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Wrestling > TNA

Raw from JHawk's Beak (5/19/2003)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on May 19, 2003, 21:37

Raw from JHawk's Beak (5/19/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

It's been a long week (especially for those of you who actually paid for Judgment Day, from what I hear), so let's just get right to it.

E-Mail of the Week: Gosunkugi sent me this gem:

They have officially proven that they can fuck ANYTHING up. The final proof? They somehow managed to ruin Ric Flair winning a match by putting him cleanly over somone half his age and then reminding us all that he's Helmsley's bitch. If Coachman or Ross try to put over Hurricane and say that he's on a roll or whatever I'm going to puke.

That was basically my point. Some push for Gregory Helms, huh? Either pull the trigger and get him some real wins,'s over, so there shouldn't be an "or"! I never thought I'd see the day that a win for Ric Flair would tick me off, but there you go.

Forums Quote of the Week: Winners: The people who didn't watch it.

Losers: The people who did watch it.

-NoSelfWorth on Judgment Day

Things that make you go "Hmmm..." (tm Arsenio Hall): In the United States, today marks the beginning of the "Click It or Ticket" campaign. For those of you from other countries who are unfamiliar with the basic concept, it goes like this: Most states have laws that if the police pull you over and you don't have your seatbelt on, you can be given a seatbelt ticket. The key is that you can only get the ticket if you were pulled over for something else first. Well, for the next three weeks under this "Click It or Ticket" thing, the police can now pull you over if they think you're not wearing your seatbelt, and they have to give you the ticket if you're not wearing it. No exceptions, no excuses. Not even a note from Epstein's mother.

So let me get this straight. Motorcycle riders aren't obligated to wear a helmet. Public transportation doesn't require seatbelts to even be installed, much less fastened, and half the time sitting down isn't even required if the bus or train is full. But yet in my personal can regulate whether or not I can or can't wear my seatbelt? The last time I heard of something so stupid even being thought of was when California banned smoking from bars (and sadly, they passed that one too).

And before I get the "seatbelts save lives" e-mail, I had a friend who was in a bad car accident about a year and a half ago. She had her seatbelt on. It broke, and she was thrown through the windshield anyway. And on top of that, the doctors told her that had the seatbelt done its job and kept her in the car, she wouldn't have survived the crash. So don't tell me I'm overreacting to this, because I have a personal stake in it.

This is another case of the government interjecting itself where it doesn't belong when they should be focusing on more important things than what I do in my car. Things like making jobs available so people can buy fancy things like food.

That being said, if this little experiment does save some lives, then it's a good thing. That doesn't mean I agree with the program though.

TSM Mat Madness results: Thanks to everybody on the TSM Forums who voted in the various rounds of my TSM Mat Madness tournament. Your winner: Chris Benoit, who defeated Eddy Guerrero by a tally of 13-8 in the championship round. Benoit is now officially retired from future TSM Mat Madness tourneys, the next of which starting in September.

Tonight: Judgment Day fallout aplenty, and with any luck, maybe we'll see some wrestling as we build to a Raw-only PPV. ::shudders:: I can picture the lineup in my head already, and I am not amused.

Segment 1

We are LIVE from the Bi-Lo Center in Greenville, South Carolina! The site of Ric Flair's triumphant 1998 return to WCW!

