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Wrestling > TNA

Raw from JHawk's Beak
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Feb 3, 2003, 22:28

Raw from JHawk's Beak (2/3/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

Let me say that I appreciate Byron pimping this in his weekend news flash. I watch this dreck so you don't have to.

E-mail of the Week: Bob Jerkerson sends me his take on what I referred to as the "Stripper Dance":

Thanks for using my HossMen joke. Now all I have to do is convince a million internet fans that I'm the guy who came up with it.

Also: HBK's stripper dance. One time I rented the 97 Royal Rumble, and my little sister walks into the living room: "Who the hell's that?" Me: "Shawn Michaels when he had his 'male stripper' gimmick."

Hey, at least he doesn't show his butt on TV anymore.

And we all thank God for that, Bob. My opinion: If Stacy Keibler and Dawn Marie have to wear thongs, Shawn sure as hell better wear as least that much (preferably more). Remember, send me your e-mails at the feedback addy at the bottom of this recap if you'd like to be immortalized in the E-mail of the Week (and even if you don't but have a comment).

If the retro jerseys fit... I'm more or less getting sick of hearing about the LeBron James situation, especially since I live about 45 minutes outside of Akron and therefore have to hear about it even more than most of you do, but I'm going to say my peace on it.

Allow me to say that I think the rule in question sucks, simply because it's too strict. However, I agree with the ruling by the Ohio High School Athletic Association. I question the alleged value of the jerseys (I bought a customized Browns jersey for $125, so unless these jerseys are gameworn and/or autographed, there's no way in hell they're over $400 each), but he took them and got burned on it. "But he took them back." Yeah, well, he shouldn't have accepted them in the first place. Frankly, he's lucky he wasn't busted long before now. Fact: His mother is unemployed. Fact: The closest thing he has to a father figure is his mother's boyfriend, who is currently in jail. Fact: Akron isn't exactly where celebrities go to on vacation. But to contrast those facts... Fact: The hummer loan is in his mom's name. Fact: The guy dresses like he's the spokesperson for GQ. Fact: The man goes to a private Catholic school. How the hell can he afford those clothes? How the hell can he afford to go to a private school in the first place? In order to go a private school with his family's admittedly limited income, then he's probably getting a scholarship or something similar, and that's could be considered a recruitment tactic. That's apparently legal, but it's not exactly ethical since public schools can't offer perks like that to athletes without suspensions and forfeited games, even though public and private schools in Ohio still compete for the same state championships.

If we assume that the bank allowed the loan on the hummer based on LeBron's estimated future earnings (and by the way, what car needs three TVs and a Playstation 2 or whatever his setup is? Is he going to play Grand Theft Auto: Vice City while driving along Interstate 76?), then it's a technicality. His mom got the loan because her son is LeBron James, so he's still benefitting on his fame no matter whose name it's actually in. It's a nifty little loophole though, and I'll buy it to a point. But think of it this way. When I was 18, both my parents worked, and had they gone to a bank and asked for an $80,000 loan to get me a car, they'd have been laughed out of the loan office.

Does it suck that his high school career is probably over because of a couple of jerseys? Yes. But unless he can prove that he's known the owner of that shop since before he gained some fame and can also prove he'd gotten free stuff from him before he got some fame, then he broke the rule. Plain and simple.

Well, he can be the star player for a shitty Cleveland team next season, and that will be the end of it.

Tonight: Scott Steiner meets Chris Jericho in a number one contenders match, plus we'll build to inevitable Kane-Batista and Trish-Jazz PPV matches. And Bischoff has nine days to save his job (say seven days all you want to, WWE executives, but do some freaking math when you set a deadline like that), so he's likely to step up pursuit of Steve Austin by teasing an appearance all night long. So let's get on with the crapfest, shall we?

Segment 1

Easy E is live in San Antonio...and he's gotten dubbed over in Spanish, so I have no clue what the fuck's going on. Based on my high school Spanish background, I think it's something about Bischoff is going to find Austin to sign a contract. Damn these WCW production gaffs. What the fuck was that? And no, it's not the SAP button on my TV, I checked!

LIVE from the MCI Center in Washington, DC! Still in Spanish! There they go, they finally got it fixed! Tonight, the top contenders showdown!

