 |
|
Home
Wrestling
WWE
TNA
Tape Reviews
Other
Sports
Basketball
Football
Baseball
Hockey
International
Entertainment
Movies / TV
Music
Gaming
Technology
Books / Comics
" The Gravel Pit "
|
|
|
|
Wrestling
>
TNA
SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (10/23/2003)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Oct 23, 2003, 21:46
|
|
SmackDown from JHawk's beak (10/23/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
E-Mail of the Week: Adam Matlock summed things up best:
First off, you rule. You're easily one of the best recappers on the 'net.
Second off, I think we are getting evidence that the WWE is trying to destroy itself. That's the only explanation. There is no way in hell anyone could be trying and still screw up the buildup to No Mercy as well as they are. If they want to make Vince/Steph a big deal, fine. But I can't believe they could be so dumb as to ignore feuds like Tajiri/Rey and Gowen/Hardy completely on the pre-PPV show.
It's been said plenty of times before, but the WWE is seriously fucked.
First off, flattery gets you nowhere, but I enjoy it anyway. Secondly, Adam is right. Ignoring what wound up being one of the night's best matches to hype a match that nobody actually cared about? And they wonder why they can't sell out unless they're overseas.
Forums Quote of the Week: In honor of the World Series, let's let The Man in Blak explain exactly why so few people outside of New York (and those who always ride the bandwagon) give a shit about the Yankees.
Right. Because it's not like the Yankees haven't been seen in the World Series year after year after year after year.
But it's not because the Yankees are some kind of mystical baseball think-tank. It's not because the Yankees are a dynasty. It's because baseball is broken and, due to old men who harp about nothing but tradition, the Yankees can abuse the system to all its fullest.
Nobody's ever going to consistently compete with them. Nobody's going to be able to match revenue with a team centered in the capital of the free world. Hell, no one else was smart enough to keep the Yankees from creating their own proprietary medium (the YES network) to create an even larger divide in terms of capital.
Thanks to the collective stupidity of the owners and baseball management, the Yankees have been allowed to eliminate competition by continually hand-picking the best players on the market while keeping their own stars.
And you know what you are when you've abused the system to the point where there's virtually no hope for consistent competition?
You're not a dynasty. You're a monopoly.
There's nothing special about what the Yankee's have accomplished, due to what they've been given. <bevery team is a small-market team, compared to the Yankee machine. Having $180 million around makes it fairly easy to keep a nucleus of the finest players in the league. And home-grown talent? The Yankees are allowed to spend more money for scouting and recruiting personnel, more money to throw at worthy prospects that come up through their system and, when they make mistakes, enough of a compilation of talent to allow them to abandon mediocre talent freely and without worry.
Imagine if Derek Jeter had came up with the Kansas City Royals.
The New York Yankees have the money to keep the players that their highly-paid scouts and analysts rate as top performers while going after top free agents that other teams could never realistically afford to pay, acquiring them at a cheaper rate just because they offer the best chance to win a ring.
For all of the Yankees fans who have a hard time understanding why your team is universally despised, that's the reason right there. Too many fans have seen their local heroes like Paul O'Neill, Robin Ventura, David Wells, Roger Clemens, and Mike Mussina leave for the pinstripes, only to turn around and beat the brains out of their old team on their way to another World Series. When those other teams won, people celebrated not only because they may have been their local team, but because they grasp onto momentary hope that perhaps "the evil empire" has made a mistake and baseball will be a great sport with true competition once again.
It's not your fault for being fans of a successful team, nor is it the Yankees' fault for preying upon the collective ineptitude of the entire league. It isn't even the fault of the players, who are merely looking out for their own interests like anybody else would in the marketplace.
The fault lies upon baseball, and its group of ignorant owners who have much more pressing matters to attend to than regulating the quality of the game. When baseball went on strike, the league had the opportunity to adapt to the changes that had been occuring through the marketplace in all sports (or even all businesses in general). They had a chance to mend their wounds but, instead, they merely caved into the whims of the players and old men who don't want to accept the notion that their national pasttime needs to evolve with the times.
