". Everywhere Trips goes, he hears people saying he's going to lose to Rob Van Dam. We can only hope. But Hunter doesn't sweat RVD. He isn't scared. "As much as you love him, you have to come to the realization that Rob Van Dam is not championship material." Sadly, he thinks that's a shoot. We know better. "Van Dam can't cut the mustard." Who the hell cuts mustard and why does that have anything to do with wrestling? Anyway, it takes Hunter two minutes to tell us he hates hearing RVD chants. RVD! RVD! RVD! Sorry, couldn't resist. Thankfully, Rob...Van...Dam has finally come out to interrupt, and he's got his own mic. They all need headset mics like Rico had for the wedding. RVD: "Dude, you are seriously stressed out. It's coming off as anger." It's Rob Van Dam: Self Help Guru. Anyway, people love RVD because he's amazing and does cool moves and stuff. Hunter calls his anger a gift, and that's why he's World Heavyweight Champion. Oh, so he gets pissed and decides to put himself over. That's his secret. RVD congratulates Hunter on his success, and he actually puts over Triple H's work. "Nobody can deny that you can spit some water." RVD then imitates the water spitting. Dude, this is frickin' hilarious. "Everybody's gotta admit, that takes talent." So now Hunter can see why all these people love RVD. He's just like them--"a gross underachiever." Because even with the cool moves, he'll never amount to anything in this business. RVD has found the source of his anger...he needs fan approval. RVD prods the crowd into a "Rob...Van...Dam" chant. HHH with the cheap kick, but it's blocked, and RVD with a stepover spin kick right to the nose. You can't miss the target.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Jesus, cut to commercial a little quicker next time, why don't you? Maybe then we won't even see Triple H get kicked in the face. Anyway, Eric promises we won't have boring TV, and once RVD got out there this segment was quite entertaining, but Triple H is bombing big time. He got some good heat tonight...by saying RVD sucks and coming off as the political bastard everybody thinks he is. Face it. RVD was over, and he saved this segment.
Segment 2
Earlier today, the International Organization of Women were protesting over...something. They want equality but don't say what isn't equal.
One fall: The Man (WHOO!) vs. Rico
Ric Flair is curtain jerking? And tomorrow is the 21st Anniversary of his first World Title reign. *sigh* Feeling out process to start. Flair gets the better of a wrestling sequence, and hot damn is this crowd hot. Headlock takedown by Flair gets 2. Some pretty solid wrestling by both men, and another headlock takedown gets a count of 1. Rico starts using the martial arts to gain the advantage, using a roundhouse kick to force Flair to fall face first. Rico covers for 2. Flair with an elbow. And there are the chops! Flair stomps away at Rico, who rolls outside for a Tastykake break...and a chair. Flair simply steps on the chair ad suplexes Rico back in before covering for 2. Series of punches, and Flair accidentally knocks Charles Robinson aside. Flair goes for the chair, but decides against using it...and gets caught with a roundhouse kick for the pin at 3:57. JR sells it like the Houston Texans beating the Rams 48-0, and Rico even seems shocked.
Someone Feed Terri is with Booker T, and he asks about his match with Test. Somehow this turns into Booker giving us a French lesson, and he ended up going to summer school for French. So tonight, he'll pass the test, but he'll pass with it a number 5, as in 5-time WCW champion...SUCKA!
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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I'm not sure what they were going for with that match. It started off like it was going to be a 10-12 minute match, and all of a sudden it's over. I wish somebody would realize that you can't tell a good story with a four minute match unless you're Owen Hart and Sean Waltman at King of the Ring 1994. Nice to see they want to push Rico as a singles wrestler, but give him time to work.
Segment 3
The spokesperson for the IOW is not allowed in the building, so they'll protest where they're at, thank you. Save the hos! Save the hos! Oh.
