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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (New Year's Day 2004)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Jan 1, 2004, 22:34
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (1/1/2004)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
E-Mail of the Week: Jakefabe makes it two in a row (by default mostly, as it was a slow week), and he still thinks WWE is out to make him look foolish.
J-hawk,
Another short one. This show didn't bother me. It was for the troops. Throw all the storylines out the window. It reminded me of the Owen Hart Tribute RAW. I had no problem with it. The Rikishi/Ryhno match was a good time for me to use the bathroom. Finally getting to see a Eddie Guerrero/ Benoit match I thought the WWE was trying to make up with me, then as if to say NOPE, WE STILL FUCKING HATE YOU!, they put the Santa's Little Helper segment on RIGHT when my girlfriend sits down in the living room. Torie's perfect ass in that little g-string was enough for the Girlfriend to look at me with that look that she uses when I pick up her Victoria Secret's catalog. "What are you watching?" she asks, "This is what you got my 8 year old son watching?" I can't understand it. Why does Vince McMahon hate me so much. I have been a fan of the WWE since the 80's. I remember as a kid watching the WWE (then WWF) on Sunday afternoon. JYD, Hillbilly Jim, Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior, all part of my childhood. Bret, Shawn, and The Undertaker, visited me through Highschool and Junior high. Stone Cold, The Rock, Mankind, The Ministry, and DX helped me through college. I have been loyal. Why does he hate me?......WHY VINCE, WHY?
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I don't think it's Vince McMahon who hates you when your girlfriend walks in during that exact segment. I think that's God getting a good laugh at your expense. Lucky for me my significant other doesn't care enough about WWE (or the sport in general) to even sit down in a room where wrestling might be on TV, so I don't have to worry about it.
Forums Quote of the Week: A thread about pet peeves led to blockofpisswithcheese spouting off about what he hates in the bedroom.
I hate when hookers charge you extra just because you want to shove their face in the toliet. I mean, what is this world coming to?
I know what he means. I mean, why won't women cuddle after sex anymore? All they want to do is take the money and walk right out of the car.
Bonus points to those of you who know where that reference comes from.
Programming Notes: I've got to plug two articles from this past week. As always, The Dames' Raw Diatribe is well worth reading, including his fantastic job of covering the excellent Triple H-Shawn Michaels match. Why is it that Triple H has had exactly two good matches since returning from the quadricep tear, and they're both against Shawn Michaels? Hmm...
And of course, you have to love Brandon Truitt's shoot interview reviews, and this week it was Vince Russo in the hotseat.
As for me, things are finally getting back to normal at my meaningless retail job, so I should be back into hitting not only Today in Wrestling History columns, but I should also be back into reviewing Ring of Honor tapes. Plus, expect a book review up this weekend that I've put off for around three months (and since I got an autographed copy for free, I'd better get the review up, huh?).
Tonight: You'd think it would wait until the Royal Rumble, but we get it tonight instead: Tajiri defends the Cruiserweight Championship against Rey Misterio Jr. Plus, other matches will take place as we continue the build to the Royal Rumble. It's the first SmackDown of 2004 (or the last of 2003 if you attended the taping), so let's get going, shall we?
Segment 1
Two weeks ago, it was Hardcore Holly winning a tag team match to earn his shot at Brock Lesnar's WWE Championship!
Taped 12/30/2003 from Laredo, Texas! Michael Coleslaw and Tazz are your hosts as we announce Hardcore Holly's title shot will be at the Royal Rumble!
One fall for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Rey Misterio Jr. vs. Tajiri Yoshihiro (champion--w/Akio and Sakoda)
Mysterio earned this shot two weeks ago by defeating Jamie Noble. Of course, Tajiri defeated Mysterio for the title in September after using the red mist. Lockup into a chain wrestling sequence. Single-leg takedown by Rey for 1. Tajiri with a drop toehold as he attempts to ground the high-flying Mysterio. Rey gets a Victory roll for 2. Another chain wrestling sequence. Snap mare by Rey, but he runs into a double forearm. Corner whip by Tajiri. Elbow to the head. Reversal sequence into a springboard armdrag by Rey, and then he sends Tajiri out of the ring...and it's a slingshot somersault sitdown splash to the floor!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A surprising (but quite good) sequence of mat wrestling early on, and now it looks to be time to pick up the pace. I'm liking it so far.
