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Wrestling > TNA

Raw from JHawk's Beak
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Aug 12, 2002, 22:40

Raw from JHawk's Beak (8/12/2002)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

Some people have no sense of humor: Hey guys...um...I hate to be the one to break it to you, but my Defending the New York Yankees piece was what we in the writing business refer to as a "joke". Hell, if baseball can't figure out how to set it up so that the World Series isn't Yankees vs. something every year, then I might as well be bored out of my skull every October. That being said, if anybody has a list of which of the current New York Yankees actually came up through their farm system, feel free to send it to me at the feedback address at the bottom of this recap. I'm aware of Spencer and Jeter, but I'm stretching to find anybody else. And I'm referring to guys who were actually developed in the farm system (even if they were traded into it before making the majors), but don't tell me things like "Clemens spent a week in Columbus rehabbing last year" or shit like that.

Tonight: If Tony Schiavone were our play-by-by guy, it would be the biggest tag team match in the history of our sport, and a quad won't even be torn! Bubba Ray Dudley and Ric Flair vs. The Big Show and Chris Jericho! PLUS! Last week we signed Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels for SummerSlam, and by God, you'll want to see it if we have to brainwash you into spending $34.95 you don't have! All this and more tonight!

And yes, we bring back the Triple H running clock this week, even though nobody paid attention to it last week!

Segment 1

Moments ago, King Brock I (w/ Hulkamania T-shirt) and Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman made their way into Seattle's Key Arena, and they're holding ticket stubs!

And we are LIVE on the new TNN, as opposed to the old TNN that you may still watch on your local cable system. And Earache Bitchoff tells security that if they make one screw-up, he wants Brock and Paul out of the building!

And we waste no time starting the clock, as Hungry Hungry Hippos makes his way to the ring. Without his water bottle! It must be a special occasion! But he does have the microphone. Apparently, people are disappointed in Triple H. Me too, but not for throwing Shawn through a car window. See, Hunter used Shawn to get to the top. This is a business, and Hunter's the better businessman (instead of using Shawn, he's using Stephanie). Hunter is better now than Shawn was in his prime. Funny, I remember Shawn not signing. Hunter apparently threw Shawn through the window because he was sick of "Triple H" chants. They made him so soft that he lost to Hogan. Dear God, we're stretching for plausible reasons. Fans apparently used him too, and each time he gave us more of himself, he got weaker. So that's how he tore his quad. Threaten to end his career, Hunter. There you go. And once again, he plays the "what will you tell your son" card, and here comes Rocky Wants to be in Pictures to pick the segment up by default. Finally The Rock has come back to Seattle, in case you already forgot where they were emanating from tonight. And Rock is going to insult Brock Lesnar, and he threatens an ass-kicking for tonight. Hunter immediately cuts Rocky off before this can go any further and is all "Who the hell do you think you are?" Already more entertaining than you, Hunter. Rock is electrifying and undisputed champion, so "Shut up bitch!" This has become Rocky vs. Hunter in a mic skills match. Hunter threatens to kick Rocky's ass if he gets in the ring, and Rocky sees that as a challenge. Never mind Hunter hasn't had a TV match in two months, let's have the impromptu brawl. Rocky with the advantage. Brock hops the guardrail and hits the apron. And that distracts Rocky just long enough for a Pedigree. Hunter leaves the ring as security forces Lesnar and Heyman from the building.

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Running Triple H clock: One segment, 13:04. Thank God The Rock made his way out there, because that segment was dying a horrible death (and taking the crowd down right along with it). That being said, if this leads to Hunter vs. Rocky tonight, it had better be non-title, because nothing bothers me more than someone who has been out of action for months getting a title shot as soon as he has another TV match. Hmm, that sounds like somebody else I know...

Segment 2

Backstage, Rocky wants Brock, but he's already gone, so he wants Hunter instead. Eric balks, but Rocky tells Eric to find a way.