But first, it's My Future Wife and Test making their way to the ring for the first time since the chair shot two weeks ago! And she's got the stick...get your mind out of the gutter! She thanks everyone for their support, but wants it behind her. It was an accident, but she needs to be more careful. All she really wanted was an apology. Test takes the stick from her...get your mind out of the gutter...and if Jericho doesn't apologize, "I'm going to beat an apology out of your ass." Why does that sound like a South Park plot? And out comes Y2J+3, and smartly he's staying on the ramp for now. Jericho has already said that he feels horrible about what happened, but he has more important things to worry about, like the top contenders match with Scott Steiner. And from there, it's defending the World Title at WrestleMania. OK, so he leveled Stacy, "but the most important thing is that I've gotten over that now," so Jericho suggests Test get over it. Test gives Jericho five seconds to apologize, but it's ChrisTIAN attacking Test fom behind...and knocking Test into Stacy. Chrisitan lays in a beating as Jericho celebrates on the ramp, and Christian taunts Stacy. Test with a spear to Christian, and now he's mauling him. Jericho immediately takes off running as Test continues the beatdown. He starts to head outside, seemingly for a chair, but he stops and checks on Stacy as the crowd BOOS!

Kane enters Chief Morley's office and finds Rob...Van...Dam. Rob's going to ask for a rematch from last week. Kane says he couldn't let people see his face last week. Plenty of tension because RVD wasn't happy about being left (Spiderman references abound), and in comes Chief Morley to sanction Kane vs. RVD for tonight.


OK, the Stacy angle isn't going anywhere, and the crowd let them know it and let them know loudly. And with that, that might end the last chance Test had of ever getting over. Well, maybe it's because Test got to hug Stacy and they didn't, but it's still not a good sign. This just didn't click with me, but that might be more because of them foreshadowing what will happen in the top contenders match...Jericho gets screwed even though Steiner-Hunter's sucked once already. As far as Kane vs. RVD goes, I don't see where any good can come out of it. I doubt a Kane heel turn would fly, an RVD heel turn would alienate most of the fanbase, and I doubt it's going off without a run-in of some sort anyway.

Segment 2

Test and Stacy are going to get out of harm's way. Apparently that means leaving the building. Thank God.

Tag team contest scheduled for one fall: The Reunited Damn Dudleyz vs. Three Minute Warning

I like the new T-shirts. I won't buy one but I like them. Your hosts are Good Ol' JR and The Pharaoh, and they admit they fucked up the feed with the Spanish earlier, and Bisch is apparently off to Austin's home to sign the contracts. Did Rico stop managing these guys and nobody mentioned it? BUT WAIT! Chief Morley is on the stage, and there's no referee in the ring. Why? Because there's a special referee. Ah. There's Rico. Great. Of course, 3MW attacks from behind, and we are underway. Rosey is up top to moonsault Bubba Ray, and he goes for a split-legged moonsault (!!!!!!!!!!!), but Bubba moves! Jamal goes to superplex D-Von, but Bubba picks him up. Dudley Device! Cover, and Rico with the world's slowest count for 2, and I think some fans want a refund already. 3D set up, but Jamal rolls up Bubba, hooks the rope, and Rico makes the Teddy Long count for the pin at 1:13. Fuck this garbage! DUD, only because I never give minus signs. The Dudleys attack Rico, and out comes Little Spike Dudley to even the odds. He slides a table in, the three faces clean house, and Bubba throws Spike onto Jamal and Rosey. Table set up, Rico on Bubba's shoulders...SUPER BOMB through the table! I still don't know what the point was.

Easy E is on his cell phone, and the limo driver apparently can't find Austin's house. And a dropped call. It must be from Alltel.

Your hosts hype the new Raw magazine with Austin on the cover. Tonight, Booker T and Goldust get their rematch for the World Tag Team Titles (finally!).


I think my brother just said it best: "This is the garbage that made me stop watching WCW in the first place." What is the need in having an evil commissioner/GM/chief of staff/whatever whose sole interest in life is screwing somebody over? Hopefully, the postmatch squashing is the end of this crap. Now if they just let the titles change hands tonight and go back to their rightful holders, maybe we can finally call an end to this Feud to Nowhere!

Segment 3

We have a Bischoff countdown on the screen, but THAT ONLY MAKES 28 FUCKING DAYS! It's not even tough math.