And we begin with co-GM Cold Stones Steve Austin making his way to the ring following his binge drinking contest with Eric Bischoff at Judgment Day! And Austin's got the stick...get your mind out of the gutter! One of the things he wants to talk about is Judgment Day. He drank, ate, and "saw some damn good matches". That's not what I was told. And Bisch was in the skybox with him, making an ass of himself as usual. Let's get action footage of Bischoff puking. In slow motion? I DON'T CARE! Anyway, you won't see much of him since he has a hangover, but since Austin's the "hardest working redneck in the business", Austin presents Bad Blood in June. "Trust in me and I will never let you down." Remember that when Bad Blood bombs. Or when Austin walks out again. And speaking of remembering, remember last week when Goldberg nearly got run over? Austin says he'll find out who the driver is tonight. And when he does, that man will face Goldberg here in Greenville. And speaking of matches, let's introduce Hungry Hungry Hippos (World Heavyweight Champion w/The Man WHOO!). Hear that sound? That was the sound of three million TVs flipping to the finale of Mr. Personality all at once. Austin stops the music before the water spitting because "I ain't got time to watch you spray that stupid ass water all over the crowd." He calls Hunter into the ring, and HHH makes him wait. Austin's trying to maintain his composure. Hunter takes off the shades at Austin's request. Last night, Hunter got his ass whipped by Kevin Nash. "You should not have that World Heavyweight Championship on your shoulder." We've been saying that since September. Hunter was disqualified for hitting Earl Hebner with a sledgehammer. Is he proud of that? Well, Austin is going to make him wrestle tonight. Hunter says people think Austin's just a drunk, but Hunter thinks he's drunk with power. But in case Austin missed it, yes, Nash kicked his ass, but he didn't win the title. "That means that around here, I've got some stroke too." He's tired, beat up, and not in the mood for Austin's crap, so he's not gonna wrestle. So there! :-P Austin says he will wrestle, "but since you see the sympathy on my face," Hunter can pick his own opponent long as that opponent is a former World Champion. That leaves Kane, Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho, or Kevin Nash. (What about Flair?) Hunter makes sure he has the stips right. Then he stutters. And suddenly he agrees to it. He'll wrestle the greatest former World Champion of all-time...Ric Flair. Flair seems confused, but Hunter assures him it's OK. "That's the bottom line, because The Game said so." JR claims it will be a title match.


HHHater Clock: One segment, 8:27. And this could be interesting if they do it right. If Hunter comes in thinking he'll have an easy time of it, but Flair decides that he'd rather win the title than be Hunter's friend, then you've got one potentially good story coming out of that match. If they do the finger poke of doom rehash or some stupid damn thing, then this is a waste of valuable TV time. I know how I'd book it, but even in the Carolinas I don't think we're seeing a title change.

Segment 2

Good Ol' JR and The Pharaoh ask us to vote at to find out who you think ran over Goldberg...because they haven't actually figured that out themselves yet.

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: The Reinstated (again) Damn Dudley Boyz vs. Three Minute Warning (w/Rico)

The action starts before 3MW can get an intro. A standing dropkick by Bubba? Wow! Rosey gets an odd-looking corkscrew legdrop in. Splash, no cover, tag to Jamal. Running kneedrop to D-Von for 2. Weak punches by D-Von, but 3MW regain control. Forearms by Jamal, D-Von fighting back, but Jamal stopping him. D-Von lifts the knees on a Vader Bomb attempt. Tag to Rosey, HOT TAG to Bubba Ray. Flying bodypress for 2...where did Bubba learn that? Neckbreaker for 2. Flip flop and fly to Jamal, but Jamal blocks the elbow. Clothesline by Rosey for 2. Rosey telegraphs an elbow, kick by Bubba, double Dudley suplex. Wuzzup Headbutt, and there's the call for the tables. Jamal baseball slides the table into D-Von. Jamal works Bubba over in the corner. Bubba avoids a charging Rosey, but he can't avoid Jamal's Samoan drop. Cover, but Rosey's legal. Rico slides the chair into the ring. Jamal puts D-Von on top of it, Samoan Splash, but D-Von moves and Jamal crashes through the table. Rosey walks into the 3D, and Bubba covers for the pin at 6:09. That was rather long for the same thing we've been watching for four months, and the quality is not improving. DUD Rico's got the mic, and he can't take anymore. He has had enough of this, and "I am leaving you!" Did he just dump his boyfriends or something?


Well, they have the right idea about letting some of the matches get some time. Now they just have to give some of the right matches the same amount of time. The only difference between this and every other Dudleys-3MW match was Rico leaving 3MW, and I can't figure out if this is supposed to set up a face turn or somebody or what the point actually is. Hopefully it means a singles push for Rico where he's actually allowed to do some of the stuff that helped him practically carry OVW on his back.