Intergender Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: Trish the Cheating Bitch and Little Spike Dudley vs. Pure and Wholesome Molly Holly (WWE Women's Champion) and Christopher Nowinski

Trish cheap shots Howard Finkel for throwing Lillian Garcia to the wolves. At least she didn't hit him from behind like she usually does. Earlier tonight, Nowinski teased Spike about not scoring with Molly when they dated. At least we acknowledge some history. And he's gonna sleep with Molly. Spike and Nowinski start it off. Nice suplex by Nowinski, and there's the tag to Molly. She gets some slaps in, but Spike slingshots her into Nowinski and tags in Trish. And she's a chopping machine! Whip, reversal, right into a Nowinski boot to the face. Nowinski tagged in, and he slams Trish down hard to the mat. Trish able to come back and get in the Stratusfaction, and there's the tag to Spike. High cross body, but he's caught and put on the turnbuckle. Spike sends Nowinski down, flying stomp, Molly makes the save. Spike goes for a Dudley Dawg, but Nowinski counters into a spinning double underhook suplex for the win at 3:06.

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Why do they bother with this intergender crap? Putting Molly and Trish on opposite sides of a tag team match doesn't disguise the fact that it's another version of Molly vs. Trish, and quite honestly, the series of matches is good but not worth shoving down our throats every week for three months. Match was OK, but nothing special.

Segment 3

When are The Island Boyz gonna stop the insanity? Don't make Howard the bad guy when you would have done the same thing!

Backstage, Eric runs into Goldust, and he wants a tag team title shot at SummerSlam if Booker T can defeat Lance Storm tonight. The crowd pops for the suggestion, and Eric accepts before getting his leg humped by Minidust.

The Fink reminds us of who he is and his accomplishments in WWE. And he's absolutely right. And he issues a public apology to Lillian Garcia...he's sorry she didn't get it sooner. He says he's swallowed a lot of Lillian's "work", but that's nothing compared to what she swallowed to get her job. There goes Kane's pyro...but no Kane. Fink's scared to death though.

Bischoff runs into Rob...Van...Dam backstage, and he says he can guarantee RVD an Intercontinental Title match at SummerSlam, because those papers Stacy gave him on SmackDown were the contract that guaranteed him the rematch. The Hardy Boyz want the shot (actually, Matt does), but Bischoff flips for it, and Jeff wins. Jeff vs. RVD for the IC Title shot later tonight!

The Too Damn Big Show and Y2J(2) are conspiring.

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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So help me God, if Jeff Hardy goes over RVD tonight, I will find out where Vince McMahon lives and...and...and...shit, I really should have this through a little better. You only have one way you can decide that one guys. Do it wisely. And Booker T could earn us a Booker/Goldust vs. Storm/Christian match at SummerSlam. I'm digging that. Just no Hardy vs. Hardy rematch please. I repeat, RVD and Booker win, and no Hardy rematch! Can Bischoff really put the shot up as a stip though? Does it really matter? And how the hell did Stephanie get hold of the contract that guaranteed RVD an automatic title shot anyway? Wouldn't that have been a provision in the original contract?

Segment 4

One fall: Lance Storm (wChristian) vs. Booker T (w/Goldust/Minidust)

The UnAmericans now wear T-shirts with an upside-down American flag on it. Heh. And Howard announced Christian as the opponent. He's channeling Lillian from the hospital bed! The match is pretty even to start, as each man gets in some basic offense until Booker misses a leg lariat and straddles the top rope. Booker's limping a bit after that (hopefully just selling it), and Storm takes control. Booker comes back and gets in a sunset flip for a 2 count. Storm back in control, and surprising heel heat for Storm considering how close they are to Canada. Storm uses a crevatte (a fancy headlock) to wear Booker down. Booker comes back with a flying forearm, and he's a house afire. Low dropkick, flapjack, SPINNAROONIE! Going for the scissor kick, but Christian trips him. Storm rolls Booker up, but Booker kicks out and sends Storm right into Goldust, who punches Storm down. A scissor kick earns Book and Goldust their title shot at 4:40. Postmatch, here comes Test, but here comes The Undertaker to make the save. Goldust chases Christian out through the crowd. Minidust tries to follow but can't. Because he's short. That's supposed to be funny. It's not, but it's supposed to be.

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Decent match, and a good effort, but much too short. We officially have our Tag Team Title match at SummerSlam, we're apparently building toward the Undertaker-Test match, and we have Minidust doing...um...whatever it is he's doing exactly. It furthers everything along, which is good.

