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TNA
Raw from JHawk's Beak (3/14/2005)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Mar 14, 2005, 22:52
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Raw from JHawk's Beak (3/14/2005)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
This company amazes me at times, it really does. Just when it appears as though they've got one of the greatest WrestleManias ever on tap, they decide to not only give Christy Hemme a Women's Title shot despite a "career" of photo shoots and lingerie pillow fights, but they add The Big Show vs. Akebono in a sumo match. OK, Akebono was a yokozuna like 12-15 years ago, and I'm certainly not going to question sumo wrestling as a sport, but who actually cares about this match? Is Akebono suddenly going to learn to do quebradas and huracanranas before WrestleMania rolls around? *sigh* Enjoy the ladder match and Michaels-Angle, I guess.
Tonight: This could be an interesting night if nothing else. Batista got to pick his poison and select Triple H's opponent for the evening, and he has chosen the one man Triple H hasn't beaten on television since he returned from his torn quad, Chris Benoit. Plus, after being attacked by Tyson Tomko after his match with Christian last week, Kane is looking for revenge by challenge Christian and Tomko in a handicap match. And could the World Tag Team Champions make an appearance tonight? OK, maybe we're pushing it there.
Segment 1
LIVE from the Arena at Gwinnett Center in Hotlanta! Benoit vs. Triple H!
And first, Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel!
And Y2J+5 is sitting on top of a ladder to hype the Money in the Bank ladder match for a World Title shot at WrestleMania. You know, climbing the ladder of success to get a shot at the World Title. Didn't I cut a similar promo in the SWF the other day? I'm back in e-wrestling less than a month and they start stealing my shit again. And speaking of taking risks to climb the ladder of success, Randy Orton is tonight's guest. Orton's being booed again, as apparently challenging The Undertaker classifies as a full-fledged heel turn. And what makes you think this is going to be as easy as an RKO to the Fabulous Moolah? Orton wants to be a future Hall of Famer, and to do that, he needs to end Taker's WrestleMania winning streak. And a lot of people don't think he can do it, but he beat Mick Foley last year, right? He won the World Title last year, right? And Taker will find out Thursday on SmackDown that Orton is full of surprises. Oh, you like surprises? Jericho has one, and the crowd immediately pops for it thinking it's going to be The Undertaker. But alas, Jericho's next guest faced The Undertaker at WrestleMania VIII: Holy shit, it's Jake "The Snake" Roberts! We all know how this is going to end, but let's enjoy it anyway. And speaking of WrestleMania and Jake Roberts, here's a clip of Roberts with Alice Cooper at WrestleMania III. And there's Roberts at WrestleMania VII! And Kamala at Saturday Night's Main Event. Anything to hype WWE 24/7 for the six people who can actually subscribe to it. Anyway, Roberts knows grandpa and daddy, but he doesn't know Randy that well. Timing is very important. And you're good. Former World Champion. But you don't have the belt tonight. So you must have lost it, right? What Jake's here to do tonight is a favor. "I need to reintroduce your brain to your mouth because you're talking out your ass." But as a favor, here's some advice. Don't bite off more than you can chew, show respect, and be careful. Randy claims it's about not only winning and losing against Taker, but about keeping your soul. And you know about your soul, right? Weren't you one of Taker's victims? Didn't you feel cold? Empty? The crowd's chanting "DDT" as Orton claims he refuses to be afraid. And he'll make a bigger impact at WrestleMania 21 than Jake made his entire career. Jake says Orton wants impact? Here's 12 feet of impact. He goes for the snake, so Randy goes for the RKO. Jake counters with the short clothesline, but when he goes for the DDT, Orton counters with the RKO.