One fall: Test vs. Booker T
Bradshaw is out 4-6 months with a torn bicep. On the count of three. Wait for it..........three! Awwwwwwww! Thank you. We're starting before the bell here. And early on it's all Booker until Booker has...something...blocked. What it was, only they know for sure. Test gets a side slam for 2. It all Test now, and he goes to work on Booker in the corner. Test decides to slow things down with an armbar. Booker fights out of it but is met with an elbow, which is enough for a count of 2. Booker comes back with a flying clothesline, and it's time for the CLASSIC comeback (tm D'Lo Brown). Takedown by Booker, and a legdrop that looked quite a bit low. There's the leg lariat, and Booker could win it, but he can't resist the urge to Spinnaroonie. That allows Test to avoid the scissor kick. Test goes for the pumphandle, but Booker floats out and lands on the apron. Scissors kick with Test's throat over the top rope. Up top, missile dropkick for thr...NO? The crowd don't seem convinced. Test ducks a leg lariat and hits the Pumphandle, and this time it's Booker T just barely kicking out. Power bomb attempt is countered by a Bookercanrana (!), and there's the floatover sunset flip in the corner for the win in 5:53. Best Test match in months, possibly ever!
Terri is with Ric Flair, and she wants to know what Flair's thoughts are. Hunter uses this for cheap TV time, and he wants to know how Flair was a 16-time champion when he lost to Rico of all people. "You've lost it, Flair!" Hunter suggests that Flair retire, because this Ric Flair is pathetic. That wakes Flair up, and says what's really pathetic is bragging about a World Title that wasn't earned. I think we've got one of our title matches signed.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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I was all set to bitch about Test getting more time than Ric Flair, but that was actually pretty good when you consider that A) it was less than 6 minutes and B) Test was involved. And I liked the storytelling. Former tag team partners know what the other does, so they keep countering their big moves and win off of what is essentially a counter. Even Lawler acknowledged it.
However, I'm getting the feeling that we're going to cheapen the World Title even more. Anybody else see Flair winning the title from Hunter, then losing it to RVD, just because Hunter knows RVD has to go over Sunday but his ego won't allow it? And then we cheapen RVD's victory because Rico beat Flair and we're treating Rico like he's Israel Matia or Frankie Williams. Still 8 segments left, let's not jump the gun yet.
Segment 4
Coach is with Rebecca Loving of IOW, and the treatment of women on Raw has been deplorable, so they want to talk to Bischoff. I hope Rebecca's loving, she'd be quite cute without the glasses. What?
One fall for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Lance Storm and Christian (because the Jewish don't work on Yom Kippur)--champions vs. The New Dudley Boyz
Doesn't Bubba look gay in his shorts? He looks like Cledus T. Judd's bisexual lover. If you don't get the reference, don't ask. Bubba and Storm start, and Bubba gets to pretty much manhandle Storm. Spike in, and he has his way with Storm, but at least picks the pace up. Clothesline gets 2 before Christian saves, but Spike ends up chest first into the turnbuckle to become your face in peril. Lance Storm is going for a table, and Bubba is pissed at Earl Hebner for allowing such blatant gimmick infringement. The table stays on the floor. Storm powerslams Spike for 2. Now the champions double team Spike. Christian with a stomachbreaker for 2. Quick tag to Storm. Spike gets in a flying headscissors, and there's the "referee is distracted so it doesn't count" tag. And Bubba, being an idiot, bitches to allow Storm and Christian to double team. Inverted backbreaker by Christian for 2. Lawler sells the altitude as having an effect on stamina. Maybe he's listening to his e-mails. Christian with a suplex, but Spike turns it into an inside cradle for 2. That's it for the offense, and Storm is tagged in. And he locks in the chickenwing on Spike. Spike fights out and gets the hot tag, and in comes Bubba to clean house on two superior wrestlers. Spike with the Wuzzup Headbutt to Christian, but he slipped a bit on the ropes. That doesn't stop Bubba from asking for the tables. Flip flop and fly to Storm, football tackle to Christian, and Storm makes the save. Superkick by Storm to Bubba on the floor. Spike goes for the Dudley Dawg, but there's a double power bomb over the top rope through the table. Bubba and Christian in the ring...Bubba Bomb, but Hebner's checking on Spike. Storm charges with the belt, but Bubba backdrops Storm over the top. But that's just enough for Christian to roll up Bubba for the pin at 8:32. Damn, this is a night for surprisingly good matches, isn't it?
Backstage, Bischoff is talking to RVD's opponent...Y2J(2). Good, he gets the shot he was promised two weeks ago. A security guard tells Bischoff about the protestors, so Eric says "Let them in. I'll give them a few minutes."