Segment 5

Eric is already in the ring with Minidust, and tonight's main event is officially an eight man tag team match. The UnAmericans and Triple H vs. Booker T, Goldust, The Undertaker, and The Rock. Four of those men don't suck, so it could be good. BUT... these people want Minidust, and something tells me he's getting...I'd say...three minutes to entertain them. There's a cartwheel! The world's worst spinnaroonie! There's the three minute call, and here are Jamal and Rosie. They knock him down...and throw him high into the air and hard to the canvas. OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH! And they finish him off with a vicious powerslam off the top rope. In lieu of Joey Styles, let me say it...OH MY GOD! Bischoff says they went too far and they have to go to their room. I think that was sarcasm. But for some real entertainment, here is Eric Bischoff's latest acquisition...My Future Wife!!!!!!!!! I love you Uncle Eric! Dance for me, baby! WHOO HOO! Lawler's got the best seat in the house!

Up next... Bubba Ray and Flair vs. Big Show and Jericho.

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Stacy's on Raw! Stacy's on Raw! Stacy's on Raw! Stacy's on Raw! Stacy's on Raw! OK, I'm done. Now, I'm sure those of you in the United Kingdom are going to have the first half of that segment edited out, but take my word for it. Minidust is a better bumper than most of the top tier. This might be backfiring though, because the Island Boyz were getting face pops for that. I'd rather have my wrestling, but Stacy's dancing and Minidust's good bumps make it passable.

Segment 6

Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: Y2J(2) and The Too Damn Big Show vs. American Dream Bubba Ray Dudley and The Man (WHOO!)

Only in WWE do table matches not blow off feuds. *sigh* Flair and Jericho in to start, and Flair gets in a hiptoss before strutting. Jericho chops away at Flair, and there's a backdrop. Elbowdrop misses, and Flair whips Jericho into the corner. Bubba gets some work in, and there's the tag to Bubba. Bubba takes a tumble over the top rope, and he is your face-in-peril. Whip into the corner by Show, followed by a clothesline. Hard whip into the corner, and down goes Bubba. Whip into the ropes, and Flair tags Bubba coming in. Flair goes to the top, but it never works, and Show with a press slam to Flair. And another. Flair with chops...and Show with chops of his own. Tag to Jericho, and some old-fashioned double teaming. Jericho with a series of elbowdrops for 2. Choke against the ropes, and he goes off the other side, but Flair moves and Jericho bounces off the middle rope. Hot tag to Bubba, and he does a number on Jericho. Show tries to sneak in a clothesline, but misses and gets Jericho. Bubba sends him off the apron, and Jericho with the rollup for 2. Bubba with a side slam, and Show makes the save. All four in, Flair and Show out, and another slam by Bubba...and only a count of two. Flip flop fly! And he tells himself to get the tables, but walks into a Big Show Choke Slam. Jericho for the Lionsault, but Bubba gets the knees up. Show prevents Flair from entering the ring, but Flair backdrops him over the guardrail. Bubba Bomb is countered with a low back kick, and Jericho turns it straight into the Walls of Jericho for the submission win in 7:28. Jericho goes after Flair after the match, but Flair pulls Jericho's tights down to his ankles. He teases a figure-four, but see Show getting into the ring and struts out of the ring.

Still to come, and eight man tag!

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Not a great match as far as star ratings are concerned, but a fun little 10 minute diversion. They were in a nice "go home" groove about three minutes before it actually ended, so sometimes it is actually better to cut it short. Flair looked like he was having fun, and even Show looked somewhat energetic, so a nice use of a segment. In fact, pretty damn good for a Big Show segment.

Segment 7

Backstage, Coach asks Jericho about getting de-pantsed on national TV, and Jericho says he'll show Flair what he thought about it. Next week, Fozzy plays live on Raw. Then, at SummerSlam, Jericho wants Flair in the ring. I'm digging that one! Anybody think Fozzy's only getting three minutes next week?

Here's a video look back at Shawn Michaels' career. Had they given this ten more minutes, he'd have gotten equal time with Hunter.

Coming up next. Dreamer and Stevie in a weapons match!

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Well, another match added to SummerSlam, and hopefully we get a better match out of it than the disappointing Flair-Eddy Guerrero match at King of the Ring. And Fozzy gets to play on Raw next week. I really don't care because the rock 'n' wrestling era died when Cyndi Lauper's 15 minutes of fame ran out, but I never have actually heard their music, so I'll reserve judgment until next week.