And now, as New York takes a 2-1 series lead against a team that has one-third of its payroll, baseball management secretly frets about television revenues and desperately grabs onto any minimal sign of recovery (oooooh, ratings are up 16% from last year, which happened to be the worst rated World Series of all time) while having absolutely no idea that they are the ones who are responsible for their own downfall.
Because, even if the Florida Marlins win this World Series, the business-savvy Yankees will be back next year. And the year after that. And the year after that.
Take it to the bank.
Tonight: It's the first SmackDown after No Mercy (and you can find out what The Dames thought about it here), and according to the Time Warner Digital Cable preview, we have The Undertaker hunting down Mr. McMahon. Hopefully those damn wrestling matches don't interfere with what's bound to be at least five segments of incredible television. And if you can't tell what sarcasm is when you read it, I can't help you.
Segment 1
Open with the opening of No Mercy with stills from the match from hell spliced in.
Michael Coleslaw and Tazz bring you the action as it was taped on October 21, 2003, but we don't even get that far before Mr. McAsshole and No Longer Able Sable make their way to ringside. We're at the Pepsi Arena in Albany, New York, for the record. McMahon cuts Tazz off to start his bragging session, further proving that even the announcers are fair game to get buried by the McMahon family. Vince knows he's going to hell when he dies, but he's still alive, so it's a celebration tonight! Just like after Sunday, when he fucked Sable all night long. It takes him like 45 seconds to actually say what I said in seven words. So Steph is fired, Brock remains the WWE Champion, and nobody will remember that once Vince is done talking. About that title match, you know how the lights when out? And how the FBI came out? And how Mr. McMahon did more damage than four active wrestlers combined? Taker learned not to cross the boss. "But you do have sex with the man who signs your checks." Fuck that, I don't make enough money. Sable apparently does. Vince doesn't give Sable the GM job. This person tried to put him out of business. And it's...Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman. FUCK YEAH! I hate the hat Paul, but FUCK YEAH! Heyman says things are going to change...and he immediately gets cut off by The Undertaker. OK, that didn't happen in 15 months to Steph but happened in less than 15 seconds to Heyman. Think about that one. Heyman tells Taker that he's the only hope Taker's got, because Vince will never give it to him. Taker wants revenge, and Heyman's going to give it. Because tonight's main event will feature The Undertaker against Brock Lesnar. And The Big Show. Ooo, he swerved us or something. But if Taker wins tonight, he can choose whatever match he wants. Time, place, location, and stipulation. Hey, remember when Heyman managed Taker in the old NWA/WCW? Taker compares Heyman to shit, then says the plan will blow up in his face, because Taker will win and get his revenge. And nobody knows how maniacal he can be. "You've got no idea."
Los Guerreros against Haas and Benjamin for the titles tonight.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I can say this without ever looking at the spoilers: Taker wins and chooses some stipulation match against Vince McMahon at Survivor Series. But I like the addition of Heyman in this role, and I'll give you three reasons why. First off, Heyman can work the mic with the best of them. Second, he'll be willing to put the wrestlers over. And three, it's a total shock to those of us who don't read the sheets. My first thought was Bischoff, but he was on the other show. My second instinct was actually Vince Russo, but I knew that wasn't right since everyone would have bitched about that by now. Heyman's name didn't pop into my head until about a second before he was introduced, which is how a surprise is supposed to work.
