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TNA
The Royal Treatment: Smackdown (1.13.05)
Posted by Peter Kostka on Jan 13, 2005, 23:20
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Because I feel like it, here are my quick picks for this weekend�s NFL Divisional Playoffs. I�ll leave most of the heavy analysis to Tom. Don�t worry, non-football fans, I won�t take up too much space.
Saturday
Rams 31 @ Falcons 27 � This being the NFC, it seems fitting that an 8-8 team advances to the conference title game. The Rams just have too many offensive weapons for the Falcons to handle, and the Falcons rely too much on Vick�s running ability and Alge Crumpler to carry their offense.
Jets 17 @ Steelers 28 � The Jets capitalized on the return of Martyball and its complete ineffectiveness in the postseason last week, but this is not only a pretty damn good Steelers team, but a pretty damn good rested Steelers team at home. That�s a really tough challenge for an inconsistent Jets defense, especially with John Abraham out.
Sunday
Vikings 17 @ Eagles 21 � With TO, and with Moss questionable, this game probably wouldn�t be as close as I�m calling here. The Vikings D showed up and took it to the Packers for most of the game (but Favre�s propensity to throw it up for grabs helped a bit), and I�m not that sure if the Eagles� wideouts can make even half of what TO gives you, but the Eagles have the better defense and running game, so they win in a more defensive game than people would have thought.
Colts 28 @ Patriots 42 � Three things people who were dazzled at Peyton Manning�s second straight playoff dismantling of the Broncos last week should think about:
1) The Patriots have scored an average of 34 points over their last three meetings (in Indy last season, the AFC title game, and the �04 opener), so the Colts aren�t the only ones with a pretty good offense. This is the game they got Corey Dillon for.
2) All of the Colts� 3 losses in meaningful games (throwing out the game in Denver for obvious reasons), came on the road, outdoors. The Colts� offense is built to be the most effective indoors (since they play 8 of their regular season games indoors, 9 if you include going to Houston every year), and they always struggle outdoors in not so great weather (it rained and snowed earlier in the week and it�s going to rain Friday, and they haven�t covered the field at Gillette this week.)
3) Back to the Colts� defense: Freeney is neutralized a bit on natural grass, and they have injury problems on the line themselves, with little depth to fill the holes. Oh, and Ty Law? In the opener, Law actually was in and out because of a hamstring injury, so all he had was one tackle, and Seymour really wasn�t much of a factor himself, but they still won because guys like Tedy Bruschi (THE most underrated player in the NFL, IMO) and Willie McGinest made plays when it counted. Just remember, in the playoffs, a team�s biggest weakness comes into the forefront and the Colts� defense is the biggest weakness of them all here.
And if the Colts� complain about the field after the game, they should understand this: If they didn�t gag at the end of their regular season meeting AGAIN, they wouldn�t be coming up here in January, AGAIN.
Ok, people who clicked on this and wanted a wrestling recap, you can start reading again.
- The opening video focuses in on the situation with Kurt Angle and Joy Giovanni last week while cheesy softcore porn music plays in the background. This week, Angle approaches Joy and Big Show and apologizes for what he did, which Joy accepts, but Show wants an apology from JBL as well.
- The opening rolls and the pyro explodes as we are previously recorded in Tampa, Florida. Tonight, JBL will be honored by the Florida Agricultural Group as their 2004 Man of the Year.
Rey Mysterio and RVD � vs. Eddy Guerrero and Booker T vs. Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak vs. the Basham Brothers (Elimination match for the WWE Tag Team titles)
The face introductions eat up almost a whole 5 minutes while the heels pick up the pace. RVD is wearing a brace on his injured knee as Cole says that RVD wanted to fulfill his obligation to the match, praising him for doing what some NFL players won�t. Oh, give me a break. Eddie and Jindrak start, and Mark works the arm while gyrating a million times and annoying the crap out of me. Rick Rude you ain�t buddy. Eddie fires off the chops to rally and tags Booker, who boots Jindrak in the corner before blocking a hiptoss and hitting a side kick. He tags Eddie, who comes in with a hilo for 2. He grabs a headlock, but Jindrak breaks it and gets a backdrop for another 2. Eddie gets a dropkick and tags Doug Basham. He gets into it with Jindrak, which draws in Danny and Reigns. Danny trips Jindrak into the ropes and gets into it with Reigns and distracts the ref, which allows Rey to trip up Doug and hit the 619 on Jindrak while Eddie drapes Doug on top of him for the pin to eliminate Jindrak and Reigns. And we take a break.