Segment 3

Live from Greenville.

Backstage, Austin wants Easy E to wake up. "You can't die, we have a show to do." Bisch can't do Austin's redneck diet. So he needs hair of the dog. Bisch pukes at the smell of Austin's beer. Can Scott Hall sue for gimmick infringement? Austin leaves, and Big Lazy Cool is pissed about Hunter's match. Austin saw the beating he gave Hunter, so don't get worried. As far as Austin's concerned, Nash is the number one contender and gets the winner of Hunter vs. Flair.

Backstage, Flair is proud to be Hunter's opponent. The best vs. the best. But he's missing the point. See, Hunter was lucky to walk out with the title last night, so he chose Flair because he wants to stick it to Austin. He wants Flair to lay down, and that draws out the boobirds. "You just lay there. I'll do the rest." That sounds like a date I had a couple of years ago...





Still to come, Goldberg vs. some guy.


HHHater Clock: Two segments, 9:50. Half of the scenario is complete. Hunter wants Flair to lay down, but since they're in Ric Flair country, I hope to hell that doesn't happen. Just what that title needs, what little credibility it might have to be thrown away by the egomaniac. The downside is that no matter what happens in that match, we've still got Kevin Nash in the main event.

Segment 4

Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel!

They're slowly but surely giving Y2J+3 a set for this segment. The plasma TV screen cost more than most of these fans' homes. Jericho wants to talk about how Christian turned on him during the course of the Intercontinental Title battle royal last night. And ChrisTIAN is Jericho's guest tonight. Oh dear God, he cut his hair to look like Test! He's got his haircut, his new clothes...he's a changed man. But that doesn't change the fact that Christian betrayed Jericho. And the first thing that comes to his mind...he'd have done the exact same thing. Jericho's right. He's a new man with a new look, and he couldn't have done it without his fans. Forget about Clay and Ruben, "because I am the real American Idol." Jericho: "And the best thing about it is you're not even American!" Let's look at the tape though, because Booker T clearly eliminated Christian with a referee down (a ref bump in a fricking battle royal?). Christian says Booker's got a big future ahead of him, but he's not championship material. He doesn't have the clothes, the haircut, or the brain. (Booker T's the Scarecrow?) And this brings out...Rob...............Van..............Dam. Wouldn't Booker T make more sense? OK, they did the promo last week, but RVD wasn't the one who got eliminated illegally. RVD sees what Christian's trying to do, "but man, your catchphrase is weak." He says Christian sucks (in a poem), which starts a "You suck" chant. RVD: "That totally works for you!" These people respect a fighting champion, so why not defend the IC Title tonight against Rob....Van....Dam. First, Christian says no, and secondly, here's the double team by Jericho and Christian. Out comes Kane to make the save, which means we're getting a tag match somewhere down the line. But WAIT! Austin is in the interview area, and he can appreciate Christian doing what he had to win the title, and apparently that Tag Team Title Match happens as soon as the ring is cleared out.


A pretty good segment overall, and it does what a segment like that needs to do...set up a match. It does something to build to the in-ring product. And in this age of bikini contests being more important to a wrestling show than a cruiserweight title match, it's a shock to see such simple booking.

Segment 5

For the World Tag Team Championship: ChrisTIAN (Intercontinental Champion) and Y2J+3 vs. Rob...........Van..............Dam and Kane (champions)

