 |
|
Home
Wrestling
WWE
TNA
Tape Reviews
Other
Sports
Basketball
Football
Baseball
Hockey
International
Entertainment
Movies / TV
Music
Gaming
Technology
Books / Comics
" The Gravel Pit "
|
|
|
|
Wrestling
>
TNA
Raw from JHawk's Beak (5/12/2003)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on May 12, 2003, 21:38
|
|
Raw from JHawk's Beak (5/12/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
E-Mail of the Week: Matthew Edwards of Sydney, Australia checked in with this one.
Jared,
First off let me tell you that I am a fan of your work. I am a wrestling fan deep down and enjoy reading people's different perspective on all things wrestling, be it positive or negative. Living in Australia, I believe I do not have the wide choice of televised wrestling promotions/archive replays there are available in the USA, which would probably give me more reason to say that I am not sworn off wrestling
I have watched or followed wrestling for probably close to 20 years, and at times I must admit that I just couldn't believe the level of stupidity, other times I was just awestruck with amazement at wrestlers ability to tell a story and get me psychologically involved.
I must say that I have a fileshare program & have seen some of the most amazing matches from Indy fed's like Ring Of Honour & also some classic matches from the 80's and 90's & I would not have the opportunity to see these matches unless I accessed this fileshare program or purchased the video.
Personally what I believe is missing these days is exactly what I have stated above, psychology & story-telling.
Wrestling should be an easy sport to get the crowd or viewers into without being overly dangerous. What happened to the days when the crowd cheered when a punch connected?
Forums Quote of the Week: Actually, the version I've heard is, "Less than a mouthful is a shame; more than a handful is a waste." I guess it's a good thing that I have big hands. -Dr. Tom in the "Breasts" thread
Am I watching the right show?: I caught the Survivor: Amazon finale yesterday, and let's just say that any credibility that show still had has to be shot to hell with Jenna winning it. Basically, she whined, she bitched, she moaned, she let everybody else do the work, she had everybody in the jury say that she was worthless...and she won a million dollars for it. And the women who voted for her went "Oh, she's so pretty," and "I've known her since day one." What the fuck is this, the election for student council president? Why the hell aren't these people voting for people based on things like effort and merit? I mean, the only reason she made the final two was by having that immunity idol at a critical point, and she wins the fucking thing because she's a hot chick.
Wait a second. She goes over better competitors...she didn't do anything to earn her victories...she thinks she deserved it because of who she is...
...
...
JENNA = HHH!
...
...
Oh, like you didn't see that coming.
Plug of the Week: My TSM Mat Madness tournament has reached the final two. Chris Benoit vs. Eddy Guerrero. Vote through Sunday.
Tonight: They actually announced a couple of matches prior to halfway through the show. Goldberg vs. Christian inside a steel cage. Kevin Nash vs. Chris Jericho. BUT...much like they weren't thinking last week when they were in Canada, they're not thinking about location this week either, as they're in the wrestling smark capital of Philadelphia. Goldberg might get cheered (emphasis on the word "might"), but Nash will most likely be booed out of the building. And he main events a pay-per-view this weekend. Fun fun fun.
