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The HHH Files
Posted by Danny Gregory on Jan 6, 2003, 18:29
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Make no mistake: HHH is a cultural menace, threatening to poison our society and jeopardizing our very future as a Republic. In light of this, I've spared no expense creating a network of whisteblowers ready and willing to report his every insidious machination. It's time to take back the streets, loyal readers. We begin this series of reports with a tale of conspiracy in Greenwich. Godspeed:
Triple H Wins Yard Of The Month Award For Eighth Consecutive Time
Greenwich, CT- For the eigth consecutive month, Triple H has won the Yard of the Month award in Greenwich's prestigious Ballentine community.
The lawn, which the official Ballentine press release describes as "majestic" and "impeccably hedged," is the most honored in the gated community's 24 year history. Detractors have arisen, however; 15 year Ballentine resident and former chairman of the Ballentine board of directors Charles Morton has spoken out publicly against "this enormous crock of shit."
"I mean, it's a nice lawn," said Morton, a four time Lawn of the Month honoree in his own right. "Good color, nice hedging, no crab grass to be seen; I envy him. I really do. But eight straigh months? You have to be kidding me." Morton, who was ousted from the Ballentine board of directors in favor of Triple H last January, added: "Steve MacNamara has a hell of a lawn. Why not give the award to him? It doesn't do any good to keep giving it to the same guy. There's something fishy about the whole thing, if you ask me."
MacNamara, who purchased his Ballentine home in April of 2000, concurred. "There's something going on there that isn't quite on the level." His suspicions were aroused in June when the installation of a fountain on The Game's lawn caused minor unexpected flooding, overwatering the professional wrestling toughman's grass and forcing him to have an emergency shipment of dry dirt flown in from nearby New York.
"He recoverd quickly," said MacNamara, "but for a few hours there, his lawn was a soggy mess. I thought for sure that I'd get it that month." According to both Morton and MacNamara, Triple H promptly called an emergency meeting of the board of directors that evening, to which the two residents were not invited.
"And that," conceded MacNamara, "is probably where I got screwed." The physicist is quick to point out that he hasn't drawn any unfair conclusions. "I"m just going by they evidence presented to me. He bumps Charlie from the board of directors and suddenly it's the goddamn Triple H Memorial Lawn of the Month award. What am I supposed to think?"
Neither Triple H nor Ballentine could be reached for comment, although Martin Prescott, president of Ballentine Communities, denied any knowledge of "Machiavellian political manueverings by this talented and charismatic individual" in a recent statement. "We're simply giving credit where credit is due. Triple H's lawn is the best in the business today, hands down. It is that damn good."
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