Thoughts: Novel finish, with the other teams helping to eliminate one of their opponents, but having Gyratin� Jindrak spend most of the time in the ring isn�t usually the best idea.
We come back with Rey kicking Doug and getting an armdrag and sending Doug over to tag Eddie, but he wants no part of it and tags Booker, who tags back in a humorous spot. Eddie reluctantly comes in (he�s lost twice to Rey lately, see) and gets a hammerlock. Rey tries to flip over him, but Eddie catches him and gets a powerslam for 2 in a neat counter. Rey gets a headscissors and Eddie begs off, but that�s just to sucker Rey in for an eyepoke. Booker tags in and hits a spinebuster for 2 before backing him into the corner for Eddie to choke him with the tag rope and tag in himself before locking in a Gory backbreaker, but Rey counters out of it with an armdrag and monkey flip before hitting a springboard hurricanrana and getting the pin. Booker and Eddie argue while Eddie holds up three fingers to Rey and Doug jumps in to work him over before tagging Danny, who hits an inverted powerbomb and ties up the ref so Doug can nail RVD�s injured knee with the ring steps. Rey trips Danny into the corner and checks on his partner, but hears the ref nearing 10 and rolls back in. The match then ends up being the Bashams beating on Rey, Rey coming back and checking on RVD, going back in to get beat up more, Rey coming back and helping RVD get put on a stretcher, and going back in to get beaten up again. Rey hits the 619 on Doug and tries for the West Coast Pop, but he ducks, sending Rey into the ref and blocking his view enough for the Bashams to switch and Danny hits a sitout powerbomb for the pin and the titles. JBL, Orlando Jordan and Amy Weber come down to celebrate.
Rating: 3/10
Thoughts: Good start, and it was going well with Eddie and Rey in there, but everything in between didn�t click well. The ending was pretty damn obvious once RVD was taken out, especially when Cole says that Rey is going to win despite the odds. It�s interesting if they are building to an Eddie heel turn with this situation with Rey and his heel-like attitude over the last few weeks.
- Josh Matthews is with Kenzo Suzuki, but Hiroko speaks for them both. John Cena tried to break up America�s beloved couple (now that Brad and Jen are no more), but Kenzo will win. Kenzo declares that himself as US champ would be as American as the White House and the Statue of Liberty and forces a smile.
- JBL and his Cabinet run into the Big Show and JBL apologizes for what happened last week, but Amy thinks that Joy liked running through the halls screaming because she was the center of attention. �Slut� is used and they half-heartedly catfight until The General Playah breaks it up and makes a match between Joy and Amy with everyone (well�.not Amy and Joy, of course) barred from ringside. Where is Carlito with that petition? I�ve got a pen ready.
- Highlights of the press conference in Tokyo that announced the RAW and SD tapings there. No footage of the Angle/Michaels staredown.
Kurt Angle Invitational
Angle bemoans JBL for his actions last week and promises victory at the Rumble. The rules of the Invitational are now that all the guy has to do is last three minutes and he�ll get the medal. This week�s victim is Roderick Strong. Angle asks him about his chances, so Roderick answers with a slap. See kids, this is what we call �having more guts than brains.� Sure enough, Angle chases him around and beats him up. He almost gets a fluke rollup for 2, but Angle clotheslines him down and eventually wins with the Anglelock at 1:52.
Thoughts: I REALLY hope this doesn�t end next week with either JBL or Show distracting him and having him lose that way, because this whole thing would have been a whole lot of nothing. Elevate SOMEONE with this, PLEASE!
John Cena � vs. Kenzo Suzuki (w/Hiroko) (US title match)
For some reason, Cena�s hat is blurred. He cuts a promo about the crowd being what America is about and how the Chain Gang sticks together, which is what he should have said LAST week, instead of all the gay jokes. The match is a complete squash that ends almost 2 minutes in with the FU.
Rating: DUD
Thoughts: That�s it? Man, Carlito�s (and later Jesus�) injuries have really thrown the creative team for a loop, haven�t they? If Carlito�s healthy, we probably would have a relatively interesting feud going on with Carlito as champ and Cena chasing, but now we have Cena squashing mid-carders and growing more stale in the ring by the week. Bob Holly sucks.
- We see some highlights from house shows and Amy is nervous while Joy oils up.