Segment 2
Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: John Cena and Ape Train vs. My Olympic Hero and Chris BeNOIT
Cena's freestyle begins by teasing a handshake for Kurt Angle, but he changes his tune quickly and says he'll kick Angle's ass, and that he only tapped out because Angle had a handful of...yeah. Kurt and Benoit were the first SmackDown Tag Team Champions a year ago. Not that the creative team remembered that. A-Train and Angle start. Angle takes control with wrestling early. A-Train knocks Angle down with a shoulderblock and tries to turn the match into a brawl. Tag to Cena, and he and Angle begin punching. Modified Michinoku Driver by Cena for 2. Tag to A-Train, who takes Angle down with a double underhook suplex for 2. Backbreaker. Angle avoids a Vader bomb and gets a belly-to-back suplex in. Tag to Cena, tag to Benoit, and Benoit is cleaning house on both men. Backdrop to Cena. Cena avoids the German suplex, but not the sharpshooter. A-Train makes the save. Benoit tags in Angle, who takes A-Train down with the Angle Slam. But Cena goes for the FU, which is countered into the Ankle Lock. A-Train makes the save. A-Train and Benoit begin to brawl on the floor. Cena goes for the chain, Brian Hebner tries to stop it, and A-Train comes in with a chair. Benoit grabs it and swings, but misses and hits Angle. Angle grabs it and goes after Benoit, and they begin to trade blows. Benoit locks in the Crippler Crossface, and the bell rings (no decision at 4:29). *1/2 Officials come in to break it up. Angle breaks through to attack Benoit and gets the Ankle Lock, but Benoit scurries to the floor.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
While I certainly don't want to complain about another series of awesome Kurt Angle-Chris Benoit matches, what exactly is this feud going to prove? First off, who's going to be the heel? It should be Angle since he went after Benoit intentionally, but in the world of WWE, that could be the babyface reaction. And why turn either of them? If they're turning Angle heel based on the reactions at No Mercy, why not just turn Cena face instead? When Jimmy Snuka was getting cheered in the Bob Backlund feud, they didn't treat it to mean Backlund was a poor babyface. And if they're turning Benoit, why? When a face Benoit vs. a heel Lesnar could draw huge money with even mediocre buildup based on their in-ring ability? WWE logic: Defying the odds for over 40 years.
Segment 3
Tazz and Cole discuss the use of Tajiri's black mist into Nidia's eyes. Earlier this week, Jamie Noble recorded these comments on his webcam. He got it for Nidia with the inheritance money, thus preventing me from asking why Noble would need a webcam, but the money means nothing without Nidia. Her sight hasn't gotten any better, so they're contemplating surgery. Thanks for the cards and letters to the snail mail address that nobody saw, and he vows to come after Tajiri.
The World's Greatest Tag Team are readying for their shot tonight and discussing Heyman's return, and in comes the new GM to call them the world's greatest liars. They never called him when he was in the hospital, so Heyman takes them out of the title match in favor of The Brothers Basham (w/Shaniqua's implants). But Haas and Benjamin do have a match...next!
Vince McMahon is in a skybox with Sable, and Sable says hello to the little people.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Great. Announce exactly one match and then change it on us. This show really is becoming more like Raw. I don't necessarily have a problem with the Bashams getting a title shot, but since we were essentially promised the WGTT vs. the Guerreros last week and didn't get it in favor of almost 45 minutes of McMahon family goodness, blatantly promising it and then switching it becomes a slap to the face of everybody who pays attention.
Segment 4
Michael Cole narrates the Stu Hart tribute video.
Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: The World's Greatest Tag Team vs. Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi
Anybody but fucking Rikishi! Dammit! (Even Nathan Jones?) Point taken. Haas and Scotty start things off. Haas begins to work on the left arm. Scotty into a headlock. Off the ropes, shoulderblock. Hiptoss. Another hiptoss, and Benjamin comes in and gets one of his own. Benjamin trips Scotty from the outside, and that enables Haas to get a knee to the back and the heels to gain control. Tag to Benjamin. Into the turnbuckle goes Scotty. Bodyslam for 2. Into a chinlock. Scotty elbows out but runs into a knee to the gut. Tag to Haas, into their springboard bodyblock double team, and Haas begins to stretch out Scotty's back. Tag to Benjamin, who chokes Scotty. Corner whip, but he runs into an elbow, and Scotty takes him down with a reverse neckbreaker. Hot tag to Rikishi, who does work over both men as is the norm after the hot tag. Benjamin avoids the ass avalanche and gets a superkick for 2. Bulldog by Scotty, but Haas prevents the Worm. Rikishi choke slams Haas. Avalanche to Benjamin, Scotty bulldogs him, and it's the return of the Worm. Which connects, of course, because it has to on the first appearance. Avalanche by Rikishi to Haas, who falls in the corner, and there's the Stink Face. Benjamin goes for the sunset flip, but Rikishi sits on him and pins him at 6:00. This is wrong on so many levels, and sadly workrate isn't the main one. ** There's the top hat, and it's time to dance. I haven't missed that either. Vince and Sable dance too...
