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TNA
Raw from JHawk's Beak (4/5/2004)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Apr 5, 2004, 22:14
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Raw from JHawk's Beak (4/5/2004)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
It's opening day for Major League Baseball, but for those of us at TSM, every day is opening day.
Yeah, I don't believe that, either.
Tonight: You gotta love that wwe.com preview which tells us that...um...no matches can ever be announced within three hours of bell time. How will Triple H react to losing to Shelton Benjamin last week? And...and...how else can we fill two hours and seven minutes? I'm missing the Indians' opener for this one, so you'd better be damn happy with it!
Segment 1
Last Monday, Shelton Benjamin shocked the world by getting as close to a clean pin over Triple H as anybody is ever going to get!
We are live (give or take seven seconds) from the Toyota Center in Houston, Texas! Good Ol' JR and The King will cover all the action! Tonight, a number one contenders women's battle royal!
But before we hype matches that people might want to see for the wrestling, Hungry Hungry Hippos makes his way to the ring (with his music being about 15 seconds behind him). Hunter's even letting a beard grow, most likely for his movie role. "It makes for a great story, doesn't it?" asks Triple H about Benjamin's victory last week. What was his name? It doesn't matter, because "this young punk kid gets the lucky break of a lifetime." It's a great story, but the reality is it's nothing but a fluke "that could never happen again in a million years." And speaking of things that could never happen again in a million years, what about Chris Benoit defending the World Heavyweight Title in that triple threat match at Backlash? And Benoit's starting to feel the pressure of being the hunted instead of the hunter. And he doesn't have to be pinned to lose the title. "And let's face it, Benoit. Lose you are going to do." The odds against it were huge the first time. Two back-to-back? Those odds are astronomical. And two back-to-back with Triple H in it? Impossible. But Hunter is immediately cut off by It's All About Shelton Benjamin. He doesn't mean to interrupt, but he wants to introduce himself. "I'm that young punk kid from SmackDown." The All-American from Minnesota. The man who pinned you last week. He called the victory a fluke? Maybe it was. But if it was, he can't live with that, so he issues a challenge for a rematch tonight in Houston. A nice pop for that one. Hunter laughs and asks if Benjamin thinks one lucky win is enough to allow him in the same ring as "The Game", yet alone challenge him to a match. "I'm going to do you a favor. No." The fact is he could build an entire career around a victory over Triple H, "because nobody -- NOBODY -- beats me." Benjamin: "Correction. I did." Hunter doesn't think he can do it again? He's no Triple H, but if he was a former World Champion that got beat twice by a young punk kid... Hunter's tired of it, so he agrees to the rematch. "It will be the greatest wrestler alive tonight, 'The Game' Triple H against...whatever the hell your name is." Forget his name, because after tonight, he'll refer to him as "Mr. Benjamin." He should have said that all angry like Sidney Poitier.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Benjamin's one weak point might be his mic work, although it was decent when you figure he hasn't really cut a promo since making it to WWE. For once, I'm not even too upset that Triple H didn't exactly put Benjamin over in this segment, mostly because he hasn't cut a promo that put his opponent over in at least two years, so why change now? But what it does is give Benjamin the motivation to continue going after Triple H in an attempt to get a second win over him. He'll probably never get it (at least not so soon), so hopefully they do it in such a way that Benjamin can keep the momentum going.
Segment 2
This past Saturday, the Raw brand (and Rey Misterio Jr. and Chavo Guerrero Jr.) made their debut's in Monterrey, Mexico.
Eric Bischoff has claimed nobody can come to ringside in the HHH-Benjamin match unless officially involved. So which Evolution member is tonight's special referee?