Segment 2
Tajiri backdrops Rey onto the apron, but Rey comes back in and sets Tajiri up for the 619...but Sakoda grabs Rey and pulls him to the floor as Akio has the referee distracted. Rey is thrown back in, and Tajiri covers for 2. Tajiri begins to work Rey over with kicks. Kneebreaker for 2. Kicks to the back and leg. Rey with a sunset flip for 2, but Tajiri begins kicking away. Rey to the floor. Tajiri follows and continues to work over Rey's left leg. Back in, and Tajiri stomps the leg. Into the Tree of Woe, and a dropkick to the knee for 2. Rey begins to punch back, and he avoids a splash in the corner. Tajiri goes for the tarantula, but Rey counters into a dropkick to the face. Both men up top...Rey with a top-rope rana for 2. Rey with the advantage, but Tajiri stops it with a kick. Rey counters a wheelbarrow suplex into a bulldog for 2. Armdrag into a crucifix for 2. Nice! Tajiri tries to dump Rey over the top, and Rey tries to come back in with the springboard seated senton, but Tajiri turns it into a half crab. Rey eventually reaches the ropes for a break. Rey with an enzuigiri, and Tajiri falls face first into the corner. Rey tries to climb but can't with the hurt knee. Both men up top, and Rey knocks Tajiri into Brian Hebner. Akio knocks Rey off the turnbuckle. Running power bomb by Tajiri, and a groggy Hebner only counts to 2. Rey ducks the Buzzsaw Kick and gets a double leg cradle for 2. A rana into the ropes, a limping 619, but Tajiri avoids a West Coast Pop and hits a superkick. Sakoda holds Rey for Tajiri's red mist, but Rey avoids it. Rey ducks a Tajiri kick, and one West Coast Pop later, we have a new champion at 13:54. What a way to kick off 2004! ***3/4
Michael Cole interviews Rey. Rey's New Year's Resolution was to become Cruiserweight Champion. That was quick. He loves performing for his fans everywhere, including Texas (cheap pop). Happy New Year to everyone! But hold up, as The Too Damned Big Show apparently wants to relive Backlash 2003. He congratulates Rey, but he has business to discuss. He has a new T-shirt: "Chicks dig it big." One of them there innuendos. It's a large shirt, because some of the people aren't in great shape like Big Show. Rey keeps trying to interrupt, and finally rips the shirt out of his hands. Show offers to sell him one and asks for that one back. Rey teases tossing it into the crowd and generally plays Keep Away. Show threatens violence if Rey throws the shirt into the crowd...and Rey doesn't take orders very well, does he? Show charges, Rey tries to fight, but if you think Vince McMahon would allow a cruiserweight to look good against a giant, then you haven't been watching very long. Show goes for the Choke Slam, but Softcore Holly hits the Best Dropkick in the Business for the save, and Rey gets the 619 for good measure.
We get more holiday greetings from the troops since we didn't get them all in last week.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I'd call it "Match of the Year" so far had it not been taped in 2003. An excellent match, made even better by it not being the typical match between these twos. They played off previous matches (Rey being ready for the mist), plus the use of the leg work that unfortunately didn't play into the finish that much. We need more matches like that over the course of things. I don't get why we need to stick the Big Show into this for seemingly no reason, but at least that portion of the segment didn't bore me. One quarter of the way through the show, and we're kicking ass so far!
Segment 3
Moments ago, The Big Show was a big meanie and dissed Rey Misterio Jr.
Backstage, Show is all angry and stuff, so he starts throwing wooden pallets around. He breaks a monitor, which brings in Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman to try to calm things down. He offers Show a match against Hardcore Holly. Show breaks another monitor in response. Is that a no?