...and The Undertaker storms into the skybox with a microphone and grabs Vince by the collar. He's a big man for beating up two women? Well, Taker doesn't think he's such a big man. He's a "pathetic, gutless coward". If he was such a big man, he wouldn't have to pay Sable to sleep with him. Taker threatens to finish the job if he loses tonight.
The tag team title match is next.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
It's nice to see Scott Taylor back after a far too lengthy absence, even if it means the return of the one move that's even more pathetic than the People's Elbow. But we get three guys making huge comebacks in the same match, and the most talented wrestler (added emphasis on "wrestler") is the one who has to do the immediate job. Forgive me if I don't jump for joy at the thought that Rikishi could get a tag team title push before Haas and Benjamin do.
We're not foreshadowing the end of the show too much, are we?
Segment 5
Thank you for watching the PPV on Sunday.
Chavito Guerrero tells Eddy Guerrero that he only lost because of The Big Show's attack on SmackDown last week. Eddy doesn't care because the result is what matters, but Chavo says to suck it up and win this one for the family. Eddy seems fired up.
One fall for the WWE Tag Team Championship: The Brothers Basham (w/Shaniqua's implants) vs. Los Guerreros (champions)
Eddy and Doug start. And Eddy is pounding away at Doug already. Chavo in for a quick double team. Series of European uppercuts. Eddy cheats from the apron. Tag to Eddy, who gets the hilo after Chavo's back suplex sets it up. European uppercut by Eddy. Too much brawling... Back suplex. Tag to Chavo, and Doug finally is able to tag in Danny. Forearms by Danny, but Chavo comes back with a flying elbow. Tag to Eddy and more double teaming. Shaniqua hooks an ankle from outside, and that enables Danny to get a knee to the back and Shaniqua to get a cheap shot. In the ring, and Danny gets a quick two count. Now it's Doug Basham cheating from the ring apron. And now they work on the back, as Doug tags in and gets a snap suplex for 2. Legdrop for 2. Chinlock. Tag to Danny, and a double bodyslam for 2. More double teaming, and Doug covers after an elbow off the second turnbuckle and gets 2, despite no tag being made. Eddy tries to come back and prevents Danny's interference, then does his combination headlock/armdrag takedown. Chavo is tagged in and cleaning house, and a swinging DDT on Doug nets Chavo a two count. The Bashams get a double flapjack to Chavo. Eddy pulls Danny to the floor to prevent the Ball and Gag, and Chavo gets Doug with a belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Eddy is in and gains a 2 count. Rolling vertical suplexes, and Eddy's feeling froggy. Shaniqua tries to interfere and eats a boot, but Danny switches with Doug. Eddy up top and rolling through the miss, and Danny wallops Eddy with what looks like a nightstick for the pin (and the titles) at 7:56. **1/4
Josh Mathews asks the new champions for a comment, and Shaniqua wants to celebrate.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Is there such a thing as a wrestler or team earning their title runs before they start getting them? Hey, I like the Basham Brothers well enough, but let's be honest here. Their win over the APA at No Mercy gave them a one match winning streak, and all of a sudden they earn their title shot? Let's think kayfabe for just a second here. They were essentially given this title shot for one match...a match not listed as a top contenders match...and now are the champions despite Shaniqua being the lone source of heat they have (and a weak one at that). Apparently in WWE-land, we follow a simple equation: "no heat > heat". I appreciate allowing an upset to happen, but this isn't the one to go with. And before you respond with "The WGTT wouldn't get the shot by that logic either", you're right. I'm just making a point.