Segment 1
Live in Philly, and ChrisTIAN is already in the cage claiming this match shouldn't happen. First off, nobody wants to see him brutalized inside of a steel cage. Plus he's got a big photo shoot coming up and needs his pretty face. He doesn't get too much farther than that before Cold Stones Steve Austin makes his way to the cage. Austin thinks the excuses are a bunch of crap, but why is Christian worried? Goldberg isn't even here yet...but he'll wrestle Goldberg later because Stone Cold said so. Christian's concerned, but Austin says he wasn't first. He just flipped him off. So Christian wants to say something to his peeps. He senses that somebody resents him because Rocky named him his favorite wrestler...and it's not his fault Rock beat Austin at WrestleMania. Hold it right there, Christian. Austin's trying very hard not to lose his patience. And there's the "Lose it" chant. Fake laugh, but Austin will contain his composure until he hits the breaking point, and if he does, Christian's out of the IC battle royal. That brings out Rob.........Van.........Dam. Up goes the cage. And it's Philly, so you know that he's over. RVD wants in the battle royal and plans on regaining the gold. But Christian suggests that RVD take his place against Goldberg. The fans want it, says Christian, but they're booing. Austin asks the crowd if they want Christian to get his ass kicked by Goldberg, and that's a highly loud "Hell yeah". RVD: "If you think there's only one man who can win the IC title, give me a Rob Van Dam." Christian: "If you think I should have the night off, give me a Christain Rules!" (BOO!) Austin's pissed that they're stealing his material, and he threatens stunners for everybody. That brings out . This is starting to drag. Kane says they might be partners and friends, but at Judgment Day, Kane's winning the battle royal. (God I hope not.) RVD hears that, but he'll find a way to eliminate Kane if he needs to. Austin interrupts that by saying it's not about them, but he senses some tension. And to relieve that, let's drink! But no! Here comes Easy E to continue the segment that never ends. Where is Shari Lewis when you need her? Bisch wants to lend his experience to bring in control. First off, there's no beer bash tonight. But Bisch said he was going to raise the bar this week, and he wasn't talking about the beer. He's thinking about RVD and Kane, and he wants them to defend their titles tonight against a team they've never faced before. A team that may be one of the best, if not the best, team ever in the history of Raw. Here come The Road Warriors to a good but not great pop. Dark match my ass!
For the World Tag Team Championship: Rob................Van.............Dam and Kane (champions) vs. The Road Warriors
Animal and RVD start. Animal kicks away at RVD. Into the corner, and RVD with a monkey flip. Animal with an arm wringer, tag to Hawk, off the ropes with a punch. RVD with a spinning leg lariat for 2. Hawk with a reverse neckbreaker. RVD misses an enzuigiri but hits a spinning back kick. Tag to Kane, who works over both challengers. Flying clothesline to Animal! Hawk with a dropkick to avoid a Choke Slam, and Animal clotheslines him over the top. In comes RVD. Rolling Thunder to Hawk, and Animal makes the save. Animal with a Choke Slam....Hawk misses the clothesline for the Doomsday Device. In comes Kane to even the odds. Choke slam to Hawk, Five Star by RVD, and there's the pin at 3:11. Um...sure, OK. 1/2*
Backstage, Victoria and Big Stevie Cool interrupt Trish the Cheating Bitch and her makeup session to taunt her before their hardcore match.
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
Remember when The Road Warriors were the greatest tag team ever? Well, you wouldn't have known that watching that match. Maybe, just maybe, the quick loss is a sign that they're only coming in to put other teams over that desperately need it. However, prior to that match, that was one long segment. Mildly entertaining, but overall mostly a waste of time.
Segment 2
Later tonight, Goldberg vs. Christian in a cage. Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Nash in the most predictable Raw main event ever. Good Ol' JR and The Pharaoh relive history's worst ten minute brawl.
Y2J+3 is getting ready, and in comes Hungry Hungry Hippos to suck the heat away from him. This is a famous arena, even though the Philly teams suck. But here was where Nash tore his quad, and he's facing the guy who tore Hunter's quad. That's funny. What's funnier? Jericho skyrocketed after he did that. So imagine what would happen if he tore Nash's quad tonight? He'd be the biggest superstar of all time...and there'd be no title match at Judgment Day.
It's a limo! It's Goldberg! It's another car ramming into the open limo door! It's Goldberg running after him!
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
HHHater Clock: One segment, 1:36. I'm confused. I thought that general WWE practices told us that we're not supposed to remember anything prior to Backlash. (History benefits Hunter's feud.) Oh yeah, the "I'm fucking the boss' daughter" rule. Actually, I like the use of history to actually set up the match, and Hunter's actually playing the old school heel...make sure the dirty work gets done before the match so the match itself is easy. Now where was stuff like this eight months ago before the title reign bombed?
Does anybody care who ran into Goldberg's limo? Neither do I.
Segment 3
Jesus Christ, there goes their goddamn feed again! It wasn't too bad last week (I didn't realy notice until a second viewing), but that's just annoying.