One fall: Tommy F'N Dreamer vs.

Well, forget that, because the Four HOSS!men are out to waste more TV time with non-wrestling crap. Notice how Hunter couldn't main event at Madison Square Garden, the dream of most pro wrestlers, because his thigh hurt? They cut people from Tough Enough for shit like that. Batista spears Dreamer, and now let the beatdown commence. Nice spinebuster though. Well, Hunter shoves him with his foot. Careful, you might full out tear the quad. Oh, take the stick and bore the crowd. Good good. Hunter calls this the greatest example of evolution ever seen in this ring. At least he's putting Flair over (it only took four months). For once, I agree with Hunter. Oops, he says he is now what Flair was. That agreement lasted about 10 seconds. He essentially steals Flair's gimmick by saying all the women want him, and he's walking very good without that freaking crutch! He claims to be the only diamond in the business...I might need an extra column for that one. Hunter claims Batista has the power to stop genetics (and I'm not exaggerating either, he used the phrase "genetic stopping power"). And now to Randy Orton, who Hunter also puts over Orton and says he's the coal that will be squeezed into the next diamond. So when you're in a hospital bed all beat up wondering what happened, "Evolution just passed you by." So they're called "Evolution"? How lame is that?


HHHater Clock: One segment, 7:01. You know, I actually would have praised that segment under normal circumstances...but it says wrestling on the marquee and I have yet to actually see any! Hey, it's cool if Hunter wants to actually put some people over and establish his stable is full of tough guys, although he's not doing it by actually defending the title. But it's 9:36, and we've had 1:13 of wrestling. Oh, and Hunter, not only were you walking around pretty damn well without a crutch on your "bruised hemotoba" or whatever JR called it, but when you finally went back to the crutch, you put it under the opposite arm that you originally had it on. If you're hurt, fine. If not, suck it up and drop the title to someone who doesn't get a new injury every two weeks! Now get to some actual fucking wrestling already.

Segment 4

Someone Feed Terri talks to Big Poppa Steroid Pump to show him footage of what Hunter and company have done to him. Because Heaven forbid they show wrestling. Yes, I'm harping on it, and I'll continue to harp on it until they show me some. So how is Steiner planning on dealing with Jericho? With his biceps, of course.

The egomaniac gets more airtime! His group has their own sky box, and they're own cute waitress!

The Bischoff Countdown Clock appears, and Bischoff is dropped off outside the Alamo. Or maybe Austin's house. He hopes so, at least. Well, he's at the wrong place, because some guy who looks like JR (named Buford) answers the door and tells Bischoff to go to the Longhorn Saloon in downtown Bandera. Well, this sounds familiar.


HHHater Clock: Two segments, 7:22.

Gee, let me guess. Austin's not going to be at the bar either and Bischoff will nearly get into a fight with the locals. Now we're rehashing 1998 for an angle that might not go anywhere anyway. And STILL not one real match unless you count that screwjob tag team match in segment 2.

Segment 5

Live in Washington, DC, and God bless these fans, they're trying to keep awake. More footage now as we tell you about Jazz's return. Does someone have a clock on the repeat footage? It might be rivaling the HHHater Clock tonight.

Non-title match scheduled for one fall: Victoria (w/Steven Richards) vs. Pure and Wholesome Molly Holly

And we have a nothing match when we finally get wrestling, although with two competent workers. Snap mare attempt by the champion, but Molly cartwheels out of it! Beautifully done! Victoria does a form of a torture rack into a side slam for 2. Elbowdrop gets 2. And a knee to the face. And she tosses Molly down by the hair. Front facelock into a delayed vertical suplex for 2. Widow's Peak is countered, and Molly makes the comeback. Handspring elbow attempted, but Victoria takes her down with a clothesline, and the Widow's Peak gets the win at 2:52. Good while it lasted, but why did Molly nearly get squashed? * Jazz runs in and again shoves Victoria aside to get to her real target, Molly. But Victoria takes exception to it, Stevie tries to get involved but is shoved aside, but Jazz merely shoves Victoria aside and gets a DDT on Molly. Hmm...

Black Gold is in their locker room, and they're ready. Goldust says Booker is capable of so much more, and he wonders why they should go through five or six months as a team. Goldust wants the team to split if they don't win the titles. Booker reluctantly agrees. Goldust says, "I love you," and Booker more or less shrugs it off to get keyed up for the match. Well, it was fun while it lasted.