One fall: Bradshaw vs. The Man Beast Rhyno
These two men have split their previous two matches, the last of which was three weeks ago. Bradshaw begins to take control with knees and forearms early. Shoulderblock and an elbowdrop for 2. Later tonight, a huge surprise. Bradshaw misses a Clothesline from Hell, and Rhyno gets a DDT in for 2. Forearms. Elbows. Kick to the midsection. Suplex for 2. Bradshaw comes fighting back, and he catches Rhyno and takes him down with Last Call. Elbowsmash. Rhyno with a thumb to the eye. A miss in the corner, Clothesline from Hell, Bradshaw wins the match (and the series 2-1) in 2:26. Ho hum. DUD
Eddy Guerrero is on the cover of Lowrider Magazine, and he and Chavito Guerrero attended a Lowrider parade earlier today. They meet The World's Greatest Tag Team later on.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
The saddest thing about that segment? Big Show throwing things was more entertaining than that match. Thank God that feud's apparently over.
Segment 4
Puddle of Mudd's "Nothing Left to Lose" is the official theme song for the Royal Rumble.
We are from the Entertainment Center in Laredo, Texas.
Last week, it was Christmas from Baghdad. We had a great time doing voiceovers from Stamford. Here's the video we showed last week.
Backstage, Paul Heyman comes clean by saying how great it was to perform for the troops...and he walks into John Cena. Cena asks Heyman where he was last week, then won't let Paul answer. He calls Heyman a coward, which Heyman disputes because he would fight for his country, the land of opportunity. And to show how he loves opportunity? See, Cena isn't in the Royal Rumble as of now, but if he wins his match tonight, he will be. John Cena and a partner of his choice against The FBI. And his partner will get the spot as well. But if they lose, they're not in the Rumble. Happy New Year!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I'll give you one guess as to who Cena's partner is going to be. I mean, it has to be somebody Heyman doesn't like...someone capable of taking the title from Brock Lesnar...and I doubt it's Kurt Angle...
I'm searching for Chris Benoit, if you hadn't figured it out.
Segment 5
3 on 2 Handicap Match scheduled for one fall with a Royal Rumble on the line: The Full Blooded Italians vs. John Cena and his partner
Cena cuts his freestyle, claiming he needs to beat the Three Stooges to enter the Royal Rumble. And he implies the FBI are gay. What does FBI mean? "Fuck Bullshit I'm about to kick your ass." Seriously. Cena's partner: Chris BenOIT, who got beat down by the FBI two weeks ago. Benoit does his own freestyle claiming he'll make the FBI tap.
There's the charge, and we have a five man brawl. Cena is quickly isolated, and Johnny Stamboli is officially the legal man. Cena goes for a quick FU, but in comes Chuck Palumbo to prevent it. Triple team in the heel corner, and Palumbo tags in. The FBI keep Cena in the corner, making tags quickly to keep a fresh man in. Palumbo with a back suplex, and Benoit makes the save. Crevatte as Benoit starts a "Cena" chant. Corner whip, but Cena fights out of the corner...only to get driven back in by Palumbo. Double team in the corner, and Benoit runs over for the save. Stamboli in with a stomp, then into a reverse chinlock. Cena elbows out of it and gets a small package for 2, but Stamboli quickly hits a clothesline for 2. Palumbo tags in and gets a big boot to force Benoit to make another save. Cena counters a slam to send Palumbo into the corner, then does a suplex/slam to Palumbo. Hot tag to Benoit, who works the entire FBI over. German suplexes for everybody. Cut throat gesture, top rope, Swan Dive Headbutt to Stamboli. Cover, and Nunzio makes the save. Stamboli and Palumbo with a double slam, Stamboli covers, Cena makes the save. Benoit locks Stamboli in a Sharpshooter, but there's the Whack by Palumbo. Stamboli covers for a long 2. Benoit locks the Crippler Crossface on Stamboli, and Cena FUs Palumbo to prevent the save. Stamboli taps at 6:54, and Benoit and Cena are officially in the Royal Rumble. **1/4
Up next, the return of Kurt Angle.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Not a great match by any means, but still entertaining. I can almost hear people flaming me for that one, but what the hell. My only real gripe with it is that the five count when an illegal man is in the ring is never actually enforced. Hey, I'm all for getting a clear winner and loser, but let's at least pretend to enforce some rules here. There were just too many men in the ring for too long at a time. But the main storyline for the Rumble--people Heyman doesn't want in it being in it and possibly getting the title shot--is in full swing. Benoit...must...win.