One year ago, Chris Benoit made Triple H tap out to become World Champion. They have a rematch tonight. But up next, Christian and Tyson Tomko vs. Kane.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Forgetting the too easy "Jake Roberts actually found the arena" jokes, let's take a look at that segment. This is failing horribly, as Orton is still supposed to be a babyface here. Hell, all he did was challenge somebody. This isn't Andre the Giant tearing the cross off of Hulk Hogan's chest. Or Paul Orndorff piledriving Hulk Hogan in Poughkeepsie. He issued a challenge. Nothing worth turning heel over. Yet the crowd's turned on him, which should cement Taker's unbeaten streak for one more year. Hell, the crowd was more into seeing Jake Roberts DDT Orton than they were with seeing Orton do anything. What went wrong, WWE? What went wrong? Figure it out and try to fix it.
Segment 2
January 23, 1984: Hulk Hogan wins the WWF Title from The Iron Sheik. Watch his induction live on April 2!
Handicap Match scheduled for one fall: Kane vs. Christian and Tyson Tomko
This is based off of last week, where Kane pinned Christian, but Tomko leveled Kane with the ladder. Kane stalks Tomko at the bell, but Christian attacks from behind. Kane simply tosses Christian into the air and down to the mat. Damn, what an uppercut! Kane goes for a powerslam, but Tomko kicks him in the face. Tomko's the legal man now, and he peppers Kane with a lot of right hands. Shoulderblocks into the midsection. Christian tags in and punches away. Chokehold. Kane comes back with an uppercut. Inverted DDT by Christian for 2. Tag to Tomko, who chokes away. Tomko distracts the referee, and Christian tries to post him, but Kane uses his leg strength to pull Christian face-first into the post. Kane takes control of Tomko. Side slam as Christian heads to the back. Flying clothesline by Kane. Choke Slam, pin at 3:17. Postmatch, Christian pulls a ladder from underneath the ring, but he drops it to avoid Kane. That gives Kane the opportunity to ram the ladder into Tomko's face. Now cue that pyro!
The Man WHOO! tells Gene Snitsky that nothing was his fault. But if Batista gets so hurt tonight that he can't wrestle at WrestleMania, that wouldn't be his fault either. Snitsky says that would definitely be his fault.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
OK, Kane's an unstoppable monster, we get it already. Do you people see now why I didn't like Kane being inserted into the WrestleMania ladder match? Two men couldn't beat him down when they were teaming up, so how is anybody supposed to do it when it's every man for themselves? Give me some hope that somebody more worthy wins that one. As far as the Flair-Snitsky thing goes, I can assume that even if Snitsky makes it out of Raw tonight in good shape that we already know who Batista's opponent for next week is.
Segment 3
Lita is training Christy Hemme, and William Regal and Tajiri are helping out...on the condition that Christy autographs his copy of Playboy. Anyway, Tajiri throws some kicks as Regal defends them. Christy tries it but does some weak kicks, so Regal tells her she's pathetic...so she kicks him as hard as she can in the balls. Well, he wanted her to kick harder.
The Holy Bible Kid is taping up, and Marty Jannetty arrives as HBK's guest. Jannetty's got his wrestling gear, so we're going to see The Rockers back together again against La Resistance.
Up next, Shelton Benjamin vs. Edge.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A Rockers reunion? A Jake Roberts appearance? When did Raw turn into Slamboree: A Legends Reunion? Still, that's going to be one markout moment I don't want to miss, as Michaels and Jannetty haven't teamed up in over 13 years.
Segment 4
September 28, 1998: Steve Austin drives a zamboni to the ring to attack Vince McMahon. Watch him live in Piper's Pit at WrestleMania 21!
And speaking of WrestleMania, Edge, Shelton Benjamin, Kane, Christian, Chris Jericho, and Chris Benoit meet in a ladder match for a World Title shot!
One fall: Shelton Benjamin (WWE Intercontinental Champion) vs. Edge
I'm assuming it's non-title, but it might not matter since Edge attacks Benjamin from behind and beats the living hell out of him. Where's Matt Hardy to make the save, dammit? After an extended beatdown, Edge finally rolls Benjamin into the ring, but referee Mike Chioda refuses to start the match and actually tries to physically restrain Edge. Chioda asks Shelton if he can go, and he says he can, but that's probably stupid. Chioda asks about 45 times if he's sure, and we're underway. Edge immediately sends Benjamin out to the floor.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Good beatdown, and I like that they're showing Benjamin's heart by having him be willing to wrestle anyway, but I highly doubt this match will be anything special because of the way it's been set up.