RVD and Christian are already battling when we return from break. RVD with a stepover heel kick and a standing moonsault for 2. Jericho makes a comeback and chokes RVD in the corner. RVD fakes a cross body, then hits a split-legged moonsault for 2. Tag to Christian, who eats a spinning leg lariat. Tag to Kane. Kane stomps away at Christian in the turnbuckle. Tilt-a-whirl slam for 2, and Kane gets off Christian when he sees Jericho running in. Christian to the floor, and Kane dumps Jericho over the top rope and onto his partner. RVD over the top with a plancha as an RVD chant starts. Jericho is rolled back in, and he walks into a Kane side slam. RVD tags in. Corkscrew legdrop, rolling thunder, 2 count. RVD goes for the monkey flip, but Christian holds Jericho to prevent him from going over. Christian tags in and stomps aways at RVD, then chokes him with his "$300 shirt". Snap mare into a reverse chinlock. RVD actually does something to work out of it, but he gets taken down with an inverted backbreaker for 2. Jericho tags in and stomps away. Choke against the ropes. Squisher (tm Kevin Nash). One foot cover for 2. Clothesline, tag to Christian. Forearm smashes, powerslam for a near fall. Chokehold. Tag to Jericho. Snap mare into a chinlock. This crowd is quiet, but this is some decent stuff so far. RVD elbows out of it, but Jericho with a spinning heel kick. RVD counters the Walls of Jericho into an inside cradle for 2, and Christian quickly tags in. Corner whip, RVD flips over a charging Jericho, tackles Christian, and makes the HOT TAG. Kane works over both challengers. Double choke slam by Kane, but Christian avoids an elbowdrop. Christian walks into a chokehold, Jericho saves him momentarily, but a side slam gets...2...I guess. Kane to the top rope...flying clothesline, and Jericho barely makes the save. Jericho dumped to the floor. Choke Slam, Five, Jericho knocks RVD into the barricade. Tilt-a-whirl slam to Jericho. Choke Slam, but Jericho grabs Nick Patrick so Christian can get a kick to the groin. Lionsault, but not a three count. In comes the chairs, Jericho knocks Patrick down as he tries to stop the Con-Chair-to, and that's the DQ at 10:26. Out comes Booker T in street clothes to go after Christian. Christian tries to leave, but RVD throws him back in, and Booker nails a leg lariat. SPINNAROONIE! SPINNAROONIE, TONY! Actually some pretty good stuff here considering the restholds and Kane. *1/2

Your hosts remind you to vote for who ran over Goldberg. Lawler claims it's Booker T.

Flair is backstage when the Holy Bible Kid comes in. HBK tells Flair not to go out there and lay down for Triple H. Fifteen years ago, he told the world that he was the measuring stick, so HBK spent every day of the next 15 years trying to reach that level. But you're only as good as your last match. HBK still believes he's Ric Flair, but does Ric Flair still believe that? The crowd believes that.


A very solid 10 minute match despite the dormant crowd, and if they give me something like that every week they could salvage this show yet. OK, so it lacks the psychology of working a body part or something, but it was certainly entertaining. But sadly, the most important part of the segment isn't the match, but Shawn's speech to Flair. Again, this is building to the in-ring product, which makes this good. Even better is the motivational talk -- the fact that Flair shouldn't lay down because it hurts Flair's legacy. The fact that the fans actually remember the matches and who wins and loses and why it should matter (and if you missed Nik Johnson's column about it, click here. If only they don't blow it in the match.

Segment 6

Thank you for joining us for Judgment Day. Thank you thank you thank you!

It's time for Rodney Mack and Peanuthead. They're in the ring, and all Mack sees is a bunch of white bigots. Since they started the White Boy Challenge, the competition has been inexperienced. He's taken on two white boys, but they couldn't withstand the thuggin' and buggin', so this is a challenge to an established white boy.

Five Minute White Boy Challenge: Rodney Mack (w/Peanuthead) vs. L'il Spike Dudley

Spike's still employed? Mack simply tosses Spike to the mat a few times to start. Series of forearms, but Spike takes him down with a spinning headscissors. Mack quickly regains control, and he starts hammering away at Spike and pulls at his face. Choke against the ropes. Fireman's carry as Long asks JR about his black nanny. Spike tries to fight back, but a hiptoss/suplex combo gets 2. Into a reverse chinlock, which is a stupid move with a five minute time limit. Mack misses a tackle and tumbles to the floor. Spike flies off the top with a plancha! Flying cross body, Spike is caught, but he turns it into a rolling cradle for 2. And a roll up for 2. Botched faceslam. 1:30 left. Battering ram. Inside cradle for 2. Dudley Dawg is countered into a running powerslam. 1:00. Spike holding the bottom rope for dear life to run down the clock. Into the cobra clutch (dubbed the Black Out). Spike holding on. 30 seconds left. Spike trying to reach the rope. 20 seconds. 15 seconds. Ten. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, tapout at 4:59. Oh come on! Good before the ending (minus the missed spot), but couldn't Spike have passed out instead? *1/2


