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TNA
SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (12/2/2004)
Posted by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins on Dec 2, 2004, 22:24
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (12/2/2004)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins
I warned you that I would be doing double duty tonight, didn't I? And here you all thought I was bluffing.
Tonight: One more cut in the $1,000,000 Tough Enough, and they're promising a Tough Enough like you've never seen it before. Maybe someone has the video of what really happened between Jackie and Pete in season two. Plus, a rare in-ring SmackDown appearance for The Undertaker!
Segment 1
John Bradshaw Layfield, Orlando Jordan, The Basham Brothers, and Amy Weber arrive and bump into Theodore R. Long, and Long not only makes the Bashams vs. Booker T and Eddy Guerrero for tonight, but he also books JBL and Jordan in a handicap match against The Undertaker.
Cue the opening.
And we're taped 11/30/2004 from the Coliseum in Richmond, Virginia. Joy Giovanni is your guest timekeeper tonight!
Six person tag team match scheduled for one fall: Rey Misterio Jr., Torrie Wilson, and Rob Van Dam vs. Rene Dupree & Kenzo Suzuki (WWE Tag Team Champions) and Hiroko
This is based off of Hiroko bitchslapping Torrie last week. Because we need more divas in action. Hiroko slaps Torrie again, and the bitches wanna be fighting, but the men break it up. RVD and Dupree start. Slow as hell chain wrestling sequence to start, ending in the legsweeps and indy pose to no pop whatsoever. RVD sends Dupree over the top rope, and he bows to Rey, which brings Suzuki stumbling into the ring before getting sent over the top. Hiroko slaps Rey, and in comes Torrie. Kenzo separates the women, and he's enjoying that a bit too much. RVD takes Kenzo out with a kick, and Torrie sends Hiroko to the middle rope. Rey wants the 6-1-9, but Dupree stops him with a spinebuster. Rey quickly counters Dupree's offense, and RVD's Five Star Frog Splash allows Rey to get the pin at 3:13. If there was a story to the actual match, I completely missed it. 1/2*
Al Snow leads the Tough Enough Contestants to their doom.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
This could be very bad news for Rey and RVD, as they continue to have the champions' number and almost have it too good leading into Armageddon. Of course, we're supposed to ignore that because Kenzo Suzuki wants to see if Torrie wants some Japanese in her, so Hiroko's pissed. Seriously, Hiroko and Torrie can't put on good matches against each other, and since charisma isn't going to salvage that one, there is literally no point to any of it.
Segment 2
Time for the next installment of Tough Enough. Pretty even reactions for everybody, but Ryan Reeves refuses to quit despite two broken ribs. Earlier today, each man got 30 seconds to say who'd they vote off. Mike Mizanin would vote off Daniel Puder because he's a kissass and is lying about his UFC background. Ryan Reeves would vote Puder off because he feels Puder is only trying to market himself for UFC. Justice Smith would also vote Puder off because he's too full of himself. Puder would vote off Smith because he's the biggest guy but not the toughest. Luckily for Puder, the fans love him, so Ryan Reeves is gone. Before we go to this week's challenge, the final two will compete at the Armageddon PPV in a boxing match called the "Dixie Dogfight". So who's Tough Enough to be in touch with their feminine sides? See, they're going to dress like women, and they can't get any hair care tips.
Hiroko is yelling at Kenzo in Japanese...I think she can say SOME of those words on TV...and she challenges Torrie to a bra and panties match for next week. Um...what?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
No surprise as to who got voted off (it's a week late, I think), and even though they're pretty much asking for disaster with this week's challenge, this could also be funny as hell. But how much is it going to suck that one of these is going to lose because they make an ugly chick?