Segment 5
Edge has Benjamin locked into a bodyscissors. Benjamin fights out of it, but he runs into Edge's knee. Edge goes for a superplex, but Benjamin fights him off before knocking Edge to the mat with a headbutt. Flying lariat by Benjamin, and a cover for a near fall. Edge pounds away at Benjamin. They exchange forearms, and Benjamin takes Edge down with a flying shoulderblock. They exchange right hands now, and Shelton gets the better of it. That's what, about 45 right hands? At least it makes sense in the context of this match. Lariat. Backdrop. Running kneelift. Edge avoids a Stinger Splash, but Benjamin lands feet first on the top rope and comes off with a modifed sunset flip for...only 2? Wow! Edge catches Shelton in midair and powerslams him for 2. Edge sets Benjamin up...but Shelton leap frogs over the spear. Edge ducks the Dragon Whip, causing Shelton to hit Chioda instead. Edge with a spear after avoid the Exploder Suplex, but no referee. Edge smiles and grabs a ladder from underneath the ring. Gee, like you didn't see that one coming. Chris Jericho runs out and smacks the ladder into Edge's face, and one Exploder later, Benjamin gets the upset pin at 9:34.
WrestleMania VII: The Rockers defeat Haku and The Barbarian. They reunite as partners for one night only NEXT!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A very good story told by this match here, and some neat continuity, as Edge used the ladder last week to defeat Jericho, so Jericho gets a bit of revenge on Edge. I really want to see an Edge-Benjamin match when Benjamin is "healthy" after that one. Good drama.
Segment 6
20 Days until WrestleMania 21 Goes Hollywood!
Tonight, Batista battles Gene Snitsky!
One fall: The Rockers vs. La Resistance
I honestly can't believe I typed that, and don't forget that Marty Jannetty wrestles Kurt Angle on SmackDown this Thursday. Did JR just call Jannetty "young man"? That's right up there with Gorilla Monsoon calling Carlos Colon a "youngster" at Royal Rumble 1993. Sylvain Grenier and Jannetty start, and after an arm wringer by Grenier, Jannetty is in control with armdrags and armbars. Grenier with an elbow and a tag to Robert Conway. Double hiptoss. Jannetty with a right hand and a tag to HBK, and there's some classic double teaming. They even bust out the double pescadoe, and Jannetty looks like he's having fun out there. Conway finally pulls down the top rope for HBK to fall to the floor, and La Resistance gains firm control. Grenier with a vertical suplex for 2. Conway in, and he clotheslines Shawn for 2. Grenier back in with a reverse chinlock. Conway in to knock Jannetty off the apron and prevent a tag, and La Resistance busts out the Hart Attack. Grenier covers HBK, and Jannetty makes the save. Michaels tries to chop his way back into the match, and he levels Grenier with a flying forearm. He avoids Conway, who runs into Grenier, and there's the hot tag to Jannetty. Jannetty is a house afire on both men. Grenier finally attacks from behind to gain control, but Jannetty hits the Rocker Dropper. HBK superkicks Conway out of the way as Jannetty pins Grenier at 6:04.
Ric Flair reminds Hungry Hungry Hippos that he's been embarrassed by Benoit and Batista over the last year, but Batista gets maimed by Snitsky tonight. Hunter picks Batista's opponent next week, so nobody will even remember Triple H whining like a baby. Triple H vs. Benoit is next.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Normally I would question the logic of Jannetty coming in for the sole purpose of beating the guy that's there full-time, but it does sort of make sense. Jannetty needs to look like somewhat of a threat as he heads to SmackDown to meet Kurt Angle, so there you go. I'm just disappointed I didn't see a barber shop window anywhere.
Segment 7
Live in Atlanta, Georgia.