Peanuthead accosts Austin, and I wish I could tell you what's going on, because they can't so much as get three words out before the picture fades completely to black. Apparently the Mack needs to take on two white boys tonight. I think he's trying to get Back Rodney Mack into the battle royal, but Austin's already got a black man in it...Booker T. But again, the picture stays for like half a second at a time, so who the hell knows for sure?
Five Minute White Boy Challenge: Mike and Ken Phoenix (I think) vs. Back Rodney Mack (w/Peanuthead)
Twins. Fresh meat. Fireman's carry. Chop. I think he drops one of the twins onto the top rope but I can't see it. Small package by Mike (I think) for 2. Mack back in control. Cobra clutch to one of them. Fix the goddamn feed already! Another cobra clutch for the tap out in 1:30. I won't rate it because I couldn't see much of it.
We have a cage match tonight.
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
Now that I have a headache because of satellite problems...eh, maybe they'll play off of it and claim the white people running TNN are holding Mack back by having the feed cut out. I still wouldn't care about the angle, but what the hell.
Segment 4
Raw returns to Madison Square Garden on June 23, and Scott Steiner's at the box office at 12:30 on Saturday.
Coach wants to ask Eric who went after Goldberg, but he has no comment. In comes Classy Freddie Blassie to promote his book, and Eric doesn't want to go through with that because it was Chief Morley's idea. In comes Rico, and he wonders why Three Minute Warning are on a losing streak. What can Bisch do? He'll find out in a few...and he turns toward Blassie and asks him to come to the ring. Blassie: "What are you going to do, hang yourself?"
Goldberg and Austin are nose-to-nose. Did Bill see the driver? No, but he'll take it out on Christian tonight. So get ready.
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
Two predictions. One (and everybody should have gotten this), Blassie is getting a three minute warning. Two, and not as obvious...Billy Gunn is the driver. Remember in the Austin-Rikishi angle how it was Billy Gunn who revealed the driver's blonde hair? Why wouldn't Gunn, another blonde, go after Goldberg? Especially when they both use a jackhammer. Maybe that one makes too much sense. Oh yeah, what was the point of any of that segment? (Wouldn't it be Hunter if that's what they were shooting for?) Fuck, I hadn't thought of that... but I'll stick with Billy Gunn should they ever reveal it (with Hunter telling him to, of course).
Segment 5
Lillian Garcia looks smoking tonight, and she introduces Classy Freddie Blassie to the top of the ramp! Bisch comes out and sends Blassie's wife to the back. Bischoff shills Blassie's book (and I want a copy). How old is he? Yeah yeah yeah. Hopefully he's got three minutes to be here. Here comes Rico and Three Minute Warning into the ring through the crowd, and Bisch begins wheeling him toward the ring. Part of me hopes Blassie kicks all their asses. Here comes Austin to make the save. Steve and Eric didn't talk about this, and since they didn't agree to it, they argue. Austin wheels Blassie out of harm's way. Remember when The Dudley Boyz were suspended? They're now reinstated. Here come The Reinstated (again) Damn Dudley Boyz, and the bell rings even though there's no referee. A brawl as an ECW chant breaks out. They pretty much dominate 3MW as the Philly crowd calls for tables. Wuzzup headbutt to Jamal. They want tables, but Austin stops them...for Blassie to tell D-Von to get the tables. You heard the man! Rico gets the 3D through the table. Austin shares a beer with the Dudleys. Hey, 9:51 and still under five minutes of wrestling! And didn't Bischoff say there'd be no beer bash tonight?
Christian is backstage carrying a chair, and the cage is lowering. It's next!
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
The Dudleys are back again, but I don't recall 50/50 partner Bischoff agreeing to that either...why do they bother creating these stipulations when they never actually stick to them...even through a segment where they enforced it? Nothing here we didn't already see about a hundred times since TSM first opened one year ago.