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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This is Bizarro World, as Bubba Ray Dudley and Test both have passable matches on the same show. But two things made the match work, as it was a rather standard Dudley Boyz match. First off, the crowd was hot for the entire match, as the Un-Americans have insane heel heat and the crowd keeps thinking the title is going to change hands everytime they're in the ring. We're talking Honky Tonk Man-type heat except without all the DQ losses. Second, the commentary is actually focused on the matches rather than breasts, at least thus far.
Tell me you see what's going to happen to the IOW coming.
Segment 5
Back live, and Bubba is checking on a stretchered Spike, when Triple H comes into the shot for the sole purpose of laughing at Spike. GET THE FUCK OFF MY TV, PAUL!
One fall for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: Y2J(2) vs. Rob...Van...Dam--champion
Jericho comes to the ring.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Yep, that was the entire segment. Triple H appearing for no real reason. Now they're implying Bubba Ray is getting his shot tonight. In the next segment, Triple H will laugh at the IOW protest and Rebecca Loving will want a title shot. Because HHH+extra TV time=RATINGS! Just like last week, right?
Segment 6
One fall for the Intercontinental Championship: Y2J(2) vs. Rob...Van...Dam--champion (we mean it, it's really gonna start this segment)
Apparently Jericho went into Denver Bronco hate during the break. Are you sure he's a heel? Jericho eyes the belt like he's a kid looking at a lollipop. Wrestling early on, but RVD does get some of his kicks in to break up the boring wrestling stuff. Due to the protest, the Women's Title Triple Threat Match is postponed. Somehow I don't think you want to appease women's rights activists by cancelling a women's match. Baseball slide by RVD sends Jericho's head over the apron, so RVD nearly decapitates Jericho with a slingshot legdrop. Ouch! RVD up for the Five Star, but Jericho sends Charles Robinson into the ropes, and RVD lands crotch first on the turnbuckle. Jericho goes up and takes RVD down with a double underhook superplex, but he's too hurt to cover. Jericho starts working on RVD's back to set up the Walls of Jericho. Damn, psychology and everything! Backbreaker, and Jericho holds RVD there in a submission attempt. Jericho releases it and levels RVD with forearms, taunting RVD the whole time. RVD comes back with a bodyscissors rollup and gets 2, but Jericho regains the advantage and continues to work on the back. Double wristlock with the knee to the back, and it looks like RVD might have a busted lip. RVD comes back and catches Jericho in the face with a modified dropkick. And a stiff looking superkick that looked like a Larry Holmes jab. And it's all RVD. Rolling thunder for 2 1/2. Jericho ducks a side kick with a roll up, then goes for the Walls of Jericho, which RVD counters into a Victory roll. Stepover side kick, and up top...but here comes Triple H! And RVD takes Hunter down with a plancha! Jericho tries to take advantage and baseball slide RVD, but RVD avoids it. Back in, a flying side kick, and RVD with a split-legged moonsault for a near fall. Hunter hops to the apron and ends up in the ring, and RVD disposes of him, but Jericho reenters and puts on the Walls of Jericho. Hunter practicallys begs RVD to tap...and he does? We have a new Intercontinental Champion in 8:46, and I'm almost afraid to hear the feedback in the forums. Bischoff is now standing over top of RVD...and here comes the Pedigree. Which RVD actually takes, making him the first since about May 21, 2001 by my count.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Good match that loses something in Hunter's sensible (but annoying) interference. They're going to play this off as "Well, Hunter never touched him, so RVD's a wuss for tapping out." And they'll still play it off as Jericho wouldn't have done it without Hunter being at ringside. So who out of the three benefits? Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Somewhat sensible booking, but couldn't they do it in a way that doesn't make everybody else look weak in the process?
Segment 7
Backstage, the lesbians...er, I mean, the IOW, is being led into Eric Bischoff's office.
Also backstage, Chris Jericho is dousing himself with champagne, and he gets to brag to Bischoff about it. And he wants his rematch with Flair at Unforgiven. And Bischoff is going to make the match...and it's for the Intercontinental Title.
Let's give Mr. Extreme his own Desire video package to Our Lady Peace's "Not Enough". For those of you who want descriptions to this sort of thing, it's clips of Jeff Hardy to the tune of the song. I call it the easiest three minutes I'll have all night.
Backstage, William Regal is getting ready for his match with Kane, who hides behind his mask. Much like us Americans, who hide behind what the problems really are.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Let's run through this quickly.
