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WWE Velocity: CRUCIFIED~!
Posted by "Crucifixio Jones" on Dec 11, 2002, 03:17
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WWE Velocity: CRUCIFIED~!
by "Crucifixio Jones"
First things first:
I'VE GOT A BONE TO PICK
For as much as I have seemed to cause over the past two or three years, I think that and sincerely believe that internet drama is pretty pathetic. Maybe that's the point of causing so much; to see just how many people actually get wrapped up in it and invest their time and emotion to complete strangers miles away who more than likely aren't worth the time and effort.
Recently, I came across some words spoken by an old nemesis of mine. We were at odds sporadically at the old Smarks EZ Board and since he started his gig at 411 and me with a new addition to my family, we simply don't "talk" as much as we used to. But upon seeing his words, I was moved to action:
"While you are over there [TheSmartMarks.com], check out another old friend, O.R. Polk Jr, the man is the shit when it comes to reviewing DVD's that you actually WANT TO SEE and one of the best out there in my humble opinion."
Well, I'll be damned. Thanks, Jay Bower aka El Cubano. I know you don't need the free pub, but I figured I'd give it anyway, if for no other reason than to let you know, I've still got my eye on you and I am furiously checking your work for grammatical errors and typos. Fucking lucky hack.
For some reason my tape of Velocity starts with the
CrAsH vs. Shannon Moore
...joined in progress...
Moore is stomping a mudhole in Crash's domepiece. Crash mounts a brief comeback before Moore squashes it with a drop toehold into the bottom turnbuckle. Moore puts Crash into the Camel Clutch and I'm sure the Big Bad Booty Daddy will have something to say about that later. HOLLA if ya hear me! Crash fights out of it and gets a rollup for 2. Moore gets back to his feet and gets a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Crash gets a neckbreaker of his own and we have a double KO spot. Both men get back to their feet and Crash powerbombs Moore for 2. Crash sits Moore on the top turnbuckle but Moore elbows him off. Moore goes for the HALO but misses and Crash covers for 2. Irish whip, Moore goes for a flying headscissors but Crash holds onto Moore's legs and plants his face in the mat for the 3. THAT should be called the Crash Landing, not the Styles Clash he does.
- I purchased the new RAW magazine, the 10th Anniversary Special Edition with the HBK/Bret Hart cover this evening. There's an ad for the Royal Rumble and lookee lookee who's on the promotional poster. Triple H. Whoopee. You know Magnum TA may have said that no one stays on top forever in Truitt's shoot recap but I'll be damned if it can't FEEL like it. Geez.
- Back on Velocity, they recap the 1st Ever (and hopefully, last) Hip Hop Challenge. As an avid and pretty damned knowledgeable rap fan, I really can't say who's worse, but Rikishi was just embarrassing. I thought he'd have more "flava" than that being samoan and all. He wasn't even flowing, he was just talking, like they were playing "the dozens" and not battling. Tell me 8 Mile didn't inspire this...I did like Cena's jab at Tazz about "coming up short". He is a bit of a short arse, isn't he? Tehehehe. Michael Cole shoots: "That was ridiculous. The best part of the segment was Tazz putting the Tazzmission on Cena!" You said it Cole.
In the ring, decked out in powder blue and silver...
John Cena (with B-Squared) vs. Paul London
Even the announcers poke fun at the jobber's name: "Didn't he write "Call of the Wild???" Sign in the crowd: "You can't rap, so shut your trap!" My sign in response: "Your sign rhymes but it's still pretty fucking lame." Hey, I said I was an avid FAN, not that I could rap myself.
We get a lockup to start, London goes behind but Cena takes him down with an armbar. Irish whip by London to Cena to the far corner. London goes outside and launches himself back in, getting Cena in a flying head scissors on the way in. Impressive. Spinning heel kick by London! High flipping dropkick by London! Cover for 2 by London! Man, this jobber's gettin' a lot of offense. London is too pumped, it seems and he misses a flying cross body. It's been a while since I've even seen one of those attempted in a match, much less missed. It looked very odd and funny. Cena decapitates London with a clothesline. It gets 2 so he goes to work abusing London with fists and boots. Sign in the crowd: "Cena needs a drive-by." Rikishi is SOOO gonna rip that sign up if he sees it when he comes out. Because Rikishi nearly lost his life in a drive-by, don'tcha know? But nowadays he's living one day at a time and JUST HAVING FUN. *wretch*
Cena gets a side suplex for 2 and then locks London in a full nelson, a move not seen by yours truly since the days of Hercules Hernandez. London fights out of it but is quickly taken back down. Cena drags London by his leg and talks smack to the crowd. Stevie Wonder can call the enziguiri spot coming. Double KO and London is up first. Two HIGH flipping dropkicks to Cena. Springboard cross body block by London! SPRINGBOARD MOONSAULT by London! What in the world is going on??? Doesn't this jobber know that Cena beat THE KING OF THE WORLD, CHRIS F'N JERICHO on A PPV??? Cena knows. He reverses an irish whip and nails London with his Bossman Slam-like finisher for the win.
- WWE Anthology CD spot with Kurt Angle - I like this piece simply because they show Kurt with the red, white and blue camoflauge singlet and I had been trying to show my wife that outfit forever. Now I finally can. Thanks WWE.
- Back on Velocity we recap the newest twist to the Dawn Marie/Torrie Wilson feud: Dawn wants Torrie, not her father Al. Well, if there was any doubt as to who was writing Smackdown, all doubt should now be erased. I'll admit I wasn't happy that we got all that Al Wilson nonsense at first, but if HLA between Dawn and Torrie is the payoff, I gladly retract any and everything I ever said negative about this angle. All praises due to Heyman.