Segment 3
One fall: Charlie Haas (w/Miss Jackie in a Santa outfit) vs. Jesus (w/Carlito)
This is Jesus' TV debut...at least in this gimmick. Before the match though, Carlito wants to question Haas's taste in women. Hooking up with Jackie AND Dawn Marie isn't cool. But if Miss Jackie hooked up with Carlito, that would be cool. Haas goes for Carlito, and Jesus attacks from behind. Jesus rams Haas' ribs into the ringpost, and we still haven't had a bell. Carlito holds Haas, and Jesus hits Haas in the chest with John Cena's chain. Now that's not cool. I guess that's a no contest.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
So the moral of the story? Carlito has been saying that Cena deserved to be stabbed because he's nothing but a thug, but as Michael Cole was quick to point out, he and Jesus are simply using thug-like tactics themselves. Personally, having only seen a handful of short matches involving Aaron Aguilera in the past, I can't really judge his in-ring style much, but this type of angle just screams of protecting him from being exposed.
Segment 4
Teddy Long is representing backstage, and he wants to question Carlito and Jesus about their actions in the previous segment, claiming they're nothing but thugs themselves. Since they like bringing it to the streets so much, Jesus will be in a street fight at Armageddon. Not against Charlie Haas, although he'll get a rematch. But it will be against John Cena. Um...they're afraid he'll lose the kidney, so he's fighting in ten days? RIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Raw Rebound, focusing on the disputed World Heavyweight Title.
Michelle McCool is warming up Booker T and Eddy Guerrero with some smashing stretching exercises, but they don't trust each other after last week's prematch argument and with next week's four way match coming up. They argue with each other again, each claiming they'll be the man to walk out with the title next week. Michelle reminds them they're supposed to be partners tonight, and that's a damn good point there.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
What do you want me to say? A man who might lose a kidney shouldn't be in a wrestling ring, and the Eddy-Booker segment is nothing we didn't already see last week.
Segment 5
Next week, Torrie Wilson vs. Hiroko in a bra and panties match. This week, it's a Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: The Basham Brothers (JBL's co-secretaries of defense) vs. Eddy Guerrero and Booker T
JBL is on commentary for this one, and it's apparently his birthday. Eddy and Booker argue over who's going to start, and it's going to be Booker against Danny. Pretty much nothing but a brawl to start. Booker with a clothesline. Another one sends Danny out to the floor.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Wow, impressive so far, huh? A whole minute of action before the break!
Segment 6
Eddy and Booker double team Danny, and Eddy hits a flying elbow smash. Boot choke. A shot for Doug on the outside, but that gives Danny a chance to attack. Eddy's apparently your face-in-peril, and Doug gets the first televised near fall of the contest. Eddy with a dropkick. Tag to Booker...so maybe he's not the face-in-peril. Chops and forearms by Booker. Double teaming by the Bashams, and NOW we have our face in peril. Danny with a couple of near falls. Jabs. Roundhouse right. Elbowdrop. Tag to Doug. Crossface blows. Forearms to the back. Right hands. Corner whip, but Booker with a boot...but he runs into a powerslam for 2. More right hands by Doug, but Booker knocks him down with one hard shot. A tag on each end, and Eddy is on fire. A series of right hands. Dropkick. Backdrop. Flying headscissors/armdrag takedown to each man for 2. All four men are brawling in the ring. Eddy pulls the rope down to send one Basham to the floor, but Booker was going for the Scissor Kick at the same time and also tumbles to the floor. Three Amigos by Eddy, and he's up top for the Frog Splash, but Booker begins to argue with him about the top rope being pulled down. Danny knocks Eddy into Booker, then rolls up Eddy and uses the ropes for leverage to earn the pin at 9:56. *1/2 Bradshaw enters the ring and levels Eddy with the Clothesline from Hell, and he nearly decapitates Booker with a second one.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
OK, we get it. Booker and Eddy aren't going to get along because they both have a title shot coming up. So why have them team up in the first place? This is like when Sid and Shawn Michaels were teaming together leading up to the 1996 Survivor Series, except fans actually reacted to that scenario. The match itself was highly disappointing, as they tried to rely on a largely punch/kick formula with a few exceptions and a whole bunch of dissention. Decent when it wasn't a brawl though.
Segment 7
Why are we hyping Triple H's role in Blade: Trinity when Triple H isn't on SmackDown? I mean, people without cable who only casually watch the show are going "Who the fuck is that guy" right now?