Non-Title Contest scheduled for one fall: Chris BenOIT (World Heavyweight Champion) vs. Rob Conway (w/Sylvain Grenier)
These two apparently had a pretty good match at one of Ohio Valley Wrestling's big shows, so let's see how this one goes. But your special referee is Johnny Monday Nitro (complete with WCW Monday Nitro theme). Bischoff told Nitro to tell Benoit that he'll be stripped of the title if he lays a finger on Nitro. Lockup, Benoit into the corner, and some hard chops as the crowd chants "USA". I guess they're buying the "Atlanta" crap with Benoit even though Conway's the actual American in this one. Benoit with an early cover, but Nitro doesn't even go for the count. Conway with a neckbreaker, but Benoit comes back with chops. Conway with a snap suplex for 2. Into a hangman's neckbreaker submission. Benoit uses knees to break, then gets a belly-to-back suplex. A series of punches by Benoit, and a clothesline. Backbreaker for 2. Forearms to the back. Kick to the midsection, and he goes for a suplex...and suplexes Conway into Nitro, who falls to the floor. Well, it wasn't Benoit who hit him, so there ya go. La Resistance with a Double Corkscrew Suplex while the referee is out, and out comes another referee to make a two count. Benoit knocks Grenier off the apron and locks in the Crippler Crossface for the submission victory at 3:53. Energetic at least. *
Eric Bischoff is in his office, and William Regal finally makes his on-camera return to greet him. He's happy to be back, but Bischoff hasn't agreed to let him back yet. But Regal will do anything for a job. Remember the "Kiss My Ass" club? Bischoff wants him to manage his nephew. He promised his sister. His name is Eugene Dinsmore, and he's a "special talent". Regal agrees to it, and apparently he's in the building. Regal appreciates the opportunity.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I would think that if Benoit is now residing in Bischoff's hometown that Bischoff would approve of him. Anyway, a good showing by Benoit to help build him up prior to his title defense at Backlash.
Now, while it's great to see William Regal back on the air after a year's absence for his health problems, I'm scared to see how this Eugene gimmick works for Nick Dinsmore. Hopefully using Regal as his manager will help tame it somewhat, because based on what I'd heard of the gimmick, I can't see any good coming out of this.
Segment 3
One fall: Y2J+4 vs. Matt Hardy v.1.0
Nice pop for Jericho, who is billed as from "Manhattan, New York". Is anybody allowed to be from Canada anymore? What's next, Edge being billed as from "Kalamazoo, Michigan"? Christian billed as being from Boise, Idaho? Val Venis billed as from "Las Vegas, Nevada"? OK, bad example. Matt Facts: "Matt has broken his nose three times" and "Matt never over-orders in restaurants". Before the bell, Christian and Trish Stratus bring out a chair, and the distraction allows Hardy to attack from behind. Lawler: "Is there a match going on?" Bulldog headlock for 2. And another 2. Front slam for 2. Double wristlock. Jericho comes back with knees and chops, and he takes Hardy down with a sleeping neckbreaker. More chops, and a running forearm smash. Hardy with a corner whip and a clothesline, but Jericho avoids a bulldog and hits one of his own. Hardy lifts the knees on a Lionsault attempt. Hardy goes for the win, but Jericho tries to counter into the Walls of Jericho, which is countered into a small package for 2. Jericho with a drop toehold into the ropes and the squisher (tm Kevin Nash). Enzuigiri. Walls of Jericho, and Hardy taps out at 3:02. Only 3:02? That's a lot of action for 3:02. *1/2 Postmatch, Christian french kisses Stratus to piss Jericho off.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
That's one of the best three minute matches I've ever seen. Fast-paced action with excellent counters to finishers, and a lot of near falls, putting over the fact that both men were trying to win a wrestling match. No complaints there aside from the short time given to it.
Segment 4
We are live in Houston as Triple H gets ready to face Shelton Benjamin, but coming up at Backlash, Mick Foley challenges Randy Orton for the Intercontinental Championship. And Mick Foley is talking while carrying a yellow rose and some sort of gift. You never forget your first, and that's true for Foley. He'd use a couple a week, then give them to a lucky fan. He's talking about flannel shirts. Get your mind out of the gutter. Given to him for Christmas in 1977, and not worn for nearly ten years until just recently, as Foley wants to wear it at Backlash. Maybe it's weird for a hardcore legend to be all sentimental, but hardcore isn't about wrestlers. It's a word meaning that he loves the business and fans enough to out his body through unbearable pain. Even in the Japan death matches, it was about doing what he had to do to pay the bills for his family. He swore he'd never watch those matches again, but in trying to recapture the fire he didn't have at WrestleMania, he watched those tapes again. And it wasn't the action that caught his eye...it was the look in his eyes. Maybe deep down, he just enjoyed inflicting pain. Maybe deep down, he loved it. And Randy Orton might be the first guy to call him a coward through a campaign, but Foley would still wrap his arm in barbed wire. So what is Foley going to do? He's going to kick...no, he won't do that because it's too cliche. He wants to be more descriptive, so he introduces Orton to an old friend..."Barbie", a baseball bat wrapped in barded wire. Foley's going to bring the type of bleeding normally reserved for the special effects department of a Mel Gibson movie. He continues to explain the different things he's going to do to Orton while destroying the interview area.