Question, though: I know we're supposed to suspend disbelief, it's just a TV show, logic is the enemy...blah, blah, blah...but do WWE Superstars watch television? Because if they did, how easy would it be for Al Wilson to just switch on Velocity one Saturday night and see how Dawn Marie is playing him and manipulating his daughter? Poor man probably can't even SEE the buttons on a television anyway...I'm thinking too hard and too much.
Tough Enough III Recap...and I care about this crop of losers why???
The WINNAH~! of the 1st Ever Hip-Hop Challenge vs. Mike Foxxx
Fox doesn't really have 3 x's in his name, I'm just a pervert that way, I suppose. Cole is sure to inform us ONCE AGAIN about Rikishi's brush with death via a drive by shooting and his new lease on life. If I have to hear this story one more time, I'm gonna get a gun myself and finish the job. Shit like this is one of the major drawbacks of a show like Confidential; once something is put out there and considered common knowledge if it is even REMOTELY interesting, we have to hear it ad naseum. Enough already.
This is your standard Rikishi match as Opponent XXX can't get any meaningful offense due to Rikishi's massive girth and he also has to be mindful of avoiding Rikishi's equally massive posterior in the process. Oh, the hilarity. Wake me when it's over. Opponent XXX gets a SUPER stinkface, (Rikishi stinkfaces him and then just sits there on a face for a minute not really doing anything), Savate Kick and the RUMPSHAKER~! (Bonzai Drop, my how we should've loved you and appreciated you more when you were here, Yoko) for the win.
Speaking of which, I'm flipping throught that RAW magazine (which has SUNNY on the back cover, pre-crack whore pic) and I come upon this in the Greatest RAW Moments portion: a six-man tag pitting WWF Champion Diesel, Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker versus Yokozuna, Owen Hart & The British Bulldog. King Mabel and Dean Douglas interfere in this October 9, 1995 match that left 'Taker with a broken orbital bone courtesy of Mabel and Yoko.
After reading it I was like, "Damn, all three of those guys, who were on the same team are friggin' DEAD now." It really is a shame. That was only 1995. The rest of the participants (UT, Nash, HBK, Mabel and Douglas) I just WISH were dead.
RAW Retro - A heel Rock eulogizes Steve Austin until Austin KILLIFIES~! Rocky's Lincoln Continental with his 3:16 monster truck. Damn redneck.
- Recap of the Fatal 4 Way from Smackdown Thursay. Courtesy of that amateur, Dr. Tom:
"Spear gets about 2.75. They reverse each other�s finishers until Edge finally gets the Impaler, for 2.9. The crowd is DYING at these near falls. Edge goes up, and Angle tries to bring him down with the running superplex. Edge shoves him down, though, and comes down with a missile dropkick, again getting about 2.9. Angle kicks Edge on a spear try and Olympic Slams him for a close 2. This match has heated up big time after that second commercial. Angle goes to the Anglelock, which Edge writhes in for a moment before reversing to a rollup for 2. Angle takes him down with a drop toehold and goes right back to the Anglelock. Edge tries to kick out of it, but Angle maintains the hold. Edge struggles for the ropes and finally reaches them. Angle won�t let go of his leg, so Edge enzuigiris him. Edge steals the Olympic Slam, for 2.9 again. He goes up, but Angle is the quicker this time, bringing him down with a top-rope Olympic Slam for the win at 22:46. This match was good throughout, but it clearly ramped up several notches following that second commercial. All of the near falls contributed to a very hot closing few minutes. Primo stuff all around here. 9/10"
Hehe. He said "PRIMO".
Matt Hardy v.1.0 vs Chuck Palumbo
Ya know, I always thought Chuck looked gay long before they teamed him with Billy Gunn. Him and Randy Orton just have that Chippendales look about them and YOU KNOW them dudes ain't straight. Matt Facts for tonight: Matt is a great juggler and he is his father's favorite child. Cole actually disputes that statement, stating matter-of-factly that Jeff is, in fact, his father's favorite child. I'm convinced Jeff is blowing somebody. Even on a Smackdown brand show, he gets the good lip service when his brother should be the focus.
Matt taunts Palumbo until Chuck socks him. I'm surprised that wasn't the finish right there seeing as how Chuck's discus punch is more powerful than the Pedigree here lately. Ok, maybe not that powerful but pretty close. It's like right behind Triple H's sleeper and high knee. I think it's because he didn't spin around Kerry Von Erich style first. Note to WWE 'writers': I think that grace period has passed on the amount of time before you can dust off Ronnie Garvin's old "Hands of Stone" gimmick. Have it at it. You damn near did it with Regal's "Power of the Punch" anyway.
I can't even bring myself to recap the actual action, to be honest. Matt thumbs Palumbo in the eye and does some other heelish stuff, Palumbo misses the Jungle Kick but gets an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. He goes for the DISCUSS PUNCH (< HHH SLEEPER) but Matt sidesteps it and gets the Side Effect for 2. Matt goes up top but Palumbo nails him with a big right hand. Again, I thought that may have been it. Matt distracts the referee and rams Palumbo head and shoulders first into the ringpost. Palumbo suffers an unfortunate Twist of Fate and that's your show. Mattitude is running so wild that Albert got moved up to Smackdown to contain it. It was outta control, says I.
But as a Velocity recapper, it's not like I'm gonna complain about NOT having Albert on the show.
"Crucifixio Jones"
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