Taped from Richmond, VA.
Time for the Kurt Angle Invitational, and this time Mark Jindrak and Luther Reigns are joining the cops and My Olympic Hero. Angle quickly gets the formalities out of the way.
One fall: Sebastian McCauley vs. My Olympic Hero
Angle with the handshake, then a quick slap and headbutt. Angle is simply beating the crap out of this poor guy before going into the Angle Slam and the Ankle Lock for the submission win in 41 seconds. DUD
Now, Angle reveals his ulterior motive for bringing Jindrak and Reigns out here. He wants to make something right, so he asks Joy Giovanni to enter the ring. Someone owes her an apology. Can that skirt get any higher? Luther apologizes for his actions last week, saying he felt sorry for himself because he had no Thanksgiving dinners in prison. So he asks her out for dinner. Joy's thankful for the apology, but she's already going to dinner with The Big Show tonight. Angle tries to reason with her because by insulting Luther like that, she also insulted Angle and Jindrak. So Luther asks her out again (not nearly as nicely this time), but The Big Show is out before she can answer. Luther and Jindrak immediately go after Show, but Show is like the size of 145 men, so he takes care of both of them in pretty short order. Angle, of course, has wisely bailed out of the ring. Show challenges all three of them for a match right now, and they charge the ring but think better of it.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Wow, The Big Show is a big guy and stuff. Let's make everybody afraid of him! You'd think Show challenged Ken Jugan, Len Kruger, and Rudy Diamond instead of Kurt Angle, Luther Reigns, and Mark Jindrak. And here's the kicker. You know damn well that this is going to set up Show vs. Reigns at Armageddon. In a match based on turkey. Granted, I know taking food away from The Big Show is going to royally piss him off, but that ranks up there with shampoo as the worst prop to ever base a pay-per-view match off of.
Segment 8
WWE returns to Iraq this season. After thanking Creed for providing "One" as the official tour theme song, we get highlights from last year's Christmas in Baghdad.
Now to introduce the Tough Enough Divas. First, Daniela Puder, followed by Justina Smith, then Michelle Mizanin. If I ever see Mike the Miz in fucking Daisy Dukes again, I'll gouge my eyes out with a spork. At least Justice is having fun with it. Christ, Puder even went with the fake boobs. Snow: "I'm gonna dry heave." And here to judge the contest: Hardcore Holly. Oh fuck. Puder and Mizanin hold the ropes for Holly, who laughs his ass off. So now each man has 30 seconds to convince Hardcore Holly that "he's the object of your affection". I hope Holly tries to stiff these guys. Holly refuses to judge a contest under these circumstances, but Snow questions his manhood. "If you're scared, say you're scared." "Don't go there, Al." Snow finally taunts Holly until he agrees to it. Snow: "OK, game on! Yahtzee!" Competition time. Mizanin starts and asks for a spanking. Tazz: "That's like your prom, Cole." Cole: "My date kinda looked like that, too." Smith is next. He's got crunk juice and seafood for him. Seriously. Puder is last, and he nearly makes Holly puke with his teddy bear. There's the final buzzer. Tazz: "Thank God." Time for the vote of the live crowd, and it sounds like Mizanin finally won a challenge. They can take the wigs and dresses off, and Snow does the lineup for the start of voting deal. Snow holds up one of the dresses, and Holly laughs saying "You got me" ... and he punches Snow in the face.
Armageddon lineup: Tough Enough boxing. Jesus vs. John Cena in a street fight. The Big Show vs. Kurt Angle, Mark Jindrak, and Luther Reigns in a handicap match. Rey Misterio Jr. and Rob Van Dam vs. Kenzo Suzuki and Rene Dupree for the WWE Tag Team Titles. Miss Jackie vs. Dawn Marie. John Bradshaw Layfield vs. The Undertaker vs. Booker T vs. Eddy Guerrero for the WWE Title.