Segment 6
Show a line of troops. We get it already.
And My Olympic Hero makes his return to SmackDown! And after spending some time with his family, he's glad to be back. He felt a sense of pride last week, and that pride brought him here tonight to thank the troops. A letter would have sufficed, Kurt. Angle was there about three weeks ago, and it was the opportunity of a lifetime. There they were, ordinary people fighting for our freedom. He was proud to be an American. One young man in particular has been there for over a year, and his daughter was born six weeks after he went over. And all he wanted was to live long enough to see daughter one time. But every day he was there, he couldn't be with his family. Angle's actually tearing up as he tells the story. And when he finally gets the chance to see his daughter, he'll be a mere acquaintance to her. Angle has a daughter himself, and he can't imagine spending a year or longer away from her. But that's what our soldiers do, and sometimes Angle wishes he could be one of them. But he's not a soldier. He's a wrestler. So instead of kicking ass in Iraq, he can kick ass in the ring. He throws his name into the hat of Royal Rumble participants and vows to win it. But it's not for himself. It's for the soldiers. He thanks the soldiers one more time.
Up next, Hardcore Holly vs. The Big Show.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So we only have three names listed in the Royal Rumble, but it's three guys with enough perceived credibility to win it. And the more credible names that are in it, the better the match will be, as the thought that "anybody could win this thing" is what makes one Rumble special. Without that, it's just a glorified battle royal. Now if only we could go one or two segments without throwing the love of the troops down our throats. I love the troops too, but I don't need to advertise it every five minutes.
Segment 7
Non-Title Contest scheduled for one fall: The Too Damned Big Show (WWE United States Champion) vs. Softcore Holly
At least I understand why this one is a non-title match. Holly with right hands early, but Show throws him into the corner. More punches by Holly, but a clothesline knocks Holly down. Elbowdrop. Slap to the chest. Boot choke. Headbutt to the back of the neck. Bodyslam. Hoglog for 2. Holly kicks away but runs into a knee to the midsection. Elbow to the back of the head. Holly ducks a clothesline and tackles Show's knee. Holly pucnhes out of a choke slam attempt. Clothesline with the top rope, then a flying clothesline for a near fall. Holly runs into a side slam. Shoulderbreaker. Show yells "I wanna break his neck!" Full nelson! Billy Jack Haynes, eat your heart out! Out comes Rey Misterio Jr. with a chair, but Show sends him to the floor. Low blow by Holly, and that gives Show a DQ win at 4:59...so Holly figures "what the hell" and starts leveling Show with the chair (and shoving Brian Hebner down for good measure). 1/4*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
OK, this match was hardly a technical masterpiece (or even entertaining), but I did like the story behind it: Show focuses on Holly's injured neck. It's simple storytelling, and because some people are so afraid to reinjure themselves after a long layoff, it's a story that rarely gets told anymore. I even like that Holly got disqualified and started using the chair to show his badass side. Too bad this was boring as hell.
Segment 8
Billy Gunn returns at the Royal Rumble. *yawn* Wow, the crowd agrees. So much for having nothing but credible names in the Rumble this year.
Dawn Marie (and her ass) asks about the cover of SmackDown magazine, and in comes Chris Benoit to gloat about his spot in the Royal Rumble. "In fact, you're looking at the next WWE Champion." Heyman claims Benoit is just like the fans: "a working grunt for management like me". He always get stopped by injuries or fate, but this time management will stop him. He wants to be number one? Heyman will make him number one: As in the number one entry in the Royal Rumble. Benoit...must...win. Benoit understands...and nearly breaks Heyman hand while vowing to win the WWE Title.
Los Guerreros and the Velocity crew help Rey Misterio Jr. celebrate his title victory. Eddy says he wants in the Royal Rumble, and Chavo asks to talk to him...why enter the Rumble when the goal is the Tag Team Title? Focus!