The video package was a nice look at HBK. And no, I won't count Hunter's voiceovers on the running clock.

Segment 8

Bring Your Own Weapons Match for the WWE Hardcore Championship: Tommy F'N Dreamer (champion--still with Texas sticker on the belt) vs. Big Stevie Cool

Dreamer with a kendo stick, Stevie with a chair, and these are the only weapons they can use due to an off-camera agreement. Dreamer gets the stick assisted Russian legsweep in early, then goes apeshit with the stick on Richards' body. Dreamer goes to use Richards' chair, but Richards uses Dreamer's stick against him. Get your mind out of the gutter. Dreamer begins to have his leg worked on. Kendo stick shot to the knee. Richards charges Dreamer in the corner, but misses and hits the corner groin first. Dreamer with a spinebuster for a two count. Spicolli Driver attempted, but he can't hold him with the knee, and he gets caught with a Steviekick. Stevie doesn't go for the pin, and gets tied up in the tree of woe. Dreamer stands on his testicles, then sets up the chair...limping chair baseball slide! Richards catches Dreamer with a DDT onto the chair for 2. Stevie grabs the kendo stick and swings, but Dreamer blocks with the chair (which shatters the stick) and hits Richards with the chair for the pin at 3:32.

Let's take a look at this past weekend's Global Warning Tour.

NEXT! Rob Van Dam. Jeff Hardy. An Intercontinental Title shot at stake!

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Just let Dreamer run with the hardcore division. The matches have simply been more entertaining once they finally decided to let Dreamer be ECW Dreamer and create cool shit to do in a no DQ setting. Some nice spots all around, and that finish was sweet as hell. I was actually surprised the match was as short as it was, because there was a ton of action in it.

Segment 9

Live in Seattle! It's still daylight! It's only 7:32pm out there!

One fall to determine a challenger for the WWE Intercontinental Championship at SummerSlam: Mr. Pushed to the Extreme vs. Rob...Van...Dam

Lita is watching from the World...and the neckbrace is off. I know you all care. And for those of you who have been asking, check out your local costume shop for that Jeff Hardy body paint. Wrestling sequence ends with Hardy getting his double legdrop to the hamstring cradle for 2. RVD slingshots Hardy into the corner and connects with a springboard side kick for 2. Lots of flippy floppy stuff ends in a stiff spinning mule kick by Jeff. Out of the ring they go, and Jeff goes for the running guardrail thing, but stumbles and gets legswept off of it. RVD with the spinning legdrop off the apron with Jeff draped across the guardrail. Back in the ring, and the rolling thunder for 2 (already?). And a headscissors by RVD (!). Mat wrestling. By RVD. I'm just as shocked as you are. Hardy breaks the hold, and hits the Whisper in the Wind for a near fall. Trading blows in mid-ring, and Hardy comes off with a stiff DDT. Jeff fails to cover though, and heads to the top, but RVD catches him. RVD up with him, and Jeff shoves him off the top rope...and into Nick Patrick. Swanton Bomb misses, and in comes Matt Hardy...with a Twist of Fate to his brother (and a huge mixed but mostly heel reaction). RVD up top with the Five Star Frog Splash, and Patrick wakes up to make the three count at 5:06. RVD vs. Benoit at SummerSlam. But what does Lita think about all this?

Tonight, the "biggest 8-man tag in Raw history".

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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A better match than their ladder match a few weeks ago, even with the shortened length of time. This was "Let's get in our signature spots and not worry about telling a story", but the crowd was up for it and it was very entertaining. I'm not sure we're ready for Hardy vs. Hardy take 2, particularly if they decide to do another mat based matchup (remember Vengeance 2001? Ugh...), but RVD-Benoit II could be match of the year if they give them 15-20 minutes. Nothing but good stuff here.

Segment 10

Brock vs. Rikishi on SmackDown. Good luck, Dr. Tom.

Someone Feed Terri is talking to the UnAmericans and asks them about their title defense at SummerSlam. Christian thinks the country should be ashamed to have Booker and Goldust as heroes. And Test has gotten his match with The Undertaker. So SmackDown's SummerSlam representatives will be Brock Lesnar and...and...oh.