We finally got an actual match tonight, and there was some decent action, but couldn't Molly have at least gotten a couple of near falls or something? Aside from a few flips and some basic shots, she looked like a jobber on Wrestling Challenge out there, and she is capable of so much more than that. Still, they got an intriguing storyline with Jazz and Victoria here. A partnership centered around their relationships with Stevie with a face turn for Victoria down the line, perhaps?

And theoretically, splitting the Booker/Goldust team could be a plus, but I'm afraid that if there's no title change tonight, then that's the end of both of their pushes.

Segment 6

That is one hot little waitress in the HOSS!men skybox. That doesn't mean they should have gone back to them, we know they're there already.

One fall for the linear World Tag Team Championship: Black Gold vs. Lance Storm/William Regal (champions)

Nick Patrick immediately goes to check for the brass knuckles, and for once they're clean. "USA" chants at the bell. Goldust and Storm start. Storm to the arm immediately. Goldust reverses the standing wristlock. Series of punches, and barely a minute in, he busts out the uppercut. Tag to Booker, who chops away. Irish whip, but Storm blocks a backdrop with a kick to the chest and gets a heel kick in for 2. Jawbreaker and a tag to Regal. Booker catches Regal coming in with a flying forearm, and a leg lariat gets 2. Tag to Goldust, who gets a forearm off the ropes to Regal's back. Regal with an elbow and a tag, but Goldust takes him down with an armdrag into an armbar. There's the whip, Regal with a knee to the back, and there's the tag. Nice armdrag for 2. Tag to Storm as the crowd tries to rally behind Goldust. Into a neck vice as the "USA" chant returns. Storm misses a dropkick, and Goldust rolls him up for 2. Goldust going for the tag, but Regal pulls Booker off the apron. Goldust with an inverted atomic drop to Storm, and now he works over both of the champions. Powerslam, and Regal has to make the save. Booker in, and it's a four way brawl. Goldust charges Storm but misses and clotheslines Booker...and the heel kick by Storm wins it at 5:35. OK match, but who the fuck is in the tag division besides the Dudleys now? *1/2 Booker gets the mic and calls Goldust back into the ring. They've got nothing to be ashamed about, and Goldust might have broken his nose. They had one hell of a run (nice pop), and he can respect them going their separate ways, but Booker enjoyed every second they've been together. There's the hug to a solid pop.

Up next, Rob Van Dam vs. Kane.


HHHater Clock: Three segments, 7:30.

I have mixed feelings about them actually splitting this tag team up. If the plan is that Booker T is taking Hunter's title at WrestleMania while getting a fair shot to show he's a competent draw, then I'm all for it. If this is merely an excuse to leave them in midcard hell the way they've done with RVD since September, then splitting up the team is pointless. Very classy way to break the team up and do it without forcing a turn that nobody really wanted to see.

Segment 7

We are now at the Longhorn Saloon in Bandera, Texas, and in comes Eric Bischoff. Bischoff orders a martini and gets laughed at. This is one of them there tough bars, Bisch. All they got is cold beer, which is fine. He asks if they've seen Austin lately, and he was there earlier. Now he's down at the Arkey Blue's Silver Dollar. Isn't that the bar where Austin and Eddie Guerrero had their karaoke night? Bischoff leaves a hundred dollar bill and says to keep the change.

One fall: Kane vs. Rob...Van...Dam

Kane with a clothesline...bell...cover...2. Had that been the pin, I'd have been highly pissed because that's an illegal pin. RVD with a split-legged moonsault for 2. Kane with a side headlock, shoved off the ropes, and Kane with a powerslam for 2. Press slam, but RVD avoids it and targets the knee. Up top...flying side kick, and Kane to the floor for a Tastykake break. RVD with a baseball slide and a no hands plancha onto Kane. Hard clothesline by Kane. Back into the ring they go. Kane with a side slam for 2. Kane sets up the choke slam, but it's stopped with a kick to the face. Spinning mule kick, rolling thunder, and RVD drags Kane away from the ropes and covers for 2. Whip, reversal, Kane with a big boot. Up to the top...flying clothesline! The referee checks on RVD, but he's playing possum. Heel trip, legsweep, and up top, but Mr. Extreme shoves him off the buckle for the DQ at 4:12. Decent enough. * Hardy with a slap to Kane, and he gets a choke slam for his troubles. And RVD is up top...and he does a quarter turn to Five Star poor Jeff Hardy! This team's still together, for better or worse.