Maria asks Trish the Bitch about Lita training Christy, but Trish ended Lita's career, so Christy's next. It's one thing to land a Playboy cover. It's another to win the Women's Title. Maybe Trish should get Hannibal Lectar to train her since she's going to eat Christy alive. And yes, the Twist of Fate was a powerful message, but so is beating the hell out of Maria. Is Maria in pain or faking an orgasm?
Flair is impressed with Snitsky. Bigger. Faster. Better developed. All we need to know is Snitsky mean enough to really hurt him? Flair doesn't realize that Batista is right behind him. Flair essentially tells Batista can't beat Triple H, and Dave just smiles at him. Batista can't take everything away from Hunter, but he says the only thing he's going to take is the title.
Pick Your Poison Match scheduled for one fall: Hungry Hungry Hippos (World Heavyweight Champion) vs. ...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So the most important part of this was Batista' confidence that he was going to take the title at WrestleMania. Got it. At least it was better than the pointless Trish-Maria bit.
Segment 8
... Chris Benoit
Ric Flair has joined Triple H at ringside. And we get the clip of WrestleMania XX where Benoit made Hunter tap like a bitch. There's the "you tapped out" chant at the bell. A mat wrestling sequence to start. Benoit goes for the sharpshooter, but Hunter avoids it, but Benoit can't resist getting a cheap shot in on Hunter in the ropes. Side headlock for 1. Off the ropes, and down goes Hunter with a shoulderblock. Backslide, block, backflip, and Benoit twice goes for the Crippler Crossface but twice fails to lock it in. Hunter rolls to the floor for a Tastykake break. Benoit tries to pull Hunter in by the hair, but Hunter levels him with a right hand and reenters the ring. Benoit regains control and takes Triple H down with a snap suplex. Hunter to the floor, Benoit follows, and Benoit continues putting the pressure on. Back into the ring they go. A chop, and again Hunter rolls to the floor. Benoit follows again, and they're in and out more than Heidi Fleiss on 2-for-1 night.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
All Benoit so far, which can't last for very long.
Segment 9
Hunter punches, Benoit chops. Triple H with a spinebuster out of nowhere for 2. Chokehold. Hard corner whip and a cover for 2. Hunter places Benoit on the turnbuckle and punches away at Benoit. He wants a superplex, but Benoit headbutts Hunter off the buckle. Benoit might want the diving headbutt, but Hunter crotches him. There's the superplex he was looking for, and there's the cover for 2. Hunter calls for the Pedigree, but Benoit counters that into a slingshot into the turnbuckle. They exchange punches and chops in mid-ring. Benoit counters a suplex into the rolling German suplexes. More rolling Germans as Hunter gets to his feet too soon for the diving headbutt. This time Hunter stays down, and the diving headbutt gets close to, but not quite, 3. More German suplexes, but this time Hunter blocks the third one. Chops in the corner. Mounted punches. More chops. Hunter reverses a whip, and Benoit hits the corner hard. Hunter crawls over for a very delayed cover, and as a result, Earl Hebner can only count to 2. Hunter counters a sharpshooter, and Benoit counters the Pedigree into the Crippler Crossface. Hebner checks the arm, but it only drops once. Hunter is able to break Benoit's grip, so Benoit goes back to the Germans. Hunter counters, and Benoit again counters the Pedigree, this time into the sharpshooter. Flair to the apron with the title belt, and Benoit lets go. Hebner ejects Flair from ringside, but the distraction enables Hunter to get the unseen low blow before hitting the Pedigree for the pin at 16:53. Excellent match, bad finish.
The SmackDown Rebound focuses on the ongoing John Bradshaw Layfield-John Cena story arc.
Batista vs. Gene Snitsky is still to come.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
And thus we go back to what was first pissing me off about Triple H back in 2002. It doesn't matter exactly what happened the first 16:45, because it all comes down to the Pedigree in the end. Benoit basically dominates the last five minutes and uses virtually every signature move he's got, and it's merely a low blow and a Pedigree to put Benoit away. And the kicker is that you have the big gold title belt at ringside already. Why the hell didn't Flair just toss it to Triple H as Hebner was ejecting him? Then it's title belt shot, cheap pin, and it actually looks like Hunter had to cheat to win. Instead, it makes it look like the Pedigree is the most dangerous move in the history of dangerous moves. Still an excellent match, easily the best free TV match in two weeks.