Into the production truck goes Eric Bischoff, and he wants to know why they showed the SmackDown promo. Kevin Dunn claims they had nothing to do with it. Bischoff signs Triple H vs. The Rock for next week to counteract Stephanie paying for commercial time.

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COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Was there a point to the bit in the production truck? I'm just glad they're not hyping it as a title match. Just our luck, they'd put the belt right back on Hunter, the ratings would go up because Rocky's in the main event, and they'd use it as an excuse to depush everybody the fans actually care about. If this comes anywhere near their 2000 series, it will be good, but Hunter may not be capable of that.

Nothing offensive with the UnAmericans interview--well, moreso than usual--and best of all, no Triple H. So he'll only be in two segments of the entire show. For more time, unfortunately.

Segment 11

Eight Man Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: Hungry Hungry Hippos and The UnAmericans vs. Booker T, Goldust, The Undertaker, and Rocky Wants to be in Pictures

Of course, Hunter comes out first to inflate his TV time. Goldust and Christian start it off. They do a punching fest until Goldust gets in the butt butt for 2. Christian tags Storm in, Goldust tags Booker T. Booker chops and stomps at Storm. Short leg lariat, followed by a Harlem Side Kick for 2. Tag to the Rock, and he punches. And kicks. And sends Storm to the floor. He wants The Game, but Storm is legal and attacks from behind. Why are the faces always so stupid that they turn their back on the legal man? Rock gets in a DDT and a kip-up, but Christian attacks Rocky as he tries to go after Hunter. Hunter tags in and works over an already weakened Rock. Rock comes back, and thanks to a shot from Test, they fuck up the high knee spot. And that's Hunter's only non-Pedigree move. Booker and Christian in, and Booker is getting worked over in the heel corner. Booker is able to catch Storm with a spinning leg lariat, but he's simply outmanned in the heel corner. Test is in now. Whip into the corner followed by a clothesline, and Goldust is forced to make a save. Triple H tagged in. Snap mare, followed by a chokehold. There you go, expand that moveset! Vertical suplex and a cover, and this time Taker makes the save. Christian in, and he wears Booker down with a reverse chinlock. Booker out of it with elbows, but Christian with a dropkick and a tag to Test. Test into the reverse chinlock now. Booker elbows out again, but gets caught with a tilt-a-whirl. This time Rock makes the save. Hunter tagged in as the crowd starts chanting for Taker. Hunter with a sleeper, and Booker's arm drops twice. Booker fighting back, but he gets caught...but he takes HHH down. Both men down, it's a race to the corner...and tags are made to Test and Taker to a huge pop. Taker clears the ring of his opponents, but he is soon outmanned, and all eight men brawl in and out of the ring. Taker clotheslines Test and HHH and goes for a choke slam, but Taker gets low blowed. Test goes for the pumphandle but gets glommed by Booker. Hunter goes to Pedigree Taker, but in comes The Rock. Test comes in and walks into a Rock Bottom, and Hunter makes the save. Taker choke slams Lance, and he goes to take Christian on his Last Ride, but Test is in with a Big Boot and a pin in 11:37. Believe it or not, they were actually the legal men too.

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END OF SHOW
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Excellent main event. I cannot praise this enough, even with Test in it. Way too much going on at the end of it for me to try to keep up with, and they actually booked the finish right. You want people to think Test has a snowball's chance in hell of winning at SummerSlam? You have him score the pin over Taker on Raw. Simple and effective.

The final tally on the HHH clock: 2 segments, 30:34 total time (11:37 of it actual wrestling). And that doesn't include replays and mentions of his name, just his actual "live" presence. It appears better than last week because he was in fewer segments, but it's actually about even once you take the match out of the equation. The moral for HHHaters everywhere...before you bitch about his airtime, just wait until he isn't in every single segment. Anyway, he looked passable in a multi-man tag, but can he look good in a singles match with The Rock next week? He can't suck more than King of the Ring.

Overall, this is a passable show. A bit better than last week's in my opinion, but not as good as some of the efforts they've had in the last month or so. I automatically like a show better when the main event is a match instead of an interview though.

Let me know what you think about this and my other stuff at the usual addy.



 

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