Segment 6
Steel Cage Match: ChrisTIAN vs. Goldberg
Escapes and pinfalls to win this one. Shitty feed for the second segment tonight, but so far the picture doesn't go completely to black. Christian on the stick, and not only does he want the cage match, but he has the chair that Rocky used to beat down Goldberg...the People's Chair. Goldberg busts the lock off of his dressing room door, and here he comes to the ring. Christian stupidly throws the chair before Goldberg enters the cage. The bell rings, and Goldberg simply mauls Christian from the get-go. Christian tries to leave right away, but of course he gets stopped. Goldberg continues the mauling while accusing him of trying to run Goldberg over. Christian goes for the door, and Goldberg stops him, but Christian brings the chair back in. Low blow by Christian, and Christian with the chair...WHAMMO! WHAMMO! WHAMMO WHAMMO! Wait for it...WHAMMO! Choke with the chair, and now some stomps. And more chair shots. Cover for only 1. So Christian with more chair shots. Dropping the chair, there are more stomps. Chair again, choke against the ropes. Celebration, but Goldberg is up. Christian climbing over, but Goldberg's caught him and pulls him down hard to the mat. So Christian goes back to the chair shot. See a pattern forming here? Christian goes for a spear, but Goldberg moves and Christian hits nothing but cage. Forearm smashes. Christian bleeding, apparently from hitting the cage. Speaking of hitting the cage, there you go. On the shoulder...into the cage and into a powerslam. Spear, jackhammer, pin in 6:47. I'd say "Worst cage match ever", but I remember SummerSlam 2001. DUD
Jericho is warming up backstage. Can he tear Nash's quad tonight?
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
Anybody who says "That result surprises me" is either lying, stupid, or just has a lot of faith in different guys eventually getting over. But this was a boring piece of seven minutes. Goldberg dominates unless he's eating a folding chair. The one lone cover Christian gets is only good for a one count. Why spend so much time letting Christian get himself over on the stick when he can't even get a couple of decent moves on his opponent? Some might say a half-assed push is better than no push at all, but usually a half-assed push gets someone at least a few wins.
Segment 7
Live from the First Union Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. These shows just aren't the same when they're not at the Spectrum.
Austin bumps into The Man WHOO! backstage. He congratulates Austin on being co-GM, "but you know Triple H runs Raw." In comes The Hurricane. Hunter is the game, but Nash will turn Hunter from Triple H to "Triple BIAAAAAAAAATCH!" Flair starts yelling at Hurricane, but Austin cuts them off. Austin signs Flair vs. Hurricane right now.
The Man WHOO! vs. The Hurricane
They brawl through the gorilla postion. Out to the broadcast table, and Flair punches Hurricane into Lawler. Flair to the ring, and Hurricane follows after them. Backdrop by Flair, but Hurricane tries to counter into a sunset flip...and it's Moon over Philly! I'M BLIND! Hurricane backdrops Flair. Flying bodypress for 2. Hurrichokeslam...but Flair to the eyes. Up top, but Flair'a a heel so he gets slammed off. Low blow by Flair, and he struts, but he walks right into a Hurrichokeslam. Flair does his own strut, shining enzuigiri, and Flair falls face-first. Hurricane covers for 2. But Flair goes to the knee...well, the ankle. Flair begins to work over the legs. Into the Figure-Four Leglock! Hurricane tries to hang on. Down go the shoulders for a 2 count...and referee Jack Doan calls for the bell. A submission at 4:46. I really want to give this somewhere around **3/4. Realistically, it gets *, and even that might be generous with the wrong guy going over and the first two minutes taking place outside the ring. And here comes Triple H. Hunter actually gets Flair to release the hold. And there's a celebration. JR calls Flair the best World Champion ever. Lawler: "What about Triple H?" JR: "When he gets 16 of them, we'll talk about it." And Hunter absolutely has to go over, so he Pedigrees Hurricane. Fuck you, Hunter, this wasn't a place for you to put yourself over!
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
HHHater Clock: Two segments, 3:25. I can hear it now. People are going to claim that Hurricane is being "HHHeld down". Well, maybe they're right. Quite frankly, I don't get why Hurricane had to lose this one. I really don't get why he had to lose clean. I really really don't get why he lost by submission. And I don't have a fucking clue why Hunter needs to be out there at that point. Hunter already got the win over Hurricane, so it's not like he actually accomplished anything by doing the fucking Pedigree. What, does he a have a "minimum number of Pedigrees per show" clause in his contract or something? Hurricane needed to go over here. God, I never thought I'd see the day I was pissed that Ric Flair won a match.