I already said what my biggest problem with it is. Why not have Spike pass out and get pinned rather than tap out that close to the time limit? OK, Spike held on for about 50 seconds, but why tap out that close to the time expiring? It doesn't make any sense to me! Still, Mack getting wins just under the gun is a good idea to help get this concept over, but they need to be careful not to overdo it or it will become overly predictable.

Segment 7

Your hosts tell us that Trish isn't with us after the beating she took at Judgment Day. Now let's talk about our main event since Triple H has only been in about 15% of the show thus far.

Backstage, Austin yells at Bisch through a megaphone just to add insult to injury. And he bangs on a trash can lid because that's certain to make him feel better. Austin decides to talk quieter. How do you really kill a hangover? Female entertainment! He calls in the girls: The Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young. Bischoff wants them out of his office pronto!


OK, mildly entertaining I suppose, but this, in contrast to previous non-wrestling sequences, doesn't build to the in-ring product and thus could be left off the show with no ill effects. And how exactly has Austin been investigating this Goldberg thing so far?

Segment 8

Flair is fighting back tears while looking into the mirror. And he's stylin'! And profilin'! WHOO!

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: La Resistance (w/cute little berets) vs. Test (w/My Future Wife) and Big Poppa Steroid Pump

Right after this match, we'll tell you how over 250,000 of you voted in the "Who ran into Goldberg" poll. This past Saturday, Scott Steiner was at MSG during the on-sale. Stacy! See-through top! Black bra! WHOO HOO! Test and Steiner get into a shoving match over who's going to start, so the heels make the decision for them by attacking from behind. Sylvan Grenier works Test over in the ring. Test makes a comeback, but in comes Rene Dupree from behind. Dupree in officially now, and he simply uses some forearms and elbows before tagging Grenier back in. Test gains the advantage, but Grenier avoids the Pumphandle Slam, shoves Test into Steiner, and rolls him up for the pin at 2:05. God, that sucked! DUD Test and Steiner argue, they shove, and Stacy steps in between them. Test tries to pull Stacy out of the ring, but Steiner pulls her away, and now Stacy is playing Hottie in the Middle. So Stacy leaves without either of them.

Backstage, Austin enters the interrogation room... According to the poll, The Rock did the deed.


So the entire point of the Steiner-Test feud is who's getting Stacy Keibler? Stacy, if you're reading this, e-mail me and the hell with both of them! (Get real.) Awww, you're no fun. Anyway, the match sucked, it shouldn't have taken eight segments to start building to this "Who ran over Goldberg" garbage, and that's two straight segments of total filler.

Segment 9

Austin is yelling at somebody for pleading the Fifth. He knows more than you think, Mr. Lance Storm. Was that Storm's rental car last week? Storm says nothing. He's got ways of making him talk. Storm admits to it, saying the accelerator was stuck and "in Canada we drive on the other side of the road." Austin calls him on that, and Storm says "It wasn't my idea!" Austin tells Storm forget whose idea it was, just get to the ring and face Goldberg. Oh boy, one of the best wrestlers in the company gets fed to Goldberg!

Hunter's getting his ribs taped, and he starts reading Freddie Blassie's book. Flair wants to talk. Six months ago, Hunter asked "Whatever happened to Ric Flair?" Flair didn't know, but Hunter said he wanted to see him earn the respect of the fans like he did once again. And tonight, sure Hunter's got a tough match, but Flair had a thousand matches like that and never said he couldn't wrestle! (Take THAT you egotistical son of a...) He's not laying down for anybody anywhere, especially in Greenville, South Carolina!


Lance Storm? That was rather anti-climactic, wasn't it?