And Dawn Marie is in the ring, and who looks better in a Santa outfit? Dawn or Jackie? I vote for Dawn, but Jackie disagrees, as she cheap shots Dawn and punches her until referees break them up. Out comes Teddy Long to try to calm things down, and he's tired of all the hating. "All you two have been doing is getting Jerry Springer on each other long enough." He officially makes the match for Armageddon, making Charlie Haas the special referee. Both women like that one because they think he's playing favorites.
The handicap main event is next.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
I can't help but laugh and be disgusted at the same time. I just hope this leads to a Snow-Holly match. Of course, I say that because I'm an Al Snow mark and not because I actually want to see that match.
Segment 9
Bra and panties next week, and thank God the Tough Enough kids won't be in it.
Handicap Match: John Bradshaw Layfield (WWE Champion) and Orlando Jordan (w/Amy Weber) vs. The Undertaker
No Bashams, as apparently Teddy Long banned them from ringside during the break. Jordan starts against Taker, and Taker beats the crap out of him in the early going. Shoulderblock, and JBL hops off the apron rather than take a shot from Taker. Jordan comes back and actually dumps Taker over the top rope, but JBL can't get a successful cheap shot on the floor and ends up getting a face full of steel steps for his trouble. Jordan jumps off the apron, but he gets caught and dropped. Taker throws Jordan into the ring and follows. Arm wringer into Old School. Reverse Russian legsweep and a cover, and JBL has to make the save. JBL is caught by Taker and taken down with Snake Eyes and a big boot. Jordan gets dumped over the top rope.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
No surprises so far, as Taker always starts off handicap matches by taking control early. I'm curious as to exactly how much offense JBL and Jordan are going to get though, because if they don't pretty much dominate the second half of this one, there will be little to no sense of realism left. Not like they care, but hey.
Segment 10
Undertaker kicks Jordan in the head. Corner whip, and Taker runs into an elbow. Whip, reversal, Taker with a side slam and a cover that is broken up by JBL. Taker with a shot the champion as he leaves the ring, and his focus is on Bradshaw...guillotine legdrop over the apron. Back in the ring, and Jordan makes a brief comeback before getting taken down with a flying clothesline. Up for the Last Ride, but Bradshaw with a big boot, and FINALLY the heels actually have an advantage for more than 15 seconds. Seriously, it's been ten minutes, who's got the handicap here? Neckbreaker by JBL for 2. Taker counters a hiptoss into a leglock, and Jordan needs to make the save. OK, this is getting ridiculous now. Jordan tags in, and he gets an elbow after a series of Taker right hands. Going for the jawbreaker, but Taker elbows out of it. DDT by The Undertaker. Jordan tags JBL in, and even after 12 minutes it's basically all Taker. Big boot. Clothesline. Now clotheslines to both men in opposite corners. JBL with the low blow...and that's a DQ in 12:08. Finally the heels have a chance to do some damage to The Undertaker, and even when they can double team Taker, they still get taken down with a double clothesline. Choke slam to Jordan, and here comes the Bashams since, as Tazz rightly says, the match is over so no more ban. It takes four men to finally get Taker to any sort of disadvantage, and he still sits up after a Clothesline from Hell. So JBL hits Taker in the face with the title belt, and he's still getting up despite four guys kicking the hell out of him. Hey, Taker's actually down long enough for JBL to taunt him! I'm gonna be very generous with this one since everybody was trying and call it *3/4.
END OF SHOW
Seriously, what the fuck? How are we supposed to believe that anybody not named The Undertaker can win the match at Armageddon after that? It's not like these were two local indy guys that Vince McMahon has no intention of signing that were in there with him. This was the WWE Champion and his number one partner, and they were both basically made to look like a bitch for 15 minutes, even after their other two partners came out to help them. Congratulations, WWE, you've just pretty much killed the mystique that somebody has a shot in hell of beating the dead man.
Overall, I am not happy with the direction of this show. Absolutely horrible wrestling for the most part with not much in the way of angle development. Seriously, I've almost forgotten what happened on this show already, and it only ended less than an hour before this got posted. I think TNA's getting my 35 bucks this month because their show at least might be good in a perfect world. Armageddon would suck with George Scott booking it with that lineup.
But maybe my feedback will provide some differing opinions.
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