Segment 8
Six Man Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Big Poppa Steroid Pump, Test (w/My Future Wife) and South Park's Jimmy vs. Christopher Nowinski and La Resistance
Scott Steiner and Test meet La Resistance at Judgment Day. Goldust and Test will also be in the battle royal. Christ, they double booked Test of all people? Sign in crowd: "Real Men Don't Wear Berets". Sylvan Grenier asks if we ever found those weapons of mass destruction and then plays the "Where are you going next" card. Rene Dupree claims Nowinski is the only American who isn't barbaric. And this one starts on the floor. Test and Dupree end up in the ring. Corner whip and a clothesline by Test. Tag to Goldust. Dupree gets an eye rake and tags Nowinski. Nowinski eats an uppercut, an inverted atomic drop, and a clothesline for 2. Lawler: "I'll always be indebted to them (the French) for the French Kiss." Steiner and Grenier in, and Steiner does a number on him. Posing elbow and pushups. Snap mare, tag to Test, and Test keeps the onslaught until Grenier gets in a clothesline. Tag to Dupree, and he rams Test's shoulder into the ringpost. Elbow to the shoulder. Tag to Grenier. Tag to Nowinski, who locks in an armbar. Nowinski mocks the posing elbow, but misses it. Steiner tagged in, and he goes to work...Exploder suplex! Belly-to-belly to Dupree ("It oughta be outlawed" says JR)! All six are in, and Steiner takes Nowinski down with an inverted DDT for the pin at 4:27. Psychology? What's that? 1/2* Steiner and Stacy celebrate, but Test doesn't look happy.
Stevie tells Victoria "Go get her!"
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
Well, that match certainly exceeded expectations, didn't it? And way to build to that pay-per-view by having the heel that isn't on it take the fall. At least they made some sort of explanation as to why Nowinski would team with the evil Frenchmen, but that doesn't change the fact that this match was garbage.
That Stridex commercial with the movie theater...with my luck, the hot chick would move to her right instead.
Segment 9
Every three segments, the feed sucks, so let's go through the PPV lineup. An 8-man (so far) Intercontinental Title battle royal. Test/Steiner vs. La Resistance. Trish vs. Jacqueline vs. Victoria vs. Jazz for the Women's Title (where the fuck is Molly?). And Nash vs. Hunter for the World Title! Tazzzzzzzzzzzz and Michael Coleslaw are in the studios to hype SmackDown and their half of Judgment Day. Sable vs. Torrie in a bikini contest. Ladder Match: Team Angle defend against Los Guerreros. Stretcher Match for the WWE Title: Brock Lesnar vs. The Big Show. Wasn't Andre vs. Killer Kahn in 1981? That's 22 years! Was there a stretcher match in 1986 that nobody saw?
Someone Feed Terri is with the Highlight of the Night, and she wants to know who tried to run down Goldberg. Jericho claims it wasn't him because he'd do it face-to-face! But tonight, he's got Nash, who will only win the title of "I just got my ass beat by Chris Jericho."
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
Uh, guys...we had one Elizabeth bit on Confidential, and this new one doesn't even pretend that it will tell us anything new. Drop it.
Anyway, look at that lineup for Judgment Day. Who in their right mind would willing drop $35 American for that? That ladder match is going to have to hit ***** to save that show. And how dare you throw Jacqueline into a title match without putting Molly Holly in there too? (You know, last year it was Trish Stratus vs. Stacy Keibler for the Women's Title.) Point well taken.