Evolution has been watching backstage, and Orton looks worried, but Ric Flair's trying to tell him there's nothing to worry about. Just watch what Triple H does to Shelton Benjamin in the next segment.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
And that, my friends, is a promo that sells tickets. The kind of promo that can sell a match that you might not otherwise want to see. And now I'm looking forward to seeing that match, as we've basically been promised the old Mick Foley...the guy who put his life on the line as Cactus Jack every night. If he's in shape (and if he can realy fit into that first flannel shirt, he probably is), that could be worth sitting through that match by itself.
Segment 5
Ric Flair's music is playing, and he's your special guest ring announcer. How convenient. He reiterates that anybody who interferes and isn't on official business is done. The official timekeeper: Batista. Gee, I wonder who made that ruling. JR: "This is beginning to reek of nine day old cheese." The official trainer: Randy Orton. Can I be the official "guy who gets pissed off at blatant favoritism by the GM"? Somebody has to even the odds.
One fall: Hungry Hungry Hippos vs. All About Shelton Benjamin
Why is Orton checking behind the ring steps? Lawler on Benjamin's hometown: "They closed the zoo because the duck died." Orton has a bottle of water and a spit bucket. Heh. Forget the wrestling clinic from last week, as Triple H immediately goes for the kicks, forearms, and punches. Benjamin avoids a suplex and gets in a rolling reverse cradle for 2. Punches for Benjamin, and a high cross body for 2. Crucifix for 2. More punches. Whip, reversal, beautiful spinebuster by Triple H. Hunter dumps Benjamin to the outside, and the official timekeeper drops Benjamin onto the guardrail. Benjamin rolls back into the ring at 8. Stomps by Triple H. Chokehold. Hunter telegraphs a backdrop, so Benjamin kicks him in the face, but Hunter comes back with a facebuster and dumps Benjamin to the floor...and on Orton's side of the ring, to the official trainer gets a cheap shot in. Hunter wants the countout, but Benjamin returns to the ring at 9. Slap by Triple H. And a series of slap to the back of the head as he taunts his opponent. Triple H blocks a kick, but he doesn't block the Dragon Whip, and both men are down. Stinger Splash, and Triple H stumbles to the floor. The fall to the floor looked kind of contrived. Benjamin follows him outside, but Evolution swarms him. Benjamin counters a Pedigree with a slingshot into the ringpost, and he rolls back into the ring...and gets the countout victory at 5:39! Two in a row! Two in a row! Two in a row! Too bad it was nowhere near what they did last week. ** All four members of Evolution swarm Benjamin and do a massive beatdown, and then they hold Benjamin for Triple H to do his damage. Pedigree. They continue the beatdown on a bloody Benjamin, and since the match is over, doesn't that end the "official participant" stuff? Apparently so, as Benoit, Foley, and the Holy Bible Kid finally come out to send Evolution running. And dear God, that shot of Benjamin lying in his own blood looks realistic as hell.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
On the bright side, they didn't completely bury Benjamin, as he gets another victory over Triple H despite the odds being quite a bit against him. Some people will disagree with me because of the postmatch beatdown, but at least it took all four members of Evolution to even do that. Now where they go from here is the tricky part, because Triple H has to get the win back somewhere, but they have to keep the momentum going with Benjamin somehow.
Segment 6
Number One Contenders Women's Battle Royal for a shot at the WWE Women's Title at Backlash: Lita vs. Jazz vs. Nidia vs. Good Golly Miss Molly Holly vs. My Future Wife vs. Gail Kim vs. Trish Stratus
Eric Bischoff shows up at the broadcast booth to claim that Benoit, Foley, and Michaels all defied the order to stay away, and they'll be in the ring later tonight to face the consequences. The match was over, dumbass, your order no longer applies! Anyway, battle royal time, and if anybody but Trish wins, I'll be the most surprised Raw recapper out there! No Ivory or Jacqueline? They are still under contract, aren't they?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
As I said, I was always under the impression that once a match was over, that ended the no interference stipulations. Besides, if it weren't for that, the beatdown would still be going on, and long beatdowns without a save are a bad thing. See: Evolution vs. Foley from February.