- Recap of last week�s events involving Heidenreich and Undertaker
Amy Weber vs. Joy Giovanni
Amy comes out looking all nervous and hot in her powder blue attire, but there�s no Joy in Tampa right now (because the Devil Rays have already been eliminated from the playoffs *ba-dum ching*) so referee Charles Robinson gives the match to Amy by forfeit. No rating, but Amy�s worth half a point.
- Long organizes a search for Joy with security and wants to see JBL right now. Heidenreich comes in, wanting out of the casket match, but he had his shot to change it last week, so it�s still on. JBL arrives, and Long asks him if he�s had anything to do with Joy�s disappearance.
- Apparently JBL explained where he was to Long during the break and proclaims that he knows nothing about this. Long warns that if he�s lying, he�ll strip JBL of the belt next week.
Funaki � vs. Nunzio (Cruiserweight title match)
Nunzio gets a knockdown for 2 and Funaki answers with a backdrop and works the arm, but Nunzio rallies and hits the chinlock. Funaki breaks with a jawbreaker and kicks him down for 2. Nunzio reverses a whip, but Funaki sidesteps a charge and hits a bulldog for 2. He goes up, but Nunzio rolls through a crossbody for 2. Funaki tries a monkey flip in the corner, but Nunzio catches him and puts him on top, but alas, that�s only good news for Funaki, as he hits a tornado DDT for the pin.
Rating: 2.5/10
Thoughts: Eh, decent action, but they never give cruiserweights enough time on the main show. This would have worked much better as a Velocity main event.
- Carlito is Long�s next guest. Long isn�t happy about Carlito�s petition, but that�s not the reason he asked him to stop by. Remember last week when Joy wouldn�t sign his petition and got apple spat on her? Did Carlito take it one step further tonight? Carlito says he�s innocent, but this is just another example of the incompetence of the Long Administration. Torrie and Jackie walk in, and Torrie saw Orlando Jordan approach Joy before she disappeared.
- Orlando explains himself to Long, saying that he only approached Joy to tell her that Amy was going to beat her. Show storms in and chokes Jordan, but Jordan says he was with JBL the whole time and had nothing to do with that. If you don�t know where this is going, turn in your smark card now.
- RAW Rebound, and a bunch of oranges are in the ring for the ceremony.
- The �President� of the Florida Agricultural Group (huhuhuh, that�s F.A.G. huhuhuhuh) B. Gordon Allensworth introduces JBL. He helped replant the orange crops after the hurricanes hit and provided plenty of fertilizer. He gets the award and it�s time for a PHOTO-OP!!!! JBL makes a �brief� acceptance speech, which shows off the strength of his character. Because of him, families all over Florida gather around the breakfast table each morning to drink orange juice and chant his name. JBL throws out a diss to the Buccaneers and Angle interrupts. He accuses JBL of kidnapping Joy so Big Show would take himself out of the title match. His Olympic Instincts lead him to the trunk of JBL�s limo and sure enough, there�s Joy, all tied up and gagged. There are websites where guys jerk off to stuff like this. Just saying. A teary Show and the medics come out, and of course Show runs to the ring and beats up JBL�s crew as he retreats into the crowd. We end the show by going to the back and seeing Angle, Reigns and Jindrak all laughing and Angle saying �It�s just like Bradshaw said: �I love when a plan comes together�.� They walk off as we fade to black.
Final Thoughts: Boy, someone sure yanked the emergency brake and brought this show to a screeching halt with the Joy kidnapping, huh? Again WWE writers try to do way too much to push along a really simple wrestling angle. The midcard is a complete junkpile, the tag division is a complete waste (D�Von�s still hurt?), the Cruiserweights get no time (where�s Spike, anyway? He hurt too?), and suddenly the main eventers are playing �Melrose Place, WWE Edition.� Are these guys just not paying attention to how the whole HHH/Batista/Orton thing is progressing along? THAT�S how you fucking do these things.
I mean, they�ve had a whole month to build up to the Rumble and not worry about a PPV, like RAW did, but what do we know from the SD side? Puder�s in the Rumble and the WWE title match. THAT�S IT!! I guess Cena will squash some other guy in a match and the Divas will do something, but at least RAW is doing Rumble qualifying matches and making an ATTEMPT to focus on what is usually the 2nd or 3rd biggest show of the YEAR!! This show�s off to a pretty horrid 2005 so far.
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