Hasn't the IOW already had about 6 minutes of TV time?
Isn't that still about 25 minutes less than Triple H has had already?
I don't see Flair being relegated to I-C level (if he has any sort of title run in him at this point), so I'd bet Jericho's going to get his SummerSlam win back.
Contrary to popular belief, there are not enough 15-year-old girls who watch wrestling to warrant Jeff Hardy getting his own Desire video.
And Regal vs. Kane? This is a clash of styles, but it could be interesting if it gets as long as some of these other matches.
Who says you can't keep up with Crash TV?
Segment 8
We're live at Denver's Pepsi Center, and we don't know who Triple H's opponent is tonight. But you're not supposed to care, because Trips should be enough for you to want to watch, bah gawd!
One fall: William Regal vs. Kane
You can tell we're running long. Regal got promo time but no entrance. Regal attacks Kane from behind and gets Kane over the top to the floor. Regal is actually getting a fair amount of offense on the floor, then he rolls Kane into the ring and covers for 2. And Regal continues the onslaught with forearms. He hits people very hard in very safe places, remember. Kane begins to fight back, and he's simply clotheslining Regal into Hell since Bradshaw can't for 4-6 months. There's the side slam, and Kane to the top...flying clothesline! Regal reaches into his tights, there's Test to run-in for the DQ in 2:55...and Kane can't be stopped by two, so here come Storm and Christian. Here comes Bubba Ray to replace Bradshaw, here come Booker and Goldust, and the Americans clean house! And Booker's got the stick! Booker says they have no balls, so he issues the challenge for an 8-man tag at Unforgiven. Regal has a busted lip, but that doesn't stop him from accepting the challenge and generally acting pissed. That's what, 5 matches for the PPV now.
A security guard tells the IOW to come to the ring, because they have a public forum.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Will somebody please allow Regal enough time to show what he can do? On the one hand, he got a lot of ofense in for what he was given. The problem is, the offense was almost all forearms. Regal is probably the best pure wrestler on the Raw roster, and believe it or not, some people would like to see that type of thing once in a while. Of course, any longer with Kane would have looked like a train wreck. Anyway, they decided they had to have the 8-man tag, so let's throw Bubba Ray Dudley into the mix. I guess Dudleyville is somewhere in America. Probably near Hoboken.
Segment 9
And here is Eric Bischoff to give the IOW three minutes. Bischoff tries to say he believes women are equal but can't keep a straight face. Nice touch. Anyway, out come about 20 women, and it might take a lot of stiff kicks to clear the ring tonight. This Rebecca chick looks like a former interest of mine. Freaky. Anyway, they exist to preserve equal rights for women in entertainment, but with bra and panties matches, mud matches, and pillow fights, he's taken it to far. And last week, HLA (to a huge pop...DON'T get any ideas, Vince). Bischoff: "I don't know how I didn't see it. I'm surrounded by a horde of lesbians. Well, go ahead, ladies, get it on!" And he leads an HLA chant. Or is this about their 15 minutes of fame? "Well, ladies, I don't have 15 minutes. As a matter of fact ladies..." Stephanie McBitch is incognito near the back of the pack, kicks Bisch in the testicles, says "three minutes", and out come Billy and Chuck. They work over Bischoff, but Rosie and Jamal come out for the save. Billy and Chuck get the better of it and hightail it. Where the fuck is the rest of the roster?
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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::shakes head:: I cannot say I'm totally shocked (it was simply too easy to think Rosie and Jamal were coming out), but I have one major major problem. All the SmackDown! roster came out when Stephanie got her ass handed to her on Thursday. Where the fuck is the Raw roster? Face it, guys. WE HATE STEPHANIE AND WANT HER TO LOSE! This is why people popped on Thursday and why the pop wasn't nearly as loud tonight (in fact, most of them were booing). And now you're trying to show us the SmackDown roster is united but the Raw roster isn't? We aren't fucking buying it!
But hey, look at it this way, if you want a positive stance to it. Bischoff is still smarter than Stephanie. All Bischoff needed to pull one over on Stephanie was to disguise his voice and have Janet do his makeup. And he was right in view the whole time. Stephanie had to hire ten actresses and stay in the background. Hmm....
Brand extension? What brand extension?