Segment 7
We're down to Lita, Jazz, and Trish already...then why bother putting the match on TV? Jazz tries to eliminate Lita, but Lita eliminates Jazz instead. Stacy was eliminated by falling over the bottom rope (midget wrestlers take bigger bumps than that)...and we show the eliminations we missed. Trish slaps Lita, and Lita blocks another and punches away. Eye rake by Trish, and she tries to dump Lita over the top rope, but Lita blocks it. Trish nearly gets eliminated, and Lita tries to kick her off the apron to no avail. Out comes Chris Jericho. Trish with another hard slap, and she yells at Jericho. Monkey flip by Lita, then a snap suplex and a nip up. A chop. Right hand. Chop. Punch. Corner whip and a clothesline. Lita tries to dump her through the ropes, but Trish gets a kick to buy herself some time. What a kick! Jazz is just now being carted from the ring, which distracts the referees for Jericho to trip Trish. Lita dropkicks Trish through the ropes at 4:31 aired, and she gets the title shot at Backlash. Lawler calls it a miscarriage of justice, and I agree...because battle royals are over the top rope. This was just stupid. DUD
SmackDown Rebound recaps this past Thursday's show. Find out Thursday to see who wins the Kurt Angle Great American Award.
William Regal asks where Eugene is, and a technician points out somebody. He finds Garrison Cade, who's on his cell phone. He finds Eugene Dinsmore, who instead of going "yo" starts pointing at himself. "Regal. Eugene. Manager." Regal pats his head and says "I think we need to speak to Uncle Eric, don't we? Dirty rotten swine."
COMMERCIAL BREAK
What a stupid idea. Why book it if all we're going to be allowed to see is basically four minutes of Lita vs. Trish? Why not just book Lita vs. Trish? And then why set up the stipulations so that going through the ropes or underneath the ropes counts as an elimination? If someone's worried about getting hurt by going over the top, then don't let them in the match. Simple. Battle royals usually suck anyway, but this one was worse than most, and we didn't even see half of it.
And I hate this Eugene gimmick already. He's like a cross between George Steele and that guy who played the white guy's trainer in "The Great White Hype".
Segment 8
Does Coach have to come to the broadcast booth? Last week, he was the victim of an uncalled for attack by Tajiri. Tajiri Yoshihiro makes his way to the ring and turns to the broadcast area to laugh at Coach. Cut backstage, and Christian says don't worry, because she can't have two matches anyway. Remember when he said "We got the match"? It's Jericho vs. Christian and Trish at Backlash. Am I a genius or what? Trish doesn't seem happy.
One fall: Tajiri Yoshihiro vs. Christian
Christian begins to pound away at Tajiri from the get-go. Tajiri comes back with kicks. Boot to the face by Christian, and now a slingshot into the bottom rope. Coach leaves the booth to "congratulate the winner". Chokehold by Christian. Tajiri rolls underneath the clothesline and dropkicks the knee. Handspring elbow for 2. Chop. Into the Tarantula. Christian goes for an inverted DDT, but Tajiri nearly kciks his head off for 2. Coach tries to interfere against Tajiri, and the distraction is enough for Christian to hit the Unprettier for the pin at 2:22. Too short to mean anything, and why do we need a Coach vs. Tajiri feud? 3/4*
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So let me guess. Coach vs. Tajiri at Backlash. Rah. Why are we doing brand exclusive pay-per-views when non-wrestlers always seem to end up competing at these things, particularly on the Raw side, where there's almost always a broadcaster on the card? Think of some of the people on this show alone that have nothing to do while Jonathan freaking Coachman has a program going with a former Cruiserweight Champion.
Segment 9
Your hosts discuss the possible ramifications for Foley, Benoit, and Michaels. We're less than two weeks away from Backlash. Edge vs. Kane. Randy Orton vs. Mick Foley in a falls count anywhere match for the Intercontinental Title. Victoria vs. Lita for the Women's Title. Christian and Trish Stratus vs. Chris Jericho. And for the World Heavyweight Championship, Chris Benoit defends against Triple H and Shawn Michaels in the "final encounter".
Regal tells Eugene he's going to straighten things out with Uncle Eric. Regal then enters the office and says he can't be with him. Bischoff: "He's special." Regal: "You're bloody right, he's special!" Thank God for William Regal. Eric asks for his whereabouts, and he's just outside...except he's not, because as Johnny Nitro tells us, he's made his way to the broadcast booth. JR and Lawler "interview" Eugene, who does his best Bushwhacker impression on Lawler...to a pop. Miracles never cease, I guess. Regal comes over to collect him. "A little too much sugar in his coffee." Lawler: "Nobody licks me without permission."