HHHater Clock: Three segments, 11:49. And if Flair's truly not taking a dive, then this has been a great angle. If Flair IS taking the dive, and I won't be convinced he isn't until the match gets going, then that will literally screw up the entire show, as the build up for this has been fantastic.

Segment 10

One fall: Goldberg vs. Lance Storm

Goldberg charges Storm with knees to the ribs before the bell. Powerslam. Pumphandle suplex! Spear, Jackhammer, pinfall at 1:11, thank you for playing. DUD Goldberg's got a chokehold and a mic, and he wants to know who put him up to it. Storm squeals on Jericho.

Up next, the World Heavyweight Championship is on the line.


*sigh* The only thing this does is set the wheels in motion for the Goldberg-Jericho match that we should have gotten in 1998. I don't get why we have to bury the talented guys to get the lesser talent over, but it's been that way since the dawn of time (or at least the dawn of TV squashes), so I shouldn't be surprised.

For the love of God, if you're going to put the World Title on people who probably don't deserve it, at least let Ric Flair have it for the crowd pop.

Segment 11

During the break, Coach ran after Chris Jericho and told him that Storm spilled the beans. And he admits to it! But next week, Jericho will do it the Highlight Reel!

One fall for the World Heavyweight Championship: The Man WHOO! vs. Hungry Hungry Hippos (champion)

I'm either going to mark out like hell or be really pissed off within the next 10 minutes or so. Next week, we're in Mobile, Alabama for Raw, and I think JR's going to have an orgasm if Flair wins the title tonight. Hunter comes out to dead silence, by the way. Don't ask me why, but I've got the big match feel for this one. Flair offers a handshake...then pulls it back to a pop. Lockup. Into a corner, clean break. Thumb to the eye by Flair. Chops galore (WHOO!). Whip, reversal, elbowsmash. Suplex attempt, but he can't get him over thanks to the ribs. Whip, reversal, Hunter goes over the top rope. Flair outside into Horsemen territory, and Flair suplexes Hunter on the floor. More chops. Back into the ring. Delayed vertical suplex for 2 (and Hunter makes nearly no effort to kick out...building the injury. I like it.). More chops from Flair, but Hunter catches him with a spinebuster. Hunter punches away at the corner, and now some stomps. Chokehold. Flair coming back with chops. Trading blows in midring. Whip, Flair Flip (it works!) and Flair off the top (which also works!). Flair punching away. Hunter down thanks to a chop! And down to the knee! Come on, Ric, get him! Figure-Four Leglock! Tap dammit! TAP! Hunter makes it to the ropes, and the crowd boos! Hunter with shots to the knee and chops. Hunter with a right hand to knock Flair down. Flair back with more chops. Headlock, throw off, Hunter into the Sleeper. Flair backs Hunter into Nick Patrick. Hunter with a facebuster, and he goes for the belt. Flair ducks the belt shot. Thumb to the eye, low blow (WHOO!), and Flair with a belt shot! Wake up Patrick! ONE! TWO! THR.......DAMMIT! Flair strutting...come on....come on. Figure-four, Hunter kicks him into the turnbuckle, goes for the Pedigree, Flair with a backdrop. Flair goes for his own Pedigree, Hunter with a backdrop, Pedigree...DAMMIT TO HELL! Pin at 7:29 (**1/2), and out comes Kevin Nash. Hunter immediately runs and falls down at the top of the ramp. Out comes Austin to make HHH-Nash II official for Bad a Hell in a Cell match. Christ, ruin THAT legacy while you're at it!


Well, they must have done something right, because I was completely into that match for a while there. All I wanted was one markout moment before I move over to SmackDown! full-time, and they couldn't give me that. Dammit.

Final HHHater Clock: Four segments, 23:08 (7:29 wrestling time). Overall wrestling time: 32:19. More wrestling than Hunter? Hell yeah!

Overall, an above average show for certain, at least by Raw standards. A couple of decent matches, a great angle with Flair and Hunter, and meaningless stuff kept to a minimum. Too bad nobody gets that nobody wants to see HHH-Nash II.

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