Segment 6
Here's the replay of the finish. During the break, Chavo was pissed because Eddy cost him his belt.
Non-title contest scheduled for one fall: Tajiri Yoshihiro (Cruiserweight Champion) vs. Zach Gowen
And from a title shot that shouldn't happen to an example of how to book someone against a champion but not give a title shot too soon. Wrestling sequence to start, and Gowen gets an Oklahoma roll for 2...but he eats a hard kick from Tajiri. Zach with a dropkick into an armdrag, and into another wrestling sequence. Tajiri counters a tornado DDT with a hard slam, and Tajiri is in complete control as the "USA" chants begin weakly. Snap suplex. Tajiri misses a kneedrop, and Gowen dropkicks his knee. You'd think a man with one leg would forget about working the legs. Huh. Gowen with a roll up for 2. Sunset flip for 2, but he can't hook it right without the second leg to hook the shoulder. Not making fun, just saying. Leg lariat for 2. Gowen wants the moonsault, but Tajiri follows him up top. Gowen stops it with an elbow, but he misses the moonsault, and Tajiri hits the superkick for the pin at 3:31. And Matt Hardy drops even further down the card. *1/2 Postmatch, Tajiri calls in the two guys who ran in at No Mercy (Jimmy Yang and Ryan "Keiji" Sakota, for those of you who don't know), and they take Gowen down with a double uranage.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
An OK matchup, and a nice way to introduce some new talent without simply throwing them out to the wolves and saying "You'd better be over in two shows or you're stuck in Velocity hell". They might get three, maybe four shows to get themselves over instead of the usual two. And unlike the Bashams, Gowen's one match winning streak doesn't earn him a title shot, thus giving me the tiniest bit of tiny hopes in something resembling kayfabe meaning something.
Segment 7
King Brock I and The Too Damn Big Show discuss their match with Taker tonight, and Brock wants Show to be at the top of his game, because he doesn't want another title defense against Taker. Show wants Brock at the top of his game or he'll have a bigger problem than The Undertaker. Ooo, catty.
The main event is next?
Hardcore Holly cuts a promo concerning the 9/12/2002 SmackDown, where Brock broke his neck. He vows to end Brock's career.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So let me get this straight...Angle, Benoit, and Guerrero are apparently otherwise engaged at Survivor Series...so that Bob fucking Holly can get his shot at the main event? Well, at least they're attempting to do something to shuffle the main event scene a bit. But this would apparently give Holly a title shot at some point, and once again, how would he have earned it? So much for my tiny hope of something resembling kayfabe meaning something to the title picture. But at least the angle makes sense based on past histories and isn't thrown together for someone to try to force it into making sense. That's one of the biggest run-on sentences ever, but screw it, I'm in a bad mood.
Segment 8
Limp Bizkit's "Build a Bridge" is the theme song for the Survivor Series.
A tribute video for Michael Hegstrand, aka Road Warrior Hawk.
Handicap Match scheduled for one fall: King Brock I (WWE Champion) and The Too Damn Big Show (United States Champion) vs. The Undertaker
Cole says Taker's going to ask for a title shot if he wins, thus making it official that he won't ask for a title shot. Show starts for the heels. Feeling out process to start. Series of shoulderblocks in the corner for Show, and a headbutt. Double team in the corner, but Taker begins to fight each man. Taker rolls to the floor for a Tastykake break and reaches for a chair. That forces Show and Brock to take their own Tastykake break. Brock tags in and begins to kick and shoulderblock Taker. Turnbuckle smash, and more shoulderblocks. Knees to the midsection. Punches. Elbows. Belly-to-belly suplex (NOT overhead). More knees. Taker comes back with punches. Brock with more knees. Vertical suplex, bringing the total wrestling move count thus far to 2. It's good for a 2 count. Front facelock, and Show tags in. Show with headbutts. Corner whip, and Show runs into a boot. Taker with a clothesline. And another. And one of the flying variety. Brock makes the save at 2. Taker knocks Brock down with a flying clothesline, and Show quickly gets the Choke Slam. Brock tags in and covers for 2. Brock tells Show to climb to the top rope...um...what? It's apparently a spike piledriver, but Taker blocks it and attacks Lesnar...then choke slams Show off the top rope for the pin at 5:20. But WAIT! This match is two out of three falls, sayeth GM Heyman.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
This is going to go way too fucking long. And it hasn't been that good to begin with. And this is why people hate the evil GM angle.