Booker T is looking for Goldust, and Earl Hebner tells him he's headed back to his hotel.


So is Jeff Hardy a face or a heel or what? I see him as having absolutely no heat at this point. Actually a pretty decent match at any rate, even if there wasn't much of an actual story being told. How Kane was fooled by RVD's "owowowowow" sell job of the faked injury is beyond me though.

Unfortunately, we appear to be building a Goldust-Booker turn anyway. Why would we care if he's looking for Goldust after we already had them hugging each other in mid-ring if they weren't going there.

Segment 8

Jeff Hardy is still lying in the ring, and here comes the Holy Bible Kid. Great, more non-wrestling. This is leg when you go to a Lynard Skynard concert and they don't play "Freebird" until you're already bored to death. Michaels was going to discuss Jericho, but since he's otherwise engaged, he's going to give Hardy some free advice. He knows Hardy's angry right now, but his biggest problem is "wasted potential." Hardy is at a crossroads, and it's decision time. HBK's been there. Remember him throwing Marty Jannetty through a window? The crowd does, based on the pop. Michaels says he's the better man for that decision. So Hardy turns heel by beating on Shawn Michaels? Michaels says Hardy needs to make that decision tonight. Hardy rips the mic out of his hands. Hardy says there's not enough time to describe who he is, and he tries to jump Shawn, but HBK superkicks him in the face. Well, with all due respect to Tony Schiavone, that was probably the most pointless heel turn in the history of this great sport.


Um...was that supposed to get Jeff Hardy over? And if so, what was the logic behind it? It might have worked had he been able to do something to Michaels (and thus give HBK an opponent for No Way Out as a way to build to his apparent WrestleMania match with Chris Jericho). Instead, he gets beat up again, looks even more like a chump than he did in the Undertaker feud, and we get yet another segment that would have been better served with a match. I think they're intentionally making this show suck to justify Bischoff getting fired.

Segment 9

One fall: Maven vs. Down with D'Lo Brown (w/Teddy Long)

D'Lo with a side headlock to start. NICE armdrag from Maven, and now he gets a headlock. Drop toehold and a floatover to a headlock. Headlock takedown, and D'Lo nearly lands on his head. D'Lo gets some rollovers for 2, then gets a real advantage with a knee to the midsection. Backbreaker by D'Lo for 2. Hard whip into the turnbuckle, and some knees to the back. D'Lo is clearly working on the back like he did last week. Maven comes back with some forearms. Heel kick for 2. Roll up for 2. Backslide for 2. Bulldog off the second rope for a very near fall. Maven is getting frustrated, but he's up top. He misses the missile dropkick though, and Fade to Black for the pin at 3:55. Ending was kind of out of nowhere, but I can handle this. * Teddy's got the stick. D'Lo is undefeated under Long's guidance, and it's going to stay that way. Long tries to start a "Down with the Brown" chant, but only a handful are actually doing it.

Hunter wants a word with everyone. The top contenders match is next. They know what to do, so go do it.

Bischoff has arrived at the Arkey Blue's Silver Dollar. Will he find Austin?


HHHater Clock: Four segments, 7:55, and likely one more segment to go.

This match didn't do anything to further Brown's gimmick, and even though Teddy Long's pretty good on the stick, D'Lo has less heat now than he did three weeks ago. Hopefully D'Lo can start putting on good enough matches to help himself out.

Is Austin going to be at that bar? If he is, will it be the main event instead of our match?

Segment 10

We are moments away from seeing who gets a title shot at No Way Out, but first, let's go to Arkey Blue's, as Bisch is drinking a cold one and asking for Austin. The bartender doesn't know where he is. A pool player laughs at Bischoff and tells him he'll be fired in a week. Bischoff: "Beer's on me." And he gives a beer to the head. Bischoff yells "Screw Austin" as he storms off...and methinks that's a bad move.