Segment 10
Bischoff tells Stephanie that she will pay for this, so he issues the challenge for Unforgiven. SmackDown vs. Raw. Rosie and Jamal vs. Billy and Chuck. But there's a stipulation. If Chuck and Billy win, Bischoff will kiss Stephanie's ass. He'll like that. But if Rosie and Jamal win, then Stephanie gets to perform some hot lesbian action. So much for Rosie and Jamal winning their debut.
Start Game. Triple H's entrance will come in segment 10 to give Hunter even more TV time. Hell, Hogan didn't dominate Nitro like this! But before his opponent can show up, out comes Rob Van Dam with a spear to exact revenge on his loss earlier tonight. Referees are out to separate them, and I don't like how the crowd didn't react at all. RVD grabs the belt and hits Triple H in the face, and that got a pop. Johnny Ace and Fit Finlay have to carry RVD out of the ring as an anemic RVD chant starts.
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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Typical WWE. Kill the crowd, then let RVD get revenge from earlier tonight. Lovely. Now they can ignore that RVD was wildly cheered twice already and use that segment to justify not putting him over on Sunday. Thank you very much. And you're also seeing the problem with throwing something together for a PPV without any idea of long-term planning. That's three segments just trying to build toward the World Title match, and what other matches are there from Raw have absolutely no build-up to them (although the 8-man tag will have a ton of heat based on anti-American gimmick alone).
Segment 11
One fall for the World Heavyweight Championship: Hungry Hungry Hippos--champion vs. Mr. Extreme
Jeff Hardy? You have to be shitting me! Anyway, Hunter's busted open, Hardy charges the ring, and since Hunter's already weakened, Hardy's got to look credible by default. Hardy avoids the Pedigree early and gets several near falls. Up top for the Swanton, but Hunter rolls out of the ring. So Hardy does his running guardial clothesline. Back in, and a ropeflip moonsault gets 2. A charge, but Hunter side steps and sends Jeff to the floor. Can I root for a draw? That's the only way they can book this without pissing me off. Hunter with a suplex, and he climbs the ropes. Jeff up to meet him, and he drops Hunter on his head with a top-rope rana and gets a count of 2 3/4. Another charge, but Hunter moves and Jeff "hits" the ringpost shoulderfirst. Hunter goes up again, but Hardy elbows him off, and there's the Whisper in the Wind for 2 13/16. Jeff with the Twist of Fate, and up top for another Swanton. And he hits it, but he's slow to cover, and Hunter gets the foot on the bottom rope. Hunter quickly locks in a sleeperhold. Jeff turns his body to cut the leverage, and Earl Hebner stops the match without checking the arm in 5:41 to preserve the title match for Unforgiven. And out comes RVD again. Five Star Frog Splash to wake the crowd up, and he holds the belt over his head while standing over the champion! Please let that be a sign of things to come!
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END OF SHOW
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I was going to try to avoid going into a tirade about everything that was wrong with that match. But what the hell? Let's do it anyway.
1. Whereas RVD looked weak because he lost somewhat cleanly to Jericho, who hadn't won a TV match in months, Hunter gets to look like Jesus H. Levesque. He gets bloodied before the match, recovers from all of his opponent's best offense, and still goes over cleanly.
2. He goes over with a sleeperhold, where:
A. Outside of one fall in the Ironman Match with the Rock, nobody has used that move successfully in five years.
B. The referee doesn't even check the arm, which they've spent 20 years training us to believe was actually required before you could stop the match.
3. Since Hardy actually finished third in the previous week's top contenders match, what did he do to earn his title shot exactly?
I will credit Triple H with bumping somewhat, but he needs to learn the proper guys to put over and not to put over. Spike Dudley and Jeff Hardy have looked like guys who can beat Hunter, but Jericho looked like a pansy for three months. And you know with the show ending the way it did, WWE logic dictates that Hunter is going over RVD cleanly, and those of you who actually want a true change at the top are going to have to wait for World Champion Bubba Ray Dudley to see it.
Overall, good show for six segments, and then things went quickly downhill. Somebody remind me before next's week's show to get the HHHater clock ready to go, because I don't think I've seen one hour time limit draws with one guy on the screen for that long.
Remember, you have just finished Raw, the more popular of the two shows despite what the bookers are trying to make you believe.
You know where to contact me.
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