Segment 9
SECOND FALL: We're back with Taker punching away at Brock. Heyman is now sitting in a comfy chair at the top of the aisle. Snake eyes and a big boot by Taker, followed by a legdrop for 2. Out to the floor they go, and the mind-numbing brawl continues. Show comes in after "playing possum" and begins headbutting Show. Show and Taker back into the ring, and a headbutt and clothesline send Taker over the top rope. Show misses a clothesline, and Taker's punch sends Show over the guardrail. Count them out already, ref! Taker rolls in and gets the countout win at 7:40 total...but WAIT! "Oops, I did it again. No countouts in this match!" FUCK THIS GARBAGE! Show with an immediate chair shot, and the bell rings at 7:44 total, but...wait for it...there are no disqualifications either. KISS MY FUCKING ASS, WWE! If Taker gets a pin and this becomes 3 out of 5, you guys are on your own with the end of it, because I won't finish this at that point. Brock goes for an F5, but Taker hits Brock and Show with the biker chain and covers Brock for the pin at 8:30. And Heyman can't figure out any other way of adding to our torture, so he storms to the back. Thank God it's over! * if I get really really really generous, and that's only because Brock actually threw a few suplexes into the monotony.
Postmatch, The Big Show attacks The Undertaker on the floor and rolls him back into the ring. This leads to the double team that the heels should have been doing for two segments at this point. Choke Slam and a legdrop by Show. Brock goes to the floor, Show tosses Taker to him, and it's the F5 into the ringpost to "injure" Taker's knee. And Vince grabs his mic and says he's going to come to the ring and personally congratulate him.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So The Undertaker just beat the WWE Champion and the US Champion four times in less than ten minutes. Way to keep the top two guys in the promotion (kayfabe-wise) strong. And don't give me this "they got their heat back" bullshit that I'm sure the creative team will use, because it's...well, bullshit. They just sacrificed their two top singles champions to build up a match for a PPV that...well, I won't say nobody cares about it, but it doesn't actually help anybody get propelled into the main event at this point. For all those people saying certain people aren't credible main eventers, neither are the main eventers after that bogus display.
Segment 10
And it's taken Vince over three minutes to walk out the door. He taunts Taker on his way to the ring as we get replays of the finish and the postmatch beating. Vince continues the taunting before doing his "congratulating". Vince asks if the beating was worth it just to get a title shot. Vince answers it for him: no, because he'll never be WWE Champion as long as Vince is alive. So Vince asks what match Taker wants against Brock... Taker does some smashing acting to set up a match for Survivor Series: a Buried Alive Match. But since Vince hasn't realized it...wait for it...Taker doesn't want Brock...wait for it...he wants Vince McMahon.
END OF SHOW
No surprise, and I still don't care. Hopefully that gets Vince McMahon off TV for a while. That's about the only glimmer of hope I can think of as to how that match could possibly be a good thing.
Overall, this "new direction" for SmackDown is starting to piss me off. It started off promising with the appointment of Heyman as general manager, but it snowballed from there. The Bashams getting the tag titles? They're not ready yet. Rikishi pinning Shelton Benjamin? Rather silly, but I can tolerate that since Rikishi does seem to be over for some unknown reason. Spending three segments to build to another PPV match that will showcase the McMahons and keep the talent off the show? That went from being the one problem with this show to being among the many problems with this show in the course of a month. What happened to my good little wrestling show?
Feedback me, read the archives, and avoid this show at all costs.
| |
|
|
|
|
|