Randy Orton and Batista are in the parking lot, and they find Goldust. "Hey loser, have you seen Scott Steiner?" Goldust stands up to them, but he's going to get a beatdown that goes into the arena. Into an open fuse box, Goldust's hand is caught in it, and the sparks go flying. Well, it certainly made a good visual. Here comes the stretcher.


They more or less just made it official that Austin isn't coming back to Raw unless it's specifically to piss Bischoff off, and realistically, anybody who knows Austin's history doesn't think it makes sense for Austin to work for Bischoff anyway. Not like it matters, because the Bischoff countdown is set to go off right at 9 p.m. next week, so Austin could show up next week and there'd be no Bischoff anyway.

I'm sure they had a gimmicked fuse box (wouldn't a real one being open like that get the show shut down?), but it made for a very cool visual and helps to get Hunter's group over as heels...and without Hunter even being on screen at the time. I like that last part.

Segment 11

During the break, EMTs took Goldust out on a stretcher. That's two "terrible accidents" in three shows.

One fall for a World Heavyweight Title shot at No Way Out: Y2J+3 vs. Big Poppa Steroid Pump

Quick shot of Hunter in his skybox because Heaven forbid we forget he's here tonight. Steiner throws Jericho down to start. Steiner goes for a slam, but Jericho rolls him up for 2. Jericho poses. Heh. Steiner starts punching Jericho, who counters with a thumb to the eye. Steiner comes back with chops. And punches, don't forget the punches. Impressive press slam, but Steiner's already breathing heavy. Whip and a clothesline. Weak elbowdrop and pushups instead of a cover. Steiner sets up a belly-to-belly, but Jericho grabs Earl Hebner to prevent himself from going over and starts working on Steiner's back. Out to the floor, and Steiner is sent into the ringsteps. Back in the ring, and Jericho pulls on both arms while putting the knee to the back. Steiner breaks out of it with knees...but blows a fucking powerslam. Sack this guy now! High backdrop. THERE's that belly-to-belly. Power bomb, Jericho avoids it, takedown into the Walls of Jericho, but Steiner spins out of it before it can be fully applied. Power bomb for a very near fall. Corner whip, Jericho with a big boot, then a cradle with the ropes for leverage for 2. This time he does lock in the Walls of Jericho. Steiner is able to reach the ropes. Jericho continues to focus on the back. He drops Steiner's throat on the top rope, then climbs to the top, but Steiner crotches him and takes him down with almost an Angle Slam for the pin at 7:05. 1/2* for the match, but **** for Jericho, since he was working his ass off. Steiner points at Hunter, and Flair says "Not a chance."

Morley is in the back and on his cell, and he tells Bischoff what happened with Goldust before that damn Alltel connection goes down again. In walks Mr. McAsshole, and from the looks of things, Eric and Morley aren't having a good week. And time is the most precious commodity. So if he's not impressed next week, they'll both be called to the ring and they'll be fired. Um...we already established that. We needed to drive the nail into the coffin?


Final HHHater Clock: Five segments (out of 11), for only 8:19. Sometimes time isn't the most important thing, but how that time is spread out, and this felt more like the HHH Show than it has in weeks.

Sometimes I don't know why they even bother pretending somebody with some talent has any shot in hell. Steiner botched at least two spots that I saw, was breathing very heavy barely two minutes into the match, and now he's once again going to get a "World Title" match at a pay-per-view. Consider my buy lost right now, because I saw it once already and didn't like it at all. And with Hunter being the walking wounded, it might actually be worse the second time. And while I appreciate them actually going with a clean finish, why wasn't there a postmatch beating for Steiner? Batista and Orton weren't thrown out of the building, yet they were told to do something, and I don't think it was supposed to be "electocute Dustin Runnels".

Overall, a very bad first hour, with the second hour only being tolerable because there was actually wrestling in it someplace. I wish I could say there was some decent angle development, but really, there wasn't. They didn't further anything except that Bischoff can't sign Austin (which nobody expects before No Way Out anyway) and Hunter's group is evil. Hardy looks like a chump in his apparent heel turn, the Dudleys once again get a screwjob "match", the only over full-time team on Raw is disbanded...what good came out of this show? Somehow they got 24:52 of wrestling on here, but the only match coming close to good featured a tag team that doesn't exist anymore.

Things are not looking good for the future of this program, especially with WrestleMania on the way.

As always, feedback here


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