Segment 10
WrestleMania commercial with Christy Hemme and Kurt Angle parodying When Harry Met Sally, complete with Linda McMahon cameo. Better than Dirty Harry Calloway.
Don't miss the Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony on April 2, and don't miss the Randy Orton-Undertaker contract signing at SmackDown. Yes, it's Orton vs. Taker at WrestleMania. Also, Steve Austin enters Piper's Pit. John Cena vs. John Bradshaw Layfield. Christy Hemme vs. Trish Stratus. The Money in the Bank Ladder Match. Shawn Michaels vs. Kurt Angle. The Big Show vs. Akebono in a sumo match. We'll meet the seven (and only seven) Hall of Fame inductees. And the main event: Triple H defends the World Heavyweight Title at WrestleMania. That's seven matches and two of them have to be super short.
But let's go to someone who's not even on the card, as Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari stand at the top of the ramp with a microphone. Hassan compares himself to an undefeated team not making the NCAA tournament, as he's never been pinned but hasn't made the WrestleMania card yet. But this runs deeper than the WWE. He blames the racist nature of the fans. Then explain Ahmed Johnson: Intercontinental Champion. Somebody cues Charlie Haas' music for no apparent reason.
Christy tells Lita she wants to check on Maria, but first she makes Lita promise she'll show Christy how to beat Trish. That brings Snitsky in to welcome Lita back and promise to finish what he started with Lita after he finishes with Batista...NEXT!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Am I the only one on the Muhammad Hassan bandwagon? I hate the gimmick as much as anybody else, but that guy knows how to rile up a crowd.
Segment 11
One fall: Batista vs. Gene Snitsky
Lilian Garcia just calls him "Snitsky", so apparently Mr. Mackey thinks first names are bad, mmmkay? Triple H and Flair make their way to ringside before the bell. Triple H gives Snitsky some advice. Snitsky with a side headlock. Shoulderblock, nobody moves. Clothesline, and Snitsky goes down. Oops. Powerslam. Batista allows himself to get distracted by Flair and Triple H, and that allows Snitsky to gain control. Snitsky slams both of Batista's legs into the ringpost. And Snitsky makes the legs his target, apparently at the behest of the World Heavyweight Champion. Leglock. A boot to the face to prevent the Batista comeback. Triple H shouts "Finish him" as Snitsky hits the Pumphandle Slam, but Batista kicks out at 2. Snitsky tries to post the legs again, but Batista kicks him off. Batista slams Snitsky into the ringpost, and back into the ring they go. Forearms by Batista. Punches in the corner. Corner whip and a clothesline. Another clothesline. Sidewalk slam. Going for the Batista Bomb, but Flair attacks from behind to cause the DQ at 4:45. That makes it 3 vs. 1 on Batista, but even that can't stop Batista, as he throws down Flair and Snitsky as Hunter bails. Batista wants Hunter in the ring, and Hunter had a chair, but he gets surrounded in a hurry...until Kane comes out and goes after Snitsky. Batista with the spinebuster to Flair, and Hunter bails as Kane choke slams Snitsky. And there's the Batista Bomb for Snitsky. Hunter's got the mic, and he gets to choose Batista's opponent for next week: Kane.
END OF SHOW
This match was not good by any means, and it did nothing except set up next week's Kane-Batista matchup (and setting it up rather predictably, as I had already typed it in as an official prediction 30 seconds before Hunter ever said anything). Haven't we blown off the Kane-Snitsky feud like 145 times already?
Overall, actually a pretty solid Raw. Some good wrestling with Edge-Benjamin and Hunter-Benoit, some markout moments with the appearance of Jake Roberts and the Rockers reunion, and some pretty decent build for WrestleMania. Now if we can just get Christy Hemme off TV and into straight-to-video porn, we're all set.
Drop me a line here.
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