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Now, did the gimmick get the pop, or did the Bushwhackers reference get the pop? I'm leaning toward the latter. I'm also leaning toward asking RD Reynolds to get this into that next printing of the Wrestlecrap book. I didn't think it was possible to waste somebody before they wrestled a match, but they managed to do it with Nick Dinsmore. Four years in OVW for that?
Segment 10
One fall: Kane vs. The Man Beast Rhyno
Kane attacks before the bell. Kick to the chest. Kane starts working on Rhyno's left arm, ramming it into the ringpost. Choke with the knee. Rhyno tries to punch back, breaks the middle rope running into it, and clotheslines Kane to the mat. GORE! GORE! GORE! And it only gets 2. Rhyno favors the arm and runs into Kane's boot, and a Kane Choke Slam gets the pin at 1:39. 1/4* Cue Edge's music, and here comes Edge, who broke his hand training earlier this week. We get a brawl between them, and Kane gets a clothesline to take control. He grabs a chair, but Edge hits a spear before Kane can use it. Kane sits up, so Edge stupidly goes for another spear and runs into a big boot. Kane tries to set the chair up in corner, and he places Edge's good arm between the chair and turnbuckle. Edge avoids it and knocks Kane down with the cast. Kane tries to sit back up...but he falls back down.
Benoit and Michaels discuss Bischoff's upcoming announcement, and it reminds HBK of being called to the principal's office. Michaels says he's got Benoit's back if he needs it, but at Backlash it's a different story, because he wants the title. Benoit wouldn't expect any less from him. Shawn actually agrees with Triple H...Benoit can't win two triple threat matches in a row. Out comes Foley to tell them to stay together. Nitro comes in and tells Foley "no weapons". Foley tells Nitro if he can't find the bat, he'll find Nitro. And the faces give Nitro a shot to the arm for good measure.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So let's review: Rhyno beat Lance Storm in under a minute last week...only to lose to Kane in under two minutes this week. Welcome to Jobberville, Lance Storm. Then the Edge-Kane postmatch brawl goes longer than the match (which wasn't likely cut short even with the rope breaking considering it's five minutes before 11pm already). At least the rope broke during the final match of the evening.
Segment 11
Last Monday was the premiere of Walking Tall.
And here comes Eric Bischoff. He has some business to take care of. Benoit might be the World Champion, but Bischoff has something to tell him, so he'll tell him face-to-face. And here I thought he was going to FedEx it to him. Benoit points to the belt, and Eric sees it, but he wants to see Mick Foley. And here he comes. And he also has something to say to Shawn Michaels, so here he comes. He's going to make this short and sweet. Next week, these three will team up with Shelton Benjamin against all four members of Evolution, even if they have to carry Benjamin to the ring on a stretcher. And here comes Triple H with a sledgehammer. Didn't Bischoff say "no weapons"? Where's their punishment? He appears to call for the rest of Evolution, but they're not there...they try to attack from behind after coming through the crowd. The faces keep control early. Batista with a spinebuster for Shawn as Foley clotheslines Orton over the top. Hunter with sledgehammer to HBK's back a la SummerSlam 2002. And Evolution has gained control. Orton with an RKO to Foley on the floor, then he rips off Foley's "first-ever" flannel shirt". A steel chair to Benoit's back...and a Pedigree onto that same chair. There's the celebration.
END OF SHOW
I won't argue with the beatdown except that they shouldn't have been allowed to bring weapons down (I don't care of Bischoff's a heel GM or not, he shouldn't have two sets of rules...which is why I hate the evil GM). It's a solid way to build heel heat for next week's TV main event in Chicago. In the Vince Russo era, Shelton Benjamin would have run out with his forehead bandaged and made the save, which thankfully didn't happen here, as that wouldn't have been realisitic.
Overall, a bleh show. The wrestling was OK despite the short matches, and some of the interviews were top-notch, but there was way too much crap on this show. I despise the Eugene gimmick already, the battle royal was a waste of everybody's time, and I just love how the evil GM can make one set of rules for Evolution and another set of rules for everybody else, including the other heels. If you get the show later in the week, I'd just watch Heat and check out the recaps so you don't have to subject yourself to all the bad parts of this show.
But if you already saw it, you can chime in here.
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