A Smack Your TV commercial with Vince McMahon, just in case you missed Raw and haven't seen him on TV this week.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
The odds are once again stacked against Benoit, as he must outlast the entire field to win the Rumble. My only question about that: What if Raw wanted to give out the number one spot? Considering the WWE writing team, they probably hadn't thought that far ahead. But they're doing a good job building up Benoit: He's the common working man who works hard but can't quite seem to get to the top. That's usually the formula that gives the main event push. Benoit...must...win.
Segment 9
Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Los Guerreros vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team
No offense Eddy, but that's an ugly fucking car. Huge "Eddy" chant at the bell. Eddy and Shelton Benjamin start. Series of kicks by Eddy. Tag to Chavo and a double team. Back suplex. Stomp. Benjamin fights back. Charlie Haas tags in but eats Chavo's dropkick, which gets 2. Haas and Benjamin trap Chavo in the corner and begin double teaming. Blind tag, and Benjamin takes Chavo down with an Exploder suplex for 2. Double team backbreaker, and Haas covers for 2. Chavo lifts a boot on a charge but runs into a powerslam. Eddy with a cheap shot from behind. Eddy reaches for the tag, but Chavo decides not to and eats a clothesline for 2. Eddy yells "What are you doing" as the crowd chants for Eddy. Chavo fights back and sends Haas into the ropes, and they hit head to head. Benjamin distracts Nick Patrick, Eddy pulls Chavo toward the cover, and he forces the tag once Patrick turns around. And it's all Eddy as he takes on both opponents. Rolling vertical suplex to Haas. Eddy wants the frog splash, but Chavo tags himself in. Benjamin knees Eddy to the send him to the floor, and Chavo heads up top for the frog splash...but waits too long gets nothing but knees. A Benjamin superkick leads to Haas getting the pin for the heels at 5:50. **3/4 Postmatch, Chavo and Eddy argue. Chavo grabs the mic and says they lost the match tonight because of Eddy. Um...no? Chavo's sick of working just as hard as Eddy for none of the glory. Eddy tried to start a "Chavo" chant, which sorta works, and Chavo bitches about the Eddy chants, which start up again. "I'm sick of it, and I'm sick of you!" And there's a slap to Eddy's face. Literally. Eddy looks angry and decides to charge, but out comes Kurt Angle to keep them apart. Chavo heads to the back as Eddy begins to yell at Angle, who's saying "Come on, you're family."
When we return, we'll try to talk to Eddy.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Well, I don't know if we're officially doing the breakup tonight or if we're having this boil over another few weeks, although we'll find out before we go off the air. But it's a simple story, very similar to the Bret Hart-Owen Hart feud in 1994, and one that doesn't need a lot of explanation for everybody to get it. See? Sometimes simplicity is the best way to achieve your goals. By the way, the match wasn't as good as some of the previous matches between these two teams, but it was still quite good while it lasted.
Segment 10
Moments ago, Chavo got greedy and wanted the win himself, leading to Chavo getting pinned by Haas. Chavo then blamed Eddy for the loss.
Angle tries to calm Eddy down, but Eddy's still pissed at Chavo's slap. Angle tells Eddy he's selfish, while Chavo is his flesh and blood. Eddy tells Angle "you're not my blood", and Angle reiterates that Chavo is right. What the hell?
Your hosts discuss what we've just seen and wish us a happy new year.
END OF SHOW
Well, there's an interesting twist I wasn't expecting. Why is Kurt Angle siding with Chavo? And how does he justify the line of thinking that Chavo's right? We could eventually get Angle-Eddy out of this. I'm game.
Overall, one of the better efforts from SmackDown after a couple of straight shows that were largely throwaways. A great opening match, a couple of decent matches, and a ton of story development for the Royal Rumble and beyond. It seemed oddly thrown together, as I would have assumed Holly-Show would have been the main event while the tag match would have been before it. It's probably better this way though since the better match got to finish the show and leave a better final approach.
Benoit...must...win...the...Rumble.
Feedback me and check the archives.
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