Segment 10
Hardcore Match: Trish the Cheating Bitch vs. Victoria (w/Steven Richards)
Hardcore wrestling was born in Philly with ECW, but the ECW people can't be bothered to be on the second half of the card in actual matches. Oh wait! Tommy F'N Dreamer comes out with kendo stick in hand! And he's got Trish's back. Basically a brawl to start. Trish gets a headscissors on Victoria. Trish counters an Electric chair into a sunset flip for 2. Victoria grabs a platter...and Trish "kicks" it into her face but misses it by at least six inches. Victoria knows how to make the platter shots look good though, so she'll do it. Fireman's carry into a side slam for 2. Sweet move! Trash can lid, but Trish does a Matrix to avoid it and kicks it into Victoria's face for 2. Now THAT looked good. Victoria grabs a leather strap and whips Trish. Ooo baby! Work it! Work-- sorry! Into a form of a surfboard, but Victoria nearly pins herself and has to let it go. Snap mare with the strap, and she hangs Trish in the corner. Trish breaks free with a kick and goes for the Stratusphere, and they go through some counters before she finally gets it. Stevie tries to get involved but gets leveled by Dreamer. In the ring, Trish avoids a kendo stick shot, connects with two herself, then gets the Stratusfaction for the pin at 4:46. Actually not too bad. **
Big Lazy Cool wrestles NEXT!
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
----------
It took nearly two full hours to have an entertaining match, although it wasn't exactly a wrestling clinic. Some nice moves, particularly by Victoria, and hopefully they can turn in something watchable for Judgment Day. Dreamer and Richards really should have had an actual match though, as they had a couple of nice matches in the dying days of the Hardcore Title, and the ECW faithful would have liked a nostalgia kick involving guys still capable of putting on watchable matches.
Segment 11
Goldberg's doing an on-sale Saturday. Check wwe.com if you really care where.
Main Event scheduled for one fall: Y2J+3 vs. Big Lazy Cool
Nash simply throws Jericho to the mat to start. A lot of running by Jericho leads to a Nash forearm. Knee to the midsection. BAAAAAAAAAAACK bodydrop! Jericho stops a whip and spits at Nash, and he gets offense! He wants the leg, but Nash forearms him down. Rinse lather repeat. Kneelift, and outside goes Jericho. Jericho drapes Nash's throat over the top rope to get back in, but Nash almost immediately gets in a choke lift. Jericho tackles the knees, and now maybe he can have a real offensive flurry. Jericho gets about three shots to the leg, but when he goes for a figure-four, Nash kicks him into the corner. Jericho recovers and goes after the leg. Into the ringpost. Nash gets Jericho coming in with a side slam, but the knee buckles as he brings him down, and he can't follow up. Um, yeah, that's how I'll pass that off. Jericho into a sleeper, but Nash rams him into the corner. Stick with the legs Chris! Faceslam by Jericho, and the Lionsault for 2. I've never heard a crowd this dead for a Jericho match. Jericho argues with Earl Hebner, then runs into a big boot. Jackknife...But here come Hunter and Flair! Hunter attacks the knee, no bell. Out goes Earl. In comes the Holy Bible Kid. Shawn to the floor, and Nash works over three guys. Snake eyes to Hunter, and over the top with a clothesline. Nash with a boot to Jericho. Knee, Jack Knife, and Shawn will make the count himself. Kliq pose, Hunter in with the belt, but Nash sees it coming and takes Hunter down. Hunter tries to leave, but he's going to get a Jack Knife for his trouble. Shawn will count that one too. No closing bell, call it a double disqualification at 9:23 to be nice to Jericho. 1/2*
----------
END OF SHOW
----------
Can you say you're totally shocked? No? Didn't think so. Nash can't do it anymore. Not that he was ever good, per se, but at one point he was carryable. But not even Chris Jericho could save his ass tonight. The match sucked and sucked hard. And that's one-half of your Raw main event this Sunday, everybody. Why yes, they thought this show looked good paper. Why do you ask?
HHHater Clock: Three segments, 6:41. Seemed a lot longer time-wise, didn't it? Hell, he got two more segments than last week, and he still wasn't on screen as long as that brawl last week went.
Overall, how the hell does this bring in PPV buys? OK, some good nods to history to give the impression they give a shit about the past, and I appreciate all the shitty matches that give the impression that this was a wrestling show, but for the life of me I can't figure out what was supposed to be entertaining about this show.
Send me your feedback, and be sure to check the main page for some great articles by the rest of the TSM crew.
| |
|
|
|
|
|
